Do you do this with your kids?

[mickeyfan2]

Kids need their own friends. The mom should stop this inclusion. The older sister needs to make friends of her own not be a tag along.

 

[A4Disney]

For those with more than one child, do you insist that they have to be involved in everything equally?

A little background: we told DD that she might be able to take a friend with us on our WDW trip, fully intending that we'd pay for the child's entire trip, except spending money. Of DD's two best friends, only one would be able to afford spending money. Before we could warn DD NOT to tell her friends about this, she asked one of them (the one with no money) if she could go, and the mother said only if we take the older sister. Needless to say, I had to explain to DD that she was not to discuss this trip with anybody again!

Tonight, DD was asking me if she cleaned her bedroom if she could have her friend sleep over. I told her she could have one friend if she did. Again, she asked the friend and the mother said not without the older sister.

Have any of you heard of people who do this? I feel really bad for my DD's friend if she can't do anything without her sister. I really wouldn't mind doing more for this girl, but I don't know... it just feels like such an imposition to be expected to take on another kid.

I'm just curious about other people's opinions on this. I don't mean to sound like a scrooge or anything.

No,I don't so this at all but I know several people that do.It's really rude and I feel bad for the kids involved...

 

[mickeyboat]

My DD's are less than a year apart and both started K this year. I asked that they be put in separate classrooms so they could make their own way and make their own friends. They are always looking out for one another, though. If one gets a sticker at the grocery store, they always ask if they can have another one for their sister.

Last week a birthday party invitation came home for Hannah, Emily was not invited. I explained to the girls that this was something that will probably happen their entire lives, and that the person who was not invited would be able to do something special with Mom and Dad on that day. Emily was o.k. with that.

The next day Hannah went to school and asked the birthday boy if her sister could come to the party, too, and he said yes. So that really put me in a pickle! What I ended up doing was calling the mother and telling her this story and asking her if it was o.k. that Emily came. She said yes, they had a great time.

But after I got off the phone with the mom, I still wasn't sure I had done the right thing. I told the girls that if this happened again, they were not allowed to ask the birthday person if their sister could come. We will have to work on that!

Oh, I can't wait until they are teenagers.

Denae

 

[JVL1018]

Ugh, I would never!!
My daughter gets invited over to her cousin's house..and even THEN with family, I don't ask if DS can stay.
DS gotg invited ot a birthday party and DD was a little upset that he got to go someplace cool without her, but I told her she gets to do lots of things without him(like the aforementioned playdates).

My daughter met a little boy in Kindergarten and was invited for a playdate..and the Mom saw DS wanted to stay and told me it was fine for him to stay, as she has a daughter his age.
So now we switch off between my house and hers once week and I always take both of her kids and she always takes both of mine.

 

[macraven]

i had 3 boys within 4 years, 3 months and did that.

include one, include another when they were between ages 4-8.
the boys were close as best friends and would not go anywhere without each other. there was only one other kid in our block and he wanted all 3 at his house because he couldn't pick which kid to have over.

once they were in grade school, i solved the problem by having which ever friend outside the family that wanted to play/sleep over, just come to our house.

for years, i had 6 kids here day and night playing or sleeping over.

it solved the problem. when the boys started high school, they started keeping different friends and all changed.


our house had a revolving door the way kids would come and go.

 

[golfgal]

I know a lot of people that do this and it drives me NUTS! The poor kids that can never do anything on their own (my sister is like this, invite one over and you have to take 2 others-she wonders why we never invite them over anymore). Kids need to develop their own identity.

When the twins were younger they would always get invites to the same parties because they were twins (they are b/g). I would always call the parent and ask if they really wanted both or if they invited them because they were twins. A couple of their friends were joint friends and then they would both go to a party but neither of them wanted to be the only boy at an all girl party or an only girl at an all boy party.

 

[4greatboys]

Thats just plain rude of the mom to try to get you to take both kids when you only invited one.
My 2 oldest are close to 3 years apart so my oldest was getting invitations to do things long before the little one. Did the little one want to go? Heck yeah but I never would have dreamed of telling another parent that if they invited 1 of my boys they had to take both.
If that parent feels the other child will feel left out then its her job to do something special for the child at home, not yours.

 

[taximomfor4]

I tried to bring my oldest dd's friend (who is also the dd of my friend). She was 12 at the time...her other siblings were 8 and under. My friend said no, because she would feel badly that the oldest went before the others. In a way, I understood that, but I also thought that since she was getting so old so quickly, why make her wait. My friend has not been able to do a trip with the kids and doesn't look like she will in the coming year or 2.

I personally do not hold one kid back so that the others can have the exact same experiences. By the way, I have 4 kids...the last 3 were within 4 years. We have tears (they are VERY close, especially the 6 and 7yo) but I stick to my guns. They can be best friends when together, but have their own friends "out in the world." But we also don't make guests sleeping over include the siblings. Whoever invited the guest entertains the guest. But I guess depending on the kids' ages, that is a tough one. I cannot imagine, say, an 8yo sibling getting to go, while the 7yo sibling stayed home (to WDW.) At that age, I think the 7yo would have a hard time dealing. As for sleeping over, I totally don't get that. Whoever is invited should get to sleep over.

Beth

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

That is just beyond rude--for a WDW trip, which is pricey to begin with, and here, take my other kid, too?

My two oldest both have twins in their grades, the moms never ask if the "extra" twin can come to a party. It's that whole "separate identity" thing. Now, when I have one kid invited someplace fun, I try to make an extra effort to do something good with the other, just to make them feel like I'm enjoying time just with them (which I do).

