Does anyone else have this problem?

[minkydog]

My husband is a good man and usually very kind and supportive. BUt i swear, the second I go on a diet he starts sabotaging. I have a strong will, so I can usually withstand it, but he does it in subtle ways. Like, we had dinner at a restaurant. He wanted some ice cream and a muffin. Fine with me, I don't want any. He gets the dessert and pushes it my way saying,"Here, try some of this." No, thank you. He eats a bite and pushes it toward me "Really, it's good!" Now I'm getting kinda irritated...

I thought it was just the dieting(I've lost 36-lbs) but I've noticed it carrying over into other things. I'm an adventurous eater, but there are some things I do not like and at the age of 53 I think I've earned that right. I'm allergic to pineapple & cranberries, so I NEVER eat those things. I do not like coffee, even though I workd nights as a nurse for 25 years. I don't like Vietnamese food under any circumstances. We've been together over 30 years, so it's not like he doesn't know this stuff. Just this morning we had this conversation:
Him: "I'm taking Eleni to the Vietnamese restaurant after her dentist appt, wanna come?"
Me: "No, thank you. I'm not fond of vietnamese food. Ya'll go have a good time."
.....time passes and *RING RING*
Him: "Hey, we're going to get some Vietnamese food, you want us to pick you up?"
Didn't we already talk about that?

He asks me every single day if I want a cup of coffee. I have never drunk coffee in my life. I drink hot tea. Several cups per day.

He will buy granola bars with cranberries in them, then ask me if I want one. (Can you spell 9-1-1?) Or he'll open a can of fruit cocktail and put a big spoonful on my plate(thereby contaminating the whole thing with pineapple.)

Most recently he's doing it to DD16. She's been vegetarian for almost 2 years, yet he will ask her EVERY DAY if she wants a bite of his steak, turkey, grilled chicken, fish, whatever. I think it's so rude! He thinks he's "just being polite" or "just playin' with her" but I think it's passive-aggressive. His father used to "just play" with people too, and it was the most irritatiing thing in the world. I don't like teasing of any kind, but this feels like...I don't know what is the word. It's annoying for sure!

 

[sbell111]

None of us are going to be able to fix your problems. Perhaps you should talk to him about it.

 

[npmommie]

LOL, I had to laugh at some of your story, its just funny.
my dh of 22 years will offer me things he knows ( or should know) i hate.
example........he ran in a convenience store for drinks, he brings me an iced tea with peach flavor, I always say how I despise peach, he thinks I like it
go figure,
now I say i love something i hate, it works

 

[terri01p]

98% of the time my dh picks up groceries on the way home from work, he buys cookies, pies, cakes, candies like crazy and then every once in a while reminds me of how I really need to lose weight. That's when I remind him that I eat what's in the house.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

Although I agree with PP, you're going to have to talk with DH about it...

I know exactly what you mean! I hate pineapple, mushrooms and red bell peppers and one of my friends seems to offer these items to me as much as he can. He thinks he's being funny, and perhaps it was the first time, but now it just irritates me! It is NOT funny and I sincerely wish he would stop.

 

[MIGrandma]

Have you thought about suggesting counseling to him?

I mean, after 30 years it does seem strange that he keeps asking you if you want to join him when he goes for Vietnamese food, or asking you every day if you want coffee, and trying to sabatoge your diet.

And now that he's doing the same things to your vegetarian daughter, it just seems really strange to me and if he were my husband I'd ask him to either stop bugging us about our food likes and dislikes, or I'd make an appointment for him to see a counselor to find out why he does that to you and your daughter.

 

[nutterbutter2010]

None of us are going to be able to fix your problems. Perhaps you should talk to him about it.

Did I miss the part of the post where she asked ANYONE to fix her problems? Get a grip.


Anyway, I know how you feel with the dieting thing. I've lost about 110lbs now, and even though DH says hes supportive, he still trys to get me to eat badly (like he still does). I think food is a comfort thing, so when your partner stops with that comfort, its hard for the partner. Also, when one person loses weight, they change a bit, and maybe your DH is trying to hold on to the old you. Good luck.

