do you sometimes feel like your single/childless friends/relatives don't get it?

[ez]

Right now I'm thinking about a relative on my husbands side of the family, who is around my age, never married no kids. I feel as though she get's slighted by things we do, or may leave her out of, when in actuality we are mostly consumed with keeping our ship afloat. We do include her when we can, but sometimes its all we can do to get ourselves together with a teenager and a special needs child. I really feel like she has no idea what a constant juggle our life is, and we can't always be worried about every one elses schedules or feelings outside our immediate family. Like I said, when things permit we absolutely do include her....just not everytime....and then to have to apologize or explain ourselves...it gets old

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Nope. I think it is probably more of her character than the fact she does not have kids.

If she had kids she would probably still feel slighted.

In short, she sounds like a selfish person to begin with.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Right now I'm thinking about a relative on my husbands side of the family, who is around my age, never married no kids. I feel as though she get's slighted by things we do, or may leave her out of, when in actuality we are mostly consumed with keeping our ship afloat. We do include her when we can, but sometimes its all we can do to get ourselves together with a teenager and a special needs child. I really feel like she has no idea what a constant juggle our life is, and we can't always be worried about every one elses schedules or feelings outside our immediate family. Like I said, when things permit we absolutely do include her....just not everytime....and then to have to apologize or explain ourselves...it gets old

I don't think you ever have to apologize or explain decisions your family makes.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Do you invite other family members who do have children to do things that she is left out of?

If so, then I can kind of see why she'd be upset. If not, then she's probably just someone who might be a little needy and having her own kids wouldn't really change that. Maybe she's just lonely and really likes your part of the family.


And please don't think that a single, childless person doesn't have to juggle to stay afloat. We all have struggles. Trust me.

 

[Minnesota!]

Oh I definitely think that people/couples that don't have children have a hard time grasping just how much of a time suck kids are!

My BFF just had her first....I have been a mom for 7 years. In those 7 years, there have been 100's of instances where she has been upset with how "long" it takes my family to do something, how we don't have the flexibility to just up and leave, and why spending money on "this" isn't going to happen because I have to spend it on "that" for my kids. Her daughter is 2 months old now...and she gets it now.

Most of DH's family is childless, too....and they have the same hard time grasping it, as well.

I don't think it's a bad thing, really...just like I wouldn't grasp how much of a time suck a certain career is, etc. Unless you have experienced that experience, you can;t really related...

 

[Goofyluver]

Hell, I have a kid and sometimes I don't "get others" either.

Really OP, if you're concerned or if you feel pressured by her in some way, why not just talk to her? It'd probably make ya' both understand each other better.

 

[katie26]

Do you invite other family members who do have children to do things that she is left out of?

If so, then I can kind of see why she'd be upset. If not, then she's probably just someone who might be a little needy and having her own kids wouldn't really change that. Maybe she's just lonely and really likes your part of the family.


And please don't think that a single, childless person doesn't have to juggle to stay afloat. We all have struggles. Trust me.

ITA!

When my friends started getting married and having children, it was really striking how many things I started to be left out of. Like my friends who started hosting a board game night - for couples only. Or like when someone in our social circle I've been friends with for years has a birthday party for one of their kids and invites all of our friends who are parents but none of our friends who aren't. It definitely hurts to be left out of things like that. I like board games! I like bringing your kid presents and eating cupcakes! Why do I need a boyfriend to play Monopoly at your house? Why do I need a baby of my own to hang out with you and yours? It's definitely a sore spot for me and my other single, child-free friends. (Side note: it's interesting how much more I see my coupled friends now that I'm in a serious relationship myself. I don't get it - do they really like my boyfriend that much or are they just more comfortable around non-single people?)

OP, it sounds from your post like you've been trying very hard to include her in your plans, and that's awesome! But maybe she's used to her friends with families leaving her out of things and she's very sensitive (or overly sensitive) to that sort of being left out in this sort of situation. I bet a good conversation between the two of you would really help work things out. Just remember that she might not be single or childless by choice, and it can be frustrating for us unmarried, childless people to hear things like "you just don't understand."

 

[Carly_Roach]

Meh...as someone who was single for a long time and now is married but has no kids, it's a trade-off. Maybe your relative hasn't lived long enough to assimilate that knowledge or doesn't want to assimilate it.

The trick is to be happy and confident in your own life and your own choices. Both DH and I realized at an early age that we really didn't want to experience the whole "having children" deal this go around (we both believe in reincarnation), which is probably why we reached our 40's with no kids and no married partners. That doesn't negate the desires of those who wanted marriage and kids; it just means that those goals aren't the ones we chose for our own lives.

