Do you do this with your kids?

[Marseeya]

For those with more than one child, do you insist that they have to be involved in everything equally?

A little background: we told DD that she might be able to take a friend with us on our WDW trip, fully intending that we'd pay for the child's entire trip, except spending money. Of DD's two best friends, only one would be able to afford spending money. Before we could warn DD NOT to tell her friends about this, she asked one of them (the one with no money) if she could go, and the mother said only if we take the older sister. Needless to say, I had to explain to DD that she was not to discuss this trip with anybody again!

Tonight, DD was asking me if she cleaned her bedroom if she could have her friend sleep over. I told her she could have one friend if she did. Again, she asked the friend and the mother said not without the older sister.

Have any of you heard of people who do this? I feel really bad for my DD's friend if she can't do anything without her sister. I really wouldn't mind doing more for this girl, but I don't know... it just feels like such an imposition to be expected to take on another kid.

I'm just curious about other people's opinions on this. I don't mean to sound like a scrooge or anything.

 

[robertsmom]

My mom did exactly this, but with my younger (by 2 years) sister. I couldn't go anywhere or do things without her tagging along. My mom always said it was to keep my little sis's feelings from being hurt, but I hated it and it caused me to resent my sister a lot. It still bugs me when I think about it, and I am 30 now! (LOL - maybe I should look into therapy.) That mom is building up lots of hard feelings between her DD's, and she may not even know it.

 

[cepmom]

that's annoying! I would never expect anyone that invited DD8 over to take DD5 also! Siblings are individuals...there is no need for the sister to tag along everytime! I mean, if the mother didn't want it to be unfair that one girl went away to Disney and not the other, that's one thing, but for her to say "only if her sister can go too" is over the top!

DD8 has a friend that has a younger sister ~ the younger sister cries everytime DD invites her friend over and sometimes the mother will ask "can Olivia come over too? She is so sad..." Fortunately, Olivia is about the same age as DD5 and they all get along well, so no harm.

I guess I am just mean, because when one of the girls gets invited somewhere and the other is upset or wants to go too, I tell them "No ~ only xx was invited. You will have a chance to do that with your own friend another time"

 

[PrincessPatty]

My mom did exactly this, but with my younger (by 2 years) sister. I couldn't go anywhere or do things without her tagging along. My mom always said it was to keep my little sis's feelings from being hurt, but I hated it and it caused me to resent my sister a lot. It still bugs me when I think about it, and I am 30 now! (LOL - maybe I should look into therapy.) That mom is building up lots of hard feelings between her DD's, and she may not even know it.

I totally agree with this. The same thing went for my sister and I. From the time I turned 16 (drivers license) my sister was CONSTANTLY with me. When my mom would tell her she wasnt allowed and she would start to cry, my DAD would allow her to come and like Robertsmom said, today at 24, I still hold some resentment towards her. I think that kids should have their own friends and their own lives.

 

[poohandwendy]

No, I would never do that...OMG, I can't believe that people would. I mean, who wants to be the forced third wheel? How does that really spare anyones feelings? I mean, it takes some serious guts to try to add another child to a vacation invitation...holy cow!!!

I suspect it has more to do with getting a few of the kids out of the moms hair...to be honest.

I would not go along with it. (is this the same 'friend'? Because I don't think I would be extending any more invitations to her, if that is the only way her mom will allow her to accept an invite)

 

[luv2nascar]

I don't think she should have to take sister. Let sister make her own friends and activities. Its one thing if she is invited but to insist that's bold.

 

[Marseeya]

My mom did exactly this, but with my younger (by 2 years) sister. I couldn't go anywhere or do things without her tagging along. My mom always said it was to keep my little sis's feelings from being hurt, but I hated it and it caused me to resent my sister a lot. It still bugs me when I think about it, and I am 30 now! (LOL - maybe I should look into therapy.) That mom is building up lots of hard feelings between her DD's, and she may not even know it.