 

[mbfqueen]

Sorry if this sounds harsh .. but after that many years (like my hubbs) it's insensitivity .. everyone can mask it anyway they want (oh it's a man thing, oh that silly guy) .. well now after so many years it's irritating .. all they have to do is listen, and if they love their family then at a MINIMUM they should remember what is life threatening to you! lol ..

If he was sensitive, then he would know what your minimum (and life threatening) likes/dislikes are .. lol .. this is not a hard concept, I just think women always make excuses and blow it off .. now after so many years .. it's getting old of blowing it off .. no more for me ..

Mine is 24 yrs now .. and if certain things don't change .. well something else will ..

 

[mbfqueen]

Congrats of your weight loss, wow!

Did I miss the part of the post where she asked ANYONE to fix her problems? Get a grip.


Anyway, I know how you feel with the dieting thing. I've lost about 110lbs now, and even though DH says hes supportive, he still trys to get me to eat badly (like he still does). I think food is a comfort thing, so when your partner stops with that comfort, its hard for the partner. Also, when one person loses weight, they change a bit, and maybe your DH is trying to hold on to the old you. Good luck.

 

[pearlieq]

I gotta say after this long it's unlikely to change, so you're going to have to figure out how to deal with it or figure out if it's a dealbreaker.

If he's an otherwise good husband, just try to ignore it. Keep on repeating "no thank you" when he makes inappropriate offers. Don't put any emotion behind it, just a no thank you.

And stop buying fruit cocktail. If he misses it, tell him that you don't want to keep it in the house anymore since it slips his memory that you can't have it and it has ruined a lot of plates for you. And stand your ground. It might shock him into paying a bit more attention. If not, well, at least you won't have to worry about losing your whole lunch after he puts it on your plate.

On the other hand, if you start noticing other ways he's insensitive and inconsiderate, maybe you should take a good, hard look at him. If he's also completely unwilling to account for your needs and preferences in other areas of life, maybe he's not worth keeping.

 

[minkydog]

None of us are going to be able to fix your problems. Perhaps you should talk to him about it.

Thanks for the suggestion, but i have already talked with him about it. Several times. (I do have enough brains to come up with wise ideas)

Have you thought about suggesting counseling to him?

I mean, after 30 years it does seem strange that he keeps asking you if you want to join him when he goes for Vietnamese food, or asking you every day if you want coffee, and trying to sabatoge your diet.

And now that he's doing the same things to your vegetarian daughter, it just seems really strange to me and if he were my husband I'd ask him to either stop bugging us about our food likes and dislikes, or I'd make an appointment for him to see a counselor to find out why he does that to you and your daughter.

Oh, I have thought about counseling for him. He just thinks he's "forgetful" or he's "just kidding." So, no go on the counseling. I, however, *am* in counseling and I will be bringing this up with my therapist.

You know what they say, you can't change what someone does but you can change your response to it.

Did I miss the part of the post where she asked ANYONE to fix her problems? Get a grip.

Thanks nutterbutter

Sorry if this sounds harsh .. but after that many years (like my hubbs) it's insensitivity .. everyone can mask it anyway they want (oh it's a man thing, oh that silly guy) .. well now after so many years it's irritating .. all they have to do is listen, and if they love their family then at a MINIMUM they should remember what is life threatening to you! lol ..

If he was sensitive, then he would know what your minimum (and life threatening) likes/dislikes are .. lol .. this is not a hard concept, I just think women always make excuses and blow it off .. now after so many years .. it's getting old of blowing it off .. no more for me ..

Mine is 24 yrs now .. and if certain things don't change .. well something else will ..

I agree, it's very insensitive. The thing is, he's unusually sensitive to just about everything else. I had a nervous breakdown a year ago and he was fantastic. Then I had another one in Feb! Again, supported me all the way. That's why I don't get this. Maybe if I use the word "insensitive" he'll understand why I don't like it.

Congrats of your weight loss, wow!

Thanks! It's been long haul and I have about 36-lbs to go, but I'm on the other side of the mountain now. I went to Walmart and got a few inexpensive things. All my pants are literally falling off--I got a belt so I can keep the remaining 4 up! And I gave away my huge size 22 puffy quilted coat(what was i thinking--I look like the Michelin man!) and bought a nice looking inexpensive fitted leather coat in a size 16 Eventually I want to look like a hot 53yo mama!

