Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[DWhittles]

Ya know,
I had a thought about MPN.
For those of us who are married it might be a little fuzzy but...
Remember way back when you first started dating your future husband? Remember the butterflies you felt everytime the phone rang?
Remember how exciting it was getting to know someone new, someone you "clicked" with?
When my husband and I were dating, we went to a bar to see his friend's band play. We spent all night at the bar making out. After the show, one of the band members came over to us and said "you guys aren't married are you?" I laughed and said "no, why?" He said "It's obvious." I didn't get it at the time. I GET it now. Boy do I get it now.
We were still on that puppy love new relationship infatuation roller coaster.
It was fun, it was new, it was fresh and exciting.
I can guarantee you that's what MPN is feeling now. It's an addictive feeling and one that can cloud your judgement and make you do silly things.
MNP, will you check back in with the boards in say a year and let us know how the relationship is going? I'm curious to see if that "spark" is still there for you...
Diana

 

[poohandwendy]

BTW PAW.....you shouldn't have deleted your post....it was worthy of a PhD

LOL, I saved it for another day, I just thought it would be seen as personal rather than general...but thanks for noticing it!

 

[dawn2]

God, I am so sorry for you. Your post just made me go hug my hubby. I never realized all the women out there that were repulsed by their husbands and wanted no part of sex! My heart goes out to those poor men,

Me too... god, you have no idea. I might as well be cheating on him with another man. Every single day I hurt for both of us. I don't hate him....he is a good man, he's just not the one for me. I can't even begin to explain things..why I married him, why we are together...not here on a message board. Just be grateful for the love you share with your DH...I just wish I could give my DH the same. He deserves it.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Budhism does have a lot of writings about not giving in to earthly passions, etc. They stress that certain passions can muddy mind water.

Anyway, I can only imagine that I am boring everyone on herre to death. "Helping him" would not be a reason to have sex. Who has sex to "help" someone? What does that mean?

I see you have a smilie behind your question, "What does that mean?". So you do see my point. Convolute all you want. Whatever keeps your "mind water" free of mud.

I hope his wife catches on to him. I hope she can have have clear mind water too. How's his mind water? Is it less muddy talking and spending time with you? It doesn't sound like it, from what you've shared. His is probably pretty muddy with all of that pent up passion for you. ("Why can't we make each other happy?".)

Good thing you are there to help him!

That mind water is tricky stuff isn't it?

 

[poohandwendy]

Me too... god, you have no idea. I might as well be cheating on him with another man. Every single day I hurt for both of us. I don't hate him....he is a good man, he's just not the one for me. I can't even begin to explain things..why I married him, why we are together...not here on a message board. Just be grateful for the love you share with your DH...I just wish I could give my DH the same. He deserves it.

That is really a shame, I understand you not being able to explain it all...but i wish you the best and hope you two can find a way to enjoy a better and more intimate marriage...

 

[Teejay32]

Me too... god, you have no idea. I might as well be cheating on him with another man. Every single day I hurt for both of us. I don't hate him....he is a good man, he's just not the one for me. I can't even begin to explain things..why I married him, why we are together...not here on a message board. Just be grateful for the love you share with your DH...I just wish I could give my DH the same. He deserves it.

gosh, that is sad. I'm sorry.

 

[yourtravelpro]

gosh, that is sad. I'm sorry.

You are right, it is sad. So, all of you who don't feel that way about your husbands have no idea until you have walked a mile in our shoes. But, I can assure you, you wouldn't want to.

My husband has no idea because he doesn't understand that with some work I could easily fall in love with him all over again. Because, there is, deep down inside something still there. But, it's buried. It safer that way. I try so hard to get close only to be pushed away time and time again by words and actions. Sometimes there is such a fine line between love and hate. I understand that saying so well. So I stay and take each day at a time, thinking maybe someday I will see a spark of something. Something that will make me feel alive again. But, it never comes.

 

[Somedaysingleagain]

Wow this thread has grown!

After reading through all 25 pages, I am going to talk to my Dh about councelling this weekend. Thanks for your repiles, to to everyone who has PM's me, I will reply, I am just so tired right now, I am going to bed.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. It really has helped me. There may be hope after all.

