Does anyone else deal with this?

[Once.Upon.A.Time]

Hi all,

I have a very close friend who is like family to me. She’s always reaching out for advice phone calls and texts and when we hang out. The issue is, she never actually takes advice from anyone (not that she has too) and I’m wondering what the best solution here is now. She’s going through a break up and keeps asking me if she’s making the right choice. How do you deal with people that constantly want advice, but never take it? I am just throwing my hands up and telling her I understand from now on. Open to hearing similar experiences lol.

Thanks so much!

 

[HopperFan]

"Only you can make that decision, it's not for me to say." and don't give in. Hopefully she just stops asking you and moves on to someone else for "advice".

Now I will say I experienced this with a family member (niece) I always felt close to and was there for her during some harder times, she had a few. When she had a child that was born disabled she started constant and all kinds of questions because I too have a child born disabled (same age as her so she grew up with him). WELL it was obvious she was not taking any of the advice, sometimes doing the opposite and not only did I feel like you but at times there was implied "disrespect" for my child and how we raised him and her acting like she is better than us. I decided I wasn't going to be made to feel that way or waste my time so .... I did start to either ignore her messages or say a short and sweet "I don't know." I wasn't going to play her game anymore, whatever it was. SO ... she doesn't talk to me anymore, even if at the same event she won't even look at me, and I've never met her last child. I guess when I thought we were close all those years, she was just using me. I stopped playing so she moved on. If the relationship wasn't real then there is nothing for me to miss.

Hopefully your friend will take the hint, and you can have a healthier relationship.

 

[greeneyedchick]

I'm one of those people who asks for advice but then doesn't follow it. It drives my husband nuts. He's asked me why I do that if I'm not going to follow it. I do want to hear people's opinions and I do consider what they say. But I don't think that asking for advice comitts me to follow it. It doesn't mean that I don't value his views. I wouldn't take it personally if your friend doesn't follow your advice.

Your friend sounds like she's asking for reassurance. If she's not following your advice, then it sounds like she didn't agree with your recommendations. Each time she re-asks you, she may be hoping that you change your mind and now support the decision she made. When she asks again, remind her that you already gave her advice about the situation, and that you support her no matter what decision she makes.

 

[Once.Upon.A.Time]

"Only you can make that decision, it's not for me to say." and don't give in. Hopefully she just stops asking you and moves on to someone else for "advice".

Now I will say I experienced this with a family member (niece) I always felt close to and was there for her during some harder times, she had a few. When she had a child that was born disabled she started constant and all kinds of questions because I too have a child born disabled (same age as her so she grew up with him). WELL it was obvious she was not taking any of the advice, sometimes doing the opposite and not only did I feel like you but at times there was implied "disrespect" for my child and how we raised him and her acting like she is better than us. I decided I wasn't going to be made to feel that way or waste my time so .... I did start to either ignore her messages or say a short and sweet "I don't know." I wasn't going to play her game anymore, whatever it was. SO ... she doesn't talk to me anymore, even if at the same event she won't even look at me, and I've never met her last child. I guess when I thought we were close all those years, she was just using me. I stopped playing so she moved on. If the relationship wasn't real then there is nothing for me to miss.

Hopefully your friend will take the hint, and you can have a healthier relationship.

Thank you. I’m going to try this. I feel like you when you say the person does the exact opposite of what you suggest lol.

 

[Once.Upon.A.Time]

I'm one of those people who asks for advice but then doesn't follow it. It drives my husband nuts. He's asked me why I do that if I'm not going to follow it. I do want to hear people's opinions and I do consider what they say. But I don't think that asking for advice comitts me to follow it. It doesn't mean that I don't value his views. I wouldn't take it personally if your friend doesn't follow your advice.

Your friend sounds like she's asking for reassurance. If she's not following your advice, then it sounds like she didn't agree with your recommendations. Each time she re-asks you, she may be hoping that you change your mind and now support the decision she made. When she asks again, remind her that you already gave her advice about the situation, and that you support her no matter what decision she makes.

I guess that’s part of the issue that’s it’s making me nuts lol. Thank you. I did start just telling her I support her decisions and that I understand lol.

 

[Imzadi]

She may actually be more venting and/or just needing to talk it through aloud with someone. Venting, getting things off one's cheat is different than asking for advice. Yet people may not know that. So they ask for advice when they don't really want it. Or, she may be needing better questions to work this through on her own.