I hadn't thought of it that way. My mom didn't do it to that extreme, but I had to "watch" my sister a lot, which meant if I wanted to go anywhere, she had to go too. I wonder how it felt to your sister (or mine) to be the tagalong.

 

[pixiemomma]

I do know people who do this but they use it as a ploy to hoist their kids on someone else for a night out. When by 6 yr old had his first sleepover at a friend's house, the parents did offer to keep both boys. (It was nice of them but we did not take them up on it.)

 

[Cinderella2004]

Well, here's another side to that story......


My Mother did the same thing to me, my younger sister always came along........why????? Because I was painfully shy, but wanted to go over my friends house....if my Sister came along.

As I got older, I outgrew it. As a matter of fact, when I tell this story to anyone who has just met me, they laugh and say they don't believe it!!

But that may be part of the reason!

 

[dismom9761]

This is sensitive topic with me.My neices (brother's children) are being raised like this and I already see that my niece that is almost nine resents the younger one.They live next door to me.Last weekend DN9 was invited to spend the night with her bestfriend and my SIL said she could onlly go if her sister were invited.The other mom said no so the girl came to spend the night with them.She was not allowed to leave out DN5 at all.She even slept between them.
My children do their own thing.They have their own friends and get the space that they need.

 

[Marseeya]

that's annoying! I would never expect anyone that invited DD8 over to take DD5 also! Siblings are individuals...there is no need for the sister to tag along everytime! I mean, if the mother didn't want it to be unfair that one girl went away to Disney and not the other, that's one thing, but for her to say "only if her sister can go too" is over the top!

The way it was worded really took me aback! I could understand it being unfair, but the way she said it was more of an expectation.

I guess I am just mean, because when one of the girls gets invited somewhere and the other is upset or wants to go too, I tell them "No ~ only xx was invited. You will have a chance to do that with your own friend another time"

Even though I have a boy and a girl, I was the same way. DD would be sad if DS went somewhere, and I'd just tell her that she'd get a chance later. Then I'd distract her and do something fun with her.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I can see if the two girls were hanging out and wanted to go to the corner store, and the mom insisting they take the little sister to "include" her.

But, for the mom to say that about a very EXPENSIVE trip her DD is being invited on, is beyond BOLD. This is the friend you said would not even be able to bring her own spending money, so I guess the mom would expect you to pay 100% of the little sister also? WOW OH WOW!

 

[Marseeya]

I would not go along with it. (is this the same 'friend'? Because I don't think I would be extending any more invitations to her, if that is the only way her mom will allow her to accept an invite)

Yes, it's the same friend in both situations. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it because I feel bad for my DD as well because she really wants to do things with her friend. It's one thing to let both of them come to our house, but if we wanted to take DD's friend anywhere, it would be out of the question. We always try to make sure to have enough money to do fun things (museum, science center, amusement park), and if we come up with extra, we don't mind spending it on a friend for DD and DS. But geez, we're not made of money.

Now, DD's other friend has a sister very close in age, but the mother of those kids doesn't expect us to issue an invitation to both kids. We actually do when we can, but it's not expected at all. But then, this is the other family who has a little bit of money and would chip in on spending money.

 

[Marseeya]

Well, here's another side to that story......


My Mother did the same thing to me, my younger sister always came along........why????? Because I was painfully shy, but wanted to go over my friends house....if my Sister came along.

As I got older, I outgrew it. As a matter of fact, when I tell this story to anyone who has just met me, they laugh and say they don't believe it!!

But that may be part of the reason!

Awwww! That's actually kind of sweet.

 

[mtblujeans]

I do not give my boys 'equal treatment' as they have different interests and friends. I do, however, make the boys go places together if I feel the younger one will not be safe alone.....

 

[Disney Doll]

According to my DSIL(the normal,nice one), she was forced to take her twin(the crazy,evil one) with her when she got invited places. It did cause a lot of resentment, whichis still a problem today.

