Do you get along with your mom?

[ticktock]

She is grumpy but at the same time tries to convince everyone else what a great life she had/has.

She is good to the kids I just hope her opinions dont affect how they look at people. I had to undo some damage she caused after the Obama election....OMG ......I dont even know where to begin. Trying to explain to an 8 year old that the liberals were not brainwashing her in school....

*cough*globalwarming*cough*

 

[pearlieq]

I try to defend the people she talks about and this makes her VERY mad. I am just trying to get her to see things with an open mind and open eyes.

I appreciate what your instinct might be in that situation, but I found that for me it's a lot more pleasant for everyone if I don't engage and don't waste my energy trying to get her to change what she thinks.

Think about it. She's entitled to her opinions, just like you are. No one really has any right to tell her to change what she thinks and feels. It's not your job to "fix" her to try to make her into what you believe is a better person. It's your job try to have a decent relationship with her, or, if that isn't possible, to protect yourself and get away from her.

With that being said, I understand how annoying it's got to be to listen to her putting people down all the time. But you can only control your reactions and behavior. You can communicate to her that you don't want to be part of that kind of conversation or spend time putting people down.

*Imaginary family gathering*

Mom: "Did you see Aunt Jenny's new boyfriend? What a greasy loser!

You: "I don't want to talk about Aunt Jenny's new boyfriend. Did you try the lasagna? It was amazing!"

Mom: <ignores your comment about the lasagna>. "What do you mean you don't want to talk about him? He looks like a jerk. And what's up with those ugly plaid pants? I can't believe she's bringing trash like that home."

You: "I don't want to talk about Aunt Jenny's new boyfriend. I'm going to go get another soda."

10 minutes later you run into her by the desserts...

Mom: "Apparently he's a plumber. Gross! And he laughs like a hyena"

You: "Like I said before, I don't want to talk about this. I'd love to visit with you if we can talk about something else. So, are you going to have the cake or the pie?"

Mom: "What? You're too good to talk to me?"

You: "I think I'm going to try the cake. I'll see you later Mom." Go hang out with someone else for the rest of the night.


It's not easy, and there may be some tension and a time when you guys don't hang out. But if you want a chance to change the script with her, you need to set boundaries and enforce them.

Good luck!

 

[wendypooh]

You are making me feel better about my mom I am joking, I am really sorry. That is just crazy!

LOL - no worries!!! I was like - I'll take her mom.......... she isn't THAT bad!!! LOL

But it did start that way, or at least that is how I remember it....... she ALWAYS talked trash about EVERYONE - and I mean family, friends - everyone!!! Then it just escalated more and more - she is horrible and finally accepting that wasn't easy. But, I had to - and you have NO idea how much happier and healthier my life is.

 

[DSNLvR]

Since you know she does this.....and I know what my mom does....


You cut her off at her first statement. Pointing out the hypocracy is useless. She hasn't gotten it...she wont' get it.

Much like my mom doesn't get why she's problematic. I can't correct her. She doesn't see anything wrong. Now I know where I get my "I need to be right " attitude from. It's darn annoying and I am working on it. I have no desire to be her by the time I am in my 50s.

Oh my biggest fear is that I will become her. I used to be very judgemental of everyone....then I grew up and realized everyone...well...most everyone is just doing the best they can or know how to do. I get frustrated with people too of course but if it doesn't directly affect me I try not to harp on it and certainly dont bring it up to other people. I grew out of this. I dont understand why at 52 she cant/wont.

She really doesn't see that she is being a bitter old lady. I used to tease her because literally every next door neighbor we've ever had...she has called the police on them for one reason or another.

I tried showing her this isn't always the best way to handle things. For example the town put in a water line a few years ago, they replanted the grass after they dug up the yard. She was convinced they planted weeds and not grass. She reported them. A week later the dog warden was at her door because her dog wasn't licensed, a few days later she got a fine for having an unregistered vehicle on her property. I said ma, you pissed off the wrong people.

 

[DSNLvR]

Without getting too political, my mother and I have those differences as well.

My only issue is that she makes very public generalizations about her opposition that are demeaning and rude. So I have some fun and challenge her on that. It isn't very nice--but when you take it public, it's on, you know!

