Do You Lend Money To Family

[kilee]

My MIL called me last night to ask if I could please help her out. She says she's been trying to get dh to help, but he just says we don't have it. First, you have know MIL and I have absolutely NO relationship to speak of. We tolerate one another on polite terms.

Anyhow, her and her BF bought a house 18 months ago that was so out of their budget. Also, they didn't sell her house, and now have 2 mortgages. She doesn't work, she's on Social Security for a supposed bad back.

Now, in the last 3 years they've gotten 2 "consolidation loans" for their credit cards. Only to turn right around and open more. She admitted to me last night that they have both mortgages, these 2 loans, and 12 credit cards they're paying on. Between her SS and BF's take home pay- they're pulling about $2600-3000/mo w/ the new houses mortgage at $1600/mo. First, I'd love to know how they even got the mortgage. They don't make enough to support it. So, she says the cards are maxed out (they've been living off them), they can't get anymore credit, and they don't have enough to make ends meet. She wants to know if we could float her $1500 a month from now through the end of summer. She was badgering me. I told her point blank we didn't have it. She questioned me about our upcoming summer trip (she asked why we couldn't cancel), she questioned me about my wisdom tooth removal coming up that we're paying cash for (um- I need that thank you- she wanted me to reschedule for fall). She questioned everything right down to if I was buying any new summer clothing- and why we couldn't/wouldn't forego.

I should throw in there they own 7 cars (4 being somewhat rough condition vintage cars). They also own a ton and I mean a ton of collectible toys from the 50's and 60's they don't want to part with. Brand new in packages. They also own bags and boxes full of gadegts and dollar store items. I'm talking 1000's of items. They are serious pack-rats. So, my solution is-- sell some of the cars, start ebaying those toy's which you've said you're gonna do for the last 5 yrs. Then have one massive garage sale for the rest. MIL owns a 1960 something (I think) Mustang dh really wants. That doesn't even run. He said he'd give her money in exchange for the car. She said they ARE NOT selling anything. I should also mention the BF is going out of town for 3 days this weekend to some big sports card show-- where he will buy (with what I don't know).

Anyhow, she's calling everyday now asking for money. Coming up with some new guilt trip. She went as far as calling my mom (who is a bank manager where we bank) to see if my mom could tell MIL how much money dh and I had in our savings. Of course mom told her she wasn't allowed to divulge that info. DH has put his foot down, but aside from cutting ties w/ her (fine by me, but I know it would kill him) he doesn't know what to do. He's ready to just give her the money to get her to stop. Anyone deal w/ anything like that.

 

[kdibattista]

Wow... all I have to say is wow Now I see why you don't have much of a relationship .

Honestly, I would never for something like that. We have, however, had issues with MIL and FIL and their "future plans". We have helped on occassion but will not do so anymore because we see how irresponsible they can be. We have discussed financing life insurance policies for them (they don't have them ) because I think it would be better for us now then to have to deal with aftermath in the event something happens.

Good luck

 

[Nancy]

In that situation no I would not. 1500.00 a month for over 6 months possible? Never woulkd happen even if I did have that kind of money floating around. Some people don't even make that much in one month!

I can't believe she called your mother to ask how much you have in the bank...that is ballsy.

She needs to sell off her possessions, her other house and maybe even the house they live in now and get something smaller and cheaper...rent an apartment....anything but borrow more money.

 

[Wishing on a star]

he doesn't know what to do. He's ready to just give her the money to get her to stop. Anyone deal w/ anything like that.

OMG!!! Giving her any money would not get her to stop... Once she sees that the "Bank is open" Then she will simply think that she could pull into the drive-thru more often!!!

Sorry BANK CLOSED.
Really, that is the only way to handle it.

PS: I feel sorry for your DH. Is it possible that age and lack of clear thinking are affecting your MIL. If so, that is the problem to be addressed. And, especially if this is the case, then you definitely do not want to be throwing money her way.

I suppose you know that any money you gave, well, you would probably never see one dime of it back again.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

The best "help" you can give them is to stand firm in your refusal to "lend" them money. I put lend in quotes because you're not likely to see anything back. $1500 a month for several months is a LOT of money, to me at least! And these people clearly have issues. They aren't destitute--their money is just tied up in things they don't want to part with. Well, life's full of difficult choices! Frankly, they sound like there may be an underlying mental issue, but that's not really for me to say. You're doing the right thing by not enabling them to continue with their lifestyle. I hate to say it, but maybe you'll luck out and they'll cut ties from you? I understand that they're your DH's family, but that doesn't make him responsible for their bad choices. Please stand firm! And try to support your DH in standing firm--this must be hard for him.

 

[Pam]

Do your MIL a huge favor (as well as you and your DH) and do not give her a red cent. Don't do it!!!!!!

Your suggestions to her are excellent ones - sell the cars, the collectibles, have a garage sale. You are not responsible to finance her out-of-control spending addictions - don't be her enabler!

