Does Anyone Know someone in a Arranged Marriage?

[gemmie214]

I graduated High School with a girl who let us know that she was getting married 2 weeks after graduation. She had known this for years. It was set by their Fathers. I don't think they had seen each other since they were children. They were going to live and attend college in NYC, paid for by the families. She was very serene and matter of fact about it. I have always wondered how it turned out.

She felt that this was the best for her and her family, was confident her Father made the best choice for her.

Anyone else know of someone who had a marriage arranged by the family? How did it turn out?

 

[JunieJay]

Yup. A girl I went to school with had a prearranged marriage to a guy in Iran. She went over there shortly after the Iran hostage crisis. I never knew how she didn't just run away from it all, she must have been scared having lived in the US all her life, but she didn't. Never heard from her after that but think of her often when I think of how oppressed women are on that side of the world.

 

[salmoneous]

One of my roommates had parents who came from very traditional South Asian families. Their marriage had been arranged from childhood. They actually had pictures of them together when they were like 4. They did have the option for either to back out, but they went through with it, were married at 21 and had one of the happiest marriages I've ever seen.

Personally, I find the whole idea somewhere between creepy and horrific, but at least for those two it worked out great.

 

[jennyl772003]

I worked with a girl who had just gotten married via arranged marriage.

She didn't work with me long, but I remember how worried she would be about things. She would worry about what to cook for dinner, because she didn't know what he liked, and things like that.

She was pretty matter of fact about the whole process though. It was the only way she knew, and she figured her family knew her well enough to find her a good husband.

 

[mariolatry]

Yep, one of my former co-workers. He had been born in Pakistan but was raised here from the time he was five. His relatives back in Pakistan found him a wife ( who incidentally had been in America since she was 13). They are the happiest couple I know. She just finished her medical residency and they're looking to buy a home and settle some place nice.

 

[pearlieq]

Yes, I do. They're quite happy.

People who live in cultures where marriages are arranged aren't ogres. They're moms and dads just like us who want their children to be happy. My friend was presented a few men by her parents and she was able to refuse any of them at any time. Her parents genuinely cared about finding a nice man from a good family who would suit their daughter well.

Marriages work when both parties commit themselves to making them work. There are some bad eggs in the world, but most people want to see their children lead happy and productive lives. Some cultures just go about in different ways than we do. There's nothing wrong with it.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I graduated High School with a girl who let us know that she was getting married 2 weeks after graduation. She had known this for years. It was set by their Fathers. I don't think they had seen each other since they were children. They were going to live and attend college in NYC, paid for by the families. She was very serene and matter of fact about it. I have always wondered how it turned out.

She felt that this was the best for her and her family, was confident her Father made the best choice for her.

Anyone else know of someone who had a marriage arranged by the family? How did it turn out?

Hubby's best man from his wedding has an "arranged" marriage. It was arranged by the families, but they were permitted to actually decide if they liked each other well enough to follow through. So I guess it was "semi-arranged". It was a very very short time after meeting that they agreed to marry.

They are still maybe and have a little daughter and they seem quite content with it.

ETA: They are an Indian (Hindi religion) family residing outside of Tampa, FL. His parents live with them and her aunt and uncle whom she was raised with lives close by. They had a very elaborate wedding in India that due to airfare alone we were unable to attend, but the pictures were amazing.

 

[Bob Slydell]

I worked with a couple guys who went home to India on vacation and came back married -- both of those were arranged marriages. As far as I know they were happy with the arrangement. It's a different culture, but that's what they're used to. I think both of them had known the girls they married for years and knew they were to be their wives when the time came.

 

[gemmie214]

Yes, I do. They're quite happy.

People who live in cultures where marriages are arranged aren't ogres. They're moms and dads just like us who want their children to be happy. My friend was presented a few men by her parents and she was able to refuse any of them at any time. Her parents genuinely cared about finding a nice man from a good family who would suit their daughter well.

Marriages work when both parties commit themselves to making them work. There are some bad eggs in the world, but most people want to see their children lead happy and productive lives. Some cultures just go about in different ways than we do. There's nothing wrong with it.

Hmmmm, I hope you didn't take my question in the wrong way. I was in no way thinking that other cultures than mine were "ogres" or that they were "wrong".
I have been well schooled in cultural competency.
I just happened to think of my old highschool friend and wondered...

