Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[DWhittles]

I feel like I am stealing this poor woman's thread!

So do you think that I should tell him flat out that he needs to straighten out his own life before talking to me about it? Normally I am very assertive, but for some reason in this situation I'm having a hard time. I kind of feel like I knew him in a past life or something, we seem to have a unique way of relating.

LOL, to the sex thing!

He needs a divorce before he talks to you any further.

 

[DWhittles]

LOL! DH and I had a discussion about sex expectations a year or so ago. He thought everyone except him was having sex 5 times a week because "that's what the Men's magazines said." So I had to burst his bubble and tell him what the average for married couples was. He didn't think he had it so bad after that.

I'm cracking up beacuse I think our husbands read the same magazine. Mine still doesn't believe me though. He still thinks we are WAY under average...

 

[DWhittles]

Not to sound harsh, but have you read the affair thread?

Even if there is no physical relationship yet, it sounds like there is or soon will be an emotional one. I would suggest reading it if you haven't.

I have a question. Let's say you do get involved with him and fall deeply and madly in love with him. Do you HONESTLY think he'd leave his wife for you and do you really want to be the other woman? If you aren't the other woman, do you really want to be known as a home wrecker?
Cut it off now sweetie. I've BEEN down this road when I was much younger and I can tell you it's #1 on my top ten list of things I wish I could change.
It can't end well if you keep this going.

 

[dturner]

He still thinks we are WAY under average...

DITTO!! I tried the same thing, from an article I read and told DW that we are WAY ABOVE THE AVERAGE and he doesn't believe me either.

Men!!!!!

 

[s&k'smom]

OK gotta add my two cents.

My sister was married to a guy who cheated, if it walked, talked, breathed he cheated with it. On the surface everything was fine and I realize this is coming from someone who watched her sister's hurt but please don't go down this road. Most men are wonderful people including my husband and I have two fantastic brother's in laws. He'll tell you what you want to hear to get you to bed. Save yourself a lot of heartache. And everyone always finds out, and I mean everyone.

 

[belleandthebeast]

Sorry, didn't read through to the last post!

 

[DWhittles]

DITTO!! I tried the same thing, from an article I read and told DW that we are WAY ABOVE THE AVERAGE and he doesn't believe me either.

Men!!!!!

LOL,
they do love to complain don't they? I think if they were getting it 7 days a week 10 times a day that still wouldn't come close to their ideal...

 

[leighe]

I'm kind of looking at one of these situations from the outside. I have been befriending a married man who claims to be in a loveless celibate marriage. He is 52 and their son is 20 and in college. We just started seeing each other around in strictly, social situations. I gave him my phone number so he talk to me because he asked for it.

I have grown to be really fond of this person, and I look forward to seeing him in our "social situation" once a week. He recently confessed to me that I have made him have feelings that he hasn't had in years. The weird thing is, is despite our age differences, I am kind of attracted to him. Please don't misunderstand me, I am not a man-stealer, and I would never think of doing anything with him while he is with her.

I do feel guilty just for having really deep discussions with him. He just asked me to go to lunch and calls atleast once a week. I wanted to confess this, even if no one reads it , cause it's started to weigh on my conscience. What would you do if you were me? Break off all contact? Keep hanging out?

This is really hard for me to admit but my DH had an affair that started when we had only be married for 6 months! What hurt me the most was the emotional connection he seemed to have with this girl. If he had just gotten drunk and had sex with her I wouldn't have felt nearly as bad. What really hurt me was all the spending time together, intimate conversations, etc. We worked everything out and we've worked really hard at our marriage, but I do still wonder sometimes what he told her about me - if they talked about our marriage. stuff like that.

Please, please believe that I'm not judging you at all. But this guy is really hurting someone who probably loves him dearly. You deserve better too.

 

[theSurlyMermaid]

Just ringing in to agree with everyone re: Minnie's situation. Girl, run. NOW. Don't worry about hurt feelings, etc....if you express yourself in a mature, friendly but not too friendly way, his feelings shouldn't be hurt. If they are, you'll know he's too immature for you. Even at 52!!!!

