Does anyone have experience with their Elders turning Mean?

[Melora]

I know all too well what you are going through. I brought my mother to live with and she has end stage Parkinsons Disease and she is very bad off. Gotten to the point where she can barely talk or hold her head up. But when she can, she can be mean and resentful.

Right before Thanksgiving she called me into her room and asked what was happening for Thanksgiving. I said I was cooking (I had told her this already). Then she asked. Well what are Josie (her live in help) and I going to do? Should we go out and buy food? (#1, she is bedridden, and #2 Josie doesnt drive) No of course not I said.... Why would you say that? I said Im cooking, Jeffs parents are going to be here and we all have dinner together. (Well she would have to stay in her room but we would all visit). Well you didnt invite me, you didnt say anything at all, I figured you just didnt want me to be included in your holiday. You never care about me.... you don't love me, no one in this house cares about me, no one visits me. Why am I even here? (None of that is true!)

And that was a nice moment for her!

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. Watching her suffer as badly as she is. She moans and hollars and throws tantrums and its hard to feel sorry for her sometimes.

 

[battricia]

I was wondering if your grandmother has anything that she CAN do on her own, maybe a craft or something. Or to go to a seniors group and spend some time with friends. Do any friends she might have come to visit her at your house? Are you too far away for that? My grandmother had an injury last year that caused her to be on oxygen, and she was very fragile at the beginning, she had to go live with my aunt who has two big dogs, and alot of things changed from her being a VERY independant woman to being not independant at all.. luckily for her she was going to recover, but when she was at my aunts she started to get in a depression like it WASN'T going to get better. Her friends couldn't visit her because of my aunts large dogs, and she felt very lonely, etc. I understand your grandmothers condition is perminant, but maybe you could give her something to do to make her feel meaningful again? Even if it's a task that needs to be done around the house that she is able to do.. and maybe you could take her to a seniors club once a week or something, to get her out and talking to people that she WANTS to talk to (not that she doesn't want to talk to you, but since she lives with you, she doesn't have much choice in who her 'friends' are... if you get my drift), I hope these suggestions help, and i'm sorry that you and your family have to deal with this. Good luck.

tricia.

 

[wuv tigger]

Beth,

So sorry to hear about your family. I have had a few experiences, but unfortunately not much advice. It does happen quite a bit, my DW's old pastor was a very kind and caring man, but after his stroke he started cursing like a sailor. This was very upsetting to his DW who had never heard him curse in 50 years of marriage.

I also have thick skin and can separate the person from the situation. Fighting only makes it worse. My FIL had dementia and was always talking about the nurses with machine guns and when was I going to break him out. I always played along and he was very calm. My SIL would always try to argue with him about it and he would get angry and to the point of physically violent. Same thing with my Uncle and his mother. She would introduce him as "my son who works in the brewery" when he never did and complain that he never visited when he was there regularly. He would always try to correct her and she would just get angrier and angrier.

The most important thing is to take care of the caregiver. I have seen many people burn out because they could not handle the stress. It is important to get away, even if you feel guilty. I do not know if your Mom has other siblings who can help, but it sounds like she does need a break.

Sending pixie dust your way.

David

 

[DoeWDW]

MY husband's grandfather was the sweetest, most loving man - a minister all his life. After his stroke and a diagnosis of dementia, he became a totally different person. He cursed, was verbally and physically abusive, would take off all his clothes wherever, would go to the bathroom in a closet....etc.

He had to be put in a nursing home because of being physically abusive to his wife. We all know that if he knew he was hurting her, he would want us to prevent it. It was hard but it was for the best.

Good luck to you. Make sure you get respite care - someone to come and stay with her so you and your mom can take a break. You can't take care of her if you don't take care of yourself.

 

[CarolA]

Both of my grandmother's became horrid! (Gives me something to look forward to!) I don't know what to tell you, but my prayers are with you.

I am sure my mother will be just like her mother and I will just have to deal with it. (With one exception, I will probably NOT be as accomdating as she was! I tend to fight back!) We never had violence, just mean. To make it worse my mother's mom was an alcholic which pretty much means anti-depressants won't work.

My Grandmother's last Christmas I just locked her out of her own kitchen so I could deal with just my mom. Everytime she came near the kitchen I yelled. It worked, but I don't know that I recommend it!

