Does anyone agree that surprises are a way to control people? (updade in OP)

[yoopermom]

Well, when I was a little girl, you could have given me a photo of a pony that lived in another country, told me it was "mine" and I'd have totally lost my mind and immediately started writing pen pal letters to the beast. But, I was really into horses. .

OMG, you should have told my parents and now DH this, it would have saved them a TON of $$$ on horses and horse stuff over the years. Just give yoopermom a photo of an Icelandic horse and tell her it's hers!

(True story: I'm desperate for a new job, and my DF is desperate not to have me move far away, so every time I interview out of state, he ups the offer. Last week he said, "If I buy you four driving ponies, so you can have a four pony hitch, would you stay here?")

Terri

 

[Hikergirl]

I've been on the other side. I've seen people who don't like surprises because they like to be in control. They want everything their way or no way so don't you dare surprise them because you won't "do it the right way."

I totally admit that is me. I'm not into controlling others, but I like to be in control of myself KWIM.

 

[mom2rtk]

If my DH did that that would actually BE the surprise. He's a wonderful man and I love him to the moon and back but he's just not into gift giving as a general rule. He might (not guaranteed) come home on my birthday and say "it's your birthday, let's go out for dinner", but I won't be expecting a gift. A couple of times in the past 21 years he has sent me flowers on our anniversary. It's ok. He knows if there is something I really want I will just go buy it. He's not selfish or cheap, or anything like that. Presents just aren't a big thing to him, and I guess I don't mind either because it doesn't upset me.

I'm sure that works great if he doesn't get disappointed if you do the same.

 

[Disneylover99]

I would love for someone to surprise me with a trip, evening out, furniture, etc.

Me too! New furniture? New appliances? Sign me up! I don't care what they look like. I'm practical that way. It would be one less thing to research and think about.

 

[Vijoge]

I'm sure that works great if he doesn't get disappointed if you do the same.

No, he doesn't care if he ever gets a gift. He doesn't hate if I buy him something, but he isn't upset if I don't.

 

[lovin'fl]

If my DH did that that would actually BE the surprise. He's a wonderful man and I love him to the moon and back but he's just not into gift giving as a general rule. He might (not guaranteed) come home on my birthday and say "it's your birthday, let's go out for dinner", but I won't be expecting a gift. A couple of times in the past 21 years he has sent me flowers on our anniversary. It's ok. He knows if there is something I really want I will just go buy it. He's not selfish or cheap, or anything like that. Presents just aren't a big thing to him, and I guess I don't mind either because it doesn't upset me.

Yeah, this is pretty much my DH too as of late. And honestly I prefer going out to eat than him shopping for some last minute grab... got some interesting things that way (most interesting was a metal pyramid style plain old cheese grater

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I totally admit that is me. I'm not into controlling others, but I like to be in control of myself KWIM.

I get it and I used to be like that but over time I've let go of it. There are instances where you just need to man down and let someone surprise you. IMO things like a bridal shower, bachelorette party, baby shower, etc. I was in a wedding a few months ago and the bride wanted to control everything regarding her bridal shower and bachelorette when, for us (in my culture/circle), those things are surprises. I'm all for throwing you a party (bridal shower and bachelorette party) but I'm not going to be told how to throw your party that I'm paying for. lol Yes give us suggestions but if you want it your way from beginning to end just throw it yourself. Which I think she would have preferred throwing it herself but it's "not how it goes" so she didn't want to go that route.

I can see not wanting to be surprised with a car that will end up being a long term monthly bill. I think that would bug me a bit.

 

[Hikergirl]

I get it and I used to be like that but over time I've let go of it. There are instances where you just need to man down and let someone surprise you. IMO things like a bridal shower, bachelorette party, baby shower, etc. I was in a wedding a few months ago and the bride wanted to control everything regarding her bridal shower and bachelorette when, for us (in my culture/circle), those things are surprises. I'm all for throwing you a party (bridal shower and bachelorette party) but I'm not going to be told how to throw your party that I'm paying for. lol Yes give us suggestions but if you want it your way from beginning to end just throw it yourself. Which I think she would have preferred throwing it herself but it's "not how it goes" so she didn't want to go that route.

