Do you stay home with your kids or work?

[bunny]

To the OP, I know staying at home is work, but maybe you could better convince him to work the OT if you made sure everything was done before he got home. Make his home his palace. Have a great breakfast waiting for him. Make sure the home is clean. Take your baby somewhere so he can sleep peacefully. Maybe his job is so hard that he really doesn't want to work OT especially if he still has stuff to do at home. So make sure he doesn't really have to do anything. Sell your car and buy a beater. Don't take your trip and cut coupons. Figure out a way to pay off the debt and make it so awesome for him at home that he doesn't mind working over. I know it sounds like something from the 50's but coming home to a clean house and a hot meal might make him appreciate you more.

 

[EthansMom]

OP, it really sounds like you need to sit down with your DH and have some serious discussions. You should talk about what would change if/when you work. Discuss the things that you do at home. (I once went so far as to make a detailed list of everything I did in one day for my DH.)

You both need to look at your financial picture together. Have you paid down your debt with "extra" money in the past year as you had planned to do? If not, have you actually accrued more debt? If your DH wants to buy a house, what steps are you taking or can you take to get to a point where that would be a realistic option (you'll need $$$ for a downpayment).

If you worked, how much could you realistically expect to make? How much would child care cost? (And don't let your DH get away with thinking you can find a part-time child care slot for an infant. A part-time infant takes up the same space that a full-time infant would so you won't get a price break from anyplace that's state certified.) How much would taxes take of your pay? (Don't forget we have graduated federal taxes! If I worked, I would pay 42% of my pay between federal, state, medicare, and SSI taxes.)

Personally, I think you could probably look at some ways to bring in income that aren't standard 9-5, 5-day-a-week jobs. Maybe a part-time job or working somewhere where you could take your daughter (help in a childcare facility, for instance) or doing something from home (maybe just summer childcare for a couple of kids)???? If your working is the best decision for your family, then it's the best decision, but that doesn't mean you are locked in to only two choices (SAHM or work full time outside the home).

 

[Colleen27]

And for some, luck has nothing to do with it. Being a SAHM has been about choices they have made as a family, for the most part, about their wants... Do we want two new cars? Yes, then we both need to work. Are we willing to drive older "paid for" vehicles? Then, one parent staying at home may be a viable option. Do we want/need a huge cell phone plan? Do we want/need cable TV?

I realize for many, the choice of stay at home or not doesn't exist, but for most of the ones who do stay home, it isn't about luck. It is about lifestyle decisions.

Yep. Luck is part of it for us, because we're not interested in living far from our families and we just happened to be born into the low cost of living Midwest, but it is also a result of hard work and conscious choice. We didn't want the 2000 sq ft new construction that most of our friends considered the bare minimum when buying a home, or new cars, or the newest electronics, or any other material things enough to give up being home with our kids. We deliberately chose to live on half of our pre-kids income so that I could be at home, and a few years later we chose to live on about 3/4 of DH's former income so that he'd have more flexibility to be here as well. Luck and circumstance played a part in our ability to make those choices, but personal commitment and shared priorities played a much bigger part.

 

[NMAmy]

And for some, luck has nothing to do with it. Being a SAHM has been about choices they have made as a family, for the most part, about their wants... Do we want two new cars? Yes, then we both need to work. Are we willing to drive older "paid for" vehicles? Then, one parent staying at home may be a viable option. Do we want/need a huge cell phone plan? Do we want/need cable TV?

I realize for many, the choice of stay at home or not doesn't exist, but for most of the ones who do stay home, it isn't about luck. It is about lifestyle decisions.

To the OP: Maybe going back to work would show him that he really does want you at home. And he might feel like it is in his best interest to pick up a bit of OT.

I'm all for good planning. I was thinking more of the fact that with this economy, a lot of people are losing their jobs through no fault of their own. I think anyone with a job at this point is lucky. If your husband lost his job and couldn't find another that paid as well, I'm sure you'd go back to work to survive financially without necessarily living a fancy lifestyle. With the OP $19K in debt, that seems like it's time to go back to work to me.