I do want to make one thing clear though, my kids are NOT miserable. My Dh and I do not have an awful marriage, you cannot feel the tension in the air. My kids laugh and play all day long. My ds is the most open child I have ever known, and if he sensed anything amiss at all between me and his dad, and he was concerned, he would come right out and ask me what was happening. My sister's husband left her a couple of years ago, so they know what divorce is, because their cousins daddy does not live with them anymore. We have discussed what happens when people divorce, and never have they asked if mommy and daddy will get a divorce. IMO, that would be a valid concern for them, if they had picked up on what is going on between us. They have a happy life. So please don't tell me from a few posts that you know my kids are miserable.

I do also hope that nobody thinks that I feel this way about my husband because there is someone else. I could never even think about cheating on my husband.

ETA: about me changing my user name. I hope that you are not offended because I choose to hide. It has nothing to do with hiding from all you nice DISer's that I have never met. I have a few RL friends that come here, and since I referred them, they know my user name. I would be extremely embarrased if I knew that they knew how I really felt about my DH. Or maybe I would be embarressed that they knew I was airing my problems to a bunch of strangers on a BB. I don't know why I am uncomfortable with that, I just know I need to be in disguise, because I can't let them know who I am.

 

[Teejay32]

yourtravelpro - I did put my bad-marriage two cents in the thread, just not in the celibacy group. I might have some idea, so I hope you find the spark.

somedaysingleagain - good luck this weekend.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Glad to see you back, SDSA. And I hope things go well this weekend. We're rooting for you!

 

[poohandwendy]

SDSA,
Thanks for posting again, you sound much more positive today. I hope you can move forward with your DH in a more happy relationship for the both of you. I think it is good that want to try. I hope it brings you and your DH happiness and/or clarity to your situation, no matter the end result.

As far as your kids go, I don't mean to make you think that we think your kids are miserable. I don't assume that at all. My thoughts are that they need the example of a openly loving relationship. If they are used to things being the way they are (with how you feel), then they will miss out in the long run, IMHO, by not seeing intimacy between you and your DH. We are the very first example of love for our children. That doesn't mean they are living a miserable life or anything. That's really all I meant to convey.

I totally understand why you would want to be incognito, I would feel the same way. I am glad you are able to do that here, sometimes we feel we have nowhere to turn and be really honest. I appreciate your candid thoughts and opening up your personal experience. If anything at all, this thread may affect someone who is lurking and sees themselves in your words... it obviously has made all of us think. I thank you for that.

 

[leighe]

You are not just lending an ear. You are having and affair with a married man, plain and simple. An affair does not require sex. In fact, the most damage done by an affair is done by shared emotional intimacy. There was once a thread on the DIS which asked women which would hurt them more, if their husband cheated emotionally or physically. The overwhelming answer was that emotional cheating would be more painful. That is what you are taking part in.

You are having deep, emotion conversations with a married man behing his wife's back. If she knew and saw you as close firends, it would be different, but that is not the case. It doesn't matter who is at fault. It doesn't matter if she is the worst wife in the world. He is married to her and until he gets a divorce, you have no place having the relationship you have with him.

Yes, yes, yes. I posted earlier that the emotional part of my husband's affair is what hurt me the most. It's what I still think about. What did he tell her about me, about us? Minnie - you would never want to be in this situation yourself. If my husband's affair had just been about sex it would have been easier for me to get over.

 

[PatriciaH]

So sorry to hear of so many unhappy marriages-my heart goes out to you. DH and I have been together 10 years and he still makes me week in the knees I can not imagine hating sex with the person I married-what hell. Life is way too short to be unhappy!!! When the kids grow up they tell the parents they were fools for staying in an unhappy marriage-they are not grateful! I have seen it time and time again. Just some random thoughts... WHY do people get married when they sense this is not "THE one?" Why would someone "settle?" WHY do people have children thinking it will make them happy/save the marriage? Why do people ignore their marriage/happiness for the "sake of the kids?" Why do people always say marriage is "hard work?" I think it has been the happiest time in my life and always fun. This is how it should be-not work- a pleasure! You should have a happy life!

 

[Planogirl]

You are right, it is sad. So, all of you who don't feel that way about your husbands have no idea until you have walked a mile in our shoes. But, I can assure you, you wouldn't want to.