 

[Disney Doll]

A few thoughts from a nurse with 20+ years experience:

1. Your grandmother is totally frustrated and aggravated at her inability to be independent. Loss of independence is extraordinarily frustrating, especially if the person had been very independent prior to thier illness.
2. The stroke has affected part of your grandmother's brain, essentially she is "brain-damaged", and therefore, while it's not asy to listen to or tolerate, a lot of what she says isn't "her" speaking, it is her injured brain. Think of it in terms of her being like a perosn who has been in a terrible car accident. Even iafter they are completely healed, there is still some residual damage, which will have an effect on soemthing, whether it is personality, motor skills, or whatever.
3. Emphasize to your mother that she cannot take your grandmother's behavior personally. This is easier said than done, and takes work, but have your mother repeat, like a mantra, "she's doesn't know what ahse's saying".
4. Get your mother involved in a caregiver's support group. It can be invaluable in letting her know that there are people going through the same things she is.
5. Consider nursing home placement for grandmother if she becomes too abusive, or too much to handle.

 

[Dimplenose]

It is so hard when your mother has promised not to use a nursing home for her mum. Your mother must realise that when this promise was made her mum was a different person. I'm not saying she should use a home but she should not rule it out altogether even if just for a short break from time to time - if your mother ends up depressed it's not going to help either of them.

My mum made a promise like this over 40 years ago to look after her mother and now she's 71 looking after a very frail (though thankfully still mentally alert) 97 year old.

Libby

 

[goofy4tink]

Beth, I am so sorry to hear of your story. How awful for your mom and you!! My FIL is in mid-stage Alzheimers now and it isn't pretty. My MIL is already talking about nursing home care for him. I've been sitting here today, feeling sorry for myself that I lost my mom 2 months ago at the age of 73. I see that there are far worse things to go through. My mom was always horrified about being in your grandmother's situation. SHe sat with many dementia patients that were her friends. I guess she was given a gift in being able to pass while still somewhat healthy, in her sleep. Please hang in there with your mom. She really needs your strength right now. Be sure to go on that vacation. Caregivers need to get away and recharge their caregiving batteries!!! Know that many of us are thinking of you. And thank-you to all of you who have shown me that my life could be much, much worse.

 

[Beauty]

Thank you all so much! First Huge {{{HUGS}}} for the support and simply letting me know I'm not alone in all of this.

A few points that I wonder about, although mama hates the thought of a nursing home as does Beanie, I just wonder if she made and had friends her own age and all the games they play if it would make her a bit more happy?

Last night for some reason she wanted to sleep on the couch instead of in her hospital bed. I have no idea why but we were all scared to death of her falling off without the rails that are on the bed. She got mad and when that didn't work she started with the sympathy which works on my mom so well. Like I said she has a broken shoulder and she told mama "What if they hurt my arm in the hospital while yall are gone." Mama said "Beanie, its a hospital! They aren't going to hurt you!"

Sometimes you just want to scream but as Diane said some of you do have it far worse and I will pray for each and every one of you!

 

[April76]

I know that everyone is different..... but I can tell you that your situation (and those of many others) sounds very much like my mom (who is 83 yrs. old) ..... for the last several years, she had great difficulty walking and as she got worse, she got nastier (UGLY NASTY)...

Last Fall, her knee went out and she fell (breaking her hip)... she had emergency hip replacement and came out of the anestesia (sp?) horrible --- even nastier than before and quite confused ---

To make a long story short.... this actually turned out to be a blessing --- they placed her in a nursing home (where she was brutal to everyone) until she was able to come back home; but in the meantime, they diagnosed her with "depression" and told me they wanted to put her on medication for depression.

At first I was concerned, because I thought it would "make her spacey"... but they convinced me it wouldn't....... I just want to say that the medication they put her on made her a different person ----- she is as nice as I remember her from many years ago. She has a much better outlook on life and now wants to do more than just sit in her room and be miserable and nasty.

If you want to ask your doctor about this; the med they prescribed my mom is Lexapro ---- I don't know if it's available under different names.

(BTW -- (the result she's gotten is not due to any "psychological effect from knowing she was on anti-depressants) we never told her she's taking an anti-depressant.... she takes so many meds, that she never questioned what it was for..... so, I know for a fact that it worked.

My heart goes out to you --- I know how horrible it is to have someone so close to you create such misery and heartache.... I hope things go as well for you as they did for us......prayers and pixie dust to you!

 

[Kallison]

Yes I watched my grandfather turn on my mother, he lived with us, the last months of his life. He literally turned my mother and her brother against each other. My uncles second wife kept demanding my deceased grandmothers furs and jewelry which was laughable, since she was a simple woman and didn't have any. Seems my GF told her she could have them if my Mom would let her.

I've hear of it happening to many other people. My MIL said FIL was quite mean and not himself when he was at the end of a terminal illness.