Does anyone (lesbians) stay together any more?

[C&G'sMama]

So we got a note from a friend of ours yesterday we'll call them Sue and Mary.

So here's the story and I'm writing it here just to try to process this.

Sue: "Just so you know Mary and I aren't together anymore. I found out last month she had been having an affair for the last year with Jean" (whom we also know and was partnered with our friend Hazel).

It turns out Hazel had moved out of the house Jean and she own a couple of months ago, and Mary moved in with Jean last month.

Sue and Mary had been together close to 20 years and had a commitment ceremony 10 years ago.

Jean and Hazel had been together 14 years and had a commitment ceremony 9 years ago.

And there are others over the past few years where relationships have ended after affairs were discovered.

I don't get it. It makes me very sad. And I understand sometimes things just don't work out. But be honest and leave. Is the grass really greener?

That's all. Thanks for letting me put it out to the universe.

 

[mickeysaver]

Well, Gabby and I are still together. We are even still very much in love with each other.

There was a point in my life before I met Gabby when ducking out on a relationship was no big deal. I was not with the right person, which to me was obvious long before the other party got a clue, but that wasn't my problem. With the exception of one relationship out of my entire life, I have been the dumper. I am not necessarily proud of that fact or anything, but it's the truth.

Gabby and I started this relationship off with a few ground rules that I honestly think have made a world of difference in how calm and happy this relationship is.

#1. NEVER use a deragatory term to address the other person, as it shows a lack of respect for the other person. It's not appropriate even as a joke. If you ever go there, there really is no going back and without full respect for your partner, you may as well hang it up.

#2. We are planning a future not a disaster, so no "if we break up, this item is mine" statements.

#3. Always talk to each other. The more talking the less misunderstandings and bottled up junk.

#4. Kiss at least 5 times a day. I don't mean a little peck kiss, I mean a good one that lasts at least 15 seconds. Never doubt the power of feeling connected, even on more subtle physically intimate levels.

#5. Always say your prayers for yourself and for your life as a couple. It may sound odd, but in saying those prayers, it tends to make you focus on the positives of your relationship on a daily basis.

#6. Money is a pain in the rear issue, so keep it separate as much as possible and share it as much as possible. There were many years that I made more than she did and when she was in school during our relationship, but now, she makes more. I helped more then and she helps more now. No big deal.

#8. Throw the words ALWAYS and YOU NEVER out of your vocabulary when discussing the faults in your partner that you would like to see changed.

#9. Have a pet or a kid together. If you have nothing else in the world in common, that one creature will help you to build memories that only the two of you will ever share and have in common.

#10. Work hard, pray hard, eat together, use your common sense, be a best friend to each other, say I Love You often and mean it every time, play together and don't forget to be silly.

 

[ccgirl]

If it makes you feel any better; I don't think the "problem" is exclusive to lesbians. I know many heterosexual couples making a break due to infidelity as well. It seems intimacy is now a contact sport rather than an expression of love. Marriage (I live in MA where everyone can marry) is now seen to a lot of people as simply a piece of paper. It is really sad.

 

[C&G'sMama]

If it makes you feel any better; I don't think the "problem" is exclusive to lesbians.

I know, it just seems like we know so many women that have been together as long or longer than us and we feel like we're the last ones standing. This one hit us hard as we are very disappointed in Mary. As for Hazel and Jean. We really didn't see that one lasting and lost track of Hazel as we didn't really mesh with Jean. But anyway...

DP and I are still going strong after 17 years together and almost 15 years of marriage (May 25th). We talk all the time and of course we have our ups and downs and I can't imagine cheating on her.


It just makes us sad and gives us pause.

 

[TagsMissy]

It's always sad to see a failed relationship but yes as mentioned earlier this happens to straight couples all the time.... depending on your circle of friends you will either see more breakups amongst varying orientations.

Hubby and I have been together 15 years and we've seen many couples come and go; the toughest though was a pair of dear friends of ours that are our extended family and we were there for each person equally and it's amazing how the stories vary depending who told it. All we could do was be supportive and ensure whatever they said stayed between us and not the other party.

Half of that couple has now remarried and we can honestly say that despite all the pain that had occurred and the sad breakup of our 'family' the new couple is actually a better fit and we have in turn extended our family to bring one more person in.

Needless to say the new person who married our friend was scared they'd not fit in, that we'd not be welcoming as an insider but I told them by our second meeting we knew you'd fit in by your no holds bar attack ((taunting jesting we do amongst us)) on both my husband and our friend. This new person was who our friend was meant to be with. The other relationship had sailed its course and was leading nowhere ((being together a decade isn't a good enough reason to stay together if it isn't right)) and now a few years down the road everybody is much happier including the not yet remarried (or dating) half of the original crew.

 

[smmast]

I couldn't agree with mickeysaver's rules more! I will also add that in our house we pride ourselves on an "equal division of power and labor." We always laugh when we say that, but it's quite true. In our relationship/family it takes two, no exceptions. i am not the cook at home, but i can clean up with the best of them, just an example. We know that individually we are powerful, but together we are unstoppable and that's how we approach life. not everyday is paradise, but everyday is worth it. i thank God every day for the series of events that led me to my partner, blessings each one. On March 6th it will be 15 years!!

 

[DisneyDee27]

#10. Work hard, pray hard, eat together, use your common sense, be a best friend to each other, say I Love You often and mean it every time, play together and don't forget to be silly.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I love this! it's AWESOME Advice!!!

