Does anyone have experience with their Elders turning Mean?

[Beauty]

My 88 year old grandmother lives with us. She has had a stroke and broken shoulder and depends on us for everything. She has a live in nurse who also stays here 24-7 and helps her. Lately though she has gotten so mean. She tells us that someday we will feel like this....just really mean. My mother has cried and cried about it. There is someone with her all the time. We try to do our very best to make her happy but nothing is good enough. The food isn't good enough, her bed isn't good enough, we don't do enough for her. Its literally tearing my mother apart.

I know it must be awful to be her age and dependent on someone for everything but how do you handle it? The Dr. tried putting her on anti-depressents but they didn't work. She just got through saying a while ago that she hoped we all had to go through exactly what she is.

Shes so so mean. I'm thick skinned but my mother isn't. My mom isn't young herself, shes 62 and I hate seeing her cry like this. Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone went through this?

 

[Lanshark]

Has she always been like this or is it a recent occurrence?

 

[Beauty]

No this is recent, it has happened since she has had to depend on us for care. This time last year she was 100% independent, had her own car, her own apartment and did everything by herself. Now she is 100% dependent on us. Like I said I know how frustrating it has to be for her. But according to her Dr. this is permanent since the stroke. My main concern is for my mother.

 

[LindaR]

Unfortunately, yes I have. My mom (now 74) lived with me and my daughter. She was diagnosed with dementia and I had to send her to a nursing home. She was verbally abusive and got physically abusive numerous times with my daughter. It was a very tough decision, but my daughter is my priority. It was affecting our physical and mental health, not to mention safety.

You should speak to her doctor again. There are LOTS of different types of medications and though they might be for the same problem, a person reacts differently to each one.

My mom takes antidepressants, too and recently had to be put back on another med because she was trying to harm her bedridden roommate.

There are also support groups (usually Alzheimers) and you don't have to actually have THAT diagnosis but attending those helps you deal with a family member that is "difficult"

Good Luck.

 

[DISshopkeeper]

Oh, that's so sad for you and your Mom!

No advice, just a {{hug}}

 

[Tuffcookie]

Beth, Sorry you're going thru this. It sounds like your grandmother is getting good care so maybe your mom can find a good counseling service to help her deal with her mom thru this difficult period. Hugs for everyone!

TC

 

[Beauty]

Thank you Linda. My mother is torn because of course she promised never to put Beanie (my grandmother) in a nursing home. Thankfully she has not become physical yet but she has threatened to get up on her own which of course she can't. She makes my mother feel so guilty. For example, our trip to Disney in a week. Believe me when I say my mother above everyone needs a vacation. We arranged over a month ago for Beanie to go to an Elder Care Home for the 10 days we are gone. Now she is making momma feel awful about leaving her. My mother is my best friend and it kills me to see her cry like this. To be totally honest and this may sound harsh but I wish I had the power to put Beanie in a home. I'm so worried about my mother's mental state.

 

[Serena]

Beth, I don't know if this will help your mom or not, but she needs to try and not take it personally.
My grandma was mean and cranky, but she was almost all her life. Your grandma sounds like she is just angry at the world and life in general and is taking it out on you guys.
I told my grandma to stop being a mean old witch, on more than one occasion. She would cuss and hollar, but she'd behave for a little while afterwards.
I also threatened to get her a boyfriend if she didn't start acting nicer too.
Pretty much, it's not the food, or the bed, or anything else. She's just venting because she's angry and needs something to vent about. And your mom is an easy target for her.

 

[Tiggerkeeper]

Beauty, I am sorry you are going through this. When my grandparents were in the last years of life they too became mean. Up until then they were very sweet, gentle people. Remember it is not them you are dealing with it is "whatever" they suffer from be it old age or illness...for us it was Parkinson's disease and old age. My grandfather who never uttered a curse word in all his days would cuss like a sailor and threaten to bite us etc.

Make sure your mom has some quality pampering - I watched my mom age at least 10 years while my grandparents lived with my her (and my dad). Glad to hear you are thick skinned sometimes that is all that keeps you smiling. My grandmother would say some of the funniest things when she was sick and they still make us laugh to this day (she has been in heaven for 14 years now). My bil's name is Rusty (she knew him all his life) but she insisted on calling him Musty. Silly things like that we remember not so much the meaness.

Hope things get better and {{{HUGS}}} to your Mom.

 

[jx3smom]

After my grandmother had a stroke she became very nasty. She could no longer speak but she would kick my kids and push them. She began to hate me because when ever I came over it was to stay with her so my mom could go somewhere. My dad had a heart attack at the time and my mom went to Phila. to stay with him in the hospital recovering from bypass surgery. My grandmother refused to get up or eat and ended up in the hospital, she thought my mom would come home to her. When my mom and dad did get home they had to put my grandmother in the nursing home. My mom could not handle taking care of her and my dad. She was also my daycare provider for my then 5 and 6 yo sons. This all happend 18 years ago but my kids still remember how mean Nana was.

