Do you stay home with your kids or work?

[beattyfamily]

This would never work for our family. My kids need to spend time with their father. I would never allow my husband to work two jobs so I could stay home. Too much of a sacrifice for us. My kids love seeing their father and doing stuff with him around the house. We both have free time and have equal jobs around the house.

First of all, you are assuming so very much with that bolded statement. My husband and I chose for one of us to stay home with our kids a long time ago. It was very important to both of us. The person staying home was me due to DH making a lot more money that I did.

Then recently hard times hit. I do work part time but one of us still needs to be home with the kids so during this tough time, DH CHOSE to get a second job in spite of my objections. I don't like it but what can I do?

Secondly, I didn't 'allow' my husband to work two jobs. I'm not his mother. He CHOSE to work a second job in spite of my objections. I offered to work full time, he said no way, I suggested cutting back on things; cable, internet, phone, eating out etc....and I even suggested getting rid of the minivan payment and buying a cheaper, paid off car (which we did) so he didn't feel the need to work a second job but he said no, that he'll do this for a few months so we can get back on track. This was totally his choice. I cannot physically stop him. I can ask, I can suggest, but I cannot force him not to take this part time job.

I feel tremendous guilt that he has two jobs and I'm a SAHM but this is what he wants. It is important to him.

Yep, it is a huge sacrifice. A sacrifice he's willing to take for now. My kids also need to spend time with their father and LOVE spending time with their father too and miss him when he's gone but they understand and they make the most of the time he is around. Luckily he has a very good day job that allows him 4 weeks vacation and he chooses to take every Friday off during the summer so they see him every morning and 3 day weekends.

How is this any different than someone (say a cop) who works their regular shift and then overtime? Not much different.

Judge much?

 

[beattyfamily]

This post saddens me. I truly does. I am not even going to resond to the values part.

As your reply to my post saddened me.

I shouldn't have let it bother me but it really did. My DH told me not to even reply to it but I couldn't help myself.

 

[dogluva]

First of all, you are assuming so very much with that bolded statement. My husband and I chose for one of us to stay home with our kids a long time ago. It was very important to both of us. The person staying home was me due to DH making a lot more money that I did.

Then recently hard times hit. I do work part time but one of us still needs to be home with the kids so during this tough time, DH CHOSE to get a second job in spite of my objections. I don't like it but what can I do?

Secondly, I didn't 'allow' my husband to work two jobs. I'm not his mother. He CHOSE to work a second job in spite of my objections. I offered to work full time, he said no way, I suggested cutting back on things; cable, internet, phone, eating out etc....and I even suggested getting rid of the minivan payment and buying a cheaper, paid off car (which we did) so he didn't feel the need to work a second job but he said no, that he'll do this for a few months so we can get back on track. This was totally his choice. I cannot physically stop him. I can ask, I can suggest, but I cannot force him not to take this part time job.

I feel tremendous guilt that he has two jobs and I'm a SAHM but this is what he wants. It is important to him.

Yep, it is a huge sacrifice. A sacrifice he's willing to take for now. My kids also need to spend time with their father and LOVE spending time with their father too and miss him when he's gone but they understand and they make the most of the time he is around. Luckily he has a very good day job that allows him 4 weeks vacation and he chooses to take every Friday off during the summer so they see him every morning and 3 day weekends.

How is this any different than someone (say a cop) who works their regular shift and then overtime? Not much different.

Judge much?

How am I judging. Wouldn't work for my family. I would not have my husband work two jobs when I could work full time. I don't care if he told me not to-I wold rather he spent time with our kids. You said yourself you husband had no free time. I didn't say that.

You sound resentful.

 

[dogluva]

As your reply to my post saddened me.

I shouldn't have let it bother me but it really did. My DH told me not to even reply to it but I couldn't help myself.

oh please.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Well, it's not really true that you can do both. You can't be a full-time mother to your children and work full-time in a workplace away from them. That doesn't mean that your children won't turn out fine, or that you won't have a happy life that way, but the reality is that your children will be primarily cared for by other people - not you. And clearly for many people, that's just fine.