My husband has no idea because he doesn't understand that with some work I could easily fall in love with him all over again. Because, there is, deep down inside something still there. But, it's buried. It safer that way. I try so hard to get close only to be pushed away time and time again by words and actions. Sometimes there is such a fine line between love and hate. I understand that saying so well. So I stay and take each day at a time, thinking maybe someday I will see a spark of something. Something that will make me feel alive again. But, it never comes.

I can so relate to your post. With just a little effort things could be a lot different here too.

 

[Disney Doll]

danacara, you ahve been very insightful in this thread. Too bad MPN doesn't want to take advantage of your insight.

pooandwendy, if I were drinking coffee when I read your posts, it would have ocme out of my nose. I love the idea about the exchange!!!!

 

[swea_pea1]

I just finished reading this entire thread and I am so saddened by some of your stories....

MPN, I'm going to share this even though I have little hope that it will sink in. My brother and his wife have been married for 21 years this past November. They have the perfect marriage...they are very loving towards one another in public, are the first couple on the dance floor at weddings, laugh frequently together, have an active sex life (they have both indicated this on more than one occasion), and take trips together with and without their 2 beautiful kids every year. They make well over 6 figures together and he showers her with gifts.

Just before they hit the 21 year mark, my SIL discovered that he was having an affair. A 3 year affair. He then admitted that he has been cheating on her with various women for the past 15 years. He was living a double life and almost nobody (only one of his friends) knew anything about it. It was a complete shock to all of us in the family.

Do you honestly think he told these other women that he was in this loving, perfect relationship? Of course not! He told them his wife was cold, unloving, etc. etc. etc. She doesn't understand, doesn't listen, doesn't tend to his needs. They are now separated, but decided before Christmas that they would begin counseling in late January. They still love another and want to make the marriage work. Regardless, on New Year's Eve, he took his mistress out on their last date. Why? Because he had made a commitment to her! Please!!!! What about the commitment he made 21 years ago?!?!?!? He's screwed in the head is all I can figure. I love him, but no doubt about it, he needs professional help.

In truth, I have no idea what was wrong with him or their marriage to get him to the point where he would risk everything (including the health of my SIL) for whatever cheap thrill he was getting. I don't think he does either. They have started individual, couples, and family counseling to try to get to the bottom of it.

The point is that there are men, even good decent (I use that term loosely when it comes to my brother) men with the right careers who were raised in the right household with the right morals who get screwed up and do moronic (and in my mind, unforgivable) things! You are most likely not your friend's first or last "shoulder to cry on". Get away, now, and don't look back.

 

[Christine]

Okay, deleted my post because it's no longer appropriate.

 

[Somedaysingleagain]

Don't even say "poor men"! If you don't think that there is a perfectly good reason why this woman does not want to have sex with her husband, then you're not thinking clearly.

The act of sex is very emotional for women. If she does not have an intimate bond with her husband, or he has not done his part in the marriage (as many men don't) then, of course, she's not going to want to have sex with him. This situation takes TWO PEOPLE. Please don't go thinking that the man is a hapless victim in this situation. The reason people stay in marriages isn't just about sex. It's not ideal but some times it has to be that way. Yes, you are very lucky that you still feel good in your marriage. Whether that is by wonderful communcation between the two of you, or that you were a perfect fit is anyone's guess. But please know that it doesn't happen for everyone and I don't understand why people feel the need get in "horrors" about it. Many of these posters who have laid out their unhappy stories are NOT looking for comments on their lives, nor do they need advice. They are merely trying to reach out to others--like the OP--who are going through the same thing. Basically, you all should be taking this back to the OP who wanted advice on how to deal with a dead marriage until the kids live. If you've got nothing to offer her on that, then maybe this thread isn't the place for you. I know I will get the old "but she posted on a public board she deserves it and I'm not going to sugar coat it." I think she's WELL aware that her option is divorce and or counseling and she clearly stated she didn't want to do that. Why do you (the general you) keep browbeating everyone here who has an unhappy marriage. You all said your peace--that you couldn't live in these situations--now can we move on?

Sorry, I really don't mean to be the "thread police" I just couldn't stand it anymore. And, if the thread has gotten back on track, Iapologize, I haven't finished reading it.

THANK YOU Christine! You said it all in a nutshell. Last night, at 11PM, my head was spinng trying to get through the 25 pages. Earlier in the day, this this post had 11 pages, I go to work, come home and find it was up to page 25!