I agree with the other poster. Turn around the questions and constantly ask her, "What do YOU feel about this? . . . What does YOUR HEART tell you to do? . . . What do you think is the best move ahead? Only you can make that decision, it's not for me to say." And keep reassuring, "I trust you know what's best for you to do."

When she hears someone tell her what to do, that's could be when it maybe clarifies for her, "NO! I want to do this instead." But, she doesn't know that until she hears someone say different than she'd like to do. She may be using you as a sounding board to figure that out. Since this frustrates YOU, she needs to figure out another way to get there.

DON'T offer any suggestions as that only frustrates YOU. OR offer a few suggestions in different directions, as she may need help getting to clarity. IF that is even something YOU want to do. "Well, you can break up with him. Or you can stay with him with the situation staying this way. Or you can figure out what makes you so unhappy in this situation and decide to change things in order to stay." and keep reiterating, "Only you can make those decisions, it's not for me to say."

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I almost wonder if it is a case where she needs to vent.

 

[easyas123]

Yes, and it can become exhausting to the point of not engaging with that person.

 

[_19disnA]

I agree, sounds more like the person is venting and doesn't actually want advice. I would either be slower to reply to her texts/messages or don't get drawn into offering advice or taking sides. Likely you aren't the only person she is interacting with and will move on to others if you are slower to respond.

 

[Cogswel_Cogs]

At the track I always ask people what horse they like then i bet the other horses. I got say I do better than they do.

 

[LoveDaisy]

I think they need to vent and are not looking for advice. It also sounds like they are unsure of their decision so I would not say anything negative about the ex. If they get back together that will be awkward and may circle back around that you were unsupportive or never really liked that person and pushed them into something they didn’t want.

I would listen and be understanding. I would say only you know your heart and feelings and that I support whatever decision they choose. Then a big hug and offer to buy ice cream because I learned from my bonus daughters a pedicure and ice cream while I listen goes further than any advice.

 

[BrianL]

I don't necessarily expect someone to follow my solicited advice every time, though if I did it often enough and they never heeded it, then I would probably be frustrated too and stop giving it.

 

[TiggerTrigger]

Happens all of the time and I'm also guilty of it. Mainly it's because the person wants to vent but they also want to hear perspective from others that they trust. In the end, they'll do what they want to do...which is often why people stay stuck in the same routines and repeat the same issues...but hearing from others can sometimes help them sort some things out in their heads- even if it means not taking the advice.

 

[HopperFan]

Thank you. I’m going to try this. I feel like you when you say the person does the exact opposite of what you suggest lol.

I am totally fine if someone comes to me about a specific in the moment situation where they might be collecting opinions to find the one that they will work. Say as example (my own) Every time my MIL sends us a card the front says ~ To My Son and his Wife ~ I get upset. I feel like an add on and unimportant. Why can't she send a card that says ~ To The Both of You ~ or just a holiday card without any reference. Would that upset you? Should I say something to DH? ............ a one time discussion needing guidance. Obvious odds are I would not take your advice because another option may feel better. (PS MIL stopped on her own and I absolutely adored her, even being the person who spent the most time with her at her end.)

What I'm not okay with is those who constantly vent, complain, ask for advice etc only to always ignore suggestions OR repeatedly venting and complaining about the same thing over and over. Say as example (my own) Niece constantly asking me to find her resources to help with her child's disability. Week after week of messages asking for help in sourcing these services. Me doing the groundwork for her. Week after week of her not even contacting them because she doesn't think they will be good enough (how would she know), she doesn't think her son is "that disabled", she's waiting to hear from XXX, her parents said XXX. SO WHY do you keep wasting my time asking me for resources you have no intention of using?

Repeated venting and complaining to people (even if under the guise of asking for advise) is not cool. It wastes someone else's time and energy and can often bring them down. I literally have just two people I would "vent" to about personal stuff and they vent back to me. We even say up front "just venting" and at the end of the message "thanks so much for listening". Sometimes there is advise, sometimes just a hug and sometimes just an ear, no words needed. But if for one minute I found myself repeating this too often, I would stop because I don't want to dump on them. Sounds like your friend is dumping on you, which is not healthy. When their whole life needs advise and becomes excessive they should consider therapy ~ and I would just continue to put it back on them to solve while building space between us. When their behavior impacts our mental health, it's time to step away from their problems, for your own self.

 

[Once.Upon.A.Time]

Thank you all for your responses. I’m glad I’m not alone here. As a person who goes to therapy, I have suggested that to her as well.