Do people define you by your sexuality?

[Alyssa88]

ok, so this is my first time at the gay and lesbian board and it is due to a recent event, that leave me asking a question . . .

Do you ever feel like people define you by your sexuality, and sometimes, only your sexuality??

My best friend is talented, brilliant, compassionate, and gay. It seems like people only see him as gay though. For example, last semester I worked until 2am on Friday nights and he would come to work and hang out with me for a few hours and then walk me home (he is a bit overprotective ) and one night while he and my roomate were there I introduced them to a co-worker and they had a conversation. Ever since she has been fascinated with him, always talking about him. She sat down next to me at a staff meeting and started asking me questions about random things about him (when is his next performance, whats his major, who he dates, etc.) I asked her why she was so curious about him and she told me she had always wanted a gay friend. This struck me as odd. Why would someone want to be friends with someone because of their sexuality? I mean, I was happy she wasn't being ignorant and spouting bible verses( like another co-worker who was offended he wore a cross necklace?) but I didn't understand how she could look past all of his incredible attributes and see that one thing. Or is it that they look right at your sexuality (if it is somehing more noticable or unmentioned) and decide right then and there that that is who you are? I mean, I doubt someone would want to be friends with me because I am straight. I hate that people can't see how great he is.

I guess I just want to know how other people feel about this. Is this something that people tend to do to you?

 

[Viki]

Hey, welcome to this board and what a wonderful first post!

You'll probably get a variety of responses (because, as you know, we are people too!), but my off the cuff response is YES!

And, as your post implies, I've been "reduced to a label" or been held in "greater fascination" because of my sexual orientation, by people of all political persuasions. In fact, I laugh on a regular basis that one of the most highly esteemed colleagues in my profession (who is straight) seems to choose all of the colleagues with whom she is freinds on the basis of their being lesbian or gay. Lots of (gay) folk seem to delight in that (partly, I think, because gay folk in my profession are often the objects of witch hunts and she is, at least, very supportive), but I, personally, don't trust it and stay clear of it.

 

[smartestnumber5]

ok, so this is my first time at the gay and lesbian board and it is due to a recent event, that leave me asking a question . . .

Do you ever feel like people define you by your sexuality, and sometimes, only your sexuality??

My best friend is talented, brilliant, compassionate, and gay. It seems like people only see him as gay though. For example, last semester I worked until 2am on Friday nights and he would come to work and hang out with me for a few hours and then walk me home (he is a bit overprotective ) and one night while he and my roomate were there I introduced them to a co-worker and they had a conversation. Ever since she has been fascinated with him, always talking about him. She sat down next to me at a staff meeting and started asking me questions about random things about him (when is his next performance, whats his major, who he dates, etc.) I asked her why she was so curious about him and she told me she had always wanted a gay friend. This struck me as odd. Why would someone want to be friends with someone because of their sexuality? I mean, I was happy she wasn't being ignorant and spouting bible verses( like another co-worker who was offended he wore a cross necklace?) but I didn't understand how she could look past all of his incredible attributes and see that one thing. Or is it that they look right at your sexuality (if it is somehing more noticable or unmentioned) and decide right then and there that that is who you are? I mean, I doubt someone would want to be friends with me because I am straight. I hate that people can't see how great he is.

I guess I just want to know how other people feel about this. Is this something that people tend to do to you?

About your friend wanting a gay friend. I think in the last decade or so there's been a lot of media representation of gay men as "the wonderful, loving, supportive, will-always-be-there-for-you and can-help-you-do-your-makeup friend" for straight women. Think of Stanford and Anthony (I think that's his name) on Sex and the City. Most of the time it's like they don't exist but then every once in awhile they just pop up out of nowhere and Carrie and Charlotte are all "oh, you're my very best friend" and then they're gone again til the next season. There's also the movie My Best Friend's Wedding and Will and Grace that seem to work off of this principle, though at least Will and Jack get some storylines of their own.

Anyway, as to your question I don't really experience that. But I think the reason is that the great majority of the people I spend time with are also gay. So that helps a lot!

 

[DVCajun]

Here's a thought -- I wonder how many of the "fascinated" people are in fact "in the closet" even to themselves?

Things that make you go Hmmmmm.

 

[Viki]

Here's a thought -- I wonder how many of the "fascinated" people are in fact "in the closet" even to themselves?

Things that make you go Hmmmmm.

I have often wondered!

 

[thefirebuilds]

ok, so this is my first time at the gay and lesbian board and it is due to a recent event, that leave me asking a question . . .