Sure, in our 20's we saw friends who married and had children drift away, but in their absence came other friends who were single or DINKs (Dual Income, No Kids) that would fill the void, carried our same values, and were compatible with our current lifestyle and growth. Now that we're in our 40's, we're seeing some of those 20's friends drift back in, children raised and nests empty, in some cases (well, in many cases) divorced, and the adults we knew then now want adult company again.

And we're cool with that, too. It's always interesting to see how people have grown and changed based on their experiences.

 

[disykat]

I'm the only person in my family with kids, so I have to be pretty careful about what I say. I honestly don't talk about most family stuff because while they sort of understand they don't really relate to it - including my parents who've obviously already been through it.

My parents and child'less' sister get kind of meloncholy when they perceive busyness at my house, my child'free' siblings really aren't interested in it.

A family with a bunch of different activities and needs to keep track of simply takes more time than a single person and doesn't have the same social needs.

 

[Ceila]

I do think that folks without children don't quite "get it" sometimes. Just as I will never quite "get" how difficult it is to be a military spouse, or to have trouble conceiving, or to be someone who travels extensively for work, or a thousand other things, because my experience is different.

We were the first in our group of friends to get married and have kids by several years. While sometimes our friends didn't quite remember that if they wanted us to go out with them on a Friday night we needed more than 30 minutes notice, lol, they were awesome and never made us feel bad when we missed things. We also always included them in our things, and it didn't matter who was in a relationship or who had kids or whatever.

 

[Pakey]

My children are adults now and my best friend of 50+ years never had children.

I've never felt like we didn't "get" each others lives. Personally I like that we are not carbon copy images of each other.

FYI-her life has always been busier than mine. Her volunteer commitments are overwhelming.

 

[Angelhalo]

I don't think people have to have kids to understand what a struggle it can cause with juggling your time. I think the majority (not all) of adults would quickly agree that children take up a lot of your time, energy, finances etc. A child becomes your life. Your life tends to then revolve around the child.

Has the child eaten, been changed, been bathed, been to the doctor, had their shots ,seen their grandparents? Are they allergic to anything? Are they sleeping well, do they have any activities they need to attend? Does the activity include a costume, a gift, a change of clothes? Is the diaper bag packed? Do we have formula? Is our crib safe? Is this lotion safe? At what point do we introduce grapes with the skin still on them? Are they teething? Is that color of poo normal?

The questions and concerns and things that fill your life once you have a child are endless. At 32 and 38 DH and I have no kids but we're grown people who certainly have family and friends with children. We see them live their lives and understand that they are busy and that they have different demands on their lives and on their time than we do. I don't think it's fair to make a blanket statement claiming that if you don't have kids, you don't understand. We may have never had the exact same feelings, fears, etc but it doesnt mean we don't understand.

Sounds to me like the OP's relative is just a needy dramatic person.

 

[shortbun]

My sister is childless by choice but married. She soooo doesn't get it. She resents it when my conversation leaves her topic, which is usually herself, and moves to my family. I can instantly hear her turn cold. Most days, I just listen to her talk about herself because it's easier. I love her; she's never had to share anything with anyone. She won't even share chinese food, lol!

 

[bellarella]

There are two sides to this coin usually. I have kids, so I'm not bashing on people with families, but I do see the tendency for people with kids to think that the entire world needs to accommodate their family needs. I know I'm guilty of it from time to time, but I do try to see if I'm really balancing different points of view or immediately jumping to the "I have kids and therefore my needs/topics of discussion/priorities/etc. are more important" line. Of course my family is my top priority, but I don't think that gives me special privileges over people who don't have kids and their top priorities.

Sometimes we just don't have the energy in life to balance everything that is on our plate. I don't see that as a kids/no kids issue. Just the general we all walk different paths. Some people just don't have empathy for others not in their same position, whether that is having kids or not having kids, or any other circumstance that sets us apart as individuals.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am married but no children. I "get" my childed friends....their childrens
needs come first, as they should.

I have single friends. Sometimes they are included, sometimes not. But then again, sometimes my coupled friend are or arent't included.

OP, I think your relative sounds more self-absorbed, and I think she'd be self-absorbed whether she was married or single....it's character flaw, not a result of being single.

 

[NaLisa]

ITA!

When my friends started getting married and having children, it was really striking how many things I started to be left out of. Like my friends who started hosting a board game night - for couples only. Or like when someone in our social circle I've been friends with for years has a birthday party for one of their kids and invites all of our friends who are parents but none of our friends who aren't. It definitely hurts to be left out of things like that. I like board games! I like bringing your kid presents and eating cupcakes! Why do I need a boyfriend to play Monopoly at your house? Why do I need a baby of my own to hang out with you and yours? It's definitely a sore spot for me and my other single, child-free friends. (Side note: it's interesting how much more I see my coupled friends now that I'm in a serious relationship myself. I don't get it - do they really like my boyfriend that much or are they just more comfortable around non-single people?)

