Walk This Way
Earning My Ears
- Joined
- Aug 7, 2022
The people in your life treat you the way you allow them to.
Once in a great while he’ll wash the dishes, though not very well. He usually falls asleep in his recliner as soon as he’s done eating. As far as using paper plates for dinner. After washing all the pots and pans and stuff, 2 more plates doesn’t really matter. I’m usually cooking “Sunday night dinner” types of meals every night so there’s a lot to wash and it’s really not something that would do well on a paper plate anyway. He grew up eating meals like that and he’s a really picky eater. No salads and nothing easy like sandwiches for dinner. We rarely go out and never eat fast food for dinner. A pizza is a treat for me. I myself could care less. I could eat a bowl of cereal for dinner and I’d be fine.
I do freeze leftovers once in a while. He’s not really into casseroles or anything with herbs or spices in it. I find so many recipes that I think look good and then I go down through the list of ingredients and see all the stuff he won’t eat. I can’t even use cream of chicken soup. He’s really a pain to cook for and people wonder why I’m tired of it after 40+ years.
I'm a woman. We aren't mind readers, if you want something to change you need to say something.
I only said "whack-a-doodle" because, early on in the thread, I recommended counseling. I said it wasn't because I thought she was whack-a-doodle, but because I thought she could use a neutral voice to help her with her situation. Now, it's become clear that she ENJOYS taking on all this extra work and complaining, but isn't willing to try to fix or change anything. That, to me, is nuts. The OP could be the nicest person in the world, and I sincerely hope she's able to find herself and help make a life that's more balanced and pleasing.Agree with a lot this post (though the whack-a-doodle may be a bit harsh).
But the OP is already only doing 2-3 days/week (per her first post). The more involved childcare was three years ago.
How about instead of making something like sandwiches, make those Sunday dinner type meals, but when you do them, cook extra and freeze or package the extra for another day so that on that 'other day' you only have to thaw and reheat. Less effort for you on the daily basis, and he still gets to eat what he prefers. You could effectively cut your big meal cooking to half or one third of what it is now.Like I said. He’s a picky eater. That’s what he eats, so that’s what I cook. I don’t really have other choices. I don’t see him taking over the cooking. It would be a disaster. We really can’t afford to go out all the time either, so that’s the way it is. I’m just burned out after doing it for over 40 years which I would think anybody would be.
My husband who retired in May after working 40+ years at the same job mentioned to me today that I’m retired now too. What? I’m still doing the same crap I’ve been doing for decades. Cleaning the house, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking practically every night, cleaning the kitchen, washing all the dishes by hand, errands, paying the bills. Not to mention babysitting grandchildren 50 hours a week up until they were finally all in school full time 3 years ago. I still watch them 2-3 days a week in the summer. Plus I worked full time myself for several years. I told him I don’t get to retire until I’m dead.
I think this is a great idea! A part time job would get OP out of the house and around some new people. It would probably feel wonderful to earn a paycheck and that boost to her self confidence could be a catalyst for change at home.I think you should get a part time job, it will get you out of the house and have some interaction with others while making a bit of money to stash away so you can afford a cleaning person when you decide to no longer work and “retire”. This will force your husband to fend for himself a bit at the house. Maybe at a grocery store where at the end of your shift you can bring home an already cooked rotisserie chicken which is super versatile to make into so many meals. I wish you strength to change, as it’s hard to change habits even if we know we have to or need to.
I broke my right wrist a few years ago and it ended up being an eye opener for my husband when it first happened and I was in too much pain to do tasks around the house with one good arm. He was so proud of the chicken Parmesan he cooked for us, except he forgot to make a side dish, so all we had was chicken and he realized how hard it is to cook a fancy dinner every night. He loved making Saturday and Sunday morning breakfast and still does it to this day all because I broke my wrist. Communicate your needs and wants and be an advocate for yourself to make choices that make you happy not just everyone around you.
Good point!Not a fan of the part time job suggestion. It has a high likelihood of just adding more to her plate. She's trying to do less, not more.