Do you ever feel like people define you by your sexuality, and sometimes, only your sexuality??

My best friend is talented, brilliant, compassionate, and gay. It seems like people only see him as gay though. For example, last semester I worked until 2am on Friday nights and he would come to work and hang out with me for a few hours and then walk me home (he is a bit overprotective ) and one night while he and my roomate were there I introduced them to a co-worker and they had a conversation. Ever since she has been fascinated with him, always talking about him. She sat down next to me at a staff meeting and started asking me questions about random things about him (when is his next performance, whats his major, who he dates, etc.) I asked her why she was so curious about him and she told me she had always wanted a gay friend. This struck me as odd. Why would someone want to be friends with someone because of their sexuality? I mean, I was happy she wasn't being ignorant and spouting bible verses( like another co-worker who was offended he wore a cross necklace?) but I didn't understand how she could look past all of his incredible attributes and see that one thing. Or is it that they look right at your sexuality (if it is somehing more noticable or unmentioned) and decide right then and there that that is who you are? I mean, I doubt someone would want to be friends with me because I am straight. I hate that people can't see how great he is.

I guess I just want to know how other people feel about this. Is this something that people tend to do to you?

I totally just wandered on your thread, but as a curious straight male different people are just interesting...

My little white middle class world is pretty boring, I like to have different friends from different groups, black, polish, gay, w/e it keeps things interesting. It would be _easy_ to just have white male friends and save myself a lot of trouble in misunderstandings

Hope I didn't offend, late.

 

[Viki]

I totally just wandered on your thread, but as a curious straight male different people are just interesting...

My little white middle class world is pretty boring, I like to have different friends from different groups, black, polish, gay, w/e it keeps things interesting. It would be _easy_ to just have white male friends and save myself a lot of trouble in misunderstandings

Hope I didn't offend, late.

LOL! Welcome!

Your post does cause me to recall that we do have a couple of friends right now who are, indeed, our culture's conception of a standard couple - female, male, and baby on the way - and the male is very gay curious without being the least bit offensive about it. He's a nurse, perhaps that explains it!

 

[Alyssa88]

I totally just wandered on your thread, but as a curious straight male different people are just interesting...

My little white middle class world is pretty boring, I like to have different friends from different groups, black, polish, gay, w/e it keeps things interesting. It would be _easy_ to just have white male friends and save myself a lot of trouble in misunderstandings

Hope I didn't offend, late.

You certainly did not offend me, i posted this to hear other views, thank you.

I definitely think that it would be great if it was something like wanting to have different types of friends. I guess I have been lucky enough to always have a large variety of people surrounding me. So maybe I don't understand where she is coming from, she could very well be wanting a more diverse group of friends. I think I just don't see people as different, I can't stand labels. What annoys me is how people just seem to see him as one thing. I met some of his new "friends" and they just seemed to be so caught up in his lifestyle, and when talking to him they kept reffering to stereotypes.

For example, he loves to go camping and when I brought up a possible trip over the summer all of these new friends (maybe more of acquantances) started laughing and saying things like "could you imagine him camping?". I didn't get it, he is a much better camper than both me and another straight male we have gone with, but why must people assume that he would hate it?

I guess I just get angry that people pull these stereotypes and assume that they are all a part of his identity, but by doing that they will never see the true him. I feel sad for them, he is a really amazing guy but people cannot get over that one aspect of him.

DVCajun- I thought of that as a possibility when I asked her why she seemed so fasctinated, but I really dont think its the case. I could be wrong.


Like I said before, I hate labeling people. I just wish people could get over the label (and stereotypes) that society has given him.

 

[eryn the pooh]

I would think that wanting to be friends with someone whos different than yourself, different race, different sex, different age, would just mean that you are interested in the things that you could learn from them. I live in central BC and to me all the first nations people around me are normal. But to someone from maybe a bigger city, it is something different and they might be interested in getting to know a frist nations because they would like to know more about them. Youre right, the reason for wanting to get to know someone or be friends with them might be a superficial reason at first, but who cares. arent we here to learn about eachother? and maybe if she did become friends with youre gay friend and saw that he was no different than any of her other male friends, then she has learned something from that, right?

 

[AllisonY2K]

I love my gay guy friends, they are lots of fun to talk to and hang out with! Plus you can talk to them about relationships and guy problems, ask them guy advice, get their opinion on just about anything. Plus there is no thought in the back of your mind going "I wonder if he's picturing me without clothes on?"