I can see not wanting to be surprised with a car that will end up being a long term monthly bill. I think that would bug me a bit.

Oh I have, i just don't like it LOL

 

[JustCallMeMommy]

I would really like surprises. I rarely get surprised, even with little gifts.

I'm guessing that HE enjoys getting surprises, so he enjoys giving surprises. She should talk to him and let him know how much she enjoys the planning.

 

[sk!mom]

I'm not big on surprises. And I think that they often fall flat. Usually because the surprisee just wasn't prepared.

We surprised DD20 with a trip to WDW at 8. I thought that she would be over the moon but like so many of the reveals on YouTube, she burst into tears. She was happy after time to think and be reassured that her teacher knew and was ok with it etc... I never would have surprised her with a first trip but this was a spur of the moment tag along on a business trip.

That experience caused me to stop and realize that many people- me included don't like to be surprised.

If my DH kept doing it, we would talk.

 

[Marchand63]

I am the surprise in my family, and I love doing it. Don't think it is controlling my DH. Unless letting him get to lie on a Caribbean beach at least once a year since that is his dream vacation for life.

Sometimes I get a coconspirator, like my DIL. Who with me planned a NH vacation with the whole family only surprise them with a week in WDW. I'll have to check to see if the DGDs & the boys & spouses felt controlled.

 

[Hrhpd]

I am also surprised at all these "controlled" gift recipients. Have they never heard of a receipt? If I had told my husband not to surprise me and he continued to do it, the piece of jewelry, the couch or what ever "big, expensive" gift he gave me would be going right back to the store. Or, if there were no returns, the big, expensive present would be going to Good Will. If you (global you) get a vacation that you know you will be absolutely miserable on, then just don't go. You can only be controlled if you allow it.

I would accept the first and maybe the second present graciously, but have a long talk with the giver that these kinds of gifts really stress me out. If it continued, I would just start refusing the gifts.

But then, I like to try new things, so I might just like that oversized purple sofa with hot pink grandma flowers on it. Or a trip to a place I didn't plan. You never know, it might become my favorite place. Maybe that is why I can't understand the OP's angst over other people's presents.

 

[mombrontrent]

If my DH did that that would actually BE the surprise. He's a wonderful man and I love him to the moon and back but he's just not into gift giving as a general rule. He might (not guaranteed) come home on my birthday and say "it's your birthday, let's go out for dinner", but I won't be expecting a gift. A couple of times in the past 21 years he has sent me flowers on our anniversary. It's ok. He knows if there is something I really want I will just go buy it. He's not selfish or cheap, or anything like that. Presents just aren't a big thing to him, and I guess I don't mind either because it doesn't upset me.

My DH sounds exactly like yours. And I'm pretty much the same so it takes the pressure off both of us.

 

[moon]

OK, I will explain something in this update. I'm not jealous, because the other person I mentioned in the OP is me. I didn't want to talk about myself, so I mentioned what happened to my sister.

The gift giver in my case is not my SO, and the surprises aren't Vacations. They are big and medium ticket items. This person IS controlling, and I feel that the "surprises" are another way to control.

I've talked to her about it many, many times (this has gone on for YEARS). A lot of times I get a hint of what she'll do and I tell her to please not buy the item because I don't need it/have any use for it/live in a small apartment and I just don't have the room. But she will do what she wants and, SURPRISE! "see. you really needed it/have use for it/room for it! (no). Then I just have to grin and bear it as not to hurt her feelings. I've talked to her about it over and over again, to no avail.