Many two income families also drive cars that are paid for and forgo expensive cell phone and cable plans. I don't waste my money on the newest gadgets or the biggest house. I do enjoy having a sizeable savings account and a retirement plan. (Well, we used to have that.)

When dd was young, I was a single mom so I didn't have an option.

 

[NotUrsula]

I respectfully disagree 100%

Being home with 3 little boys in the dead of Canadian winter when you cannot go outside for a month or more is stressful.

Yes, of course it is, but it is not the same quality of stress experienced by someone working outside the home and answerable to a boss (or even worse, bosses.)

Your kids cannot take away your livelihood if you lose your temper with them and order them to their rooms. You won't starve or lose the house if they don't think you're a decent mom. They cannot fire you tomorrow and replace you with any one of two dozen moms who are just waiting in line peering over your shoulder ready to take your place the minute you mess up.

Get the difference? Now, add in the pressure of being the sole breadwinner in a job where there is a strong possibility of taking a bullet and perhaps ending up disabled, and we are approaching a while different universe in the stress sweepstakes.


For the OP, the real answer is that at last count, among US married-couple households with young children, 62.1% both worked outside the home. Here is the data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics: http://www.bls.gov/news.release/famee.nr0.htm

As of the 2000 census, the percentage of children in NYS with all available parents in the workforce was 58% for those under age 6, and 62% for children aged 6-12. Of course, the economy has changed a LOT since 2000! http://datacenter.kidscount.org/data/acrossstates/Default.aspx
(Click on Economic Well-Being, and then on Employment and Income to reach the data tables.)

The numbers of two-working-parent households have been in decline this year, but not by choice. It is because unemployment is way up, and naturally a fair number of those formerly-employed, now-unemployed folks have children at home.

 

[Pigeon]

I've got two kids, aged 11 and 8 and have always worked out of the home.

To further the info provided by NotUrsula, see this chart at the Bureau of Labor Statistics, which breaks down working outside of the home v. age of children. http://www.bls.gov/opub/working/page16b.htm This is better info than getting a self selected group of disers.

I disagree with those who say working requires one to spend nearly as much as you make. You may not have to spend much on clothes--I don't, and I don't spend much on convenience items or eating out. In addition to just looking at out of pocket costs, you have to look at the long term impact of taking time off on your career and your retirement.

 

[Rora]

When I have children, I hope I will be able to stay home with them until they start kindergarten.

I am an elementary school teacher right now and I am hoping that once my (future) children are in school the hours of my school and their school will time out perfectly and I would be able to pick them up from school, and spend the rest of the day with them.

 

[hentob]

If he does an hour of overtime, that would be like I worked almost a whole day, so he originally said he'd do that instead of me working, but nbow I guess he doesn't want to.

So, he can make in an hour what you would make in a day…and he doesn’t want to do it

IMO he thinks I don't do a thing around the house……

Why does he talk to you like that? Why does he make you feel like that?

#4, If I worked I'd literally never see him and I don't think that's as important.. I'd rather SEE HIM……..

Why would you want to spend time with a man that accuses you of doing nothing, even though you are styaing home with his child He would make me sick to my stomach just to look at him

About the trip—Would you consider not going further into debt?

I fear for your marriage. Really. I do.

 

[ksjayhawks]

To the OP, I know staying at home is work, but maybe you could better convince him to work the OT if you made sure everything was done before he got home. Make his home his palace. Have a great breakfast waiting for him. Make sure the home is clean. Take your baby somewhere so he can sleep peacefully. Maybe his job is so hard that he really doesn't want to work OT especially if he still has stuff to do at home. So make sure he doesn't really have to do anything. Sell your car and buy a beater. Don't take your trip and cut coupons. Figure out a way to pay off the debt and make it so awesome for him at home that he doesn't mind working over. I know it sounds like something from the 50's but coming home to a clean house and a hot meal might make him appreciate you more.