That said, she needs to find a way to stop doing some of what she has been doing. I'd probably have a heart to heart conversation, and then just stop doing some things if needed (easier dinners, only doing her own laundry, that sort of thing).
We never lived together. My mother never taught me how to cook and I had never cooked a meal until we got married when I was 19. I had no clue.Frankly, the fact that you did things his way for 40 years is part of why it is so hard to get him to make even tiny changes now. It doesn't sound like you've ever expected much in the way of compromise.
My husband is a meat-and-potatoes guy. Growing up, they had "sunday dinner" or at the very least solid meat-and-potato meals every night too, because his father was injured on the job when he was very small and threw himself into fishing (as a guide/charter captain) and cooking when he couldn't go back to his career. But we hammered out very early in our relationship that it would be different in our household if he wanted me to be the primary cook. I'm picky about meat and spent my first years out on my own eating mostly vegetarian not for ethical reasons but because I was that grossed out by handling raw meat to prepare that it was easier just not to eat it except at the rare restaurant meal or when I went to my mom's/grandma's for dinner. I did learn to deal with cooking meat, because DH had no interest in going vegetarian, but he met me halfway by learning to eat a wider range of foods and flavors and by understanding that a slab of meat and scoop of potatoes slathered in gravy was never going to be the norm if I was the one doing the grocery shopping, meal planning, and cooking. And he did teach me a few of his very favorite recipes; I don't make them every week like his father did, but once in a while a fried pork chop or bacon-covered meatloaf isn't the very worst thing in the world. I can't imagine cooking the way he'd have preferred every night for decades (if nothing else, it would be supremely boring - I don't love to cook to begin with, but trying new recipes is the best part about it!), and I can't imagine how much harder those compromises would be to get to if I'd gone along with his way for years instead of working this stuff out in those early months when we'd just gotten serious and were headed toward living together.
Exactly. The excuse that women are too fragile or too volatile to communicate with is just that - an excuse made by men who would rather gripe and cast themselves as victims than navigate the sometimes-difficult process of building a functional relationship. It is easier, in a way, to fume silently and complain to friends than to have the awkward conversation that comes with requesting something be done differently, but in the long run the resentment just builds up until it spills over and taints everything.
Sometimes a part time job sounds tempting. I’ve had several in the past. Unfortunately several years ago I started suffering panic attacks and even though I am on meds I don’t think I can do it anymore.I think you should get a part time job, it will get you out of the house and have some interaction with others while making a bit of money to stash away so you can afford a cleaning person when you decide to no longer work and “retire”. This will force your husband to fend for himself a bit at the house. Maybe at a grocery store where at the end of your shift you can bring home an already cooked rotisserie chicken which is super versatile to make into so many meals. I wish you strength to change, as it’s hard to change habits even if we know we have to or need to.
I broke my right wrist a few years ago and it ended up being an eye opener for my husband when it first happened and I was in too much pain to do tasks around the house with one good arm. He was so proud of the chicken Parmesan he cooked for us, except he forgot to make a side dish, so all we had was chicken and he realized how hard it is to cook a fancy dinner every night. He loved making Saturday and Sunday morning breakfast and still does it to this day all because I broke my wrist. Communicate your needs and wants and be an advocate for yourself to make choices that make you happy not just everyone around you.
I only said "whack-a-doodle" because, early on in the thread, I recommended counseling. I said it wasn't because I thought she was whack-a-doodle, but because I thought she could use a neutral voice to help her with her situation. Now, it's become clear that she ENJOYS taking on all this extra work and complaining, but isn't willing to try to fix or change anything. That, to me, is nuts. The OP could be the nicest person in the world, and I sincerely hope she's able to find herself and help make a life that's more balanced and pleasing.
On a side note--really? Mrodgers is divorced and bitter? Who knew!
You can't complain about someone never fixing something that they didn't even know was a problem.
Yup, and that's been pointed out numerous times.Sounds like sound advice for the OP
Unfortunately in our area there aren’t many day care facilities and they really couldn’t afford it anyway with 3 kids.