For example. I have back problems. I've bought pillows here and there which help me to be comfortable in my bed. They don't match or look pretty, but it works for me. So she tells me "I want your bed to look like a magazine" Me: why would you? You know about my back problems, and the bed is just perfect for me. She: But it looks so ugly! Me: So what? Please, if you are thinking about changing my pillows or anything on my bed, please, please don't.

She gets upset, and later on she tells me "Oh, I've found the most beautiful Bed in a Bag!
It's gorgeous, and I KNOW you would just love it!

So I tell her that I already explained why I don't want it, that during the day I lay down sometimes to stretch my back for a few minutes. The last thing I need is not to bee able to stretch my back or take a nap in order to keep the bed "looking like a magazine". Again I ask he to please not buy it for me.

This conversation happened just before I posted. and I guess that's why I went off and talked how surprises make me nuts.

I want to add that I love this person dearly, and she has many wonderful qualities...but the controlling is driving me NUTS.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

OK, I will explain something in this update. I'm not jealous, because the other person I mentioned in the OP is me. I didn't want to talk about myself, so I mentioned what happened to my sister.

The gift giver in my case is not my SO, and the surprises aren't Vacations. They are big and medium ticket items. This person IS controlling, and I feel that the "surprises" are another way to control.

I've talked to her about it many, many times (this has gone on for YEARS). A lot of times I get a hint of what she'll do and I tell her to please not buy the item because I don't need it/have any use for it/live in a small apartment and I just don't have the room. But she will do what she wants and, SURPRISE! "see. you really needed it/have use for it/room for it! (no). Then I just have to grin and bear it as not to hurt her feelings. I've talked to her about it over and over again, to no avail.

For example. I have back problems. I've bought pillows here and there which help me to be comfortable in my bed. They don't match or look pretty, but it works for me. So she tells me "I want your bed to look like a magazine" Me: why would you? You know about my back problems, and the bed is just perfect for me. She: But it looks so ugly! Me: So what? Please, if you are thinking about changing my pillows or anything on my bed, please, please don't.

She gets upset, and later on she tells me "Oh, I've found the most beautiful Bed in a Bag!
It's gorgeous, and I KNOW you would just love it!

So I tell her that I already explained why I don't want it, that during the day I lay down sometimes to stretch my back for a few minutes. The last thing I need is not to bee able to stretch my back or take a nap in order to keep the bed "looking like a magazine". Again I ask he to please not buy it for me.

This conversation happened just before I posted. and I guess that's why I went off and talked how surprises make me nuts.

I want to add that I love this person dearly, and she has many wonderful qualities...but the controlling is driving me NUTS.

Tell your mom that the next time she buys something you have told her not to buy, you're going to throw it out. Then do it.

 

[Magpie]

OK, I will explain something in this update. I'm not jealous, because the other person I mentioned in the OP is me. I didn't want to talk about myself, so I mentioned what happened to my sister.

The gift giver in my case is not my SO, and the surprises aren't Vacations. They are big and medium ticket items. This person IS controlling, and I feel that the "surprises" are another way to control.

I've talked to her about it many, many times (this has gone on for YEARS). A lot of times I get a hint of what she'll do and I tell her to please not buy the item because I don't need it/have any use for it/live in a small apartment and I just don't have the room. But she will do what she wants and, SURPRISE! "see. you really needed it/have use for it/room for it! (no). Then I just have to grin and bear it as not to hurt her feelings. I've talked to her about it over and over again, to no avail.

For example. I have back problems. I've bought pillows here and there which help me to be comfortable in my bed. They don't match or look pretty, but it works for me. So she tells me "I want your bed to look like a magazine" Me: why would you? You know about my back problems, and the bed is just perfect for me. She: But it looks so ugly! Me: So what? Please, if you are thinking about changing my pillows or anything on my bed, please, please don't.

She gets upset, and later on she tells me "Oh, I've found the most beautiful Bed in a Bag!
It's gorgeous, and I KNOW you would just love it!