It isn't for me. For me, the most important part of my life is my family (and since I'm single, that means my children). No "lifestyle," no amount of money is more valuable to me than being with them. These are the people I love most in the world, so I want to spend as much time as possible with them. That's especially true, for me, in the early years, when children have little sense of time and the amount of time they are awake each day is short. It would make me very sad to spend eight or nine hours a day at work, with people I may like well enough, but don't love, and only an hour or two with the children I love so deeply before they have to go to bed. I believe my children felt the same way about me as well - they loved me, not any babysitters I might have used from time to time, and they wanted to spend most of their time with me.

I also wanted to be the person who passed on the values and beliefs that I think are important. So many of these are things kids learn by observation, not by what we tell them, and the more time we have together the more opportunities they have to see me live my values.

There are a couple of sayings that I've always thought made sense for me "People are more important than things" and "Nobody on their deathbed ever says 'I wish I'd spent more time in the office.'" My kids are grown now, and yes, they probably did without some of the things their friends had because I tried to minimize time apart from them. But they tell me all the time how much they value our relationship, how glad they are that I chose being with them over bringing in more money.

Obviously, not everyone would make the same choices, and I'm not suggesting they should. I just think we need to recognize that "having it all" is kind of an inaccurate statement. You do have to give up something, and often what you are giving up is time with your child or children. For many people, that's a worthwhile trade-off. Not for me.

Teresa

How did you support your family?

 

[beattyfamily]

How am I judging. Wouldn't work for my family. I would not have my husband work two jobs when I could work full time. I don't care if he told me not to-I wold rather he spent time with our kids. You said yourself you husband had no free time. I didn't say that.

You sound resentful.

Oh please, you sound resentful in your reply to Teresa Pitman.

You were certainly being judgemental. You didn't just say it wouldn't work for your family and you know it. Just as Teresa Pitman was only saying what works for her family, right?

It goes both ways.

I only contributed my story as a SAHM, I didn't judge anyone's choices. You, however, did. I hope it makes you feel better about your choice to work.

 

[dogluva]

Oh please, you sound resentful in your reply to Teresa Pitman.

You were certainly being judgemental. You didn't just say it wouldn't work for your family and you know it. Just as Teresa Pitman was only saying what works for her family, right?

It goes both ways.

I only contributed my story as a SAHM, I didn't judge anyone's choices. You, however, did. I hope it makes you feel better about your choice to work.

Uh, I was offended as a working mother.

I do feel good about working. I don't really care what others do. I just wouldn't want my husband to not have time with my children. Thankfully, this is not the case for our family. He works, I work and we see our children equally for the most part. That is what work for us and I am proud of this.

I am also proud that I contribute to our finances. I can also afford to pay for my son's college education and afford to live in a safe neighborhood. Staying home is not worth going without these things.

 

[beattyfamily]

Uh, I was offended as a working mother.

I do feel good about working. I don't really care what others do. I just wouldn't want my husband to not have time with my children. Thankfully, this is not the case for our family. He works, I work and we see our children equally for the most part. That is what work for us and I am proud of this.

I am also proud that I contribute to our finances. I can also afford to pay for my son's college education and afford to live in a safe neighborhood. Staying home is not worth going without these things.

And I was offended as a SAHM.

I'm so happy for you that you are happy with yoru choices. I am happy with mine, so please don't judge mine and I won't judge yours.

You started this with me and I'm quite sure you knew I'd reply to your very rude note.

Have a great night. I'm off to the doctor's with my special needs child that I'm so very lucky to be around for all her needs.

 

[dogluva]

And I was offended as a SAHM.

I'm so happy for you that you are happy with yoru choices. I am happy with mine, so please don't judge mine and I won't judge yours.

You started this with me and I'm quite sure you knew I'd reply to your very rude note.

Have a great night. I'm off to the doctor's with my special needs child that I'm so very lucky to be around for all her needs.

That's nice. I happen to work with special needs. We are both so wonderful, wouldn't you agree?

 

[Christine]

First of all, you are assuming so very much with that bolded statement. My husband and I chose for one of us to stay home with our kids a long time ago. It was very important to both of us. The person staying home was me due to DH making a lot more money that I did.

Then recently hard times hit. I do work part time but one of us still needs to be home with the kids so during this tough time, DH CHOSE to get a second job in spite of my objections. I don't like it but what can I do?

