Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[Lewski709]

SDSA, I am sooooooo glad you opened up and others felt comfortable enough to post their stories too. You have not only gotten some good advice, I am betting YOU helped others and that is soooooo great.

MPN, I still have hopes for you to "wake up". You deserve better and this man needs to settle and divorce, IMO, before you continue the "freindship".

SnoWhite, I think things will get better for you.

AnotherDisguise, I don't think I've been bothered by a post and response so much as I have yours. Put the IGNORE button on my name, if that's what you want. I will be judged by a higher being later in my life and I'm not to worried about being so positive about marriage, respecting myself, my kids, other innocent victims and my vows. Wrong is wrong.

Jipsy, HOORAY, good for you. You are a smart, tough cookie for doing what you did.

Again, and prayers for all who need them.

Oh and my marriage isn't perfect, but we are in counseling working on it. I know not ALL marriages can be resolved. I never said 'always' being married was best.

 

[Disney Doll]

You know mpn, you are just bound and determined to learn things the hard way.

It's unfortunate that those younger than some of the rest of us (and BTW, I'm 42, so not exactly "nurisng home material" yet...LOL) would prefer to learn the hard way and think they know everything there is to know about everything. If you would pay some attention, rather than continue to blame the "shrewish" wives for their "poor, put upon downtrodden" husband's need to go and find someone younger (read more naive) who "understands them", then you'd save yourself a lot of heartache.

Again I wish you luck...you're going to need it.

As for the rest of you, pixie dust all around! Let's not consider personal responsibilty, morals, ethics, values or anything else...too time-consuming, and none of it matters anyhow. Whatever it is you're doing is great, just wonderful, makes you happy, don't worry about anything else. Nobody else will be negatively affected, and if they are, what does it matter as long as it works for you and what you want? Just go & enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Minnie,

This is not Buddhism. You're boffing a married dude. You keep switching between past and present tense and you're giving yourself away. I'll talk philosophy with you all day if you want, but this is not something you need a Ph.D. in the discipline to understand - don't boff the married dudes.

You're getting way too deep because you're making excuses, but to be honest, as far as I'm concerned - since no one is going to be able to dissuade you from boffing the married dude - go ahead and waste a few months of your life - it leaves more single dudes for me. Just try not to get pregnant because when you look back at this experience in retrospect, you're going to feel like a moron, so try to not have a kid to remind you of that idiot move you made way back when, every single day of your life.

Dana

Dana,
You don't seem to have much faith in me! I would love to talk philosophy with you sometime.

My parents are both divorced and remarried too. So I also came from a place where those type of issues played a role. I also have some issues to deal with too.

I appreciate your candor, but nobody is doing any boffing around here. No one is having any kids either.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

You know mpn, you are just bound and determined to learn things the hard way.

It's unfortunate that those younger than some of the rest of us (and BTW, I'm 42, so not exactly "nurisng home material" yet...LOL) would prefer to learn the hard way and think they know everything there is to know about everything. If you would pay some attention, rather than continue to blame the "shrewish" wives for their "poor, put upon downtrodden" husband's need to go and find someone younger (read more naive) who "understands them", then you'd save yourself a lot of heartache.

Again I wish you luck...you're going to need it.

As for the rest of you, pixie dust all around! Let's not consider personal responsibilty, morals, ethics, values or anything else...too time-consuming, and none of it matters anyhow. Whatever it is you're doing is great, just wonderful, makes you happy, don't worry about anything else. Nobody else will be negatively affected, and if they are, what does it matter as long as it works for you and what you want? Just go & enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's the way that you were talking, you already had me tried, guilty, and convicted. I didn't mean old as in age, I meant old as in the people on here that I used to fight with years ago. Why are people being so rude about it? Nevermind..... I think I have that all figured out too.

I'll just leave it up to the rest of you to dazzle us with your brilliance, and to set up as many imaginary scenarios as you like.

No, I wish I looked like Angelina Jolie to the eprson that brought that up! LOL!

 

[janette]

Not sure I should even say anything especially without hiding under another user but here goes.

My DH & I don't have a great (maybe make that almost none) relationship, he doesn't get it and we do need to work on it. I also know if we divorce we'd both be worse off financially and my girls would lose their father because he also would make little effort to see them if they didn't live in the same house. What I'll do in 10/15 years I don't know, we'll see where we are then. For those that think better sex would fix things my DH would agree with you, the problem is that he doesn't see that relationships take much more than that. I'm to the point and I think this thread has helped me to try again to see that we can't fix it by ourselves and need some outside help.

I mostly want to say to MPN. My DH has a few women friends at the office. One that he talks with often and would consider a good friend. I often find myself bothered by the friendship. She is in a good relationship (as far as I know) and I'm not really worried about it going further. It's not sex that bothers me I just wish my DH & I could go back to being more like the friends they are. No matter what this guy is telling you and if it were my DH I wouldn't be happy. WDWhound has the best posts on this matter. Go back and read them. It's not about sex, it's about the relationship.