 

[browneyes]

My dad has a tendency to get irritable real easy after his 3 strokes (he's 59 yo). He's always been high strung, but he's even more high strung now.

My SO's mom used to sit around wishing her sons and DIL's would become dependent on others like she did when she had her stroke. Her sons and DIL's did a lot of things for her, but she was never happy about all they'd done for her. She wanted more.

Sorry your mom is upset.

 

[Minnie824]

I understand what you are going thru and it is not easy. My FIL is in his 80s and lives with us. Luckily, he is not physically abusive, or the living arrangements would definitely need to be changed. He has alzheimers, and has a bad hip which makes it hard for him to walk around. He doesn't need full time care, he still goes to the bathroom, etc, but can't get his meals. He is VERY verbal and mean to everyone and everything. He watches tv all the time, and will swear at the people (especially some weather women that he doesn't like) and he says words and phrases that I'm shocked he even knows. Luckily, my DD doesn't pick up on it and knows that papa is sick and doesn't know better than to say these bad words. He complains about everything...no matter what it is, not happy about it. Seeing my DD cheers him up, but then as soon as she leaves the room, he complains he never sees her, because he forgets. I don't really have much advice, other than to say try not to take it personally because most likely she doesn't know any better. Good luck.

 

[tc]

Oh, Beth, I am so sorry Beanie is so unhappy, and making you all unhappy too. I have no advice, just prayers and pd that the meanness goes away soon. I hope you have a wonderful vacation, and you mom can spend the 10 days enjoying life. Maybe you could get her a massage or something while you're there to make her feel special.

{{{{HUGS}}}} to all of you!!!

 

[PamOKW]

As you can see from this thread, the "meanness" can come from a variety of different causes or any combination of them. Of course the changes she's gone through would make anyone mad and depressed. Also, physical changes brought on by dementia and/or the stroke can cause changes. It is very hard to see someone you love change so drastically. We can't take it personally but it's hard not to.

 

[Mskanga]

Unfortunately Beth, this will not go away, my grandmother died from demential and she was exactly the same way.
Not only she got very verbally abusive but also physically. One day my mother and her sister were giving her a bath, she went into the bathtub very willingly. In a few seconds she became enraged and started hitting both of them, as small as she was , we don't know how she could hit both of them.
Even my grandfather realized that he couldn't care for her anymore , so she was placed in a nursing home across the street from my aunt's house, she was there for a year and a half before she died.
Then my grandfather got sick, he moved in with my mom and she went through hell again , but he was worse, he realized what he was doing, where my grandmother didn't. He passed away seven years ago, and just this year my mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimers. She is doing a lot of the things my grandmother did and unfortunately I know that things will get worse , I can only hope to delay that as long as possible.
I know my mother cried a lot with my grandfather especially, he was not happy with anything , the only difference with him was that he was able to move around.
He accused her of stealing his money , accused my sister of taking things out of his apartment after he told her to take them, you name it. It was a good thing that all brothers and sisters saw what was really going on and told him off sometimes.
{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}} to all of you , and please tell your mom that she's not alone on this, she just has to not take things so personal and have tons of patience. I know it's easier said than done , but it's the only thing she can do.

 

[grinningghost]

You bet I've got experience with this. My FIL, who now, mercifully, is in a nursing home, turned downright horrible following a series of strokes. He's actually been kicked out of his nursing home a couple times for ASSAULTING other residents with his cane or his wheelchair, or even his good arm.

Definitely not the same man he used to be. DH won't even visit him anymore because it gets him too upset. Sad story all the way around.

 

[pumba]

my mother is 89 and one mean lady.......it did say that some early forms of dementia is this meanness......please tell your mom that there are others going thru this .....ME ME ME.....I may be one of six siblings but because she lives in an apartment in our house ....(we can keep an eye on her this way) ......I get all the grief......give your mom a hug....go to Disney and smile the whole time you are gone....please you have to do this for yourself

 

[PamOKW]

Originally posted by grinningghost
. He's actually been kicked out of his nursing home a couple times (

What happens when they do this? Where does he get sent?

 

[Disney Ella]

So sorry that you and your mother are going through this. My grandmother died this June from Alzheimer's. A few years ago, she got so mean that my mother wouldn't take her out in public because she was rude to everyone, and she had been the nicest person before that. Ever since I was a teenager, I can remember my grandmother talking about how she never wanted to end up like "all the crazy old people in the nursing home." Of course, that's where she ended up and my mother felt very guilty. (My grandmother had balance problems, refused to use a walker, fell and broke her pelvis, and went to the nursing home after that.)

I know the past three years really took a toll on my mother and she still is not quite over it. It sounds like this is already too much for you and your DM to handle. Sometimes the nursing home really is the best option.

 

[grinningghost]

Originally posted by PamOKW
What happens when they do this? Where does he get sent?

The psychiatric ward at the hospital or another hospital that deals with things like substance abuse and mental illness. They get him on some kind of sedating medication and he mellows out. Then he's back to the nursing home. It's a wonder they allow him back in there.