Can you get Caller ID or something and start screening your calls? I personally would not answer the phone every time she called. And I would have your Mom tell her that she [the MIL] is violating the bank's privacy agreement by trying to gather your financial agreement.

Good luck -- don't let your DH cave in and give her the money. You know she won't reimburse you -- and she's not going to change her spending habits now -- she'll just keep draining the two of you. Hold your ground and let her and her BF get themselves out of this mess.

 

[Southern4sure]

I have loaned money to family when they really really need it. Your MIL does not "need' it. She has options she can take. I would never loan to anyone they way you described your MIL. She sounds spiteful and nosey. The nerve of calling your mom to know the balance of your accounts...... That alone should answer your question.

 

[sajetto]

Absoultely not!!! They should have known in the beginning what they were doing. With the debt they are in you'll never see your monthly $1500 again. Paying off the debt to a lending institution comes before you b/c they can foreclose on their house. Trust me its no loan, it'll be one major gift to someone you don't have a relationship with. If it were me I'd tell her to stop her guilt trip, get her butt a job, sell her stuff to get out of debt, and take her sob story to someone else.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I never loan money. If they need it and I can afford to never see it again, then I give it to them. Sometimes I get it back and other times not.

OP - In your case I would not do it, especially since your DH is against it. It is his Mom and he has already told her no. Plus she seems to make poor financial choices and I think if you give it to her now, she will ask forever.

 

[Cthia]

I've lended money to my family but nothing to the extent that your MIL is asking for and I always got the money back.

I would stand firm and not give her the money. You are only enabling to get further into debt and you know that you will never see that money. She is basically asking you to take money that is for your family, why should you suffer also.

I can't get over that she would even call you mom to check on your account. Sorry but that is just wrong. Glad that your mom can't give that information.

What if something comes up and you need that money, what will you do? It is time for her to actively get her home sold and start selling off her collections, etc.

You should look into getting caller ID so you know when she calls you don't have to answer the phone.

I hope your DH stays strong and says no.

Good luck.

 

[4cruisin]

Do your MIL a huge favor (as well as you and your DH) and do not give her a red cent. Don't do it!!!!!!

Your suggestions to her are excellent ones - sell the cars, the collectibles, have a garage sale. You are not responsible to finance her out-of-control spending addictions - don't be her enabler!

Can you get Caller ID or something and start screening your calls? I personally would not answer the phone every time she called. And I would have your Mom tell her that she [the MIL] is violating the bank's privacy agreement by trying to gather your financial agreement.

Good luck -- don't let your DH cave in and give her the money. You know she won't reimburse you -- and she's not going to change her spending habits now -- she'll just keep draining the two of you. Hold your ground and let her and her BF get themselves out of this mess.

Ditto

Your MIL has some serious issues. Loaning her money will only compound those issues. I would try to cut ties as much as possible. Tell her that it is unacceptable for her to call anyone regarding your financial information and that it will not be tolerated.

I would use the caller i.d. and not take her calls. If you (or dh) do speak to her, as soon as the money issue comes up, end the conversation.

Good Luck. It's not easy dealing with needy relatives.

BTW, the only time we loaned family money was to bail my dh's brother out of jail........should have left him there. I felt bad because he had 3 small children and I thought that it would be a wake up call for him. Let's just say he should have stayed there. My dh did not want to use our money to bail him out but I pushed the issue. Dh threatened his brother that if he jumped bail, he would track him down. I told bil if my dh didn't find him, I would and jail would be the least of his worries at that point. The guy is still a loser 5 years later and we have no contact with him at all.

 

[momofmmsd5]

I agree with Mickeyfan. When we "LOAN" money we really are giving it to the family member knowing we will not get it back. If we do it's great and if not there are no hurt feelings. In this case I wouldn't do it. It will not be helping in anyway.
We just had to say no to DH nephew when he asked to "borrow" money for his first car.

 

[Crankyshank]

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be" is my motto. Especially when it comes to family. I've seen too many issues arise from borrowing money from family or loaning money to family.

Your MIL has a problem. I'm almost wondering if she has some sort of mental illness based on the extreme behavior you posted. Giving her money would only encourage her to continue down that spiral

 

[C.Ann]

My MIL called me last night to ask if I could please help her out. She says she's been trying to get dh to help, but he just says we don't have it. First, you have know MIL and I have absolutely NO relationship to speak of. We tolerate one another on polite terms.

Anyhow, her and her BF bought a house 18 months ago that was so out of their budget. Also, they didn't sell her house, and now have 2 mortgages. She doesn't work, she's on Social Security for a supposed bad back.

