Do housewives ever retire?

[Smugpugmug]

It's called the "Raymond" effect. Anyone remember the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond when he "helped out", but strategically made sure the end result was so shoddy, he wouldn't be asked to help again?

Yup, the term for that is weaponized incompetence. I saw it all the time with my college roommates. I always called them out for it and they always played dumb. Anyone that does this (not just spouses or roommates) are doing it intentionally. It's a calculated move to get out of doing chores.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Yup, the term for that is weaponized incompetence. I saw it all the time with my college roommates. I always called them out for it and they always played dumb. Anyone that does this (not just spouses or roommates) are doing it intentionally. It's a calculated move to get out of doing chores.

Sorry, gotta do them anyway!!

 

[Colleen27]

And those of us who work full time and also do all of those tasks will also be doing those tasks whenever we finally get to retire from our day jobs. Oh, well. Imo you've led a pampered life, being provided for by your husband so you could stay home. Nothing wrong with that, but don't ask for pity.

Pampered, really? Just because the division of labor is different? To me, pampered suggests a life of doing what one wants without menial tasks. Most SAHMs spend their entire day doing things that, if they did them for anyone other than their own spouse/kids, would not only be paid but would also be considered difficult/taxing jobs. And frankly, no matter what job one has, we all have days where we feel like we deserve a little pity party... because paid or unpaid, work is not always fun.

We have a couple we know who both are now 100% remote, I think for my husband and I that would drive us nuts lol. Retirement is a long way off so who knows what we'll be like then.

Remote work certainly seems to be a relationship minefield. A couple in our immediate circle seems headed full steam ahead for divorce over being 100% remote. They had a pretty good balance of labor before the pandemic - the husband worked part time due to medical issues and handled most of the house/parenting, while wife worked a typical 8 to 5 and some of the household stuff in her off hours. But since she's been working from home, he's expected more and more from her (because, in his words, they're both home all day) and doesn't respect her space and time well enough for her to focus on work. I could see my husband being the same way - he sometimes drives me crazy when I'm trying to work in the evening, just popping into my office to chat about absolutely inane nothings, so I can't imagine how irritating it would be if he was home during the otherwise quiet daytime hours when I get the most done.

Creating a discussion and boo-hooing about the work you do in the household and acting as if your husband doesn't do squat while he's out sweating pushing the mower or trying to fenangle the transmission off your car or up on the roof in the middle of July to me is asking for pity.

Dishes need washed and dinner needs cooked and floors need swept every day. Even if a husband is doing all the heavy work you're talking about, it is all very infrequent which makes that "traditional" gendered division of labor extremely inequal. The lawn gets cut once a week, less if it is dry, and years go by between major car or home projects like a transmission or a roof even if the husband does have the skill to do it all himself. I'd be pretty irritated if DH tried to use the one roof he's put on our home in the 24 years we've been together to argue that he's pulling his weight when it comes to household tasks!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Remote work certainly seems to be a relationship minefield. A couple in our immediate circle seems headed full steam ahead for divorce over being 100% remote. They had a pretty good balance of labor before the pandemic - the husband worked part time due to medical issues and handled most of the house/parenting, while wife worked a typical 8 to 5 and some of the household stuff in her off hours. But since she's been working from home, he's expected more and more from her (because, in his words, they're both home all day) and doesn't respect her space and time well enough for her to focus on work. I could see my husband being the same way - he sometimes drives me crazy when I'm trying to work in the evening, just popping into my office to chat about absolutely inane nothings, so I can't imagine how irritating it would be if he was home during the otherwise quiet daytime hours when I get the most done.

I know it was an adjustment for my husband and I when he was suddenly home 24/7 for 6 months. We do have a dedicated office so that helps and I think the other couple has separate rooms it's just the husband was remote for a while and then the wife went remote later on. They joked about it with us but it certainly is something that can take it out of you.

Simple things like vacuuming are much harder when you know the person needs quiet for a conference call with someone in Germany for example. Sounds really minor but it can throw things off, just any flurry of activity and routine can get thrown off.

 

[Walk This Way]

The notion of saying any stay at home parent is pampered... that's laughable to me. I mean, maybe if you have a live-in nanny. But no parent is pampered, whether they work or not. Kids are brutal, man.

This made me LOL

 

[scrapquitler]

My husband who retired in May after working 40+ years at the same job mentioned to me today that I’m retired now too. What? I’m still doing the same crap I’ve been doing for decades. Cleaning the house, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking practically every night, cleaning the kitchen, washing all the dishes by hand, errands, paying the bills. Not to mention babysitting grandchildren 50 hours a week up until they were finally all in school full time 3 years ago. I still watch them 2-3 days a week in the summer. Plus I worked full time myself for several years. I told him I don’t get to retire until I’m dead.

I think it you wanted to, you could choose to do less of all of that.

