Do you check the text messages on teenagers phone?

[lisaross]

Just curious how others go about the smart phones with their teenagers.

My son is 14 - he has an iphone since December --

I randomly check his texts - want to see who he's chatting with and what is going on - i don't check in front of him - though he knows i must know his code to get in and that i can check it at any time...

Wondering if others do the same and in what manner in front of them? how often if at all etc.

 

[Lynne G]

yes I do, both my DD 12 and DS16's phones. I even ask who is ...... I don't feel bad about it either. I pay for the phone and service, and they are my kids, so my rules. Don't like it, get your own and pay for your own. Have not had that offer from either kid yet.

 

[lisaross]

Do u just ask them to hand it over and go thru them with them - or when it is sitting around?

yes I do, both my DD 12 and DS16's phones. I even ask who is ...... I don't feel bad about it either. I pay for the phone and service, and they are my kids, so my rules. Don't like it, get your own and pay for your own. Have not had that offer from either kid yet.

 

[kymom99]

My son knows I can and I have a couple times. the worst I have seen is some off color language used by other kids. That doesn't particularly shock me.

One thing kinda related: My son told me the guidance counselor has a questionaire for parents asking questions about how involved we are in our kids lives. I haven't gotten it yet. (He has yet to remember to bring it home. But he said, it saks things like do I ask who he is going places with and "Things like what you do, Mom." So I was happy to hear that he realizes why I do what i do. I am forever saying, "I need names," when he says he wants to go to the movies, etc.

 

[Lynne G]

Do u just ask them to hand it over and go thru them with them - or when it is sitting around?

Both, I do ask to hand it over, but most of the time when it's just sitting there. I look every week, or sometimes less. My kids are not avid text users. I also get my phone bill, and I can see how many texts are sent by which phone number. DD had 512 messages the first month she got a phone, that was 2 years ago. She does not average close to that now. DS has never been as text happy.

Now the language I hear from my DS's headphones when he's gaming online is more amazing vulgar than what I see in text. I deal with that too. I've been known to kick him offline or turn off the headphones.

 

[scrapquitler]

I don't, but I would if I had some reason to be concerned.

 

[DizMe]

What do you do about things like SnapChat and Instagram? My daughter is 14 and does not have a smartphone yet but she does both of the above on the iPad. I check it and have deleted a few pictures (she's a gymnast and had a picture of herself showing off her "6-pack" that I prefer not to be on the internet). She thinks I'm old-fashioned and she's right; it does worry me that kids are vulnerable with things like instant picture sending but I'm unsure how you deal with it.

 

[crisi]

They can delete text messages, and if they are into something they shouldn't be, they will.

 

[lisaross]

i created an instagram and told my son he had to let me follow him..he does not post much though...

What do you do about things like SnapChat and Instagram? My daughter is 14 and does not have a smartphone yet but she does both of the above on the iPad. I check it and have deleted a few pictures (she's a gymnast and had a picture of herself showing off her "6-pack" that I prefer not to be on the internet). She thinks I'm old-fashioned and she's right; it does worry me that kids are vulnerable with things like instant picture sending but I'm unsure how you deal with it.

 

[niffer5150]

yes, i do. i don't hide it either, she(DD 14) sees me read them sometimes. tho i usually only do it when my spidey mom sense start tingling. even smart kids do really stupid stuff sometimes and it's my job to be on the look out for *serious* problems. sometimes mine needs a reminder that you never know who's really holding the phone on the other end so if you wouldn't want the world to know, you probably shouldn't put it in print.

 

[JLKennedy]

I don't. I need my child to know that I trust that I raised her right, she knows what is acceptable and is unacceptable and that I trust she's making the right choices. I don't want her to have to hide anything from me. More times than not, she'll say, hey look at this text. But everyone has their own parenting techniques and what works for me might not work for you. My daughter will be 16 in a few months and I was a helicopter parent too long....

 

[MomToOne]

I purposely got a plan for DD13 that allows me to see a listing of the phone numbers that she is getting calls and texts from online. I review that once in awhile, and ask about any new numbers that I haven't seen before.

She also knows I can ask for her phone at any time to see what's on it. But I don't invoke that unless I have a serious concern - I think you do need to give them some privacy.

I also follow her on Instragram. Not that I do that much either, but I check in every now and then to make sure nothing terribly inappropriate is getting posted.

We also talk a lot in our house about the bad sorts of stuff than can happen as a result of being online, and how you have to use good judgement about what you send or post. I like to use concrete examples of things that have happened to other people - it gets through to her better that way. I think this has more effect than any of the above.

 

[kymom99]

A couple years ago my son got into a situation where a neighborhood kid was using his ipod to text a girl. My son was put in the middle and didn't know how to deal with it. I somehow intercepted a message and put a stop to it. He honestly was in a situation that he didn't know how to get out of. I think occasionally checking is a good idea. If you don't pay attention at all, you may be unpleasantly surprised one day. I know things can be deleted, but if something shady is going on, eventually you will catch it, as long as you stay aware.

On a good note, I looked at my son's texts once and saw a very nice message from a boy he went to 8 years of gradeschool with. They weren't friends until the last year and the boy told him that he thought he was funny and was glad they got to be friends. Made my heart happy!

Also, he has snapchat and instagram and my nephew follows him. My nephew is 31 and a teacher, so he can keep an eye open for me.