Personally, I don't feel like I was attacked or chastised as the OP. But some of the other's who have opened up their lives are now probably regretting it, I am sure. I know most people on this thread have good intentions with their advice. But throwing the fact that they have a heart-goes-pitter-pat relationship and anything below that is so "sad", does not change the fact that not everyone lives in a fairytale. This thread was started by me to see if I was alone in the way I felt. I was happy to see that in the beginning, it seemed like an opportunity to help others, but now it seems, the opposite is happenning. People came here to let ME know that I am not alone, and they are being ridiculed. Personally, I do not condone affairs, but who am I to tell someone else how to live their life? It is a choice they made for themselves, and they will have to live with the consequences.

 

[Christine]

Somedaysingleagain-- I deleted that post because once I had posted it, I finished reading the rest of thread and found that the thread was getting a bit better and less harsh. By the time I got to the bottom, it didn't seem to relate anymore. Anyway, I'm glad you saw it and you liked it and I guess it's fine to stay!!!

You know, now that I'm an "older" woman of 41, my perspective on a lot of things have changed. I remember back when I was in my 20s and 30s, everything was oh-so black and white for me. If someone was cheating--hang 'em. If someone wasn't wanting sex in their marriage--something must be wrong with them. Don't like your marriage--leave. Just get up and walk out. Not trying to discredit any of the younger people posting--this was just how I was.

Now that I've been married well over 20 years and have had very long-term friendships where people have been through the wringer and I've watched it play out from beginning to end, I really don't feel the same way at all. Despite how I feel about certain things like cheating and "roommate" type of marriages, I will no longer criticize people on these types of arrangements. I've been through my own share of weird things in a marriage and, in fact, made a post like yours several months ago. I know people in a stale marriage where one or both parties are at fault (I hate to say this but it is usually the husband's fault in the stale marriages I have seen--they're just "odd" men), I know people who are in long-term affairs, yet I would trust some of them with my life, and I know people who would never do anything wrong in the marriage that would stab me in the back in a minute. I just don't judge people anymore on this type of stuff. On the outside, no one ever really know what goes on in the marriage and EVERY marriage has it's own unique problems that you cannot put a blankent "just walk out" statement on.

You're definitely not alone. One of my VERY good friends is in a very similar situation as you. Her and her DH run a very good home. She is very together, very upbeat, and by all appearances everything is fine. Her DH is another matter. I only know this because I am very friendly with her; the outside world (except for a few) do not know anything is up. She is toughing it out until the kids go and then, that's a maybe. She is in counseling for this too and goes once a week. Her kids are extremely well-adjusted and happy. The older one, who is in HS now, does realize that her parents have a "different" relationship. My friend has been very open with her older child about the relationship and how it is not ideal. The child in elementary school is as happy as can be. The marriage is bad because of the DH and his personality problems. Yes, they were there when she married him but to a much lesser degree. And when you are very young (teens) and trying to get out of your horribly, unstable home environment you cannot see clearly. She would like to leave but, because of her upbringing (having a terrible childhood and homelife), she cannot bear the thought of the instability and possibly having her children suffer that. As much as anyone tells her it will be okay, she cannot see that. She doesn't have a great support structure if she pulls out. As much as any of us say, we could never live like that, some people just have to, and I think we all need to be a little more understanding of that. When I first got to be friends with her, I used to "harp" on her all the time about getting out. When I really got to know her and all of the variables, I felt bad for being that way and I know that she has to do this.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

danacara, you ahve been very insightful in this thread. Too bad MPN doesn't want to take advantage of your insight.

pooandwendy, if I were drinking coffee when I read your posts, it would have ocme out of my nose. I love the idea about the exchange!!!!

Acting bitter and shrewish doesn't strike me as being very insightful. It makes me understand why some of these husbands are turning to the "manhater" types out there.

Maybe the old crowd is just trying to get me back as usual. Some of the things that some people have said on here have crossed some boundaries. Don't worry, I'm pretty thick skinned. Venom and animosity usually just reflects badly on the person that expresses them . I don't need a phd in psychology for that Pooh and Wendy. Mocking someones beliefs Ocean Annie (Buddhism) doesn't win me points with you either.

Pooh and Wendy are you in a happy marriage? Some of the things that you ahve said sure make me wonder about you!