 

[mom2grace]

I am not suggesting that you do this, but just to add my story.....

Sister is only 13 months younger than I am, I don't ever remember having to do things with each other with friends.......and I think your daughter's friend's mom is out there.

But, I do remember at my 6th or 7th birthday party, a friend's sibling was in the car with her while she was being dropped off, and my mom invited the sibling to the party. I don't know if the sibling came or not, I just have this hazy memory of my mom at the front door calling out to the parent that the sibling could stay for the party! And that's my mom, always very inclusive of everyone!

But, I doubt she would allow sibs on a trip to wdw, one year sister and I each did get to take a friend to WDW. We had plenty of money to share, and we ended up taking friends that did not have very much. I don't know how this was orchestrated, but I am sure my mom had some suggestive powers who we invited, she grew up the oldest of 6 and pretty poor. I am sure my parents paid for everything for both of our friends!

Now I want to ask my parents about that trip! I do remember that my friends were very appreciative.

 

[RitaZ.]

I hate it when parents do that. DS lost a good friend because the boy's brother always had to tag along, their mom insisted on it. I felt bad for DS and his friend. Some parents do this only thinking of themselves, they want a break from all the kids. I think it's wrong, each child should be allowed to develop his/her own friendship without having to take siblings along.

My friend had a party for her son at a place called Boomer's. One of the classmates came to the party and brought along two younger siblings. The party was half way over, you only get so much time in the party room, when the mom just dropped off the kids and left. My friend, being the nice person that she is, didn't say a word. She had to watch over the kids untill mom came to pick them up when the party was over.

If you are having a party at one of those "play places" where you are paying $12 to $15 per child, it really does add up. It's wrong for parents to assume that the whole family is invited and that it also includes free babysitting. It's just rude and inconsiderate.

 

[Marseeya]

But, I doubt she would allow sibs on a trip to wdw, one year sister and I each did get to take a friend to WDW. We had plenty of money to share, and we ended up taking friends that did not have very much. I don't know how this was orchestrated, but I am sure my mom had some suggestive powers who we invited, she grew up the oldest of 6 and pretty poor. I am sure my parents paid for everything for both of our friends!

Now I want to ask my parents about that trip! I do remember that my friends were very appreciative.

I'm not trying to make myself sound like some kind of great humanitarian or anything, but I kind of want to be like your parents and do things for kids who couldn't otherwise afford it. Both of DD's friends are fairly low-income. One is extremely low income, and the other is just temporarily (divorce, mother back in school). We try to do things with the divorced mother, and invite the whole family by coming up with "free" tickets to things. I mean, we'll pay for the tickets and not tell them we did, but they come up with their own money for food and such. We probably couldn't afford to do it if they didn't come up with their own spending money and food money. But this is the parent where if we just invited DD's one friend, she would be perfectly okay with it, because her other kids do have their own friends as well. It makes me feel good to do this; it's kind of like a pay it forward thing because I think of all the things my friends' parents did with me when I was a kid. We weren't poor growing up, but I had some wealthy friends who did a lot of great things that my parents would never do (concerts, trips, museums, etc).

DD's other friend, from what I've learned of them over the years, the mother seems to have the entitlement mentality that some long-term welfare people can get. (trying to be careful not to offend anyone, but we all know that there are a few who can be that way) I just love the DD -- she's as sweet as can be, and I think of the things we could do with her once in a while that she'd otherwise never be able to do, but it would be difficult to have to add another person into the equation.

 

[Marseeya]

According to my DSIL(the normal,nice one), she was forced to take her twin(the crazy,evil one) with her when she got invited places. It did cause a lot of resentment, whichis still a problem today.

I wonder how prevalent it is for twins in general.

I know one mother of twins who insists that her kids be separated in school so that they can have their own friends and their own lives. I'm not sure if I'd go that far if I had twins, but I can sure see her point!