I know I have chosen to do less now that the kids are older. I delegate more around the house to the adult child and to the husband. I have lowered my standards about how often the laundry needs to be done, how much of it needs to be neatly folded and ironed. And if I had grandchildren, I'd feel free to not feel obligated to watch them every single time I was asked. I let the nice lady at the grocery store do the grocery shopping for me, I just go pick it up at the curb. I'm even considering hiring someone to come in and do some housework on a regular basis. If my husband can work less hours, so can I.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Blessed to have retired early and moved to our Happy place. We share much about the home and yet… I still do the typical things I did before only now, without the Added
“ working” included.
OP, imho it’s long past time Ur hubby helps out to ease ur
Full Unchanged schedule. I think he’d be happy to help out… happy wife, happy life

 

[Pea-n-Me]

@luvnwdwgal Have you considered getting a dishwasher? It might make your life a little easier, anyway. Or paper plates, lol.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

@luvnwdwgal Have you considered getting a dishwasher? It might make your life a little easier, anyway. Or paper plates, lol.

Unfortunately we don’t have room for a dishwasher in our kitchen. We do use paper plates sometimes but not for dinner.

 

[easyas123]

Unfortunately we don’t have room for a dishwasher in our kitchen. We do use paper plates sometimes but not for dinner.

Have you asked your husband to help with the dishes? And if he didn't, or only did it one or two nights before slacking off on it, did you leave the dirty dishes sitting for him to eventually get to vs. doing them yourself? Have you considered using paper plates for dinner?

 

[luvnwdwgal]

Have you asked your husband to help with the dishes? And if he didn't, or only did it one or two nights before slacking off on it, did you leave the dirty dishes sitting for him to eventually get to vs. doing them yourself? Have you considered using paper plates for dinner?

Have you asked your husband to help with the dishes? And if he didn't, or only did it one or two nights before slacking off on it, did you leave the dirty dishes sitting for him to eventually get to vs. doing them yourself? Have you considered using paper plates for dinner?

Once in a great while he’ll wash the dishes, though not very well. He usually falls asleep in his recliner as soon as he’s done eating. As far as using paper plates for dinner. After washing all the pots and pans and stuff, 2 more plates doesn’t really matter. I’m usually cooking “Sunday night dinner” types of meals every night so there’s a lot to wash and it’s really not something that would do well on a paper plate anyway. He grew up eating meals like that and he’s a really picky eater. No salads and nothing easy like sandwiches for dinner. We rarely go out and never eat fast food for dinner. A pizza is a treat for me. I myself could care less. I could eat a bowl of cereal for dinner and I’d be fine.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Once in a great while he’ll wash the dishes, though not very well. He usually falls asleep in his recliner as soon as he’s done eating. As far as using paper plates for dinner. After washing all the pots and pans and stuff, 2 more plates doesn’t really matter. I’m usually cooking “Sunday night dinner” types of meals every night so there’s a lot to wash and it’s really not something that would do well on a paper plate anyway. He grew up eating meals like that and he’s a really picky eater. No salads and nothing easy like sandwiches for dinner. We rarely go out and never eat fast food for dinner. A pizza is a treat for me. I myself could care less. I could eat a bowl of cereal for dinner and I’d be fine.

Random suggestion have y'all tried doing some freezer meals? Meaning ones you cook or prepare depending on the recipe and then freeze for later usage?

Like this past weekend I made this pesto tortellini bake with chicken. Because it's just the two of us we know it makes 2 meals worth. It's a freezer meal so I make a portion of it for that night then package the remaining into a freezer bag (in a foil 8x8 pan, clean up is easy just throw the foil pan away) and now it's ready for another day. All you do at that point is take it straight from the freezer, pop it in the oven for 70 mins with the foil on and 10 more mins with the foil off. And prepping it in the first place is super easy with frozen bag of cheese tortellini, pesto sauce, canned chicken (we get the lowest sodium version), and alfredo sauce and just mix that together and top with shredded mozzarella as well as shredded parmesan cheese.

That's just an example but there are many recipes that are low enough in prep but you get a pay off later by not having to do so much the next time. Other ones we have that are super easy is a chicken primavera stir fry (cooked in a skillet) and cream cheese chicken (cooked in the crock pot) as well as gumbo (cooked in the crock pot) all three of which no cooking happens before you freeze it and just minimal prep. I also use liners in the crock pot which are a tremendous help.

I would say a bulk of the freezer recipes we make do require thawing in the fridge for 24-48 hours before cooking so a tad bit of advanced planning there but not all.

 

[easyas123]

Respectfully...you are going to have to decide if you want to continue the self styled Martyr you have painted yourself to be. If you truly want things to change, then change them. You don't need us to tell you that you needn't make "sunday night dinner" types of meals every night. You know that, yet that is your choice. Until you make different choices, how can you expect anyone else to?

 

[Moliphino]

Once in a great while he’ll wash the dishes, though not very well. He usually falls asleep in his recliner as soon as he’s done eating. As far as using paper plates for dinner. After washing all the pots and pans and stuff, 2 more plates doesn’t really matter. I’m usually cooking “Sunday night dinner” types of meals every night so there’s a lot to wash and it’s really not something that would do well on a paper plate anyway. He grew up eating meals like that and he’s a really picky eater. No salads and nothing easy like sandwiches for dinner. We rarely go out and never eat fast food for dinner. A pizza is a treat for me. I myself could care less. I could eat a bowl of cereal for dinner and I’d be fine.

