Do parents owe their kids a wedding?

[A_Princess'_Daddy]

Without question parents do not owe their children a wedding, but many parents want to provide one for their children, just as many parents want to pay for college for their children. If their have the resources to do so, then it is a fine way to provide for your children.

In DW's and my case, her parents paid for vast majority of the wedding, but due to world events (our wedding was just after 9/11/01 and people were still not traveling, so our guest list dropped from 200 to 100) it ended up being far less expensive than we'd expected. It was also far more special, because it was the people that we truly loved who made the trip!

My parents paid for the rehearsal dinner for about 40 and a few other things, as per that tradition. We paid for the honeymoon ourselves.

Both her parents and my parents paid for our respective first college degrees (and my parents actually paid for my first Master's, as well, although that was more of a loophole). It was a part of both parents' value systems and they had the resources, and we are both intensely grateful for their generosity, as we both went to expensive private schools that we would still be paying off ten years later without their help.

I am certain that we want to and expect to pay for the college educations of our children, and fortunately have already put much of that money aside into a couple of 529 plans. Assuming we have the resources, I anticipate paying for their weddings, as well (assuming I like the guy DD marries ).

 

[Pigeon]

I think a big wedding is a luxury. I think a 4 year college degree is not. A college degree will generally help you be a more well-rounded person and on average, make more money than someone without one. It also is a prerequisite for graduate work or many professional programs. A wedding is a big party, and has no impact on the success or failure of your marriage.

We will pay for a 4 year college degree for a child who works hard at it, at a state school.

I think weddings have gotten ridiculous. We will contribute if we can, and the kids are welcome to use our house and yard if they want to have a simple, family wedding. If they are paying for most of it themselves, I sincerely hope they will keep it simple. Unfortunately, the standard in our family is a reasonably expensive event.

We're a long way away from that, as we don't plan on letting our kids date until they are 35 or so.

 

[A_Princess'_Daddy]

I think weddings have gotten ridiculous.

Absolutely. The most horrifically wasteful example I've experienced was one of DW's best friends from college. Her parents spent over $600,000 on the wedding, which included over 800 guests, 80 unique wedding cakes (one per table), a true national act of great fame as the wedding band, a rehearsal dinner of 250, etc. It was beyond sickening, quite honestly.

 

[Tiger926]

My parents are well off - no mortgage for 30 years, and live in a huge house as dad is a contractor/restauranteur (so he built the house himself - cost way less than it's worth). Absolutely no debts at all - helped us pay for university as well. Sister has 2 degrees, and I have 3 - we also split that as well (we paid for half, and they paid other half). Parents did buy us each a small car as well, to get back and forth to school, work and such. Parents are very frugal - some days they don't look like they have 2 pennies to their name. I kid you not - they are in their very early 60s, so products of the Great Depression generation. They could afford several weddings for my sis and I, but they did not pay for it. We knew this since we were younger, that this was how it was going to be. We paid for wedding and honeymoon - husband's family has no money, and is financially strapped, so no help from them either. They also drink a ton, and we had to spend a lot on alcohol as well - hubby and I don't drink at all, and this set us back, but again, my dad told us we had to do it this way.

Most people assume that my parents paid for our wedding (one sister), and they didn't. They said they wouldn't pay for a wedding, as they thought it should be paid for by ourselves. They paid for engagement party, shower, rehearsal dinner (shared that expense with my godparents), church stuff and wedding dress. We talk about it to this day - 16 years for sister, and almost 12 for me, and they still stand by their decision.

I plan to help my kids more than my parents helped us, as parents made us invite at least 100 hundred people that we didn't want to invite, yet didn't contribute to paying for it.

It's an interesting topic - I am Italian, and my parents have more money than any of my friends, yet all of their parents paid for their weddings. They obviously helped us build our homes as well, lent us some money for a short time, stuff at cost, did manual labour, etc. but they, didn't give us our houses. Most people are very surprised when they hear that they didn't pay for our weddings, nor give us a house. My sis and I have learned about hard work from them, as well as saving, but we wish they would have contributed a bit more to our weddings, as they made us do stuff we didn't want to do (dad is very stubborn and abrasive at times, so it was easier to just do it, in order to keep the peace).