OP, it sounds from your post like you've been trying very hard to include her in your plans, and that's awesome! But maybe she's used to her friends with families leaving her out of things and she's very sensitive (or overly sensitive) to that sort of being left out in this sort of situation. I bet a good conversation between the two of you would really help work things out. Just remember that she might not be single or childless by choice, and it can be frustrating for us unmarried, childless people to hear things like "you just don't understand."

Just wanted to say--Great post explaining another point of view.

 

[castleview]

Sounds like that relative needs a life. Seriously, depending on other people for happiness is dangerous. As for my hectic life, I don't expect anyone else to "get it". But I do expect them to understand my life is different from theirs, thus my priorities and schedule will be too. I need to return that favor too. If I'm on vacation at my parent's beach house and my childless sister is there too, I can't expect her to shut down by 9:00 because my kids are in bed and DH and I are fried. At the same time, she's considerate of us and isn't going to blast the TV volume until midnight.

 

[castleview]

ITA!

When my friends started getting married and having children, it was really striking how many things I started to be left out of. Like my friends who started hosting a board game night - for couples only. Or like when someone in our social circle I've been friends with for years has a birthday party for one of their kids and invites all of our friends who are parents but none of our friends who aren't. It definitely hurts to be left out of things like that. I like board games! I like bringing your kid presents and eating cupcakes! Why do I need a boyfriend to play Monopoly at your house? Why do I need a baby of my own to hang out with you and yours? It's definitely a sore spot for me and my other single, child-free friends. (Side note: it's interesting how much more I see my coupled friends now that I'm in a serious relationship myself. I don't get it - do they really like my boyfriend that much or are they just more comfortable around non-single people?)

OP, it sounds from your post like you've been trying very hard to include her in your plans, and that's awesome! But maybe she's used to her friends with families leaving her out of things and she's very sensitive (or overly sensitive) to that sort of being left out in this sort of situation. I bet a good conversation between the two of you would really help work things out. Just remember that she might not be single or childless by choice, and it can be frustrating for us unmarried, childless people to hear things like "you just don't understand."

I'm so happy DH and I were never into that stuff. Even now, when we get asked out to dinner with another couple or I get asked to a girls' night out, we normally don't jump at the chance. Our schedules are so nuts that we actually enjoy a quiet evening at home when given the chance. Who knows maybe we're anti-social or maybe because we waited to have kids and married late by many of our acquaintances standards (26 and 29 ), that we're not itching for that. I remember right after we got engaged, DH's friend and his wife invited us out. When we got there, there were two other couples either engaged or just married and one of DH's single friends. Before you knew it, the women were talking about weddings, and how they were proposed to and I just wanted to die for the single guy's sake. How annoying that must have been.

 

[minkydog]

Right now I'm thinking about a relative on my husbands side of the family, who is around my age, never married no kids. I feel as though she get's slighted by things we do, or may leave her out of, when in actuality we are mostly consumed with keeping our ship afloat. We do include her when we can, but sometimes its all we can do to get ourselves together with a teenager and a special needs child. I really feel like she has no idea what a constant juggle our life is, and we can't always be worried about every one elses schedules or feelings outside our immediate family. Like I said, when things permit we absolutely do include her....just not everytime....and then to have to apologize or explain ourselves...it gets old

Boy, do I hear you loud and clear. My SIL never had kids. She's 57 now, on her third marriage and they are consumed with their frivolous selves. We have three kids, DS24 who has bipolar disorder, DS16 who is profoundly mentally handicapped, and DD18 who thinks she is the "Marilyn Munster"(you know, the normal one) of our weird crazy family. Most of the last 24 years has been taken over by child care, much of it difficult and painful. DSIL likes to give me advice. She has 3 stepchildren from a previous marriage who never lived with her and who visited only every couple years. Based on the fact that she sent Christmas & birthday gifts, she truly believes that she knows what motherhood is all about. I resent her advice because she clearly doesn' t have a clue. Maybe i would respect her if she had ever made any effort to get to know my kids. But not only does she not know them, she actively resists our visits because she doesn't like Christian. IMO, that negates any child-rearing advice she has to offer. I just smile, listen to her inane prattle, and do what i want to do.

My inlaws as a group are clueless. We live 400 miles from the nearest family. None of them has children at home. We still have 2. Yet, they truly expect us to drop everything and run "home" for every little birthday, holiday or anniversary. Sorry,no can do. They have no conception of how hard it is for us to travel with Christian. It's near impossible and something i actively resist. DSIL is full of suggestions for us, though. We should play cards, go on a wine-tasting, run up to Gatlinburg, take a cruise, have dinner parties. I just want to smack her. She just doesn't get it.

 

[Sugardimples]

I think we do not know enough about these people to know that anyone is "selfish" or "self absorbed".