Goodness, take a break sometime and have an easy meal. He can learn to suck it up and eat a sandwich for dinner on occasion or learn to cook a meal himself.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

Respectfully...you are going to have to decide if you want to continue the self styled Martyr you have painted yourself to be. If you truly want things to change, then change them. You don't need us to tell you that you needn't make "sunday night dinner" types of meals every night. You know that, yet that is your choice. Until you make different choices, how can you expect anyone else to?

Like I said. He’s a picky eater. That’s what he eats, so that’s what I cook. I don’t really have other choices. I don’t see him taking over the cooking. It would be a disaster. We really can’t afford to go out all the time either, so that’s the way it is. I’m just burned out after doing it for over 40 years which I would think anybody would be.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

Random suggestion have y'all tried doing some freezer meals? Meaning ones you cook or prepare depending on the recipe and then freeze for later usage?

Like this past weekend I made this pesto tortellini bake with chicken. Because it's just the two of us we know it makes 2 meals worth. It's a freezer meal so I make a portion of it for that night then package the remaining into a freezer bag (in a foil 8x8 pan, clean up is easy just throw the foil pan away) and now it's ready for another day. All you do at that point is take it straight from the freezer, pop it in the oven for 70 mins with the foil on and 10 more mins with the foil off. And prepping it in the first place is super easy with frozen bag of cheese tortellini, pesto sauce, canned chicken (we get the lowest sodium version), and alfredo sauce and just mix that together and top with shredded mozzarella as well as shredded parmesan cheese.

That's just an example but there are many recipes that are low enough in prep but you get a pay off later by not having to do so much the next time. Other ones we have that are super easy is a chicken primavera stir fry (cooked in a skillet) and cream cheese chicken (cooked in the crock pot) as well as gumbo (cooked in the crock pot) all three of which no cooking happens before you freeze it and just minimal prep. I also use liners in the crock pot which are a tremendous help.

I would say a bulk of the freezer recipes we make do require thawing in the fridge for 24-48 hours before cooking so a tad bit of advanced planning there but not all.

I do freeze leftovers once in a while. He’s not really into casseroles or anything with herbs or spices in it. I find so many recipes that I think look good and then I go down through the list of ingredients and see all the stuff he won’t eat. I can’t even use cream of chicken soup. He’s really a pain to cook for and people wonder why I’m tired of it after 40+ years.

 

[mom2rtk]

Like I said. He’s a picky eater. That’s what he eats, so that’s what I cook. I don’t really have other choices. I don’t see him taking over the cooking. It would be a disaster. We really can’t afford to go out all the time either, so that’s the way it is. I’m just burned out after doing it for over 40 years which I would think anybody would be.

You're going to continue to be burned out until you insist on some sort of change. Do you think he's going to starve if you don't make a full on Sunday dinner every night of the week?

It's ridiculously unfair of him to expect that. But none of us can change that for you. It's something you're going to have to decide to change for yourself. Or you'll live the rest of your life unhappy and worn out from being the workhorse of the household. Because your husband has a good deal and he's not changing any of it any time soon.

I would use his comment about you being retired now as well as a springboard for change. Tell him it made you think and it's time to re-evaluate as you enter your own retirement.

My parents are both in their 80s. My brother in law was aghast recently to notice that my mom isn't cooking full meals for my dad any more. They saw a lot of pizza boxes and frozen food at their house. This is a big change of behavior out of them. But my BIL clearly expected my mom to still be full on cooking meals for my dad every night. I had to explain to him that I 100% understood why she would want to cut back and make things easier. He's never cooked a meal in his life and had no idea what a load that is in life.

 

[Moliphino]

I do freeze leftovers once in a while. He’s not really into casseroles or anything with herbs or spices in it. I find so many recipes that I think look good and then I go down through the list of ingredients and see all the stuff he won’t eat. I can’t even use cream of chicken soup. He’s really a pain to cook for and people wonder why I’m tired of it after 40+ years.

He's a grown man. He can figure out how to feed himself on occasion. What would he do if you weren't home?

 

[Smugpugmug]

Like I said. He’s a picky eater. That’s what he eats, so that’s what I cook. I don’t really have other choices. I don’t see him taking over the cooking. It would be a disaster. We really can’t afford to go out all the time either, so that’s the way it is. I’m just burned out after doing it for over 40 years which I would think anybody would be.

He should learn how to cook a meal for himself then. There is no excuse as to why a grown adult cannot learn how to cook a meal or do dishes.

 

[mom2rtk]

OP, what your husband has is a nice deal if you can get it. And he clearly has it and won't want to give it up easily. This is 100% on you to take some initiative to make some changes. Complaining about him here feels good I'm sure, but accomplishes absolutely nothing. This comes down to you needing to initiate some change.