So I tell her that I already explained why I don't want it, that during the day I lay down sometimes to stretch my back for a few minutes. The last thing I need is not to bee able to stretch my back or take a nap in order to keep the bed "looking like a magazine". Again I ask he to please not buy it for me.

This conversation happened just before I posted. and I guess that's why I went off and talked how surprises make me nuts.

I want to add that I love this person dearly, and she has many wonderful qualities...but the controlling is driving me NUTS.

So, wait...

Your sister is buying you too many things? Edit: Or is it your mom?

Do you live with her?

Regardless, you can't control what other people do, just your own reactions to it.

So, with regards to your example:

You asked her not to mess with your bed. When she purchases the Bed in the Bag, tell her you appreciate the thought, but you don't want it. Then, if she refuses to take it back, donate it to charity and continue using your preferred bedding. (I'm assuming this isn't a situation where you are immobile, and she's your primary caregiver, right?) If she tries to invade your home and change the bedding while you're out, change your locks and tell her she won't be coming over again until she learns to respect boundaries.

If you live with this person, it's high time you moved out and got your own place. Barring that, install a lock on your bedroom door.

Breathe deep. Relax. Realize that in most circumstances you can only be controlled if you allow yourself to be controlled (barring physical disability or threat of violence, that is).

And remember, her "love language" is probably gift giving. Either that, or she's convinced herself that everything you do somehow reflects on her, and when you do something different it makes her anxious and insecure. Either way, your sister's problem (or your mom's) is her problem alone, and you do not need to allow it to become your problem.

 

[Jennasis]

She doesn't care about your feelings so stop caring about offending her. Next time she brings you something hold up your hand and say "NO." Repeat until she takes the item away. If she gets butt hurt, too bad. If you can't stand up for yourself, then simply resign yourself to life as it is and move on.

 

[Hrhpd]

OK, I will explain something in this update. I'm not jealous, because the other person I mentioned in the OP is me. I didn't want to talk about myself, so I mentioned what happened to my sister.

The gift giver in my case is not my SO, and the surprises aren't Vacations. They are big and medium ticket items. This person IS controlling, and I feel that the "surprises" are another way to control.

I've talked to her about it many, many times (this has gone on for YEARS). A lot of times I get a hint of what she'll do and I tell her to please not buy the item because I don't need it/have any use for it/live in a small apartment and I just don't have the room. But she will do what she wants and, SURPRISE! "see. you really needed it/have use for it/room for it! (no). Then I just have to grin and bear it as not to hurt her feelings. I've talked to her about it over and over again, to no avail.

For example. I have back problems. I've bought pillows here and there which help me to be comfortable in my bed. They don't match or look pretty, but it works for me. So she tells me "I want your bed to look like a magazine" Me: why would you? You know about my back problems, and the bed is just perfect for me. She: But it looks so ugly! Me: So what? Please, if you are thinking about changing my pillows or anything on my bed, please, please don't.

She gets upset, and later on she tells me "Oh, I've found the most beautiful Bed in a Bag!
It's gorgeous, and I KNOW you would just love it!

So I tell her that I already explained why I don't want it, that during the day I lay down sometimes to stretch my back for a few minutes. The last thing I need is not to bee able to stretch my back or take a nap in order to keep the bed "looking like a magazine". Again I ask he to please not buy it for me.

This conversation happened just before I posted. and I guess that's why I went off and talked how surprises make me nuts.

I want to add that I love this person dearly, and she has many wonderful qualities...but the controlling is driving me NUTS.

http://www.thearc.org/

You don't even need to leave your house, they will come to you to pick up donations. They would love a brand new Bed in a Bag.

Take the tax write off as your gift. Or give the tax write off receipt (you can print it off from their website) to your mother.

 

[moon]

She doesn't buy me too many things. It's just birthday's and Christmases, it's just that it has been going on for a long time. We don't live together. You have given me great advice here. Thank you, guys

 

[MataHari22]

The problem is not about surprises, it's a boundary issue. I agree with the previous posts. She does it again, donate it.