Tiger

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

Absolutely. The most horrifically wasteful example I've experienced was one of DW's best friends from college. Her parents spent over $600,000 on the wedding, which included over 800 guests, 80 unique wedding cakes (one per table), a true national act of great fame as the wedding band, a rehearsal dinner of 250, etc. It was beyond sickening, quite honestly.

Yeah but could they easily afford it? I think if it's not a big deal (as in it's not much of one's income/savings) then why not have as big of a wedding as you want? If they earned that money, they should be able to spend it on what ever they please.

 

[WDWFAN9]

I don't think parents "owe" their children a wedding, but that said, I contributed significantly to the cost for both my oldest son's and oldest daughter's wedding. Neither had extravagant, over-the-top affairs, but things are costly, and I was glad to be able to help them have a memorable day. I plan to do the same for the youngest two.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

I can't say I agree with the term "owe," but if you can afford it, why not pay for your daughter's wedding?

My parents happily paid for my very beautiful, very large wedding. We will be paying for all 3 of our girl's weddings. We have college funds and wedding funds set up for all of our children. The wedding fund money will go towards paying for the girls weddings and the wedding fund money for our son will go to pay for his rehearsal dinner and/or honeymoon.

 

[busyshrew]

No, parents don't "owe" their child / children a wedding.

BUT!

If the parents don't contribute financially toward the cost of the wedding, should they be allowed to *insist* on certain people being invited? Or on things being done a certain way?

I say, no, no way, nope, not allowed.

Still sticks in my craw to this day that MIL & FIL insisted on including strangers - extended family and their own friends that DH & I didn't know and never saw again - but refused to contribute to any of the costs. Ugh.

 

[A_Princess'_Daddy]

Yeah but could they easily afford it? I think if it's not a big deal (as in it's not much of one's income/savings) then why not have as big of a wedding as you want? If they earned that money, they should be able to spend it on what ever they please.

Yes, I am confident that her parents could afford it, and I don't recall saying that they didn't have the right to spend it that way, but that doesn't mean it wasn't wasteful or needlessly extravagant.

The bride, by the way, is a preschool teacher and her husband is a civil engineer employed by the government, so they would have been better off taking the money to put towards a home or towards savings (although I believe they are still being supported financially by their parents, despite being in their mid-30s). $600,000 would provide a nice home in most areas of the country!

 

[eliza61]

Yes, I am confident that her parents could afford it, and I don't recall saying that they didn't have the right to spend it that way, but that doesn't mean it wasn't wasteful or needlessly extravagant.

The bride, by the way, is a preschool teacher and her husband is a civil engineer employed by the government, so they would have been better off taking the money to put towards a home or towards savings (although I believe they are still being supported financially by their parents, despite being in their mid-30s). $600,000 would provide a nice home in most areas of the country!

Aaah but that's the problem PD. who are you to decide what is wasteful or needless?

Not every one has to be a home owner, in fact there probably a whole of people who should have stuck with an apartment.


My girlfriend just plopped down 2 million bucks for a home. it's 7,000 square feet 5 bedrooms and 4 baths. They are retired with NO kids. so she's taking a lot of flak because many people think that's a bit much for only 2 people but you no what, they're happy as pigs in ____ well let's just say they're happy campers.

Personally,
if you can afford it and red marbles give you pleasure then go blow your money on red marbles.

If a big wedding makes you happy. go ahead with the 12 custom made swan ice sculptures.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

I had a boss once who called her Dad and yelled at him because he wouldn't give her any money for her wedding. She and her now Dh both had very well paying jobs, owned a home together-a very nice house, completely furnished--traveled somewhere for at least 4 days every month, etc. This after story after story about her Dad and Stepmom were struggling financially .

Just makes you wonder, doesn't it?