When I was VERY young (19 or so) I also allowed myself to be sweet talked by a married man (and his wife was pregnant as well). Nothing too terrible happened, but being so young and dumb I did things that I just cannot believe I did. He completely took advantage of my insecurities and he was good enough that I didn't know he was doing it. But if you think about it...if a guy comes off all lecherous and unappealing, there wouldn't be an issue running away, would there? It would be easy.

Anyway, boy, is that a huge regret in my life. Don't let it happen to you. Walk away now.

 

[Tasha+Scott]

minniepumpernickel,

I remember you posting about this man and how you were trying to help him on another thread, and I can honestly say I saw this coming. I want to share something with you that will hopefully convince you that no good can come from getting into an emotional affair with this man (which it sounds like you are already in the emotional affair with him, IMO). My dad was a cheater. I won't even try to sugar-coat it. He cheated on my mom while she was pregnant with me. I found this out after I was already grown and married. He had numerous affairs throughout their marriage but she kept giving him the benefit of the doubt. Finally, he got into a sexual as well as emotional affair with another woman who was also married. He ended up leaving my mom and his kids (me and my 2 brothers) to be with her. She ended up leaving her husband as well. He told this other woman things like this man is telling you, that his wife had not given him sex in about 5 years, etc. Funny thing was, my youngest brother was only 2 at the time, so the sex had to come into play at one point, don't you think? This other woman ended up getting pregnant, so she and my dad got married. Are they still married? Nope, he is now on wife # 3 and she is on husband #3. They were always jealous and always suspicious of each other. It is kind of hard to trust a cheater even if you are one yourself. They did end up splitting up due to one of them having an affair. I suspect they both had affairs though. What I am telling you is 2 things really. 1. What he says about his wife is probably not even true. It is what he wants you to believe so you will feel sorry for him and have the affair with him. 2. Once a cheater, most likely (except in VERY RARE cases!) ALWAYS a cheater. I am sorry but I feel very strongly about this. I say, get away from this guy as fast as you can and cut off all contact with him. I have been in a similar situation and I promise you that it will more than likely end very badly.

 

[clutter]

Honestly, I really appreciate the help you guys are giving me.

I just thought that of he was just looking for sex, he wouldn't have picked me. I am kind of the feminist, opinionated type. I have told him a lot of my views. I'm sure you guys are familiar with them from on here. So, I'm not exactly making it easy for him to get sex.



You're a challenge. Imagine how wonderful he'll feel about himself when and if he wins his way with you. The bigger man HE is if manages to convince you. Once he does, then what? He gets to spend the rest of your lives wishing he wasn't married? Do you really want a man that won't leave a "bad" marriage unless he has something else to go to? If it's bad, its' bad. Leave. Then start looking. If he ain't leaving, he doesn't want a relationship. He's looking for an affair to lament over as well lamenting over his marriage.

BTDT. Run, don't walk.

 

[chobie]

Look, even if this guy is being honest and sincere, which he may well be, it doesn't change the fact that you will be in a one-sided relationship. You won't be able to call him or see him when you want to. You will have to be sneaky all the time. If he's not a player and this is his first time straying he will most likely feel feel guilty and put you through hell because he feels bad.
Then he'll do the Madonna/***** compartmentalization to deal with the guilt, and guess who he will decide is the *****? You or his wife?

 

[OceanAnnie]

Somedaysingleagain?

 

[Cinderellagrl]

LOL,
they do love to complain don't they? I think if they were getting it 7 days a week 10 times a day that still wouldn't come close to their ideal...

Wow! You just took the words right out of my mouth. I tell DH those exact words all the time!

 

[danacara]

Dudes ... we all know she's going to do it, right? I'd put $100 on it. Let's not waste too much of our breath here. This is chapter 17 of my future book, entitled "Stupid Things Otherwise Bright Women Do To Dump Their Self-Esteem Right Into the Toilet." Chapter 17 will be subtitled "Sleep with Mr. Married Suaveness because he swears up and down that he's not getting any, which is an obvious and overt lie, because your self esteem is in such shambles that you think this is what you deserve." Chapter 16 is "Contentedness to know absolutely zero about the family financial situation." Chapter 18 is "Marry the First Tom, Dick or Harry who asks, even though he treats you marginally, because you think you're fat and worthless." I could go on and on. This will be a large book.