DW and I have been together for 12 years married for 5 years. I can't imagine seeing someone else. A number of our friends (gay & straight) have traded spaces if you will and it's sad how little people value each other. I've got a great wife and I love her dearly. We talk about growing old and laugh all the time. I wouldn't give that up for a fling if it came with a million dollars.
Happily married Me

 

[Luv'sTink]

So we got a note from a friend of ours yesterday we'll call them Sue and Mary.

So here's the story and I'm writing it here just to try to process this.

Sue: "Just so you know Mary and I aren't together anymore. I found out last month she had been having an affair for the last year with Jean" (whom we also know and was partnered with our friend Hazel).

It turns out Hazel had moved out of the house Jean and she own a couple of months ago, and Mary moved in with Jean last month.

Sue and Mary had been together close to 20 years and had a commitment ceremony 10 years ago.

Jean and Hazel had been together 14 years and had a commitment ceremony 9 years ago.

And there are others over the past few years where relationships have ended after affairs were discovered.

I don't get it. It makes me very sad. And I understand sometimes things just don't work out. But be honest and leave. Is the grass really greener?

That's all. Thanks for letting me put it out to the universe.

You know why the grass looks greener???



Because it's fertilized with Bullpoo! (it should rhyme with ship )

 

[hematite153]

I'm sorry for the loss (for them and for you).

I've come to believe that the big change in recent years is that there is no longer a line of "you have been together X many years and thus will not split up". I think that line used to be pretty firm (although I was never certain exactly how many years it was) and thus people didn't split up even when they were in the midst of a bad relationship.

There also seems to be an increasing willingness by some people to just walk away because they are unhappy (or because something else looks better).

My in-laws split up after 50 years of marriage. We were all shocked and it took awhile to absorb the information. But, as details came out it became clear that they had spent years in therapy trying to work things out. For me, the willingness to try is critical and I was much more able to listen to them and engage with what they actually needed from me in support because I knew how hard they had tried.

I have another family member who left his partner after 20 years and it sounded like a knee-jerk reaction that he came to one morning. That was a lot harder for me to deal with and I still don't know what to make of it.

While I see mickeysaver's list a great for her relationship, I don't know if it would work for everyone. What I have decided (personally) is that it is important that both parties in a relationship understand the parameters of the relationship and of the commitment. If you agree on what you have committed to, you will be much happier than if you have different expectations.

One of the things I have learned along the way is that my ability to support my friends needs to be independent of judging their decisions or circumstances. Like Missy said, listen, be supportive and don't pass the information back. It's really tough to do, but, it can reward you greatly in the end.

 

[ccgirl]

My DH and myself went thru a tough patch a few years ago. Thank God we were able to work thru it. He brought me home a sign one day as we were working thru things and I love and would like to share. It says....

We may not have it all together but together we have it all.

 

[Safari Queen]

DH and I will be married 30 years this July. I'm sure some people grow apart and are better off splitting, but I think a lot of couples just don't work hard enough to stay together. Nothing worth having is easy to get or keep.

 

[sydneysmom]

I definitely don't think that cheating is exclusive if you're a lesbian. My ex DH called me on my way home from work to "just let me know that he REALLY didn't love me afterall and was moving on. " SAY WHAT ????? Seriously, this guy was a complete you know what.

Yes, he cheated on me. and I was devastated....it was like a death. But, there's always a rainbow after the storm. And lucky for me, I found the love of my life (who's now my DH ) and my beautiful step daughter. God works in mysterious ways sometimes, and while it's painful to be in it (and painful to watch) it makes you SO grateful for what love you have in your life.

Appreciate the love you have. And make sure they know that every day.

 

[akcire]

OP-don't worry. Some people do stay together.

My aunt and her defacto (very few people in Sweden get married, most just have defacto spouses; hers does happen to be a woman, but the term is gender neutral) just celebrated 45 years together. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a 45 year anniversary gift for two lesbians (who have everything)????? They are not that old, both in their 70's and in good health. I fully expect to be looking for 50, 55, 60, and maybe even 65 year anniversary gifts in the future. The only way I see either one of the alone, is if they suffer a major illness, and honestly I can't imagine one without the other.

Here in USA, I am married (needed healthcare or we'd still be defactos) and I have already told my husband I plan to make him miserable for the next 40 years. We have already been married 10+ years. Don't get me wrong there are days I could kill him, and I know the same is true in reverse; but divorce/break up seems like so much effort. Better to stay married, and really make him miserable.

I think the biggest thing when involved in long term relationships is to maintain a sense of individuality. The people who I see getting divorced/break up most frequently have all consuming relationships where they lose themselves, then when any little thing goes "wrong" they can't handle the situation. I have had a couple of friends meet, marry, and get divorced in under 2 years; and while I love them, their relationships almost seemed obsessive. I know I like them better outside of these relationships, but some of them are serially obsessive in their pursuits? I don't have that much energy!

 

[wolfe98pr]

Blame it on the 'L' word
I totally know what you are saying!!

 

[C&G'sMama]

Thank you everyone. When I originally wrote that I was still in shock. And I know it's not just a lesbian thing. But this was one more Lesbian couple from when DP and I first got together that had split. We've decided Mary's going through a mid-life crisis. Whatever

 

[hematite153]

Thank you everyone. When I originally wrote that I was still in shock. And I know it's not just a lesbian thing. But this was one more Lesbian couple from when DP and I first got together that had split. We've decided Mary's going through a mid-life crisis. Whatever

Yeah, I get startled by these things whenever they happen. Another couple in our church got married the same summer we did, but, had been together for a long time already by then. When they split up a couple of years ago it really startled me.

What I've learned is that all I can do is work to keep my relationship healthy and to support my friends with whatever they need.