Do you think it is wrong . . .

[LuluLovesDisney]

if a woman lies to her child about who his father is?

I know of a few cases of this and I don't know if circumstances matter, but here goes:

A woman had a child at age 18, married a different man at age 19 and the girl (who is now 19 herself) thinks her mom's husband is her father.

A woman had a child at age 21, married a different man when the child was 2, whom he called daddy. At age 3 1/2 - 4, this man left. When he was 5, this woman had a boyfriend who eventually moved in, whom he also called daddy (not to his face, but to his friends, mom, me, etc. ) When he was 8, they broke up. Now, this woman has a new boyfriend (6 months or so?) and this child is starting to refer to him as "daddy".

A woman is currently pregnant and doesn't know who the father is, but doesn't want to admit it, so she is planning on concocting a "better sounding" story to tell her future child. (She actually called me for *ideas* this is what started this thread idea in my mind.)

A woman has three children from three different men, but they all call her current boyfriend "daddy".



What do you guys think?

 

[va32h]

I think it is horrible. As it happens, someone I know very well is in one of the situations you describe. His mother never told him the name of his biological father - I don't think she knows or remembers anymore herself. It has been an issue all his life....in terms of practicality (medical history, birth certificate) and emotionally.

It's horribly unfair to the child, and to the father as well. Who knows what kind of father he might have been, given the chance.

 

[DMickey28]

Depends on the circumstance.

My friend just got married, she has a 2 and 3 year old. She has been with this man for about 1.5 years. The girls call him Daddy and he would like to legally adopt them. Their father has not be around in years. They do know that they have a "different" father somewhere but he's not around. I think that's fine.

You mention of the women who's son called each boyfriend Daddy is odd in my opinion.

Women who had one step-father her whole life that she called Daddy is an ok situation. Now that she is older or in the future, it would probably be a good idea to tell her the truth, but to be honest I probably wouldn't until medical need came up.

The women who doesn't know who the father is, I can't blame her for wanting a better story for the baby.

I think it's wrong when someone who has children and dates carelessly allows the kids to recognize that person as a father figure. It's too confusing for the child and is certainly not teaching them good things

 

[tevagirl]

Oh boy.

 

[Daxx]

Here are my thoughts. I'll preface all this w/the fact that our child (age 9) is adopted and knows it. He knows exactly what we know about his birth parents, which isn't a heck of a lot. Knows his b-mother's first name, b-father's first name and the medical history that they provided the attorney with. I found it v. important to be upfront w/him. I let him know that his b-mother loved him v. much and wanted him to have a better life, one that she couldn't provide for him. He knows the story behind his birth and adoption and knows he can (as he has) approach us w/any questions he has.

A woman had a child at age 18, married a different man at age 19 and the girl (who is now 19 herself) thinks her mom's husband is her father.

If this girl finds out that this guy is not her dad after she's been led to believe he is, then there's gonna be a lot of hurt feelings there! It's great that she considers this man as her father and, for all intents and purposes, he's the only father she's known. Just b/c he's not her bio-dad should not make a difference. But, I think the idea of hiding it is not the best choice. This gal should know her past for medical purposes. There's no reason for her to NOT consider the other dad as her primary dad b/c he's been the one who's always been there for her. Sounds like bio-dad was a sperm donor and this guy is the *real* dad. Know what I mean? Still, she should've known for a long time know that her bio-dad isn't the same guy.

A woman had a child at age 21, married a different man when the child was 2, whom he called daddy. At age 3 1/2 - 4, this man left. When he was 5, this woman had a boyfriend who eventually moved in, whom he also called daddy (not to his face, but to his friends, mom, me, etc. ) When he was 8, they broke up. Now, this woman has a new boyfriend (6 months or so?) and this child is starting to refer to him as "daddy".

I would guess that, by age 9, the child realizes he's had several "daddies" and this new guy is the latest in a long string of them. If not, Mommy needs to sit down and explain the situation. The truth is always the best thing.

A woman is currently pregnant and doesn't know who the father is, but doesn't want to admit it, so she is planning on concocting a "better sounding" story to tell her future child. (She actually called me for *ideas* this is what started this thread idea in my mind.)

Concocting a story is just wrong. Will this kid ever trust the mother once the truth comes out ... b/c you know that, one day, it's going to! This is the stuff Maury Povitch lives for. If she doesn't know who the guy is, why doesn't she call the guys in question for DNA testing after the birth?! That way, she can tell the child "Your dad is X" and then say that the dad doesn't want to be part of their lives or whatever. Again, isn't the truth the best way to go?!