I have to agree with this poster, especially the italicized part. You said in one post that he thinks you don't do anything around the house. Why is that? Is the house a mess when he comes home? Is the laundry not done? What does he think you should do that you aren't? Have you two sat down and discussed this?

I have both worked and been at home with my kids over the years. It depended on where we lived, jobs available, ages of my kids, etc. When I was at home, I did the italicized above as that was my job. When we both work, we share the duties at home.

The big difference for us is that we only lived on one salary from the day we were married--and still do. Money I earn is set aside in a special account. When I didn't work, there obviously was no money going into that account.

We set a budget and really comtemplate big purchases and trips. Our kids did not have everything new when they were born. We drive our cars for long periods of time. We buy good used cars. I am not ashamed to say that I have purchased scratch and dent appliances. I clip coupons for groceries, enterainment, eating out, vacations--and use them. We drink water with our meals when we dine out 99% of the time.

I am currently working--our only debt is our mortgage and that should be paid off in 1 year.

If you are $19,000 in debt, you and dh need to sit down and have a long, hard talk and set up a budget. No more video games and electronics, cut back on cell phone service, you need a car but maybe not the one you have now, cut back on cable tv and home phone options, cut out eating out and yes, this one will be hard, cancel the vacation. It would be hard to me to justify a big trip with that much debt. Plan a smaller scale vacation or a staycation instead. Your dd at her young age is not going to remember it anyway.

Another poster gave you good advice on the Dave Ramsey program. I have several friends who have used it with great success. It was hard for them, but they are now out of debt, have rethought the way they look at purchases, and are much happier with less stress on the home front.

The main thing is that you and dh need to sit and talk, and talk, and talk to resolve this. No fighting, no accusations. Come up with a plan that works for you and then stick to it!

Good luck.

 

[DznyLvr2005]

So, he can make in an hour what you would make in a day…and he doesn’t want to do it




Why does he talk to you like that? Why does he make you feel like that?



Why would you want to spend time with a man that accuses you of doing nothing, even though you are styaing home with his child He would make me sick to my stomach just to look at him

About the trip—Would you consider not going further into debt?

I fear for your marriage. Really. I do.

Well my DH does work hard. Being a cop is no picnic and even though they make good money, they are really underpaid for putting their life on the line!!
About the trip, we managed to get back alot of money in income taxes, most of it went towards the consolidation card and $2,000 went towards the trip. I think of it as we didn't put any money out for it, because it was income tax refund. Though if we did cancel I see what you're saying, put that towards the consolidation card....
I'm used to the way I'm treated, so it's not really anything new. DH is nice when he wants to be, but as soon as he gets into something, it's a war. But honestly I really think it's because of his job, it's a rough job....

 

[RN4Babies]

Well my DH does work hard. Being a cop is no picnic and even though they make good money, they are really underpaid for putting their life on the line!!
About the trip, we managed to get back alot of money in income taxes, most of it went towards the consolidation card and $2,000 went towards the trip. I think of it as we didn't put any money out for it, because it was income tax refund. Though if we did cancel I see what you're saying, put that towards the consolidation card....
I'm used to the way I'm treated, so it's not really anything new. DH is nice when he wants to be, but as soon as he gets into something, it's a war. But honestly I really think it's because of his job, it's a rough job....

I truly think you need marriage counseling. Emotional and verbal abuse is never justifiable; I don't care how stressful your DH's job is or how used to it you are. He's abusing you, and that's a dealbreaker. Two of my brothers in law are police officers, and my sisters are both SAHM's. My brothers in law treat my sisters well, and would never dream of talking to them the way your DH talks to you. They live simply; none of us have cable TV, my sisters and their families have never been to WDW, and we all drive our used cars for many, many years. We all have money in the bank and decent sized 401K accounts, considering we're all in our 40's.

