Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[snoopy]

I'm kind of looking at one of these situations from the outside. I have been befriending a married man who claims to be in a loveless celibate marriage. He is 52 and their son is 20 and in college. We just started seeing each other around in strictly, social situations. I gave him my phone number so he talk to me because he asked for it.

I have grown to be really fond of this person, and I look forward to seeing him in our "social situation" once a week. He recently confessed to me that I have made him have feelings that he hasn't had in years. The weird thing is, is despite our age differences, I am kind of attracted to him. Please don't misunderstand me, I am not a man-stealer, and I would never think of doing anything with him while he is with her.

I do feel guilty just for having really deep discussions with him. He just asked me to go to lunch and calls atleast once a week. I wanted to confess this, even if no one reads it , cause it's started to weigh on my conscience. What would you do if you were me? Break off all contact? Keep hanging out?

Oy......

My advice? Run away, and don't look back! This man needs to either use his wife as a sounding board, or a psychiatrist, not some young single woman.

What happened to the cute single doctor? This is the kind of guy you need to be having deep discussions with.

I hope I haven't overstepped my boundaries. I truly believe that single women seeking a relationship should make a list of what is acceptable and what is not, and what are the qualities required to withstand a long term commitment. And then hold that criteria close to your heart and not settle for less!

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Oy......

My advice? Run away, and don't look back! This man needs to either use his wife as a sounding board, or a psychiatrist, not some young single woman.

What happened to the cute single doctor? This is the kind of guy you need to be having deep discussions with.

I hope I haven't overstepped my boundaries. I truly believe that single women seeking a relationship should make a list of what is acceptable and what is not, and what are the qualities required to withstand a long term commitment. And then hold that criteria close to your heart and not settle for less!

I'm still with the young, single Dr. but I'm worried that we may not make it! I think that I am a little bit dysfunctional when it comes to relationships.

I really, really appreciate your honesty! I've talked to some of my friends and they told me to stay away too. I need a shrink, LOL!

 

[Lewski709]

I have grown to be really fond of this person, and I look forward to seeing him in our "social situation" once a week. He recently confessed to me that I have made him have feelings that he hasn't had in years. The weird thing is, is despite our age differences, I am kind of attracted to him.

WOW...sounds like he's looking for you and you are reciprocating feelings, possibly allowing a reason to end what he currently has going on. You're giving him what he wants.

I do feel guilty just for having really deep discussions with him.

Well... uh, I think this is GOOD. You know something about it isn't right. Don't start something you can't finish. You don't want to be the reason for all of this mess ending. He's got things to straighten out before leaning on you.

He just asked me to go to lunch and calls atleast once a week. I wanted to confess this, even if no one reads it , cause it's started to weigh on my conscience. What would you do if you were me? Break off all contact? Keep hanging out?

I think if you respect yourself and him that you should respect the marriage he is in and allow him time to make peace with that current situation. Whether he stays or leaves, don't allow yourself to be the go to. He's got to make a decision without involving you. You should tell him this. He will respect you for it.

Just think, what if this relationship DID progress. Would you be comfortable with him, knowing how the two of you hooked up?

 

[Lewski709]

This is probably a really dumb question, but would a 52 yr. old man want sex all of the time?

ARE YOU SERIOUS? What man doesn't want sex?

 

[tandrjohn]

This is probably a really dumb question, but would a 52 yr. old man want sex all of the time?

3 words: viagria, cialis, levitra

 

[Lewski709]

OH and MPN....

It was very brave of you to share this info and I'm sorry you are in a pickle.

 

[chobie]

My advice? Run away, and don't look back! This man needs to either use his wife as a sounding board, or a psychiatrist, not some young single woman.

I agree. Tell him what you told us about how you feel about him, then tell him he can give you a call when he is single. It its meant to be then its meant to be. At his age, he probably does not want to get divorced for financial reasons and to maintain his image to friends and family, so he's trying to have the best of both worlds. My opinion, of course.

 

[danacara]

minniepumpernickel, you already know what the answer to this is.

You are asking us to tell you, but I'm not sure I understand why, because I don't think you're going to take their advice.

The appeal of a forbidden man is a strong one, isn't it? You can do better. There are single guys floating around in this world who would kill to marry either one of us, I'm sure of it. Don't emotionally invest in a married guy (who, if he ever DOES leave his current wife for you, is guaranteed to cheat on you - once a cheater - always) when you can devote your energy to the huge pool of potential that is smart sexy single men in the US.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This is probably a really dumb question, but would a 52 yr. old man want sex all of the time?

Uh, yea. You haven't figured out that is what he wants from you yet? Um, if you don't want to give it up to him I would cut him off now.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

WOW...sounds like he's looking for you and you are reciprocating feelings, possibly allowing a reason to end what he currently has going on. You're giving him what he wants.

