Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[popeyeohoh]

I hope someone is there to pick you up. Good Luck.

 

[gottaluvPluto]

Ok, here I am...sorry it took so long for me to get back here, but I got called into work this afternoon.

So, first let me thank all of you for the great advice. But I do have to say, I am a bit shocked at how many people feel that waiting for the kids to be older to leave would be worse on them if I left now. Divorce hurts anytime, waiting until they are in their 20's, they can understand the reason's, and not blame themselves. I know some people have mentioned themselves or someone they know blaming themselves for their parents unhappy marriage once they found they stayed together for the kids. This amazes me. I will not have my kids come from a broken home just because I think I should be happier than I am.

My OP must of sounded really depressing, because some of you nice people make it sound like I am truly, deeply miserable, and that is not the case at all. I have a social life away from my DH, we do go away once a year alone, sans kids, usually around our anniversary, and DH and I do share ONE passion, and that is Disney. We love our Disney vacations.

I know deep down we need councelling. Communication is our biggest hurdle. My DH is the poorest communicator I have ever known. He thinks I should be able to read his mind. If I have to confront him about anything, he denies it. To the point where he will blame the kids if he has to. I can't stand the lying. It is for no reason. This has bugged me for years, and I finally found out through his brother that their mom used to blame everything on the kids when they were growing up. So I guess that is all he knows, the kids did it. I tell you though, if the kids tell me one thing, and he say another, I go with the kids story. One part of the councelling that has me worried is I would have to confess my feelings for him, and I don't know if I would want to hurt him like that. I am also a little afraid of what he might say about me. Communication is our biggest problem, but our sex life is it's own problem.

He is the least assertive man I have ever known also. To give you an idea of what sex is like in my house, I feel like a grown woman showing a shy teenage boy what sex is all about. He will not initiate sex at all. I will go weeks without initiating it, just to see if he will "break". The thing is, I end up feeling guilty that he hasn't had it in so long, I will initiate it. He always wants it, he just won't ask for it. I, on the other hand would be happy to live out the rest of my days without it. No big deal. It gets exhausting being the one to always decided when to have it, HOW to have it. Yes, he won't even make a move in the heat of passion. I have to tell him every step of the way what I want.

Part of my fantasy of being single is that he will be as happy as I am as a single person. I might be wrong. But we have at least 15 years to work on our marriage, alot can happen in that amount of time. So who knows where I will be in 15 years. I also think that my desire to be single isn't so much I don't want to be with HIM, but that I don't want to be with anyone. I am truly starting to believe that I was a way too independent person for marriage and all the responsibilty that comes with it. (not counting the kids, they are my life).

It sounds like you want the passion back; you want him to put a little effort in the relationship. Do you think you could come up with a way to help him come out of his shell? Maybe do something in baby steps and then one day he will just initiated it himself. Like give him hints .... maybe lay out a nice sexy outfit and give him a note. I know that sounds silly, but men need the help sometimes. Communication is a problem in every marriage. Read everything you can about how men communicate and then talk to your DH. See if you can meet half way. Men don't communicate like women do. Men think they are communicating when they are not.

 

[Tasha+Scott]

LOL....aw forget it...I'll wait a few years for MP to post about how she doesn't understand what went wrong and why her man du jour is doing her wrong...then I'll be blasted for not showering her with pixie dust and hugs, instead telling her...this is what you get for shoplifting in a second hand store, what goes around comes around and all that.....

blah, blah, blah...just another justify my actions, make me feel better about making bad choices thread....

This is exactly what I have been saying. I have tried, you have tried, we have all tried. She has made up her mind. I give up! I just hope you figure this out for yourself eventually MPN and don't wind up getting hurt or hurting others in the process.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

This is exactly what I have been saying. I have tried, you have tried, we have all tried. She has made up her mind. I give up! I just hope you figure this out for yourself eventually MPN and don't wind up getting hurt or hurting others in the process.

You guys all know what I'm doing, but I sure haven't planned on doing anything.

One thing that I love about Buddhism is that sometimes no action is better than taking action. So.....I'll just sit back and watch all of the sparks fly.....

 

[OceanAnnie]

You guys all know what I'm doing, but I sure haven't planned on doing anything.

One thing that I love about Buddhism is that sometimes no action is better than taking action. So.....I'll just sit back and watch all of the sparks fly.....

Buddhism huh?

I'll ask again. He's begging you for sex. You aren't going to give it to him. How's that "helping" him?

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Buddhism huh?

I'll ask again. He's begging you for sex. You aren't going to give it to him. How's that "helping" him?

Budhism does have a lot of writings about not giving in to earthly passions, etc. They stress that certain passions can muddy mind water.

Anyway, I can only imagine that I am boring everyone on herre to death. "Helping him" would not be a reason to have sex. Who has sex to "help" someone? What does that mean?

 

[momof2inPA]

One thing that I love about Buddhism is that sometimes no action is better than taking action. So.....I'll just sit back and watch all of the sparks fly.....

If life is like a wheel, some chick will be having lunch with your husband when you are 50. Get back to us then, and tell us if you mind.

 

[danacara]

Minnie,

This is not Buddhism. You're boffing a married dude. You keep switching between past and present tense and you're giving yourself away. I'll talk philosophy with you all day if you want, but this is not something you need a Ph.D. in the discipline to understand - don't boff the married dudes.