Now, in the last 3 years they've gotten 2 "consolidation loans" for their credit cards. Only to turn right around and open more. She admitted to me last night that they have both mortgages, these 2 loans, and 12 credit cards they're paying on. Between her SS and BF's take home pay- they're pulling about $2600-3000/mo w/ the new houses mortgage at $1600/mo. First, I'd love to know how they even got the mortgage. They don't make enough to support it. So, she says the cards are maxed out (they've been living off them), they can't get anymore credit, and they don't have enough to make ends meet. She wants to know if we could float her $1500 a month from now through the end of summer. She was badgering me. I told her point blank we didn't have it. She questioned me about our upcoming summer trip (she asked why we couldn't cancel), she questioned me about my wisdom tooth removal coming up that we're paying cash for (um- I need that thank you- she wanted me to reschedule for fall). She questioned everything right down to if I was buying any new summer clothing- and why we couldn't/wouldn't forego.

I should throw in there they own 7 cars (4 being somewhat rough condition vintage cars). They also own a ton and I mean a ton of collectible toys from the 50's and 60's they don't want to part with. Brand new in packages. They also own bags and boxes full of gadegts and dollar store items. I'm talking 1000's of items. They are serious pack-rats. So, my solution is-- sell some of the cars, start ebaying those toy's which you've said you're gonna do for the last 5 yrs. Then have one massive garage sale for the rest. MIL owns a 1960 something (I think) Mustang dh really wants. That doesn't even run. He said he'd give her money in exchange for the car. She said they ARE NOT selling anything. I should also mention the BF is going out of town for 3 days this weekend to some big sports card show-- where he will buy (with what I don't know).

Anyhow, she's calling everyday now asking for money. Coming up with some new guilt trip. She went as far as calling my mom (who is a bank manager where we bank) to see if my mom could tell MIL how much money dh and I had in our savings. Of course mom told her she wasn't allowed to divulge that info. DH has put his foot down, but aside from cutting ties w/ her (fine by me, but I know it would kill him) he doesn't know what to do. He's ready to just give her the money to get her to stop. Anyone deal w/ anything like that.

--------------------------------------

I help people who are willing to "help themselves".. These people are doing NOTHING to help themselves.. Just the toys alone would probably bring in a small fortune on eBay..

I would not give them ONE DIME - and I don't think your DH should either.. Once they have sold off everything they don't need; paid off whatever they can with the proceeds; have gotten rid of ALL of their credit cards; have sold one or the other of the houses (even if they have to take a loss); sold all but one reliable car; I might reconsider - because they would actually be doing something to improve their situation..

Otherwise? NOT ONE PENNY !!!!!

Wow! THAT is nerve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[NMAmy]

Wow. I'm sort of at a loss for words and all I can say is Wow. It takes a lot of gall to question how you're spending your own money on frivolities like a wisdom tooth removal instead of financing your MIL's lifestyle--not to mention the call to your mom to try to find out your bank balances.

Don't give her a dime. She has the means to get out of this situation on her own--and her situation will continue if she doesn't do it. Which means she would continue to come to you to finance her lifestyle.

I do feel badly for your dh. It must be really difficult for him.

I don't lend money to family or to anyone for that matter. If I can afford to help, I give the money as a gift. I tell the recipient that I don't want it back--just help someone else out in the future if they need it. That way there are no expectations on my part and no bad feelings either way.

 

[golfgal]

She sounds like my sister who thinks that just because we have money, they are entitled to some of it. She is constantly begging people for money. Her in-laws got so tired of it they finally paid off their house for them and told them that was their part of their inheritance and never to call again. So what does she do, sells the house, buys a new one, guts the thing and now has a $300,000 mortgage that they can't pay, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

I won't give anyone money if they can't manage what they have. Now, if my other sister, who is the biggest tightwad, saver you have ever known needed money because of something like unexpected medical bills, I would gladly help out.

Giving them money is never a good idea because they will NEVER learn!!!!!

 

[escape]

You've received some good advice here. Just a reinforcement - DON'T DO IT!

I think your relationship could be more strained after the fact because you know she won't have the means to pay you back. If you did end of loaning her money, just be prepared to write it off because you will never see it again.

I do agree with the other posters - she can sell off some items. She could move back into her old house and sell the new one. There are ways she can get money. She got herself into this mess, she can get herself out of it without dragging others down with her.

 

[Morganpics]

Please, please, please!!! Look in the mirror and practice "NO". Not "no because" or anything else. Just NO. I agree with most of the other posters that they are doing nothing to help themselves. She sounds like a real piece of work. Don't do it.

 

[Poohnatic]

Please, please PLEASE tell your DH that giving her money to 'shut her up' will only make her bug you more. Telling her NO may shut her up-she'll get mad and won't bug you.

I've had the rare occasions where I had enough to lend. Each time, I got burned. I needed the money myself, but was being nice. One person never paid it back-and I had to ask myself what was more important: the money or the relationship. Still would be nice to have the thousand bucks, though!

I don't get the parents who expect the kids to bail them out from their own stupidity! Geez, sell the house and she can consolidate the rest of the debts.

Suzanne

 

[antmaril]

After reading your post, all I can think of is WOW.

I would not, under any circumstances, give her one dime.

Don't do it. It's just going to get worse. It won't help at all.

Say "no" and stick to your guns.