Secondly, I didn't 'allow' my husband to work two jobs. I'm not his mother. He CHOSE to work a second job in spite of my objections. I offered to work full time, he said no way, I suggested cutting back on things; cable, internet, phone, eating out etc....and I even suggested getting rid of the minivan payment and buying a cheaper, paid off car (which we did) so he didn't feel the need to work a second job but he said no, that he'll do this for a few months so we can get back on track. This was totally his choice. I cannot physically stop him. I can ask, I can suggest, but I cannot force him not to take this part time job.

I feel tremendous guilt that he has two jobs and I'm a SAHM but this is what he wants. It is important to him.

Yep, it is a huge sacrifice. A sacrifice he's willing to take for now. My kids also need to spend time with their father and LOVE spending time with their father too and miss him when he's gone but they understand and they make the most of the time he is around. Luckily he has a very good day job that allows him 4 weeks vacation and he chooses to take every Friday off during the summer so they see him every morning and 3 day weekends.

How is this any different than someone (say a cop) who works their regular shift and then overtime? Not much different.

Judge much?

beattyfamily,

As a working mom, I think your situation is great because both of you clearly worked out what works best for your family. I hate to put a label on any one way a family runs itself. I think if everyone agrees and everyone is happy, it is the *right* way, no matter what. If one partner is resentful, it is the wrong way, KWIM?

Your situation would never work in my household just because my husband is the type of person that cannot put in a lot of hours without personally falling apart. He's had to do some stretches of overtime and he just can't handle it. He needs downtime (as do I). On the other hand, I have a family member that can work 70-80 hour weeks, survive on 4 hours of sleep, and he THRIVES. Everyone is just so different.

It's when two people are not making the decision jointly. My cousin was determined NOT to work when she had her kids. There was no way in heck that she was going to turn her kids over to daycare. So, she stayed home and her husband busted his butt. I never thought he was overly happy about the situation. Even busting his butt, they got into debt. Why? Because they (she) wanted it all. She wanted to be home, she wanted the beach vacations a few times in the summer, and she wanted her kids to be in all the activities they deserved. Finally, at $25,000 in debt (this was the 80s), she HAD to get a job. She still wouldn't put her kids in any type of care. So her husband worked overtime, and she took a late night job bartending. Needless to say, her marriage could not survive this AT ALL. Way too much stress and resentment. While I don't have a crystal ball, I can't help but think that if she had just gotten a job from the beginning there would have been so much less stress.

Again, it comes down to both parties agreeing. In the OP's case and in my cousin's case, one party was not happy with the situation. But the mother in these pictures seems to think that being a SAHM is a right. Quite honestly, in this economy (and all the situations we've been in over many years), it is a luxury and priveledge.

 

[Colleen27]

Well, it's not really true that you can do both. You can't be a full-time mother to your children and work full-time in a workplace away from them. That doesn't mean that your children won't turn out fine, or that you won't have a happy life that way, but the reality is that your children will be primarily cared for by other people - not you. And clearly for many people, that's just fine.

It isn't for me. For me, the most important part of my life is my family (and since I'm single, that means my children). No "lifestyle," no amount of money is more valuable to me than being with them. These are the people I love most in the world, so I want to spend as much time as possible with them. That's especially true, for me, in the early years, when children have little sense of time and the amount of time they are awake each day is short. It would make me very sad to spend eight or nine hours a day at work, with people I may like well enough, but don't love, and only an hour or two with the children I love so deeply before they have to go to bed. I believe my children felt the same way about me as well - they loved me, not any babysitters I might have used from time to time, and they wanted to spend most of their time with me.

I also wanted to be the person who passed on the values and beliefs that I think are important. So many of these are things kids learn by observation, not by what we tell them, and the more time we have together the more opportunities they have to see me live my values.

There are a couple of sayings that I've always thought made sense for me "People are more important than things" and "Nobody on their deathbed ever says 'I wish I'd spent more time in the office.'" My kids are grown now, and yes, they probably did without some of the things their friends had because I tried to minimize time apart from them. But they tell me all the time how much they value our relationship, how glad they are that I chose being with them over bringing in more money.

Obviously, not everyone would make the same choices, and I'm not suggesting they should. I just think we need to recognize that "having it all" is kind of an inaccurate statement. You do have to give up something, and often what you are giving up is time with your child or children. For many people, that's a worthwhile trade-off. Not for me.