Danacara

 

[chobie]

Dudes ... we all know she's going to do it, right? I'd put $100 on it. Let's not waste too much of our breath here. This is chapter 17 of my future book, "Stupid Things Otherwise Bright Women Do To Dump Their Self-Esteem Right Into the Toilet." Chapter 16 is "Contentedness to know absolutely zero about the family financial situation." Chapter 18 is "Marry the First Tom, Dick or Harry who asks, even though he treats you marginally, because you think you're fat and worthless." I could go on and on. This will be a large book.

Danacara

Nauseating, but true.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Dana, Dana, Dana. The short version of your book is, "The Spider and the Fly."

But those spiders certainly do have a lot of tactics, so I do see a need for the long version.

 

[RitaZ.]

Dana; I'm over your last post! How do you come up with these things?

Minnie~ There really isn't anything that I can add that others haven't already said. Re-read the posts written by those that "have been there and done that". It all comes down to this, is this what you want for yourself? Don't settle for crumbs.

 

[danacara]

OceanAnnie - once it's published - I think you should write up the cliff notes!

Chapter 1: Not finish your education because the schmuckball you married doesn't think it's a good idea and doesn't feel like paying for it

Chapter 2: Participate in any stay-at-home business that you haven't thoroughly researched

Chapter 3: Get pregnant without two dimes to rub together, and then deem it some cosmic accident

Chapter 4: Facilitate the 30-year-old child-baby that lives in your basement rent-free and has no idea what a 401(k) is, but can correctly name the price, to the penny, of any six pack of beer at the local supermarket

I am revved on this topic

 

[Pongo69]

I am a long time member of the DIS, but changed my name for this thread because I have some RLF's that come here, and would hate for them to know how I feel.

Basically, I yearn for the day that my kids are grown up, and on their own so I can be single again. I would never leave my husband just because I am not as happy as I feel I should be, while the kids are young. We do not have a bad marriage. I think we have settled with each other. He has no sense of humor. I never laugh around him. If we watch something funny on TV, like stand-up comedy, I could be hysterical with laughter, and he will look at me like I have two heads. I have always been one with a great sense of humor, and I love to laugh. I don't think he loves me, and I can say the same about him.

For our anniversary, he got me a card that showed a rabbit and a cat hugging. It said "In our own weird way.." on the inside it said "we work"

To me, that tells me he has settled also. I am not miserable, but it is like I feel like am a strongly independent person being forced to live with a roommate.

If and when the day comes that I am on my own, that will be it, I will be on my own and loving it. I will not be looking for any man. I guess marriage does not work for me. It was something I always yearned for, but I didn't need it. Now, with the kids, I made my bed, I am going to sleep in it, for as long as I have to, so they can have a secure, happy upbringing.

Just wondering if other have BTDT?

You received alot of great advice so the only thing I'll say is this "which has been spoken before"

YOU and your dh need to start making time for one another. Become spontaneous by adding alittle "SPICE" into your relationship. PAW hit it on the head when she said "seduce your husband".

If you can hire a baby sitter, plan a mini weekend trip for you and your dh. Go to a nice hotel in your area just the two of you and have a picnic in your room. If going out isn't an option after the kids are asleep dim the lights, turn on some smooth jazz or some Barry White,throw pillows on the floor and light some candles. While giving your dh a nice shoulder massage and his senses are flowing start talking about how you feel. If you don't want to do a back massage, give him a hand massage. While massaging his hands look him straight in the eyes and tell him how you feel.

You would be surprised how clueless men are sometimes unless we tell them exactly how we feel. I know it hurts feeling like your in limbo with your husband but I think if you and he can -set a time once a month (or if more that's good also) to spend with one another that would make a whole lot of difference. Do it every month

Good Luck