Usually for me, finding out a friend is gay usually happens somewhere towards the beginning or first few weeks of the friendship. From then on it becomes an afterthought. I'll still ask questions about various clubs/bars (if he goes) or the dating scene (if he's single) or upcoming pride-related events because I think it could start a goor conversation...and that's usually after I've already asked about his hobbies and interests.

 

[RickinNYC]

Personally, I don't know that I've been reduced to my sexuality as a sole definition of my character in a negative sense, per se. I have, however, been told time and again by various straight women that they've always wanted a best gay friend. Some have even gone so far as to seek out companionship as a result. I've never been offended by it because, as another posted indicated, it could very well be a learning experience for everyone involved.

Now, should someone simply categorize me as "that gay guy" and use that information as a means to choose NOT to be my friend, I would just think that person an inbred idiot, VERY poorly educated and I wouldn't have a thing in common with said maroon. Plus, it'd be his/her loss as far as I'm concerned. Not that I'm any great shakes, I just think anyone with that mindset is not worth my time or effort, plus, they likely have negative misguided opinions of many other folks who weren't like them. So who needs them?

 

[sotoalf]

Since I'm not effeminate, I'm used to strangers performing double takes on learning that I'm gay. All my guy friends (with a handful of exceptions) are straight. When I revealed myself about eight years ago the reactions ranged from "Ok..." to "Yeah, we knew already. Get over yourself." It helps that I'm so clever, erudite, and handsome that I charm most people I meet...

 

[Viki]

Since I'm not effeminate, I'm used to strangers performing double takes on learning that I'm gay. All my guy friends (with a handful of exceptions) are straight. When I revealed myself about eight years ago the reactions ranged from "Ok..." to "Yeah, we knew already. Get over yourself." It helps that I'm so clever, erudite, and handsome that I charm most people I meet...

LOL!!!!!

Yeah, me too!

 

[PghLybrt]

I see what you mean, we once had a lady (who we then considered a friend) who invited us to dinner parties and such. We found out from others that she did so to add a lesbian couple to her mix. It was almost as if the people she sought out was to fill in a checklist so she could show us off to the neighborhood. She didn’t like us for us she liked us because we filled a desire. ( When we found out we started noticing she had the “black” couple and the “Jewish” couple ect ect )

Oh well.

I guess I can be accused of the same thing however, I want my own Emmett.

 

[Alyssa88]

Thanks everyone, your responses were really helpful.

I guess that I would just be offended by having someone decide to my friend based on my sexuality but I am sure that all people face some sort of label. I know people probably do define him, the same way that they might look at me and define me. Labels suck.

 

[bubie2.5]

Here's a thought -- I wonder how many of the "fascinated" people are in fact "in the closet" even to themselves?

Things that make you go Hmmmmm.

That was the first thing that popped into my head. I used to be like that.

 

[Psychometrika]

Hmm. Reduced to my sexuality. I think that only happened when I was in gay bars. I would feel their "...OMG I sure hope he's straight..." vibes.

And yes, some of my best friends are straight. How else could I learn to walk in flats?

 

[disneykid]

I have to say that most of my straight friends were only my friends because I am gay. It took me many years to realize this and I have recently stopped talking to them. It was almost as a notch in their belt to have a gay friend. I do define myself as gay, but that is not all that I am. I do feel people stereotype us with our sexuality, i.e. they can decorate, cook, have great fashion sense etc., and therefore want to be our friends for many of those reasons as well as being able to say, I have a gay friend. It's such a shame that people can't just be a friend like yourself seeing just who the person is, kudos to you!

 

[RickinNYC]

My name is Rick
I love my partner Joe and we've been together for years and years
I love my family and friends
I have a dog named Bill
I love WDW
I love my job
I'm gay
My favorite foods are ridiculously spicy buffalo wings or Joe's spaghetti and meatballs with meatsauce
I love horror movies, both the good and the bad
I was raised Catholic and still have a close relationship with God in my heart
I love to read. You'll never find me not in the middle of a book
I'm pretty darn preppy
I value family values. ALL family values for all types of families.
I'm a Democrat.
I live in New York City
I went to high school in Florida
I am half Scottish and Irish and half Japanese
I love to swim
I pretend to love museums but I really speek walk through them and think, "Huh, so that's what that really looks like" and keep on going

There are so many more facets of my life and what has shaped and will continue to shape my character. Being gay is just one of many.


All of the above are true statement

 

[DVCajun]

I pretend to love museums but I really speek walk through them and think, "Huh, so that's what that really looks like" and keep on going