I know I'm not going to change her--but I only point out holes in what she says. Then she says--"well, I'm not talking about people like you".

Alrighty then.

LOL My mom does the same thing. Her opinions are usually whatever her boyfriend wants her to believe when it comes to politics and I really dont care but dont convince my daughter at age 8 that she doesn't need to recycle or that Obama is ruining this country. Even if you believe that, and even if it is true DONT SAY THAT TO AN 8 YEAR OLD! My God. LOL

 

[wendypooh]

gotta run............. I enjoyed chatting!!! I hope things get better for you.

I'll check back later to see the rest of the thread!!!

 

[DSNLvR]

*cough*globalwarming*cough*

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Maybe this is what I need to do. I have recently stopped telling her things about my life because I know if she wasn't talking to me, she was talking about me...so I stopped giving her ammo. That is hard to say about your mom but it is what it is. I can tell from her "sneaky" questions she is digging for something. But I'm not sharing, this drives her crazy as well.

I suppose she will never change.

I had to stop giving details as well...which sadly has cut down on phone conversations.

I was going through therapy for PTSD and she was my link as we were trying to figure out my initial trauma.

She got sick of hearing all about bad stuff all the time. DD is ADHD and we briefly had her on meds and my mom had a cow. But my son was placed in speech at 20 months and my mother had a whale...as anti-ritalin as she is (we didn't use that and I refused to tell my mother which meds we were using for dd), you would have thought that with my son in speech that I was having him snort cocaine or something. She got so nasty and mean on how inappropriate that was. I was stunned.

She only wanted to hear "good things". Unfortunately she told me this at a very dark moment in my PTSD therapy. I took it as a sign that her own psychiatric/psychological issues would prevent her from being there.

I need someone to support me--not someone who only wants to fluff. So now she gets nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

I don't even tell her that my son is talking--as a direct result of his speech therapy.

I don't tell her DD is doing well despite her challenges and I don't bother to say she is unmedicated. (she'd take credit for the choice when her thoughts had no influence on our decision.)

I don't even tell her about my middle child who adores performing. My mother has twisted even that good news--with the fact that she is simply craving attention as a middle aged child. Never mind that she has demonstrated an adoration for performing since 18 months of age. She didn't become a middle child until she was 3.5. She dressed for all of my older daughter's dance classes despite being too young to take the class. She was allowed to begin early when she was 2.5 (typical age is 3).

It's pretty sad the way my mother twists everything. There is more, but it just gets beyond ridiculous.

 

[DSNLvR]

I appreciate what your instinct might be in that situation, but I found that for me it's a lot more pleasant for everyone if I don't engage and don't waste my energy trying to get her to change what she thinks.

Think about it. She's entitled to her opinions, just like you are. No one really has any right to tell her to change what she thinks and feels. It's not your job to "fix" her to try to make her into what you believe is a better person. It's your job try to have a decent relationship with her, or, if that isn't possible, to protect yourself and get away from her.

With that being said, I understand how annoying it's got to be to listen to her putting people down all the time. But you can only control your reactions and behavior. You can communicate to her that you don't want to be part of that kind of conversation or spend time putting people down.

*Imaginary family gathering*

Mom: "Did you see Aunt Jenny's new boyfriend? What a greasy loser!

You: "I don't want to talk about Aunt Jenny's new boyfriend. Did you try the lasagna? It was amazing!"

Mom: <ignores your comment about the lasagna>. "What do you mean you don't want to talk about him? He looks like a jerk. And what's up with those ugly plaid pants? I can't believe she's bringing trash like that home."

You: "I don't want to talk about Aunt Jenny's new boyfriend. I'm going to go get another soda."

10 minutes later you run into her by the desserts...

Mom: "Apparently he's a plumber. Gross! And he laughs like a hyena"

You: "Like I said before, I don't want to talk about this. I'd love to visit with you if we can talk about something else. So, are you going to have the cake or the pie?"

Mom: "What? You're too good to talk to me?"

You: "I think I'm going to try the cake. I'll see you later Mom." Go hang out with someone else for the rest of the night.


