Do you visit the cemetery?

[Deb in IA]

In my parents' culture, it is very important to visit and take care of the graves of your family and ancestors. A way of showing respect and honoring their memory.

When my aunt died, my uncle went to her grave every day. He sat by the stone, sometimes reading the paper, sometimes just sitting. He did this just to be "with" her, at least in spirit. This continued, rain or shine, for over a year, until he got sick himself, and soon was laid to rest next to her.

 

[tvguy]

Interesting thread for me given today is the 47th anniversary of my father's death. He is buried 120 miles from where I live, so it is a bit of a trip.
I have been to his grave site 5 times. For the graveside services 47 years ago, once with my wife about 9 years ago, once with my mother about 9 years ago, which was her first visit since the graveyard services, and twice last year after my mom passed away. She is buried there too.

My dad died when I was 9, and my mom always said he was heaven, and what was in his grave was an empty shell. I don't need to visit his grave, or my mothers, to think of them. All of my visits in the past few years are because DD has a strong interest in researching our family history.

I have been to my father's parents graves, which are a mile from his, 3 times, all last year. They were in unmarked graves and my DW and DD insisted we put a headstone on their graves. They both passed away when my dad was 11, and that was 93 years ago.

My mother's parents graves are 2,000 miles from here. As I recall I have been there 5 times in the last 48 years.

My MIL is buried 5 miles from where we live, DW and I visit on Mother's Day, her birthday, and a few other holidays during the year. She passed away 15 years ago.
My FIL is buried 2,000 miles from here. He passed away 10 years ago, and we have been to his grave 3 times, including the funeral.

 

[SAMCRO]

Nope! Nothing but rotting flesh there.

 

[deedeetoo]

I never visit my father's grave. He's not there and I really see no point.

My husband's family on the other hand are very big into visiting graves. They have a family plot where both his parents and one of his brothers are buried. It is only a few stones down from his grandparents, and very near more family members. My dh will go down and plant flowers every year and he visits several times per year. Other family members do this too. We have even unexpectedly run into people when we've stopped by. Its like a family reunion. I don't get it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yep. I enjoy going. I will be buried. In fact we are looking into a family plot.

 

[Wendy31]

I do not visit my grandparents' graves, & DH doesn't visit his grandparents' graves either. They are not there.

And there are other ways in which I remember my grandparents... like when I see Forsythia bushes blooming in the spring, I think of my Paw-Paw & smile because he always had Forsythia bushes in his back yard.

I'm assuming that our parents & aunts & uncles visit the graves occasionally to replenish the flowers.

When our parents pass away, we'll do the same, of course - visit to take care of the graves, replenish the flowers, make sure the graves look nice & neat, etc.

But we won't be visiting the graves to "visit" our parents - they won't be there, & we'll see them again.

However, I don't mind cemeteries. I enjoy walking in old cemeteries & looking at the old gravestones. The Veterans Memorial Cemetery in our city is beautiful.

And I do remember, as a very little girl, traveling to northern Alabama where my mother's family is from for "Decoration Sunday." I remember standing around in the cemetery w/ all the grave stones w/ pretty new flowers. And all the relatives would just stand around and chat for a while, & then we'd go to my great grandmother's house for lunch.

 

[CaliBear]

When I was near the mausoleum, I visited my mother's niche on holidays to deliver flowers and spend some time with her in spirit. I'm almost 9,000 miles away at the moment, but when I get back to L.A., visiting her niche is one of the first things I will do.

 

[BigAlsGal]

No. I talk to my relatives all the time. You don't need a graveyard to do that.

 

[minkydog]

Never. Closest deceased relatives are all four grandparents. I just hold the belief that they aren't there. They are in my heart and memories and I can be close with them any time I want.

I feel the same way. My grandparents are buried about 700 miles from me, in towns that I haven't had a reason to visit in many years. My step-father is buried where my mother lives. I know that she's hurt that I don't make a point to go to the cemetery, but I just don't want to. I believe that my grandparents and my step-father are not there. Oh, sure, their formaldehyde-laced bodies are buried in fancy steel caskets that are guaranteed to be water-proof and bug-proof for 50 years or more. But their souls, their essence is no longer there. The cemetery is merely a lovely, peaceful place to wander about.

I know my mother worries that when she dies none of us will visit her grave and sadly, she's probably right. I have 4 siblings and only one lives within 30 minutes of my mom. My brother lives almost 900 miiles away, a sister lives 2500 miles away and I live 350 miles away. Sorry, but none of us are driving/flying all the way back to her city just for the privilege of driving by the cemetery to drop off flowers that they no longer need nor can appreciate.

 

[mrsstats]

Yes, I go to my parents several times a year. It is peaceful and it is important to me that I go. My Dad said we would forget him and not visit. But either way, if you go or not, you are not wrong.

 

[PeterPanic]

No. I talk to my relatives all the time. You don't need a graveyard to do that.

Nothing wrong with that as long as they aren't responding back. I have requested cremation so I haven't had any desire to find a lot. I just told them do what you want with the ashes. Lock them away in a closet or build a large shrine complete with crowd queue's if necessary or dig a hole in the backyard and put them there. I doubt I will care at that point.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Nothing wrong with that as long as they aren't responding back. I have requested cremation so I haven't had any desire to find a lot. I just told them do what you want with the ashes. Lock them away in a closet or build a large shrine complete with crowd queue's if necessary or dig a hole in the backyard and put them there. I doubt I will care at that point.