You also need financial counseling, IMO. You keep referring to large bonuses and tax refunds as a means to get you through; yet you have $19,000 in credit cards you're paying off, two car loans, and who knows what else. Do you have an emergency fund started so that you don't have to rely on credit cards for the unexpected in the future? Take the $2000 for the WDW trip and start an emergency fund if you don't. If you're relying on bonuses, tax refunds and "extra" money to see you through, you either need to change your lifestyle or you need to generate extra income. Just my two cents; a financial counselor can look at your income, your bills and obligations and your investments and advise you what needs to be done.

At the hospital where I work, they have an employee assitance program with services that include counseling. I'd strongly encourage you to find out your husband's employer has a similar program, and to call them ASAP to arrange for an appointment. If your husband won't go with you, go alone. Do it for yourself, and do it for your daughter.

I really don't think this is a question of whether or not you can be a SAHM; I think it goes much, much deeper than that.

 

[Minnesota!]

I work full time, DH works full time, and we both go to school full time. Plus we have 2 little boys.

Things get tight, but we manage. There are times buying a video game is a stretch. Mainly because I would rather put that money in savings then spend it on something. We live very frugally so we can vacation

What we ended up doing b/c we both NEED to work to make ends meet, and daycare was getting outrageous, was hire a nanny to come to the house. She is the daughter of my DH's best friend. We pay her a lot more than she was making working in a center, but a lot less than we were paying the center.

Is that an option for you? Have a sitter of sorts come to your house for like 3 hours a day so your DH can get some sleep?

So like if he comes home at 8, you leave at 8, he is with your DD until about 2, then the sitter comes and is with your daughter while DH goes to bed and is there until you come home? Maybe you could even pay her a little extra to do stuff around the house...dishes, vaccum, etc.

Just a thought.

Oh, of all my friends, only 1 is a SAHM. Everyone seems to work around here.

We pay our sitter $660 every 2 weeks - so $1320/month for 2 kids. She is there from 730-530 each day.

Ask around!

 

[DawnM]

I worked for 17 years and then once we moved I have stayed at home (4 years.)

I miss working A LOT! But we have a few reasons I am staying home. All reasons have to do with the kids.

We are the opposite. DH wants me to stay home and I want to work.

I keep telling myself that this is for a season. I will get back to work at some point.

We do Dave Ramsey and spend very little compared to our friends. Working for more "stuff" doesn't make any sense to me. Now that may partly be because I still can go to Disney and budget that in. But in order to do that I make sacrifices elsewhere. We have three paid for cars, the newest one is 6 years old.

Dawn

 

[DMickey28]

I'm used to the way I'm treated, so it's not really anything new. DH is nice when he wants to be, but as soon as he gets into something, it's a war. But honestly I really think it's because of his job, it's a rough job....

That doesn't make it alright.

 

[jodifla]

Yes, of course it is, but it is not the same quality of stress experienced by someone working outside the home and answerable to a boss (or even worse, bosses.)

Your kids cannot take away your livelihood if you lose your temper with them and order them to their rooms. You won't starve or lose the house if they don't think you're a decent mom. They cannot fire you tomorrow and replace you with any one of two dozen moms who are just waiting in line peering over your shoulder ready to take your place the minute you mess up.

Get the difference? Now, add in the pressure of being the sole breadwinner in a job where there is a strong possibility of taking a bullet and perhaps ending up disabled, and we are approaching a while different universe in the stress sweepstakes.


For the OP, the real answer is that at last count, among US married-couple households with young children, 62.1% both worked outside the home. Here is the data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics: http://www.bls.gov/news.release/famee.nr0.htm

As of the 2000 census, the percentage of children in NYS with all available parents in the workforce was 58% for those under age 6, and 62% for children aged 6-12. Of course, the economy has changed a LOT since 2000! http://datacenter.kidscount.org/data/acrossstates/Default.aspx
(Click on Economic Well-Being, and then on Employment and Income to reach the data tables.)

