@Mackenzie Click-Mickelson (not quoting because I wanted to reply to all of it)
I’ll be honest that in my experience, the women/moms I know do most of the holiday magic making. They pick and wrap the gifts, remember the traditions, and keep everything together. But I used the term gift giver intentionally, because I know what I see isn’t universal, not everyone is in a hetero relationship, and even when they are, the person doing most of the emotional/holiday labor isn’t always a woman.
As for stockings, yes, I would feel upset if mine were empty, but that doesn’t mean I want it filled out of obligation. And I don’t think my family sees it as an obligation anyway. I asked them tonight if they’d feel unloved if I stopped doing stockings one year, and they said no but they would be concerned, because it would be so out of character for me.
But cards on the table- one of my traditions is hand making every bow for the gifts each year. It's something I would honestly have given up years ago but it is my daughter’s favorite thing each year (and I love to make her happy more than I hate making them) but a few years ago I was in a pretty severe depression. I managed to plan gifts and wrap some of them (the boys did the bulk) but I could not find the energy to make those bows (getting out of bed was very hard). The second night my daughter is home from college? I go to the living room to find her teaching the boys how to make those stupid handmade bows. They made sure EVERY gift had one. (She knew I would feel bad if the bows didn't happen, while she loves those bows, what she wanted was for me to feel like it was okay if I wasn't 100% at the moment, that they could take something off my plate)
Sometimes making sure every gift has a bow is how we show up for each other. This year my daughter is struggling to manage everything at grad school and the best thing I could do besides listen at 3 AM when she needed to cry? Move the pressure off of coming home for Thanksgiving (saving her 7+ hours on the road) and we will just do Thanksgiving in December after finals. Showing up for her is making sure she knows that her well being is the priority and the dinner can wait.
I think it’s important to give grace when people genuinely can’t show up but there’s also nothing wrong with expecting small gestures, like filling a stocking. If stockings are mostly candy and tiny items, the bar is pretty low, and a partner or older child could easily do it.
I also don’t believe men are incapable of thoughtful gifts- far from it. Many of the comments in this thread sound like people gave up asking, or took over because their partners wouldn’t bother, and that’s sad. I love giving gifts, not to “win,” but because a thoughtful gift can make someone feel deeply seen.
Last year my family gave me something that every friend warned my husband was a terrible idea. They did it anyway, because they knew me! It was the most perfect gift I’ve ever received (one that would’ve infuriated most wives, but I get teary every time I see it). A good gift doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else. It just has to fit the person.
As for my friend, I’m trying to figure out how to help. She’s not “okay” with it so much as she’s resigned to the fact that no one in her home will think to fill her stocking. If she lived in my state (or within 6 hr driving distance), I’d take her 8 yo shopping to pick something out. I don’t know her husband well enough to talk to him, and sending her stocking stuffers risks causing tension if he notices (he already doesn’t like me). It’s complicated and sad, and I don’t know what the right move is but I hate seeing someone feel so unseen. She does SO much for her husband and child and she deserves a few small items in her stocking.
And gave us a use for all that cool paper!
) open theirs first b/c once they were old enough we made an agreement that if they hit the button to start the coffee brewing they could then give us a shout-out to wake up while they opened their stockings.
). I enjoy shopping for stocking stuffers-it's usually treats, jars of foodie items they enjoy or just something I think they might need (one year it was a window breaker/seatbelt slicer for each driver).