I want my ashes dumped into the mud pit just prior to the start of the Outlaw Pro Stock class

 

[MSSANDRA]

My parents are both buried in our church grave yard and I am there at the church most week. I don't consider it a "visit" but I do make sure that the site has nice flowers on it at all times and is well cared for. Our church is like many county churches in the South and the grave yard is very much a part of the church and the children play in the field next to it and people take walks though it all the time. Most family members and many friends are buried there.

 

[Amelia Peabody]

I never did until we lost my mother. Before that my parents, aunts and uncles always made sure there were flowers for Christmas and Easter for our grandparents. I believe I was asked if I wanted to go along, I said no and that answer was fine.

Now that Mom is gone, I do go quite often. For myself, I like to make sure things look nice. She didn't get grass seed soon enough to suit me, so I did it myself. Then I made silk flowers for when the weather turned. I talk to her when I am there, just little aside comments like "miss you", "where's your grass?!?!", "you'll like these when they bloom". But she is in my heart not in a grave. And we will all be together later, body (new) and soul. Now that being said, I talk to her anywhere if I have a comment for her.

The other reason I go is to take my 89 year old father there. He doesn't speak to her out loud that I have heard. And his parents are directly next to Mom. He think he just has a need to be there - even for just a few moments. I always ask, "would you like to stop by today?" since he doesn't drive. And he always says "if you don't mind". So we go. Had NO intention of going on Mothers Day, much too hard for me, but he ambushed me with bulbs to plant. We went and it was okay, kind of. He didn't see me cry and that was the important part. We like to make as easy as possible for him.

Does it seem to be a relationship thing? People don't visit until their parents are there? Even though it is just a memorial place with their old physical body?

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I have posted this before but my yard backs up to the cemetery. We walk there. Many bike, roller-blade, learn to drive etc. When we take walks there we will visit a grave or two of family members. Some are buried in adjacent cemeteries so they are farther away and require a long walk or short drive.

I also noted a new (at least to me) trend of burial parties. I still have a hard time with this as they are there for each holiday now.

We also have a lot of very old graveyards near us and we enjoy walking and reading the headstones.

The hardest part is hearing Taps and the digging. Other than that, we don't even think of the cemetery as creepy etc.

 

[NMAmy]

I go a couple times a year to replace flowers on the graves of my great-grandparents and my grandparents and make sure everything is tidy. I remember doing this with my grandparents as a little girl and then helping my mom with it as an adult. My grandfather was a veteran and one of the founders of the VFW in his little town and they fly his flag each holiday so my dd likes to wander around to find it.

My parents were both cremated and their ashes scattered. My mom and her cousin used to do the flowers each year and after my mom died, her cousin has been very worried that it wouldn't be done. So, I pick her up and we do the flowers and I take her out to lunch. I think she's afraid that no one will do it after she's gone so it reassures her that I know where each family member is buried and will continue on with the tradition.

 

[luvsJack]

When I was little, I remember going with Mom and my aunts to my grandmother's and great-grandparents' graves and pulling weeds, removing old flowers and putting new ones. My aunt still does that or has her daughter do it (mom and her sisters are getting too old to trek across the uneven ground in that cemetery).

My dad and brother, his wife and sons are all buried close by. We don't have to take care of the graves because a custodian at each cemetery does it. My sister places flowers each season, she makes the silk arrangements and just switches them out.

The few times I have gone to either cemetery, I just felt like I was standing on an empty piece of ground. I had no feeling of any of them being there, so I don't tend to go. Now, I can be driving or sitting and drinking my coffee and thinking about something me and my brother did or a conversation with my sister in law or some advice from my Dad and I can feel them in the car with me, so that's how I talk to any of them.

OTOH, for years my older brother went to our brother's grave daily. He did feel his presence there and talked to him there.

Dh doesn't visit his brother's grave either. He is in a family cemetery on his parent's land. He says he doesn't need to, he can talk to him anytime he wants to.

 

[DawnM]

No.

My grandparents are buried over 2,000 miles away. My parents were given plots in the mid-west where I know absolutely no one and will never visit......they still plan to be buried there, their choice, I have tried to discourage it, but they won't budge........told them it will be as much to ship their bodies there than to just buy plots near them.

However, I always thought that if I lost an immediate family member and buried him here, I would have a hard time moving away, particularly a child. (not trying to be too morbid but a friend just lost her 5 year old son so it is heavily on my mind at the moment.)

Dawn

 

[java]

I used to live about 2 miles from where my Grandfather and my only Uncle were buried. I used to stop over as I drove by almost once a month. Then my Aunt told my Mom she thought I was depressed because I was going so often. So I stopped telling them when I went. I wasn't depressed, I just missed my Grandfather and for some reason it mad me feel better to visit so I did.

Then we moved out of state and I have not been back since.

 

[Tuffcookie]

I do because it was something my parents did. Mom used to say, "Well, I guess when I'm gone nobody will visit the graves"! Nothing like mother guilt! So,now she's gone, and I go. Love & miss you mom!

TC