You're getting way too deep because you're making excuses, but to be honest, as far as I'm concerned - since no one is going to be able to dissuade you from boffing the married dude - go ahead and waste a few months of your life - it leaves more single dudes for me. Just try not to get pregnant because when you look back at this experience in retrospect, you're going to feel like a moron, so try to not have a kid to remind you of that idiot move you made way back when, every single day of your life.

Dana

 

[disykat]

Oh, I had no doubt that the guy wants her but I guess I didn't see the harm in her being friendly with him and not progressing it to more than a free lunch or something.

So dating a married guy is okay as long as you don't have sex?

 

[CherCrazy]

I don't think most people on here think physical contact has gone on. I even think it may never go on. The emotional stuff is wrong. A family and a home are private places. You should be able to do whatever you want there without other people knowing, as long as it's legal. You shouldn't have to worry about your spouse telling some other woman about how you are in bed or where you sleep or what you look like in the morning. How bout your dh telling some woman that you don't listen enough, you don't give him sex, you don't even work. That's the violation. If you confessed that there was a guy who was married and you had a one night stand with him I doubt people would be as upset. The sex is just a physical act, it's the intimacy that's the problem.

Didn't I just read this story in People Magazine?? MinniePumperNickle are you really Angelina Jolie in disguise?? And is your older man Brad Pitt??

 

[Teejay32]

You guys all know what I'm doing, but I sure haven't planned on doing anything.

So. You still liking this better than our political threads?

I don't want to see you used by someone to cope with his 'bad' marriage. No matter how sincere he seems, it's sounding bad.

 

[poohandwendy]

nevermind...

 

[dawn2]

Ok, I'm going to be totally honest here. I would not care one iota if my DH cheated on me with another woman. More power to them, especially if that means DH will not be looking to me to satisfy his needs. Sad but true. So who's to say Minnie's friend's wife doesn't feel the same way? Honestly, Minnie, if it were my DH you were talking about I'd say go for it. I don't care....really I don't! Reading this thread has made me realize there are more women out there like me than I thought...and I don't care if my husband cheats, in fact, I would welcome it. I dread and despise that part of my life and if another woman is willing to take that over....YEAH, HURRAY!!! That's one more chore I don't have to deal with, and I thank you for it. That's honestly the way I feel. I'm sorry if this shocks or offends anyone, but I'm just being honest and based on this thread I bet I'm not the only woman out there who feels this way.

 

[poohandwendy]

Gee, maybe you could exchange information and work something out? Looks like a new DIS exchange thread idea...any takers?

 

[Fortuosity]

"Unhappy darling?"

"Oh yes, completely."


Works for the Addams'.

 

[Immelman]

2) um no, guys LIKE the chase - it's a conquest game. the harder you make it, the harder he will try. that way when he gets you it will be all the better.

true words. it's not the kill, it's the thrill of the chase. after the kill, we make excuses like we have an early tee time and slide out the side door.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Ok, I'm going to be totally honest here. I would not care one iota if my DH cheated on me with another woman. More power to them, especially if that means DH will not be looking to me to satisfy his needs. Sad but true. So who's to say Minnie's friend's wife doesn't feel the same way? Honestly, Minnie, if it were my DH you were talking about I'd say go for it. I don't care....really I don't! Reading this thread has made me realize there are more women out there like me than I thought...and I don't care if my husband cheats, in fact, I would welcome it. I dread and despise that part of my life and if another woman is willing to take that over....YEAH, HURRAY!!! That's one more chore I don't have to deal with, and I thank you for it. That's honestly the way I feel. I'm sorry if this shocks or offends anyone, but I'm just being honest and based on this thread I bet I'm not the only woman out there who feels this way.

God, I am so sorry for you. Your post just made me go hug my hubby. I never realized all the women out there that were repulsed by their husbands and wanted no part of sex! My heart goes out to those poor men, I know I am in the minority on this thread but I married a guy that still gives me butterflies when I look at him and nothing sounds better to me at the end of the day than a roll in the hay with him!

 

[poohandwendy]

Yeah, TMs it sure is sad huh? I agree about 'the end of the day', sheesh and it's free and not fattening too! ...

The problem here is though, the wife's feelings are only one reason an affair with a married man is bad...the actual man is another...did ya ever wonder WHY his wife is so repulsed by and uninterested in sex with him? I mean, if his own wife sees it as another 'chore' in her life, I don't imagine he is making anyones eyes roll in the back of her head...if ya know what I mean

 

[tiggersmom2]

The problem here is though, the wife is only one reason an affair with a married man is bad...the actual man is another...did ya ever wonder WHY his wife is so repulsed and uninterested in sex with him? Hmmmm....

True, so true. Anyone that even contemplates an affair with a married man is a few bricks short of a full load IMO. BTW PAW.....you shouldn't have deleted your post....it was worthy of a PhD

 

[OhMari]

I guess that he could still be making it up, but he's not getting into my pants and we have known each other technically for months now. Wouldn't he have moved on to an easier target?

I've been following this thread for awhile, I have no idea how anyone can figure who is helping who anymore. But to answer your question about an easier target? Some men just love the thrill of the chase. When they conquor they move on-some guys never grow out of this syndrome. Remember h.s. The guy that dated girls and just kept moving on from one to the other. They love to chase and when they finally get the girl, they dump them and just go for the next one. When a girl would do this in h.s. they were called every name under the sun, when a guy did this, nothing was ever said.