 

[minkydog]

I gotta say after this long it's unlikely to change, so you're going to have to figure out how to deal with it or figure out if it's a dealbreaker.

If he's an otherwise good husband, just try to ignore it. Keep on repeating "no thank you" when he makes inappropriate offers. Don't put any emotion behind it, just a no thank you.

And stop buying fruit cocktail. If he misses it, tell him that you don't want to keep it in the house anymore since it slips his memory that you can't have it and it has ruined a lot of plates for you. And stand your ground. It might shock him into paying a bit more attention. If not, well, at least you won't have to worry about losing your whole lunch after he puts it on your plate.

On the other hand, if you start noticing other ways he's insensitive and inconsiderate, maybe you should take a good, hard look at him. If he's also completely unwilling to account for your needs and preferences in other areas of life, maybe he's not worth keeping.

He buys the fruit cocktail. But you gave me an idea--I work in a food bank, I could just take it over there. Some needy family would love to get some fruit cocktail!

DH is otherwise a great guy. My own sisters have even said, If you ever get tired of him, we'll take him. And really, in most ways he and I are an almost perfect match. But if I notice more changes I think I will consult with his neurologist. He has sarcoidosis in his brain, which causes seizures. It never occured to me that maybe there is an organic reason! Of course, it's been going on for a long time, but I'm really noticing it more in the past 2 years. So maybe the Sarcoid is changing things

 

[XTinabell]

He buys the fruit cocktail. But you gave me an idea--I work in a food bank, I could just take it over there. Some needy family would love to get some fruit cocktail!

DH is otherwise a great guy. My own sisters have even said, If you ever get tired of him, we'll take him. And really, in most ways he and I are an almost perfect match. But if I notice more changes I think I will consult with his neurologist. He has sarcoidosis in his brain, which causes seizures. It never occured to me that maybe there is an organic reason! Of course, it's been going on for a long time, but I'm really noticing it more in the past 2 years. So maybe the Sarcoid is changing things

It could also just be a man thing. My dh is always asking me if I want coffee, I hate coffee and have never liked it. One time he sat down with a cup and smirked at me and said ' you're jealous of my coffee..sorry..have some' ugh no I'm not jealous lol. I think it's just a guy thing, they try to be thoughtful but don't really think.

 

[mbfqueen]

I think you are on to something here! Check out the medical part, could be something there .. sadly that's not the case for my hubbs lol

He buys the fruit cocktail. But you gave me an idea--I work in a food bank, I could just take it over there. Some needy family would love to get some fruit cocktail!

DH is otherwise a great guy. My own sisters have even said, If you ever get tired of him, we'll take him. And really, in most ways he and I are an almost perfect match. But if I notice more changes I think I will consult with his neurologist. He has sarcoidosis in his brain, which causes seizures. It never occured to me that maybe there is an organic reason! Of course, it's been going on for a long time, but I'm really noticing it more in the past 2 years. So maybe the Sarcoid is changing things

 

[merryweather20]

It could also just be a man thing. My dh is always asking me if I want coffee, I hate coffee and have never liked it. One time he sat down with a cup and smirked at me and said ' you're jealous of my coffee..sorry..have some' ugh no I'm not jealous lol. I think it's just a guy thing, they try to be thoughtful but don't really think.

That was what I was thinking as well. My Dad is the same way.

The only thing that helped, was going to a granola homeopathic doctor. When she asked what foods I didn't like, I started listing them off, and they matched nearly exactly her list of what would cause flare-ups with my condition. More than likely I decided I didn't like them when I was little, because they made me feel sick. I had it out with my Dad, and he has gotten marginally better.

I can tell you the immediate likes and dislikes of all of my family, and their allergies, My Mom and my Grandma can do the same. My Dad and my brother are completely without.

 

[daisax]

If it's not a medical thing, think of something he despises, and every time he offers you something you loathe, ask him if you can get him a helping of _____. Every single time.