Well... uh, I think this is GOOD. You know something about it isn't right. Don't start something you can't finish. You don't want to be the reason for all of this mess ending. He's got things to straighten out before leaning on you.

I think if you respect yourself and him that you should respect the marriage he is in and allow him time to make peace with that current situation. Whether he stays or leaves, don't allow yourself to be the go to. He's got to make a decision without involving you. You should tell him this. He will respect you for it.

Just think, what if this relationship DID progress. Would you be comfortable with him, knowing how the two of you hooked up?

I feel like I am stealing this poor woman's thread!

So do you think that I should tell him flat out that he needs to straighten out his own life before talking to me about it? Normally I am very assertive, but for some reason in this situation I'm having a hard time. I kind of feel like I knew him in a past life or something, we seem to have a unique way of relating.

LOL, to the sex thing!

 

[chobie]

So do you think that I should tell him flat out that he needs to straighten out his own life before talking to me about it?

Yes! Before you become even more attached.

 

[Lewski709]

I feel like I am stealing this poor woman's thread!

So do you think that I should tell him flat out that he needs to straighten out his own life before talking to me about it? Normally I am very assertive, but for some reason in this situation I'm having a hard time. I kind of feel like I knew him in a past life or something, we seem to have a unique way of relating.

LOL, to the sex thing!

Most definitley! Tell him once (and he won't) he gets a divorce, you can resume your lunches and further discussions. Tell him you are sorry, you aren't trying to be cruel...you just are protecting yourself. Again, I am sure he will respect that!

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Most definitley! When (and he won't) he get a divorce, you can resume your lunches and discussions. Tell him you are sorry, you aren't trying to be cruel...you just are protecting yourself. Again, I am sure he will respect that!

I do see him around socially, so I don't want to cause bad feelings. Not to mention the fact that I kind of like him.

I do like what you said about protecting myself though. Ugh, I feel stupid!

 

[minniepumpernickel]

minniepumpernickel, you already know what the answer to this is.

You are asking us to tell you, but I'm not sure I understand why, because I don't think you're going to take their advice.

The appeal of a forbidden man is a strong one, isn't it? You can do better. There are single guys floating around in this world who would kill to marry either one of us, I'm sure of it. Don't emotionally invest in a married guy (who, if he ever DOES leave his current wife for you, is guaranteed to cheat on you - once a cheater - always) when you can devote your energy to the huge pool of potential that is smart sexy single men in the US.

Dana you are so sweet!

 

[Tiggeroo]

All marriages go thru down times. And long marriages, especially. There is a time when you are so kid centered, and maybe working on the career and there are always house projects, etc when you completely lose touch. It sounds as though you don't plan on going anywhere soon so I would try to fix things. And also try to fix yourself. Get involved in some outside the home things. If you go to a church see if they have a woman's group. Take a class, etc. (be careful because if you are vulnerable you could further complicate things by throwing another man into the mix). And really try to do things for your husband, even though he might not deserve it. At a time when he you aren't fighting or obviously upset talk about counseling. And maybe just get some counseling on your own because you could be a bit depressed and need to vent away from him.
If you depend on your dh's income do start considering career possibilities for yourself. Maybe go back to school. If you find things to do on your own, put alot of extra effort into your marriage, and get some counseling you might find that things work out. If not, you will leave knowing you did all you can.

 

[Somedaysingleagain]

ACK! I just posted a long post (sorry pop daddy) and I hit the submit button and it didn't go through!

I wanted to thank you all for the great input, and clarify somethings. I just can't type it all out agian right now. I will be back later, with my new post.

Minniepumpernickel...don't feel bad about using this thread for advice. Take all that you can get! I am just glad my one little post has been so helpful for others.

 

[blue oyster]

Reading this thread re-inforces my view that marriage is an unnatural state. We're basically just animals and we're not supposed to spend the rest of our lives with the same mate.

Just my opinion.

 

[poohandwendy]

MP,

Don't get involved with any married man, no matter what line of bull he feeds you. You are worth far too much to be shoplifting in a second-hand store!

I kind of feel like I knew him in a past life or something, we seem to have a unique way of relating.

Chances are his wife taught him all he knows about that unique way of 'relating'..do not trust him.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

In my situation, it's SEX! He wants it all the time, I could really care a less.

LOL! DH and I had a discussion about sex expectations a year or so ago. He thought everyone except him was having sex 5 times a week because "that's what the Men's magazines said." So I had to burst his bubble and tell him what the average for married couples was. He didn't think he had it so bad after that.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

MP,

Don't get involved with any married man, no matter what line of bull he feeds you. You are worth far too much to be shoplifting in a second-hand store!

Do you guys really think that he is BSing me? He's calling me tonight. I need strength. Something about him has really got me going.