You go, girl!! It does seem sometimes that these boards are dominated by SAHMs. Maybe the WAHMs are too busy to post. I am all for women's equality. Just think what a great example this woman is to her children.

And, yes, there are sacrifices in every choice we make. Maybe the WOHM didn't see every thing her child ever did, but on the other hand, maybe she could afford to send her child to wonderful summer camps, travel with them, send them to top notch schools, pay for their college education, etc. Or maybe she just worked to put a roof over their heads and food in front of them. Whatever she did she was still their mother. It really irks me when people imply that if you aren't home with your kids that means you aren't raising them. Parents are still the most influential people in children's lives.

Lastly if the only important goal in a woman's life is stay at home barefoot and pregnant, why should woman even go to college? My mom was a SAHM and she was excellent. She only graduated from high school and I can't imagine that a college degree would have made her any better. My SIL is a SAHM with a Master's degree and $50,000 of college loans. She can't do half the domestic things my mom could do.

Well, this didn't take long to venture into the mommy wars, did it?

Yes, there are tradeoffs that working moms make, but it is impossible to generalize what they are because every situation is different. I don't know anyone who works so many hours that their child is primarily cared for by other people. A typical workday takes up only 1/3 of the day, and few people work 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year.

And really? Barefoot & pregnant? Why go to college? The answer to that couldn't be more obvious - a woman who plans to be home with her kids should go to college because she'll have to do something in those years before getting married/having kids, because it is a good idea to have a backup plan in case of disability/divorce/death of the breadwinner, and because the value of a college education isn't limited to vocational training.

 

[NMAmy]

Well, this didn't take long to venture into the mommy wars, did it?

It never does, Colleen.

It makes me happy that dd is now 18 and it doesn't effect her emotional wellbeing whether I work or not. She'd prefer I keep working so I can continue to support her in the style to which she has become accustomed.

I am confused as to how a single mom can be a SAHM, though. I wasn't able to figure out a way to swing that when I was a single mom.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I don't even know how to respond to this post as a working mother.

I know one thing, my kids sure like to eat. I know I really want to feed the kids I love the most in the world.

My kids haven't told me they are mad at me for chosing "brinigng in more money" over them but I am sure they appreciate that they have electricity and heat in the winter.

This post saddens me. I truly does. I am not even going to resond to the values part.
__________________
Tracy

Tracy, I am also a working mother. I stayed home with my children when they were small but then my marriage broke up and I needed to bring in an income. My kids, like yours, wanted to eat.

What I did was try to find work that allowed me to be at home with them as much as possible. I've taught various classes in my home, cared for other people's children, cleaned offices at night while my kids slept and many other things. Over time I became a freelance writer - something I could do mostly from home, that often allowed me to bring them with me to my assignments and that offered a lot of flexibility.

What I was trying to respond to in my original post was someone who said "you can do both." I was trying to say that you can't do both, there are trade-offs, and different people will choose different approaches. Then I tried to explain my choices and why I made them.

I don't know why my post makes you sad. That was not my intention, and I don't understand why it has that effect. You clearly have made choices and decisions that are right for your family and you seem to be happy with them.

We all have our reasons for making the choices we make. Because I make a different choice doesn't mean I'm criticizing you.

Teresa

 

[Gammaresource]

Well, this didn't take long to venture into the mommy wars, did it?

Yes, there are tradeoffs that working moms make, but it is impossible to generalize what they are because every situation is different. I don't know anyone who works so many hours that their child is primarily cared for by other people. A typical workday takes up only 1/3 of the day, and few people work 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year.

And really? Barefoot & pregnant? Why go to college? The answer to that couldn't be more obvious - a woman who plans to be home with her kids should go to college because she'll have to do something in those years before getting married/having kids, because it is a good idea to have a backup plan in case of disability/divorce/death of the breadwinner, and because the value of a college education isn't limited to vocational training.

No kidding!

LOL, my mom had a PhD was a darn good SAHM! Amazingly we benefited from her knowledge.

There isn't any purpose of the mommywars except to make oneself look better. Pretty darn pathetic in my book. On both sides!

 

[DisneyMomx7]

First of all, you are assuming so very much with that bolded statement. My husband and I chose for one of us to stay home with our kids a long time ago. It was very important to both of us. The person staying home was me due to DH making a lot more money that I did.

