Do You Lend Money To Family

[tiff211]

OP, I feel for you as I in the same situation as you are with my mom. I just posted about her last week. She just quit her job and moved away. She has not had a source of income since June but has been relying on the kindness/weakness of others. My brother who just got married and paid for his wedding and honeymoon and now is expecting, gave her some money, my sister emptied out her saving account to give her money and she just called me for $350. I have the money but it's in an online account for emergancies. Our other "extra" money is set aside for our trip and DH's car needs to be fixed and it cost over $600. I told her that I couldn't do it and she sent out an email to all my siblings telling us not to worry that she would be ok but if we still wanted to give her money, my sis had her bank acct #. I have been giving her money since I was 16!!!

I do know it is so hard to tell her no in spite of everything. Every since I did, every dime I have spent on non-essential items, I have felt a pang of guilt. The best thing is to tell her no period, end of story but I also know how hard it is.

 

[Jynohn]

Wow, what a difficult situation. I thought my MIL was bad! I would absolutely loan money to a family member if I had it to spare and they genuinely needed it, but this does not seem to be the case here at all. The fact that your MIL and her boyfriend have done nothing to help themselves while making you feel guilty for the financial choices you and your DH have made is unbelievable. I can't get over the fact that she asked you to cancel your vacation and delay a medical procedure, all while she is unwilling to part with her "toys." Talk about selfish.

I think you're lucky that your DH sees the situation for what it is, instead of running in to "save" his mother. Stand firm agains this woman, because she seems to be one of those "give an inch, take a mile" types.

 

[Disney Doll]

I don't get the idea that you are the problem in terms of the lending of the money. It sounds as if DH will be the one who "caves".

It is obvious to you, us and your DH that MIL has a problem, and a heck of a lot of nerve!!!!! She has nio right to question how you spend your money, she has absolutely no right to call your bank and ask about your finances &/or savings. All that being said, the one who is going to have the hard time is DH. It's his mother. It sounds as if he doesn't have much of a backbone where she is concerned. Your job will be to support him in continuing to be able to say no to her, intercept as many calls as possible, and be the bad guy.

I would do this...when the call turns to talk of money, I'd politely say "I'lll be ending this conversation now. Talk to you soon" and hang up. I would not even entertain her questions about my finances and how I choose to spend my money. It is none of her business, period.

Trust me, it'll take a while, but if you continue this scenario of not discussing the money thing, eventually she'll stop asking. I have a crazy SIL who is similar to your MIL, not in tterms of money so much as in terms of other things she wants or feels she is entitled to. She stubbornly asks for things all the time, and I stubbornly say "I am not entertaining that discussion. Good-bye". She has learned which topics are not up for discussion with me, and our conversations, while much shorter, are also much more pleasant.

I'd also keep a close eye on all the bank books etc. because DH may try and "sneak" her money. The influence of a mother is quite powerful, and the bad ones use that power.

 

[Jessd]

Your MIL has alot of nerve! You work and pay for what you have, why can't she? It is none of her business if you spend your money on a summer trip or have your wisdom teeth pulled and replaced with solid gold ones and put diamond studs in your front teeth. It is your money. She wants you to lend her money until the end of the summer and then what? All of a sudden she won't need it anymore? What will happen is that they will get use to that extra 1500 a month in "free" money. Do you think they are just going to let you off the hook at the end of the summer? And actually calling the bank to get the balance on your accounts?!?!

I agree with all your suggestions you had for her, sell some of the cars, the toys and one of the houses. They have money, it is just tied up.

My MIL always whines how they don't have any money. FIL died 4 years ago. They own a car repair shop (MIL and BIL) and own several cars. We offered to buy a vintage car they have but she said "No, why should you have it just because you have money" It sits there, as do about 6 other cars they own. DH wanted to buy a truck that they had for sale. He offered her what she was asking for it. She said no. Then a week later, she sells the truck for less than her asking price to someone else! She hates for us to get anything. Meanwhile, SIL got those invisible braces, goes to acting, karate, singing and theater classes that they have to pay for. They are constantly doing things to their back yard and go on vacations, and yet, they are broke. They haven't asked us for money, but I would tell them no right off the bat. When they have exhausted all their resources, then maybe I would buy them groceries, but I would not hand over cash. DH cosigned for FIL's funeral and she bearly makes payments on that, so that will be ours to pay off when she goes. (MIL has cancer)

Ok, sorry about my ranting and raving about my in-laws, I really don't like them one bit.

 

[tar heel]

As everyone else has said, you wouldn't be "lending" the $, you would be "giving" the money. Unless your income is in the Bill Gates range, I think you would be crazy to do it.

I read posts like this and feel so fortunate. My parents and in-laws are in great financial shape and will never need to ask their children for $. Even if something catastrophic happened and they needed money (probably not possible with in-laws), they would never ask us for $ until they had sold all the junk you described and had absolutely no other options.