It's not easy, and there may be some tension and a time when you guys don't hang out. But if you want a chance to change the script with her, you need to set boundaries and enforce them.

Good luck!

That is true. I always feel so bad for these people, most of them have no idea she is so mean to them behind their backs so I feel like I need to get her to see why they may be doing what they are doing. I really need to do what you suggest. I will try it. Thank you!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

That is true. I always feel so bad for these people, most of them have no idea she is so mean to them behind their backs so I feel like I need to get her to see why they may be doing what they are doing. I really need to do what you suggest. I will try it. Thank you!

Unfortunately it cannot be fixed.

Now--it took a therapist to teach me this. But it is true.


She's entitled to have an opinion even if it is wrong to speak of people as she does.

Once you begin to refuse to engage it and stick to your guns (and that excellent script)--they eventually get it.

Or they don't.

I will warn you that my mother began wondering why were are estranged.

Sometimes, people don't take hints too well. But as long as they stop engaging in the inappropriate discussion, they are getting it on some subconcious level.

 

[FergieTCat]

I appreciate my mother much much more now that I'm adult. My father passed away 7 years ago and I speak to her several times a week.

 

[SCHBR'smom]

My mother and I get along fine. We're not incredibly close, but we don't argue either. The woman REALLY gets on my nerves, but she has the best of intentions and I know she'd do anything for my family. I try to control my annoyance.

 

[GothTink]

No - we've NEVER gotten along at all. Nor has she & my sister - my mom should've NEVER had kids - she is NOT loving, supportive, or anything at all motherly. She'd MUCH prefer to not have anything to do with us or her grandkids - years ago, I decided it would be better for my fam. to have NOTHING to do with her - my poor sister finally came to the same conclusion a few years ago.

Sometimes that's just the way it is........... for everyone who is close - I'm happy for you - I am VERY close to my aunt though - she is the "mother" figure in my life - and NO ----- NONE of my moms sisters have anything to do with her - nor does my dads sisters. She is frankly a horrible person - sometimes people are.

It's hurtful - I'd LOVE to have my mom be my mom........ but it never has been that way, never will be that way and it is what it is.

Sometimes it's better to just completely let the relationship go.......... especially when it's so toxic and a constant upset - you have to know when to say - this isn't worth it. ( and no, I didn't say that lightly - it had been YEARS in the making).

I'm not sure why you asked the question........... but, my guess is, your relationship is "strained" ---- you have to decide how much abuse you can take - and remember you don't deserve or have to take ANY - just because she's your mom - doesn't give her a "free pass" to treat you (or your kids) badly.

Do we have the same mom?

 

[Angelhalo]

My mom is one of my best friends. It wasn't always that way...we became much closer when I went away to college. Now that I am 30 she's my shopping and pedicure buddy and we even go on vacations together. I see her at least once a week if not 2 or 3 times depending on what's going on.

 

[Ephany]

Not really, I love my mom, but I don't think I'd pick her as a friend KWIM? I firmly believe if she was born in a later time, she wouldn't have had children. Whenever we talk there's this undercurrent of 'it's not fair' coming from her and she frequently complains of 'not having the opportunities' us kids have had. I think she's resentful that her life didn't work out the way she thinks it should have. She's one of the oldest of 12 and has said on more than once occasion that she got married to stop changing diapers and taking care of her younger siblings. She's always the victim, no matter the circumstances.

She's also one of those people who needs to feel that they're needed, so she's always attracting people who are takers. This usually leads to drama and she just doesn't understand that she sets herself up as an enabler and someone to be taken advantage of. She'll call and complain for hours on how my sister treats her, but yet refuses to stop being a drop-in babysitter for my niece (my sister will literally show up at the door, hand her the baby and then drive off without asking or any kind of notice) or paying off my sister's creditors. She's also bought large, expensive gifts for people she thinks are her friends, who then disappear after draining her financially or emotionally. Most of the time I'm very glad we live far apart, I just can't handle being dragged into all of her drama.

 

[wendypooh]

Do we have the same mom?

LOL - for your sake I hope not!!!!

Seriously, I woudn't wish her on anybody!!!

 

[wendypooh]

Unfortunately it cannot be fixed.