A woman has three children from three different men, but they all call her current boyfriend "daddy".

Depending on age, I'd guess that they know that this current guy isn't "daddy" but someone else is. If they're all too little, they'll find out one day when they'll need their birth certificate for something and are going to realize the lie.

Honestly, most of these kids will be relying on their birth certificate in the future ... so what the heck do these women think is going to happen when these kids discover the truth!?

 

[disney4us2002]

Are they different women or the same woman?

My answer depends on that answer, lol.

I find it odd that the 19 yr old has never seen her birth certificate, or did the step-father adopt her? If the latter, then he "is" her father, but I still recommend the truth.

A child that calls any man "daddy" has issues, imo. Is the mom encouraging that? He must be a very needy child and it sounds rather sad actually.

I'll take my mom's advice on the lady w/3 kids by 3 men and refrain from comment.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Are they different women or the same woman?

My answer depends on that answer, lol.

I find it odd that the 19 yr old has never seen her birth certificate, or did the step-father adopt her? If the latter, then he "is" her father, but I still recommend the truth.

A child that calls any man "daddy" has issues, imo. Is the mom encouraging that? He must be a very needy child and it sounds rather sad actually.

I'll take my mom's advice on the lady w/3 kids by 3 men and refrain from comment.

Her father definitely adopted her- I think she was less than a year old and I know the bio-father's name was never on anything, just the mom's. I've never seen her birth certificate though, so I don't know. Do state BC's have names or hospital ones? I haven't seen mine in awhile, so I don't know.

 

[Pugdog007]

I have one question. Where the heck do you hang out that you meet all these deceitful people?

I think I'd look for some new friends.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Are they different women or the same woman?

My answer depends on that answer, lol.

They're all different women- two are cousins though- one of which is a friend of mine- the others are acquaintances/ former co worker.

 

[mytwotinks]

I have a friend who is now in her early 30's. When we were in the 8th grade her aunt who was raising her had to tell her that the man she thought was her father who she was actually named after was not her father. He was just a guy her mom knew that died in an accident while she was pregnant so it was convenient to claim him as "daddy". I can't tell you how this has effected her. I don't think she will ever truly forgive her mom for this.

I also have a cousin (also an adult) who's father died suddenly when he was about 18. His parents who were divorced by this time, had never told him he is adopted. He is now an adult who doesn't have a clue. Very sad to me that when he finds out his dad won't be around to assure him that it doesn't matter and that he loved him like he was his own.

I guess to me that it just wouldn't be worth the risk of what it could do to a parent's relationship with their child, either by birth or just by being the guy who loved the child like he was the "real daddy".

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I have one question. Where the heck do you hang out that you meet all these deceitful people?

I think I'd look for some new friends.

I agree!
Only one is a friend- and we've been friends for over twelve years, although in the past 4 years, we haven't hung out as much due to differences of morality. The others are more acquaintances.

 

[Cyndiu]

My mother, who is 59 y/o just found out her Dad wasn't her Father. (If you know what I mean.) It has caused enormous problems for her and consequently my sisters and I; including finding out we should have been tested for some genetic problems before we had children. We all got lucky, but now our children will all need to be tested before they have children.

Lots and lots of hurt feelings when big lies like that blow up... and they always do.

 

[Daxx]

Do state BC's have names or hospital ones? I haven't seen mine in awhile, so I don't know.

I don't have a hospital bc for adopted DS. I suppose his b-mother does?! Or does it get turned over to the attorneys for the adoption? I have no idea!?

Anyway, b/c DS is adopted, he has an "amended" birth cert. It says so right on it. The parts that are amended, of course, are parents names and his name. His b-mother never picked a name for him. I don't know what happened to his first birth cert. Does it get purged or destroyed or sealed!?!?

I do know that, in NYS, they seal adoption records. Maybe the original birth cert. and hosp. cert. get sealed, too!?!?

Anyway, it's not a huge concern to me as DS knows he's adopted.

 

[Stacerita]

Do state BC's have names or hospital ones? I haven't seen mine in awhile, so I don't know.

You can have the father named as "With held, With held" Or "Unknown, Unknown" on the Birth Cert. I dealt with this when the sweetpea was born. I did not want her bio father to be on the birth cert. I knew he wasn't interested anyways. After talking with staff and a lawyer, I was told "With held" would be the proper way to go. Since I was sure of who the father was, putting "Unknown" would have been falsify a legal document.

I think its terrible for someone to lie about who the birth father is. They may not be the best, and they dont have to be involved, but the child shouldn't be lied to. Telling them the truth as soon as they can understand it is the best thing IMO.