Then recently hard times hit. I do work part time but one of us still needs to be home with the kids so during this tough time, DH CHOSE to get a second job in spite of my objections. I don't like it but what can I do?

Secondly, I didn't 'allow' my husband to work two jobs. I'm not his mother. He CHOSE to work a second job in spite of my objections. I offered to work full time, he said no way, I suggested cutting back on things; cable, internet, phone, eating out etc....and I even suggested getting rid of the minivan payment and buying a cheaper, paid off car (which we did) so he didn't feel the need to work a second job but he said no, that he'll do this for a few months so we can get back on track. This was totally his choice. I cannot physically stop him. I can ask, I can suggest, but I cannot force him not to take this part time job.

I feel tremendous guilt that he has two jobs and I'm a SAHM but this is what he wants. It is important to him.

Yep, it is a huge sacrifice. A sacrifice he's willing to take for now. My kids also need to spend time with their father and LOVE spending time with their father too and miss him when he's gone but they understand and they make the most of the time he is around. Luckily he has a very good day job that allows him 4 weeks vacation and he chooses to take every Friday off during the summer so they see him every morning and 3 day weekends.

How is this any different than someone (say a cop) who works their regular shift and then overtime? Not much different.

Judge much?

My DH has his own business. He works lots of long days and many weekends so I can stay home with the kids. This is the arrangement we choose, and we are doing what we feel is important.

That's why we do the long Disney trip, it gives us time to regroup as a family. Also we are lucky that he can take off to see the kids in something at school, or to pick them up if I'm sick.

I'm getting tired of SAHM's having to defend their lifestyle.

Like beattyfamily this works for us.

BTW I never felt barefoot and pregnant, or that a college degree wasn't important if you choose to be a stay at home mom.

 

[Smbdyscrm]

I'm a single SAHM. I support my family with home daycare income, small ebay business and child support. It's much easier for me than stressing over worries I experienced as a single working mother. Pay & benefits are better for me as SAHM too.

 

[Caradana]

As the poster who said, a couple of pages ago, that I thought I could have both an incredible family and an incredible career, I want to jump back in and say that I'm not offended at all by the fact that Teresa Pitman disagrees. A lot of it has to do with word choice: can you "have it all" and still "trade off"? She speaks from the lens of her own experience, as do I, although my experiences are observational and hers are actual. Opinions on this issue are driven so much by individual experiences and unique circumstances that I can't imagine all will ever agree. It's all about where we come from.

Here are a few factors that shape my point of view:

- The quality of the mom is so much more powerful than whether she is SAH or Working. It's all about the woman. We all know crappy and sublime SAHMs, crappy and sublime Working moms. It's the personality traits and characteristics of the woman that shape how the kids are going to turn out. It's less about how she spends 9-5 and more about how she engages the kids in the hours they share.

- Income level often, not always, but often drives this decision. The same woman who would elect to be a SAHM at an earning power of $30K would likely consider working tomorrow at an earning power of $300K. Always true? No, definitely not. Indicatively true? Probably, yea. This is amplified if DH's earning power is substantially lower than DW's. The difference between a family income of $60K and $360K per year is not messing around. It's a whole different life for the kids, as Dave Ramsey puts it, it's "changing the family tree" money. It's essentially the decision to trade off daytime with the kids (easier if they're in school, but still, daytime) for lower stress and more luxury and (often, not always) a more harmonious marriage, because you're not fighting about money.

Imagine what it would be like if you never had to worry about money - if you could just do what you wanted, when you wanted, if you could own your house flat-out, if bills were just annoying and never worrisome, if you could fly to Italy tomorrow and not really feel it in your checking account at all. I'm in a pretty rarefied environment in this city, but honestly, this is the tradeoff that some of my female friends face as they approach their 30s and think about having a first baby. The choice: Work, and lower the stress, hit your longtime goals, give your kids material advantages. Stay at home, and transform your lifestyle, maybe advantage the kids emotionally, maybe define yourself a whole different way. It's not that either is ethically better or worse - it's that it's a substantial tradeoff.

This is different than if you're choosing between lower-paid jobs and staying at home. The equation of the tradeoff changes entirely.