 

[Geoff_M]

Years ago my wife taught a Marriage & Family class in a high school. In the class the subject of arranged marriages was brought up and her students were completely repulsed at the idea. At that time I had a co-worker from India whose marriage was arranged. He volunteered to come and speak to my wife's class on the matter. He totally "Wow'ed" them as he described the cultural differences, the process, and the fact that they had been happily married for several years. He talked about the fact that he would have been very uneasy about going out into the world "alone" to try and find a wife and was glad that he was able to rely on his family when it came to the matter. He also made one other comment that really made the kids think "I didn't marry the person I loved... I love the person I married." Afterwards, the kids were very much in agreement that if both parties are OK with it, then arranged marriages were OK with them.

 

[disykat]

I know several - all from the same family. The last few married after living here and did have "veto" rights. They all seem happy. Oddly enough, there is only one divorced person in the family and she is also the only one who dated and chose her own husband.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I think it is an interesting custom, and in some ways I think it is the better way of doing things. Don't we all know SOMEONE who cannot pick out a good partner for himself or herself ?

 

[gemmie214]

I know several - all from the same family. The last few married after living here and did have "veto" rights. They all seem happy. Oddly enough, there is only one divorced person in the family and she is also the only one who dated and chose her own husband.

Now that is interesting!

 

[clarabelle]

I know someone. They seem to be fine. Like everyone said they had veto rights. They are of the Bahai faith and have a Persian (Iranian) background.

 

[hellokitty86]

My husband carpools to work with a man who had an arranged marriage. Actually, the man's brother married his wife's sister.

I think their relationship is very strange. They are never together, don't even eat dinner together, and have seperate finances. I'm sure there are success stories when it comes to arranged marriages, but their relationship is very strange. I think it is their individual personalities, but I do feel bad for his wife. He does whatever he wants, when it comes to their house, etc. and she has no say.

(BTW, this man was born in Palestine but was raised in India.)

 

[MzDiz]

I often wonder if the divorce rate is so high because our families have no say in who we marry. parents don't like our choice in marriage material, fine, elope! Nevermind that they have years of experience on us. People tend to get married at a time in their lives where everything is confusing and they're really starting to come into adulthood, thus making bad choices.
I guess is goes both ways. Arranged marriages can be good and bad. As can picking your partner the usual way, without anyone telling you "hey, this person isn't right for you, you can't do this with your life"
I knew two Albanian girls who were engaged at 14. They weren't getting married until they were 16 though, since that's when they could legally drop out of school.

 

[Shugardrawers]

I don't personally know anyone but an interesting story. Years ago, my parents developed a close friendship with a single neighbor man about my age. They were certain we were perfect for each other. At every opportunity they threw us together and eventually we did start dating and were very serious at one point. The guy in question was real skittish about making the final commitment and I was more than ready so I moved on. Eventually I married Dh and I'm very happy and in love with him. But, I went home last year for a couple of weeks and Brett still lives next door. In a private conversation one night we agreed my parents had been right and if the timing had been right as well we'd have been pretty darn happily married still. So sometimes family really does know you well enough to choose a good partner for you. If I didn't have Dh I'd have stayed to see what developed.

 

[froglady]

DD spent a semester in India, and lived with a family there. (Hindu)

Her host mother had no daughters, treated DD as she would her own, and they became quite close. (Along with all of the Aunties)

They had many discussions about marriage, and she mentioned that her sons ASKED her to find wives for them. After all, who knew them better than their mother?

When she and DD discussed dating, she was horrified! "You mean you date a man, fall in "love" but then if things don't work out, you split up and start all over again with someone else? That's crazy! Can't your mother find a good man for you?"

 

[ducklite]

DH and I know a guy who is in an arranged marriage. They are both of Asian-Indian descent. He had never even met her until the day of their wedding. They've now been married for at least ten years and have a couple kids and seem very happy. He's a real gem of a guy, and his wife got "one of the good ones."

Anne

 

[janette]

I know one person that is in an arranged marriage but she did have veto rights so it wasn't the type where she had no choice and met him the day of the wedding.

I've read a few things and statistically arranged marriages are less likely to end in divorce. Much of this is credited to the fact that they usually involve people who are from very similar cultures & backgrounds so they have many things in common including their commitment to marriage.