 

[chell]

Just hope things don't begin to get worse and harsh feelings don't begin to brew.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Acting bitter and shrewish doesn't strike me as being very insightful. It makes me understand why some of these husbands are turning to the "manhater" types out there.

Maybe the old crowd is just trying to get me back as usual. Some of the things that some people have said on here have crossed some boundaries. Don't worry, I'm pretty thick skinned. Venom and animosity usually just reflects badly on the person that expresses them . I don't need a phd in psychology for that Pooh and Wendy. Mocking someones beliefs Ocean Annie (Buddhism) doesn't win me points with you either.

Pooh and Wendy are you in a happy marriage? Some of the things that you ahve said sure make me wonder about you!

Sorry you thought I was "mocking" your beliefs. That wasn't my intent. You convoluted my point. I then extended my point to incorporate the beliefs you stated. It doesn't add up. If "mind water" is only important to the owner, then that's news to me. I don't know of any religion that that is concerned only with self. I suppose I could be wrong. If so, I apologize.

It appears that you aren't evenly applying your beliefs. That's not mocking you. That's making a point. Sorry you don't like that.

 

[poohandwendy]

Pooh and Wendy are you in a happy marriage? Some of the things that you ahve said sure make me wonder about you!

Thanks for wondering about me! Yes, I am very happily married, but I didn't get here by chance and it has not been easy by any means. Curious that you think my posts suggest otherwise.

We have had ups and downs all through our 18 years and will for the rest of our lives, so I do understand feeling disenchanted at times. However, I will continue to refuse to settle for a dead marriage because it is too much work to try. There have been times where both my DH and I have had to push the other fighting tooth and nail to work things out and get back where we need to be. I would rather be divorced than give up on any part of the promises we made, not just the part that means I will stay here for the kids.

As far as your thinking we have crossed the line in this thread, so be it. I wholeheartedly believe that getting involved with a married person is wrong, no matter what the circumstances or who attempts to justify it. My intentions when talking to you (and everyone else here) have always been sincere in hopes that maybe words would give you pause.

You do what you want, but don't fool yourself into thinking that if you do follow this path that you are not making a conscious decision to be part of the destruction of a family. Even if your part is small, it's still slimy, IMHO. To be honest, I think you deserve more than that. But, I refuse to sugarcoat it to make you or anyone else feel ok about it.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

True, so true. Anyone that even contemplates an affair with a married man is a few bricks short of a full load IMO. BTW PAW.....you shouldn't have deleted your post....it was worthy of a PhD

Anyone who lives with a man who beats them is a few bricks short of a full load. Thank god you got out of that! I would be the first one to stand up for a woman I saw getting beaten.

 

[luv2nascar]

wow I got sucked into reading this page after page
I hit the wall of disgust though and can't read anymore
I'm going to hug and kiss my husband and kids
this thread makes me feel like there is nothing dysfunctional about my family
good luck to you all

 

[ohanafamily]

Hi, I got to page 14 or so and got called away; I am at work...

OK, I am a male, so my view might be a little different...

STBSA, there has been a lot of good advice here, but from what I read in your 2nd post, I would say that seeing a counsellor is essential. He is probably not aware of your feelings and you are probably not aware of his. The fact that you are afraid of what he is thinking. this proves that you are not communicating enough. I would also suggest a "Date Night" not necessarily what Lewski's DH seems to need It sounds to me like you are needing time to be friends, away from the kids and away from problems. Plan on spending a few hours talking about happy things. Passion is great in a relationship, but Love is more than sex (Sorry Lewski...) As your relationship matures you grow emotionally with each other. Being married to your best friend doesn't take so much work, but it can take effort. Communication is key.

Lewski, all I can say is you have a very lucky husband; from the way you talk about him, there is a lot of love there. I only hope that as Robin and I get older we can keep that childlike affection. I am sure a lot of people on this thread are quite jealous.

PoohandWendy, I love your insightful advice. I too believe that marriage is forever and not a comittment to take lightly.

Minnie...How can I say this lightly...If he is married and seeing you, there is something poopy in the diaper. I was on a third side of a relationship sort of like yours many years ago. I was hopelessly enamored with a girl who was dating a married man. He tortured her, and she was so involved that she didn't see it. She was so messed up that he sent her to Santa Fe to get her head together. She "broke up with him", and I went there to bring her back home. I was tortured (emotionally) by her, and she sent me packing (and stayed there. I was torn apart. She doesn't know what she gave up... my advice to you, Dump him and take a week at WDW to feel better.

There is a lot more I can say, but so much has already been said. I will end this post by saying that I am happily married to my soul-mate. I had to kiss a lot of frogs, but I cannot think of my life without her. This doesn't mean that our world is all Leave it to beaverish, but we talk things out when something bugs us. If we have trouble saying the words, sometime we make a post in a thread where the other will see it. we communicate, and share lots of happy thoughts and times...