 

[Lizzybean]

I struggle with this a bit. My 15-year-old has had a cell phone for 4 or 5 years. The agreement is we have all passwords for everything and can randomly check it at anytime. I would say the worst thing I've seen is profanity (which is never used in front of me) and off-color remarks and jokes. When I saw it I got upset and we have a "talk" and we took the phone away for awhile. But here's where, personally, I feel conflicted. Kids, especially teenagers, say stupid things. I can't imagine my parents having known every stupid, inappropriate thing I said as a teenager. I think it's normal to behave one way in front of your peers and another in front of your family. I want him to have some expectation of privacy and I also want him to make normal mistakes and learn from them. I think it's healthy. I just have trouble finding a good balance. That said, we don't allow snapchat, kik, and whatsapp.

 

[kymom99]

I don't worry too much about bad language. I was a teen once myself. But back when my step daughter was a teen, her older sister looked at her email and found a filthy, completely inappropriate conversation between her and a boy. She was 14. Needless to say, that was NOT okay with my husband and she got into lots of trouble over it. Thank God he was able to find out about it or there may have been some serious, life changing consequences as a result.

 

[Usandthe4kids]

I randomly check my 13 year old's text. She does not have a phone, put text from her ipod. Really I had not done it much until I was on her Facebook (on accident I might add, I didn't realize she had logged on my computer so I thought I was logged on my account) and saw that she told someone to "send a text, my parents read my messages, not my text." Yeah, red flag. That said, I haven't found any thing awful on her end. She had a friend (12!!!) who was considering activities with a boyfriend that no 12 year old should be doing so I did step in and let the parents know. We homeschool and our kids aren't allowed to date so I don't have to worry too much about that on my end. I am well aware that she could delete things without me seeing them but she knows that if I catch her deleting something she will lose the privilege until she's driving and needs a phone. That's a risk I'm pretty sure she's not willing to take. I will be the first to admit that we are way stricter than most parents but I'm not willing to risk what could happen if we weren't. I also get that one day they will leave the nest and make their own decisions but I pray that by that time they will have a good head on their shoulders and not make the same mistakes they would have in immaturity.
As far as how, generally I check it while she's at dance BUT she knows I am. She prefers I do it when she's not sitting there watching and it's fine with me. If I see her texting and she seems to be trying to hide something, I'll check it right then.

 

[mjkacmom]

Not really. They know I can, and I will, and sometimes I'll pick up a phone if it's sitting out. Now, if I felt something was wrong, or they were getting into trouble, I'd have no issues with checking - they know texts are not their private property. Knock on wood, none have been in any trouble, or mood swings, or acted suspiciously.

 

[usd2bmd]

Both, I do ask to hand it over, but most of the time when it's just sitting there. I look every week, or sometimes less. My kids are not avid text users. I also get my phone bill, and I can see how many texts are sent by which phone number. DD had 512 messages the first month she got a phone, that was 2 years ago. She does not average close to that now. DS has never been as text happy.

Now the language I hear from my DS's headphones when he's gaming online is more amazing vulgar than what I see in text. I deal with that too. I've been known to kick him offline or turn off the headphones.

If they have an iphone this will only show texts to/from people who do not have an iPhone. Texts between iPhones (iMessages) do not show up on your bill because they are just like instant messages on your computer.

When my daughter first got her phone she knew this was a possibilty, but I don't think I have ever done it.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I didn't use to look but now I look at DD14's about once a month.

About a month ago, I was holding onto my DD14's phone while she was doing her homework and it came buzzing with texts so I looked then.

They were all from one girl getting progressively meaner with lots of swearing and saying she was going to "get" my DD because she felt she was being ignored.

When DD finished her homework, I asked her about it and she said yeah it happened alot with this one "friend". So I asked her what she wanted to do because it was unacceptable and bordered on bullying. She asked me to show her how to block this "friends" texts. So I showed her.

Then I called this "friends" Mom and asked her to look at her DD's text messages because something was going on that should not be. Twenty minutes later the girls Mother called me back apologizing over and over again.

This person is still blocked from DD's phone and they are no longer friends. According to another of DD's friends, this girl did this with her too. My DD showed her how to block the texts as well.

It's been years since I've looked at DS18's text messages. He never had any problems when I used to look when he was my DD's age.

 

[SEA333]

The stipulation on getting a facebook account at the age he did (10, because we moved out of state and he wanted to keep up with friends, neighbors, and even old teachers) was that I have the password, I have to log him on, no downloads or following links, and I am the only one who can request or accept friends on his behalf.

That went on for a couple years until was satisfied he was ok with social media. I stopped checking as frequently, then one night he was really upset. Someone he thought was his friend, and one of the "in crowd" kids at DS' s new middle school, jumped into a message DS had going with a girl he had a crush on from his old school and said some really mean and embarrassing things (well, to a 6th grade boy with a crush at any rate! They weren't awful, but ds was very embarrassed). We had a talk about only friending people who he wanted to have access to his other friends, and reset his privacy settings (it was during the whole privacy setting issue on fb). He's been fine since, but really only uses his xbox for social tech communication any more...he doesn't like to text much and hardly ever goes on fb or twitter.

All od DD's friends are on instagram, so we have the same rules as DS did at that age...I approve everything and have full access. Rules include I have to see the pics she posts first, no pics of the outside of our house, no pics of the inside of the house unless its clean (lol), and no pics of other people unless she asks their permission first. She pretty much takes selfies and pics of the cat, anyway, so not much drama there!

At age 14...15 maybe, no privacy rights in my house when it comes to social media. We will discuss 16 and 17 when we get there