 

[golfgal]

No, parents don't "owe" their child / children a wedding.

BUT!

If the parents don't contribute financially toward the cost of the wedding, should they be allowed to *insist* on certain people being invited? Or on things being done a certain way?

I say, no, no way, nope, not allowed.

Still sticks in my craw to this day that MIL & FIL insisted on including strangers - extended family and their own friends that DH & I didn't know and never saw again - but refused to contribute to any of the costs. Ugh.

I don't care if a parent is paying 100% of the wedding, I still don't think they have the final say in anything.

I do have to say that when we got married we paid for everything but we also allowed each side to make up a guest list. There were people there that I didn't really know but our parents did and wanted them to come.

 

[Witch Mountain]

I don't think parents are obligated to pay. If they want to, by all means, but no child should expect it.

My ex-husband and I planned and were paying for ours completely on our own. Our coworkers were stunned that we didn't have my parents footing the bill, but we were living together and figured that we were supporting ourselves, why should our parents pay. Apparently, that was not a common opinion. (then his dad snuck out to the front desk at the hotel and paid the bill for our modest reception before we got the chance.)

Of course, second marriages are definitely not mom and dad's expense, either...

 

[Acklander]

I don't think parents owe their kids a wedding (or an education, or whatever) but I do think parents owe their kid an understanding of the family finances,. I'm not saying they have to lay out copies of their tax returns every year, but I think it's a good thing that they understand what finances are available and what the priorities for the family are.
While growing up, my parents were open about the fact that we were a working class family, with several kids. They were hard working people who would always make sure there was a roof over our head, and food on the table, and we were loved and cared for, but that was the extent of what they could offer. It was never said in a negative "You're not getting anything, and you're on your own" way, but I understood the reality early on, so there were no surprises about what was or wasn't available when it came time to go to college or get married.
Talk to your kids - explain about budgets/taxes/ and a rough idea of where your money goes. If your kid makes 10 bucks and hour babysitting, that's their concept of money. No matter how much or how little you make, it's going to sound like a lot to them, so they won't understand why you might not have 20K laying around for a wedding, or 100K set aside for college.

 

[DisGirlAllie]

Well, I think I'll make it a tradition to voice my opinion on these types of threads

Yet again, a response from a teenager:

Nope. I've never once expected my parents to pay for my wedding. I make the decision to get married, my fiancé and I foot the bill.

 

[trip]

Absolutely. The most horrifically wasteful example I've experienced was one of DW's best friends from college. Her parents spent over $600,000 on the wedding, which included over 800 guests, 80 unique wedding cakes (one per table), a true national act of great fame as the wedding band, a rehearsal dinner of 250, etc. It was beyond sickening, quite honestly.

If all of the guests gave the appropriate "cover the plate" gift of money, the bride and groom made out like bandits!!

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

my parents paid for my college education and my wedding and my in laws helped us with a down payment for our first SFH. Did I expect it? No. Was it nice? Of Course!! I certainly hope to be able to do the same for my kids some day!

 

[design_mom]

I don't think parents "owe" their children a wedding.

My parents gave us a gift of money when we were engaged (somewhat modest compared to the "average" cost of weddings, but what they felt they could afford). We could spend it on a simple wedding, plan an expensive wedding and pay the difference, or we could do a cheap wedding and pocket the difference. It was up to us.

I hope to give the same deal to my children someday... give them a monetary gift that I can afford and let them decide how fancy they want to get. I am not paying for a blow-out, but I'd like to help them have a nice day.

 

[kirstenb1]

My parents paid for our wedding, but I tried to really keep costs in mind throughout selecting the gown, venue, food/drink etc.

We'll do the same for our daughters, and hopefully they'll be thoughtful as well.

 

[disykat]

I think, if the parents can easily afford it, they should pay, or at least help out. But if it's a struggle, then absolutely not. I would be ashamed of myself as a child to expect something like that from a parent.

This goes for any big expense such as a down payment on the child's first house, college or a car.

I would be ashamed of myself to expect something like that even if they COULD afford it.