 

[TigerBear]

MP - all your s in your posts make me think that you are truly enjoying yourself. What are you getting out of this relationship?

 

[Lewski709]

For those that think better sex would fix things my DH would agree with you, the problem is that he doesn't see that relationships take much more than that.

LOL! I think a lot of men are like this , my DH isn't happy about the amount either. Is any man?

My DH and I were friends before and retain the friendship, we are best friends. We 'play' around a lot with one another. I enjoy the loving banter.

I mainly came back to post that PAW...I too enjoy your posts and am sorry I missed the one you wrote and "saved for later". Nice to see you again.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

MP - all your s in your posts make me think that you are truly enjoying yourself. What are you getting out of this relationship?

I'm starting to think that you guys enjoy being a bunch of self-righteous *****es. I truly hope I get banned for saying that, cause I don't want to come back here anyway. (YAGE)

 

[totalia]

If someone cheats (emotionally or physically) then do everyone a favor and save them alot of pain by leaving.

Minnie, I have to agree with the others. Stop what your doing. You may think your helping this man but your just going to cause problems for everyone. You know what your doing is wrong but you still keep doing it. Just stop it. Cut contact. Its kinder for everyone involved.

Btw, leaving just because you don't like whats been said is rather... well... childish.

 

[Tiggeroo]

MP I really don't see what you are upset about. There are maybe 2 people in a very large thread who were too harsh. The rest of them had an oppinion different then yours but were kind and concerned. You posted some personal information, didn't like anybody's oppinion so you picked up your marbles and went home.

 

[Planogirl]

ohanafamily, nice post. I like the mention of kissing a lot of frogs. I suspect that most of us have had to do that.

MP, maybe you need to ask yourself what you wanted when you posted your info. Did you want everyone to tell you that it was OK? Whatever anyone here tells you, only you can decide what's right for you. Getting mad and leaving doesn't change that.

 

[Papa Deuce]

LOL! I think a lot of men are like this , my DH isn't happy about the amount either. Is any man?

I know that I am not.... but with the twins and us working opposite schedules, I at least, understand it. I can tell you that I feel more in love with my wife, and more connected with her when we make love more often. That is NO BS.

Many days it feels like we are roomies. On the days when we do make love it feels like we are married.

 

[Madi100]

I'm sorry I haven't read all of the posts. I will go back and read them all when I have more time. I just wanted to share my thoughts.

I, too, think that marriage is forever. My parents are divorced, and if you think that once your kids are out of the house that having divorced parents is no big deal, you've got another thing coming. Next weekend is my daughter's birthday party. Both of my parents want to spend the night. Who gets to? And, the problem is not with my parents, it's with the step-parents. So, if you think that you get along well enough with your DH now, that you could as an X, you'll never know how the new spouses will be. DH doesn't have a father. He met his sperm donor once when he was 20 years old. The guy asked to borrow money. Marriage is very important to both of us.

With that said, sometime I wonder why in the world I married this guy. He is never one to take things seriously. I'm the most serious person in the world. I like a good argument. He avoids conflict at all costs. I love a "debate". He takes the popular position. I was raised in a Christian home. He was raised in a home where there was always a different guy spending the night with his mother. He partied and planned on being dead by the time he was 30. I have always dreamed of having a family and am not much of a partier.

But, here we are. We got married when I was 19. He's the only guy I've been serious with. I'm the only girl he's been serioius with. He was 23 when we got married. We have two children. While there are days we'd gladly give the children back, we'd live alone in solidtude than to ever have to hear each other talk again, I could never live without him or my family. I could not imagine going to bed at night and not having him to snuggle up to. I couldn't imagine having his shoulder to cry on. I couldn't imagine not having the family that we do.

When we were dating we sent cards to each other. We wrote letters to each other all the time. We talked on the phone for hours. Now, we get a good half hour a day to talk. But, we don't need the hours to talk, because in the ten years of marriage we have learned each other's hearts. We know all of that stuff. So, yeah, we are content, but it's such a good feeling. Being content means that you know someone well enough that you don't have to worry about impressing them with anything, because you already know what they like.

I think that we look at other people's marriages and see perfection. That is because most people do a good job of keeping their problems behind closed doors. I bet that if you asked your friends and family around you they'd think that you were completely happy, and I bet that there are some people that are envious of your marriage.

 

[totalia]

Madi100

We want marriage to be forever. No one enters into it thinking they will be getting divorced. But sometimes marriage isn't forever. Sometimes one person turns abusive. Sometimes the people are just absolutely miserable and have been for years. Sometimes even the kids wish their parents would just separate. I wished mine separated years before they did. I still do.

My stepdad is a wonderful man. I wish my mom and him had had many many more years together. But my dad was not a good man.

Sometimes divorce is the best option for the well being all those involved.

Perhaps for you divorce will never happen but there are those of us who have divorced and will again if we get abused.