 

[DVC Sadie]

Oh man I feel for both you and your husband. First of all you would not be doing your MIL any favors by "giving" her this money. It would definately be a gift since they have no way to repay the funds. Secondly, they need to learn the difference between "Wants and Needs", until they are able to do so any forthcoming money will just dig them in deeper. Thirdly it takes a lot of gall to ask you to cancel a vacation.

If I had any family member who needed money for a "need" we would gift them the money but would not lend them a dime. If someone wanted the money for a "want" we would just say no.

If any family member tried to find out our bank balances they would be cut off financially forever. That is going to far.

Good luck and I hope your husband learns to say no and to not feel as if he and you have to pay for his mother for the rest of her life.

 

[disneysteve]

Unless your income is in the Bill Gates range, I think you would be crazy to do it.

I think you'd be crazy to do it even if your income IS in the Bill Gates range. Surely, the OP really didn't need to ask all of us to know the right answer in this situation.

Wow! I'd love to see the responses if you posted this scenario over on the Budget Board. We'd have a field day with this over there.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have given money to my own parents. However that was after I went over their bills and hired a real estate agent to sell their house, they were going to lose the house.
Now they are happily in debt in their own apartment. However they are managing better since it is an apartment.

People like that never change. Giving them money will worsen the problem for them & you, as they refuse to help themselves.

Sounds like they are on a "go into debt" bender. Don't contribute!

 

[C.Ann]

Wow! I'd love to see the responses if you posted this scenario over on the Budget Board. We'd have a field day with this over there.

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[floridafam]

No way.

We have given my MIL money but it was for medical reasons and she deserved every penny.

No way would I lend money to a MIL who has done what yours has done. They are only going to get deaper in debt and the money you give them won't make anything better.

Sorry you have to go through this.

 

[olena]

Giving her money will only prolong the inevitable.....whether it be bankruptcy or finally getting some fiscal discipline.

That was TOTALLY tacky of her to call your Mom at the bank and even to ask you to postpone surgery. That just reeks of selfishness. She won't part with any of her possessions she's acquired that helped get her into this mess, but she expects you to make sacrifices.

I wouldn't give her the money, since it will only enable the behavior that got her into this situation. But I am also cautious about helping out friends with money. Sometimes bad things happen and the need stems from unfortunate circumstances. Complete lack of fiscal discipline doesn't qualify in my book.

As for me, I don't consider it lendimg when I give money to a friend or relative. When I have helped out, I pretty much expect not to see the money again and am happy when I do.

 

[olena]

I just had a thought. Call the Dr. Phil show and see if they have this theme coming up in the future.

 

[Annie68]

Wow, I give you credit. If my MIL had ever called my bank to see how much we had in our savings & checking accounts, I would have been on the phone telling her off without a moments hesitation.

 

[nealymouse]

Please stick to your guns and stay strong on this one. I agree with all other posters, She needs to sell off stuff.

 

[nana2tots]

Heck No, U Gotta be Crazy!!!!!!

 

[laura001]

Oh WOW!!! I don't think I have ever heard anything so bizarre. There is NO way that I would lend them the money (well, lend is the wrong word because you would never see it).

The only thing I would do is say that I would help them to organize items that they can sell and help them to do it, at least that way you would still be helping, just not financially. Offer to send them to a credit counsellor (perhaps you could pay for that?)

Other than that, I believe you need to stay firm!!!!

Good luck! Hope it all works out.

 

[laura001]

I just had a thought. Call the Dr. Phil show and see if they have this theme coming up in the future.

Great Idea!!!!

 

[Keli]

I don't understand why your MIL will need 1500 a month for the next six months to make it and yet not need that money after that point. What is going to happen? Is she putting one or both of the houses up for sale and hoping to have them sold by that point? Does she believe she will make a profit and be able to pay you back then?

I don't know how I would handle this if it were my parents. I don't think you should finance her lifestyle by any means but if she is trying to downsize and willing to do some painful stuff to get there and I could swing the money then I would be sorely tempted to help her. I don't think I would give money just to keep her afloat if she wasn't willing to help herself. Then you are just enabling her to keep a lifestyle that isn't good for her and is just prolonging the enevitable.

 

[ducklite]

Based on what you are saying, I would NOT lend them a dime. They are a disaster in the making, and need to dig themselves out of their hole. You would only be enabling them to get further in the hole.

Anne

 

[Shugardrawers]

How exactly does your MIL think she will repay you? And what exactly is so much more important about sports cards and toys than your wisdom tooth extraction??

In this case, defer to your Dh. He has already said no. He knows his mother quite well. If you give in you'll be bled dry the rest of your lives. Who needs a relationship with a selfish leech? You have children to feed, clothe and house.