Now--it took a therapist to teach me this. But it is true.


She's entitled to have an opinion even if it is wrong to speak of people as she does.

Once you begin to refuse to engage it and stick to your guns (and that excellent script)--they eventually get it.

Or they don't.

I will warn you that my mother began wondering why were are estranged.

Sometimes, people don't take hints too well. But as long as they stop engaging in the inappropriate discussion, they are getting it on some subconcious level.

My Mom did that at first too......... and she did it with my sister as well........ she acted like she had NO CLUE why we don't speak to her. DUH

I even had a meltdown one day and let her have it......... all of it - it didn't help matters though, she called me every HORRIFIC name in the book - cursed me up and down and then slammed the phone down. After that my dad called - asking me what MY problem was.................... LOL

He got an earful too............ I was VERY angry for a long time and continued to engage in conversations about her with other relatives, etc..... she would call them, cause I wouldn't speak to her, and start all sorts of crap - finally, like I said, a lightbulb went off or something and I realized - I don't have to do this - I can stop this - so I did. If anyone brings her up to me, they get shut down real quick - but, they've all learned not too and don't anymore. Plus, they all know how she is - and those who didn't fully - do now.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Not really, I love my mom, but I don't think I'd pick her as a friend KWIM? .

I wouldn't pick my mom either--but not necessarily for the reasons we are speaking of that makes the relationship rocky.

She has a loooooooooooooonnnnnnngggggggggg history of not getting along with women. Lots of male friends (yes, plutonic ones despite her 5 marriages, 1 affair with a married man, 1 relationship with a divorcing then single man and a sprinklng of who knows what...).

But female friends....the few relationships I saw always ended badly. One though, I couldn't blame her--but she did handle it poorly. A woman lost her son to leukemia and she stayed in our home for 2 months. My mother was doing everything for everybody and we were all slobs. But the things she said were just so heartless and done so wrongly. I lost my best friend who was sleeping over at the time and this poor woman who was still grieving upped and left and took my friend home along the way. My mother was just serioulsy overwhelmed with the trashed condition of our home. But whoa nelly, sensitivity was NOT her strongest subject in the school of hard knocks.

She has one female friend now, but she comes with a husband. My mom and she supposedly are really good friends--but it's one of those relationships where they refer to each other as a witch (word that rhymes) frequently.

Whatever floats her boat. But really no other female friends to speak of unless they are tagalong girlfriends or spouses of her husbands friends.

I can't imagine that we could be friends outside of family at all. We're just different kinds of people.

 

[wendypooh]

You know that's funny, my mom doesn't have any female friends either. She had one that was really close when we were younger - I really liked her, still send her Christmas cards in fact, but - it ended VERY badly - I'm not sure of all the details either - but, she's never gotten along with women either - her sisters or sil's .

 

[pipersmom]

I won't go into the whooooole story, but my mom and I definitely have a love-hate relationship. Suffice it to say she didn't tell me about my father's death until a month after it happened (they were divorced when I was 4. I did see him at least yearly and I was 15 when he passed away), she didn't speak to me for four months after I moved out of the house and to Ohio to be closer to my soon to be husband, did not attend the wedding, and did not come to see my daughter (or myself) right after my dd was diagnosed with CF. None of this stopped us from having a relationship simply because I let it roll off my back. I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but at some point I realized my tears were not going to change who she is. When I separated I moved back to VA, even lived with her for a year to get back on my feet. I learned early on with my mom that I have to choose my battles. I have forgiven her those things, but I now have very few expectations of her. If we're on the phone and she starts in on people, (including myself), I simply end the conversation and will not talk to her again that day. The same goes for when we visit her, I will get up, get dd ready, and we leave. There are times I could scream I get so frustrated, but she's also been very good to myself and dd, it's just that the price of that (the criticism, etc) always has to be paid, lol. The way I look at it she is my mother, she's the only mother I will ever have, and odds are, I will never be able to change who she is. I may not always like our relationship, but I will not die having had any regrets in regards to her. I love her dearly for what she's done for me, and accept the rest as part and parcel of who she is. Some of you may call me crazy, but I can't imagine being happy with any other type of relationship (or lack thereof) with her.