The numbers of two-working-parent households have been in decline this year, but not by choice. It is because unemployment is way up, and naturally a fair number of those formerly-employed, now-unemployed folks have children at home.

I've been a SAHM, I've been the main breadwinner, and I've been a part-timer.

Unless you have small kids, being a SAHM is way easier IMO. I think a lot of SAHMs kid themselves about this.

They turn in what makes for a good life (being able to go to kids' events, shuttle them around to activities, keep a nice home, etc.) sound like an absolute necessity. It's not. Being home is a luxury. Lots of parents miss their kids' events, don't volunteer at school and have to limit outside activities because they are working.

Being a main breadwinner today is INCREDIBLY stressful. You never know when you'll be laid off, and you're doing the work three people used to do.

When you have kids, what has worked best for us and our friends is to have one person in the real high-powered job, and the other person as a part-timer or in a job that's just less demanding. It's a real comfort to have a second source of income....how many threads have we seen on the DIS boards where BOTH parents are now out of work. And as an earlier poster said, pensions, college are crucial parts of financial planning.



None of my friend stay home...they all work for money, at least part time.

 

[DawnM]

Totally agreeing. Our lives have drastically changed monetarily once I started staying at home.

But you know what? We are better off financially than when I worked only because I am perfectly satisfied with my 2002 vehicle, save money now, etc.....we could save more and live even better if we did Dave Ramsey AND I worked, but for now, this is working just fine.

It is all about choices.

I used to think we could never afford it if I stayed home either.....but I didn't want to cut cable, or internet, or eating out, and the list goes on.

Dawn

And for some, luck has nothing to do with it. Being a SAHM has been about choices they have made as a family, for the most part, about their wants... Do we want two new cars? Yes, then we both need to work. Are we willing to drive older "paid for" vehicles? Then, one parent staying at home may be a viable option. Do we want/need a huge cell phone plan? Do we want/need cable TV?

I realize for many, the choice of stay at home or not doesn't exist, but for most of the ones who do stay home, it isn't about luck. It is about lifestyle decisions.

To the OP: Maybe going back to work would show him that he really does want you at home. And he might feel like it is in his best interest to pick up a bit of OT.

 

[MrsKreamer]

I work and SAH. I am home with the kids during the day M-Th til Dh gets home at 5pm. Then W-F I teach cake decorating lessons (at Michael's) at night and work in other depts of Michael's on sat and sunday. Dh works 40hrs a week and I work close to 25 hrs a week.

It's hard, but we realized that there were certain things in life we needed and wanted and we couldn't do that on one salary, nor is daycare an option. This way one of us is always with the kids, I get to be available during week days, in case they get sick etc. And we have saved enough to go to WDW in sept.

 

[Fintastic]

Unfortunately I have to work. But I'm hoping to be able to take a year off when this baby comes. It was so hard putting DD in daycare when she was six weeks old.

 

[hentob]

I'm used to the way I'm treated, so it's not really anything new. DH is nice when he wants to be, but as soon as he gets into something, it's a war.

Do you want to live the rest of your life like that?

Do you know that it is not normal?

 

[DMickey28]

Totally agreeing. Our lives have drastically changed monetarily once I started staying at home.

But you know what? We are better off financially than when I worked only because I am perfectly satisfied with my 2002 vehicle, save money now, etc.....we could save more and live even better if we did Dave Ramsey AND I worked, but for now, this is working just fine.

It is all about choices.

I used to think we could never afford it if I stayed home either.....but I didn't want to cut cable, or internet, or eating out, and the list goes on.

Dawn

This is us exactly. We full fund DH's 401K, we have a substantial savings of $20K+ which we have had to dip into a touch a few months back due to the economy and we budget. We still eat out sometimes, we travel and we get the little things that we want. We just modify that and we don't buy crap at the stores.