Just a thought for next time, perhaps you can say to DD, "Would you like to invite Susie to go to WDW with us?", rather than letting your DD pick the friend. That way, you don't get stuck with Janie and Joan!

 

[dizagain]

Wow...I would never expect DD's 9 and 11 to be treated as a "pair". Saying that, I sort of put them in that position for the last four years or so...it so happened that most of my friends were older DD's moms. So, younger DD got included alot in group activities as she was close to these kids too. Now, I'm talking movie visits, waterparks, places I went too, etc...not sleepovers, play dates, and things like that. It actually bugged the younger one more than the older one because she wanted me to be friends with HER friends' moms!

We've moved now, so that's no longer an issue ( ). In our neighborhood now, the girls are all 9, 10, and 11...younger DD is more likely to be playing with the kids because she's more social - even the ones who are older DD's age.

The kids need their own identities and they need to learn to make friends on their own...I feel sorry for that little girl but no, I wouldn't take along the sister just so she could go.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think this harkens to the new style of parenting that some folks use, where their kids can never be disappointed.

It's one thing if you have a bunch of kids in aneighborhood and everybody just starts hanging out and playing together. It's another thing to have someone invite one of your children somewhere and say "Well, Susie can't go unless you take Sally too." It's presumptuous, and poor Susie is never going to get to go anywhere.

Back to my SILs...I think my MIL did that because the crazy evil one wasn't too well-liked and MIL figured that she's have no social life if she didn't tag along with the other one. Like I said though, created a lot of resentment. Didn't cement any relationship between the sisters...if anything, it made the relationship more contentious, and it continues to this day.

 

[Longsx3]

For those with more than one child, do you insist that they have to be involved in everything equally?


I'm just curious about other people's opinions on this. I don't mean to sound like a scrooge or anything.

MY SIL does this, I am just not sure to what extent. He are some examples: We spent Thanksgiving break visiting them and when ever one child got something they all did. We were at the Science Museum one day and we had all split up, my DD had wanted to see some exhibits. When we caught back up DNeice (6) and DNephew (4) both had candy snacks and my DD(9) asked for a snack. So while DSIL & kids went over to the locker we went over to the coffee/snack bar and she chose an eclair. As DSIL & Kids approached I got the look of where's ours? So DNephew starts and DSIL agrees to buy him an eclair and soemthing else fo DNeice because DD was having a snack. Now mind you this is a boy who I had not seen eat a complete meal in over a week...in fact that day at lunch because he did not eat 3 bites of his burger he wasn't getting an snacks...so guess what he gets the eclair and takes one bite and is done...SIL then complains about the cost of the eclair.
This trip she also complained of a friend inviting DNeice and not DNephew to a birthday party.

From an outsides perspective it was very difficult to be around. Besides having to explain to DD, who picked up very quickly as to how my SIL does things, why I didn't get her stuff everytime they got something.

 

[Sandy V.]

I knew someone who did this when I was growing up. Everything had to be "equal" between the two siblings even though there was a 9 YEAR age difference!!

This loon married a woman with a daughter Rebecca and they had a son together named J.J. I can still remember that Rebecca couldn't do things at age 13 because J.J. couldn't do them. J.J. was 4!!!

Needless to say, the stepfather-stepdaughter relationship was a VERY strained one. And I'm sure that it created needless resentment towards the little boy as well.

There's a time and a place for sibling "equality", and there's a time and a place to let them shine as individuals. That mother was WAY out of line and very nervy to suggest that you take the older daughter to WDW.

 

[dbogen]

I can't believe this thread is here. My DS13 is planning his lazer tag b-day party. He found out the one of his friends can't come unless his twin brother is invited. They are in 7th grade for petes sake. I just don't get it, we have had the boy over several times without the twin, so why does he have to come to my sons party????????

Deanna

 

[experiment626mom]

my stepkids mom does this with her youngest daughter (Not dh's child) with everything. She has even wanted us to take her when dh has visitation or when we go on vacation. We don't do it only because she is not related to either one of us and if something happened we would not have the authorization for medical help.

 

[experiment626mom]

my stepkids mom does this with her youngest daughter (Not dh's child) with everything. She has even wanted us to take her when dh has visitation or when we go on vacation. We don't do it only because she is not related to either one of us and if something happened we would not have the authorization for medical help.

She expects the kids to include the youngest one in on everything

 

[cakesnkids]

If one of our children goes somewhere, we just make a point to do something fun with teh child who is left home and the baby, ya know? That's silly, it's undermining the children's individuality, and, as the YOUNGER sister that my mom always made go with my OLDER sister, I HATED IT, my mom thought she was doing good, but I didn't wanna be with her all the time.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I have twins and they get invited to separate places a lot. Sometimes a parent will invite the other one because they feel badly, but I tell them it's not necessary, and then I get to spend some quality time with the one by his or herself (a rarity), or, just set up a play date with another friend. Now granted, they are a boy and a girl which helps, but I think it's important they have their own friends (as well as their shared friends, of which they have several).

OTOH, one time I invited a neighbor's same age son over to play with my son and she pulled the "only if his little brother can come" bit. Here I am trying to do some individual play time for my son and then I have to host the much younger brother who later cried to go home.

To me it's over the top for a parent to not allow a child to go on a trip without the sibling. That is, unless she's looking for a convenient excuse.