Its very odd and not healthy for a woman to let her child call every man who comes into their lives "daddy". She is doing her child a disservice by bringing every man that walks though the door into that kids life. Not good at all.

And concocting a story to make yourself sound better? WTH?? Nothing good will come from a made up story.

And the woman who has 3 kids by 3 dads and the current bf is called daddy....I think that is ok only if the current bf has been there, and is planning to be there and is a stable constant intheir lives.

Hopefully all these kids will be able to get past whatever their moms put them through and be well adjusted., I can only hope.

 

[Daxx]

You can have the father named as "With held, With held" Or "Unknown, Unknown" on the Birth Cert.

Wow -- I did not know that! V. interesting!!!! I wonder if that can be done in every state!?!?

I did have a student who registered for school and on the part that stated "father", on the middle of the line, the mother put "None". B/c I work for a parochial school, we sort of had a chuckle (the secretary and myself), wondering if it was a virgin birth. We also wondered if the father's first or last name was None.

I wonder if you can put none on a b-cert.!? Unfortunately, we didn't have a copy of the child's b-cert. to see if "none" was listed under father or what was written.

 

[LadyBears]

I was adopted as an infant. As far back as I can remember I have known I was adopted. To me, my adoptive parents are my Mom & Dad. I don't love them any less & I know they love me.

Regardless, there is still an empty void about not knowing any identifying information - including most medical! Everyday I wonder if biological parents are still alive - do I have any full/half brothers or sisters, etc. I still ask myself Who am I? (The state I was born in only has closed adoptions, so my real birth certificate is hidden somewhere in a vault in the states hands & I have an amended one stating my adoptive info).
Should the day come where I meet biological parents, I know my REAL parents will be supportive.

HOWEVER If I found out at 9 or 18 or 28, etc that "Mom & Dad" weren't my biological parents - I could & would NEVER forgive them. It wouldn't matter what the excuse is/was. I would be devisted & would never trust them about anything ever again while doubting everything else I was ever taught by them.

 

[Sleepy]

I would always be honest to my child about who his biological father was. I know someone who, at age 12, found out that "mom and dad" were actually grandma and grandpa (saw the truth in the family bible). The worst part was I saw first hand, how this child was allowed to disrespect his biological mother, whom he thought was his sister. I thought both lying to the child about who is whom and allowing a child to openly disrespect ANY family member was just wrong.

I think there is nothing wrong with a child calling a man dad if that person is raising he/she. However, I feel in the case of a child being raised by a person who is blood related, I think it is important to maintain that title of Aunt, Uncle, Grandma, Grandpa, etc.

 

[barkley]

boy howdy did i see lots of these situations when i worked in social services! when they realy blew up was when the mom had a turn of events that caused her to have to apply for assistance and child support enforcement got involved. believe me, no child wants to find out "dad" is'nt dad by virtue of being hauled into a family court for a paternity determination. there's also the added issue that when "daddy" (by name not by blood or adoption) whose still in the picture becomes disabled or dies such that social security benefits become available, or the child reaches the age when they may believe they will qualify as a "child" for "daddy's" vet's benefits (for college)-not the time a child wants to learn the truth of thier paternity.

it's not just the child in question that these deceptions can affect-their siblings (who are the blood children of "new daddy") can be left realing from these revalations. i have a cousin who never got along particularly well with her sister-could'nt understand why the girl treated "dad" like dirt and harbored such resentment. she learned as an adult that her sister was fathered by virtue of her mother's previously undisclosed first marriage but had been raised since toddlerhood by my uncle. it was never discussed, but the sister apparantly remembered and was confused by memories of another dad no-one had mentioned in decades. it caused a huge rift in that family that never healed-and confirmed in the kid's mind that there were major trust/deception issues.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

Lies are lies! The truth almost always finds a way to surface.

My Mom never married and the Father line on my birth cert. says "refused to state". However, my mother was always totally honest about who my father was, why they didn't marry, and I had occassional contact with him until he died in 1990. I was always fine with it because no one hid anything from me. No drama!!

 

[tkd lisa]

I have a friend with a late teen aged son who would somewhat fit this situation.

The boy thinks Mom's previous husband was his biological father. It turns out ex-husband was infertile, so they had a sperm donor, but they haven't told the child (now teenager). The boy strongly favors his mother's family, so there's no obvious questions arising from the fact that he looks like the mailman!

My friend and her current husband are in the process of an international adoption, so the subject has come up again. That's when I found out that her son doesn't know that his "dad" isn't his biological father. She said that her ex-husband is adament that the child not be told. And so far, they are honoring his wishes. But I do think that it will come back to bite them all.