- American women in 2009 should never feel guilty about, or make excuses about, wanting to achieve professionally. The world has fundamentally changed. Five thousand years of subservience have given way to an idea that women can be professionally equal to men, and this was a swing that occured over a fraction of the time, just 50 years. This shift is enormous and it's going to take culture a while to catch up. Elementary-school-aged girls are seeing an entirely different world right now. Personally, I see value in my future little girl knowing that (a) mom loves me and (b) mom does smart stuff during the day, but I know that I am very important, and (c) that's why grandma and my nanny are at my house when I get home from school, and them Mom is home after that and (d) I can do anything I want in the whole world, just like Mom does. I think this is how the Obama girls feel about Michelle, and how the Osteen daughter feels about Victoria, and I could give about a thousand more examples. That's how I want to be.

- There's a lot of natural defensiveness on this point. Sometimes, I'm not sure what we expect people to say. I mean, do we really expect a woman who stays at home to say, "sure, you're right, it was a mistake to give up on my career and spend most of my days away from other adults, and make myself financially vulnerable if my husband has a midlife?" Do we really expect a woman who works to say, "sure, you're right, it was a mistake to work and miss important developmental milestones, and my kid probably misses me when I'm gone, and why is the money even important to me anyway?" I mean, we don't really expect that, right?

It's all about the individual and unique circumstances.

 

[beattyfamily]

beattyfamily,

As a working mom, I think your situation is great because both of you clearly worked out what works best for your family. I hate to put a label on any one way a family runs itself. I think if everyone agrees and everyone is happy, it is the *right* way, no matter what. If one partner is resentful, it is the wrong way, KWIM?.

You are right and ITA.

My DH has his own business. He works lots of long days and many weekends so I can stay home with the kids. This is the arrangement we choose, and we are doing what we feel is important.

That's why we do the long Disney trip, it gives us time to regroup as a family. Also we are lucky that he can take off to see the kids in something at school, or to pick them up if I'm sick.

I'm getting tired of SAHM's having to defend their lifestyle.

Like beattyfamily this works for us.

BTW I never felt barefoot and pregnant, or that a college degree wasn't important if you choose to be a stay at home mom.

Thanks for sharing your similar situation. All that matters is that we as a family are happy with the choices we make.

 

[SaraJayne]

I'm a college educated SAHM. I have been since my first child was born 12 years ago.

It's a decision DH and I made together. We live very comfortably on one salary.

Everyone has to make what they feel is the best decision for *their* family. What works for me may not work for others and vice versa.

 

[Colleen27]

It's all about the individual and unique circumstances.

I agree.

I grew up with a mom who worked a lot of hours, not by choice (my dad left when I was small and never paid support). She missed a lot when I was a kid, and I resented it. My brother got into a lot of trouble in his teen years for lack of supervision, and again, that had a lot to do with my mom working during his teen years. Could I work and not repeat those mistakes? I'm sure I could, but I don't have much desire to try.

I'm also fortunate to be in a situation where I do have it all. We bought our new home outright, so for all practical purposes we're completely debt-free (we have a mortgage on our rental house, but we also have someone interested in a rent-to-own arrangement on it so hopefully we'll be out of that obligation sooner than expected). We can have the trips to Disney and the boat and the camps and activities for the kids without me working outside the home. We live a pretty modest life, out of habit now but necessity in the past, and that enables us to spend only a small share of our income on essential expenses with plenty left over for saving and for fun.

But really, the defining reason for our choice wasn't practicality or money or any of that. It was about me. I've never been professionally ambitious, and though I had a career before kids, it wasn't a part of my identity the way my home life is. It isn't just the role of mommy - I'll likely be a SAH wife long after the kids are gone. It is the whole package - growing an ever-increasing share of our food, cooking/baking from scratch, helping DH build his business and working with him as needed, remodeling and redecorating, volunteering in our community. All of that feels so much more concrete and valuable to me than working for someone else in exchange for a paycheck we really don't need. I do work from home as a freelance writer and selling some of the things I/we make (DH just sold his first custom playhouse - I do the designing, he does the woodworking), but I have no interest in climbing the corporate ladder.

I think that's really what matters - the best mom is a contented mom, whether that means working or staying home, and in a perfect world every woman would be able to make that choice. But here in the real world, circumstances force all sorts of choices and we do what we can to make the best of the hand we're dealt, whether that means working or staying home or something in between.