Do housewives ever retire?

[SirDuff]

Okay, I'm changing my "vote" from earlier--you ARE whack-a-doodle! As the expression goes, "Get off the cross, Martha, we need the wood!"

You need to stop being such a doormat. I still think that therapy could help you with this. You aren't doing your husband any favors by catering to him every single night, and you certainly aren't helping yourself, unless your goal is to win the "Martyr of the Year" Award. He needs to pitch in, he needs to learn to cook some basics, and you need to learn to step back and let him try. And fail. And learn. And succeed.

I'm a SAHM, and do 90%+ of the cooking, because I'm here. But, I don't cater to the various "food needs" (there are 5 of us--one doesn't like tomatoes, except in sauce. One hates all gravies and sauces, except pasta sauce. One won't eat beef or pork, one won't eat cheese, one hates any type of casserole. You get the picture).

If I got hit by a bus, my DH could manage to keep the kids fed. Maybe nothing fancy, probably a lot of pasta and pancakes, but they wouldn't starve.

Your husband needs to learn to fend for himself in the kitchen--if only to make a sandwich and open a can of soup. He also needs to pitch in around the house. Dishes, vacuuming, whatever works best for him, but if he's not working, he needs to contribute to the household work.

You also need to dial back the childcare. The expense of three children is not on you--it's on their parents. If you enjoy watching the kids, you can set specific parameters--you'll do 2 days a week or Friday nights or something like that.

You're miserable because everyone is taking advantage of you. Time to pick yourself up and start advocating for YOU.

Agree with a lot this post (though the whack-a-doodle may be a bit harsh).

But the OP is already only doing 2-3 days/week (per her first post). The more involved childcare was three years ago.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Oh he knows I hate to cook. I’ve told him several times that I could care less if we eat dinner at all anymore.

This makes me sad. How do you get around your resentments while meal planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning up, washing dishes, etc.? I don’t suppose he eats leftovers, either, right?

 

[luvnwdwgal]

Okay, I'm changing my "vote" from earlier--you ARE whack-a-doodle! As the expression goes, "Get off the cross, Martha, we need the wood!"

You need to stop being such a doormat. I still think that therapy could help you with this. You aren't doing your husband any favors by catering to him every single night, and you certainly aren't helping yourself, unless your goal is to win the "Martyr of the Year" Award. He needs to pitch in, he needs to learn to cook some basics, and you need to learn to step back and let him try. And fail. And learn. And succeed.

I'm a SAHM, and do 90%+ of the cooking, because I'm here. But, I don't cater to the various "food needs" (there are 5 of us--one doesn't like tomatoes, except in sauce. One hates all gravies and sauces, except pasta sauce. One won't eat beef or pork, one won't eat cheese, one hates any type of casserole. You get the picture).

If I got hit by a bus, my DH could manage to keep the kids fed. Maybe nothing fancy, probably a lot of pasta and pancakes, but they wouldn't starve.

Your husband needs to learn to fend for himself in the kitchen--if only to make a sandwich and open a can of soup. He also needs to pitch in around the house. Dishes, vacuuming, whatever works best for him, but if he's not working, he needs to contribute to the household work.

You also need to dial back the childcare. The expense of three children is not on you--it's on their parents. If you enjoy watching the kids, you can set specific parameters--you'll do 2 days a week or Friday nights or something like that.

You're miserable because everyone is taking advantage of you. Time to pick yourself up and start advocating for YOU.

I feel like I’m crazy. His whole family definitely is so I guess it’s a given that it’s rubbed off on me after all these years.

 

[easyas123]

You're miserable because everyone is taking advantage of you. Time to pick yourself up and start advocating for YOU.

I would go further, everyone is taking advantage of her because she lets them.

OP - several folks here have made many simple, easy to implement and very equitable to both spouses suggestions, yet you seem to have a excuse for each one as to why you can't/won't explore them. Either you are afraid of any change or you don't really want change. You just want to have things to complain to folks about, and you wear each excuse and each 'but I can't because' like weights on your shoulders, as if that is your identity and who you are. If that is the case I can't summon much empathy for you. If your husband is really so oblivious, unhelpful and selfish as you have painted him to be, yet you've never once discussed it with him and stuck to your guns, then this is of your own making. If your grown & adult children expect you to provide childcare without end, and you haven't so much as said "oh, I'm sorry, I'm unable to help you on that day next week." well, then that is also of your own making.



Can't help those that won't help themselves.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

This makes me sad. How do you get around your resentments while meal planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning up, washing dishes, etc.? I don’t suppose he eats leftovers, either, right?

He does eat leftovers, thank goodness!!

 

[Southernmiss]

This thread has continued for almost a week.

Have you ever talked to your husband about how much you do, how demeaning it is, and how you need his help?

I know if I talked to my husband about my needs, he would at least try to understand and help. And would be very sad to know that I felt like he was taking advantage of me. He would do everything he could to help.

We both did dishes yesterday after lunch. We both worked on a household project last night after dinner. (I cooked because he was still working) Each of us put our dish into the dishwasher. I washed the one pot I cooked in as he took out the trash. Our meal was leftover Spanish rice that I added cooked chicken, bell pepper, onion and tomatoes to. We each added cheese on top. Simple, easy and used a leftover from a previous meal. Took me about 30 minutes to finish.

Sunday dinners are for Sundays because they take longer to cook and clean up. That's why they're a treat. NO one should have to do a full- on Sunday meal every day if they don't want to. Surely, if there are only 2 of you in the house, there should be leftovers for a couple of days.

 

[mrodgers]

Unfortunately we don’t have room for a dishwasher in our kitchen. We do use paper plates sometimes but not for dinner.

Horrible isn't it? We had never purchased a place that had a dishwasher. I put one in both places. Where I am now is all one cabinet from the stove, wrapped around the corner with the sink and to the edge by the hallway. I would have to put $8,000 worth of cabinets in to put in a dishwasher in my $9000 place I live in. That ain't happenin, LOL.

 

[mrodgers]

Like I said. He’s a picky eater. That’s what he eats, so that’s what I cook. I don’t really have other choices. I don’t see him taking over the cooking. It would be a disaster. We really can’t afford to go out all the time either, so that’s the way it is. I’m just burned out after doing it for over 40 years which I would think anybody would be.

He doesn't have to take over the cooking. I say he just has to take over cooking for himself. That way if you'd be happy with just a bowl of cereal, then go be happy with that bowl of cereal and take a break.

I wasn't fond of my wife's cooking. But since I got home at 4, kids got home at 4:10, and at 4:15 we were sitting at the table eating, then she got up at 4:30 and went to work and I cleaned up the kitchen. I choked down her frozen chicken breast boiled in an inch of water dry rubbery dinner for many many years. But there was dinner in front of me 15 minutes after I got home, so....

 

[Pea-n-Me]

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

He doesn't have to take over the cooking. I say he just has to take over cooking for himself. That way if you'd be happy with just a bowl of cereal, then go be happy with that bowl of cereal and take a break.

I wasn't fond of my wife's cooking. But since I got home at 4, kids got home at 4:10, and at 4:15 we were sitting at the table eating, then she got up at 4:30 and went to work and I cleaned up the kitchen. I choked down her frozen chicken breast boiled in an inch of water dry rubbery dinner for many many years. But there was dinner in front of me 15 minutes after I got home, so....

You don't sound very appreciative of your wife's effort using such dramatic descriptions plus if there's ways to adjust cooking you could be kind and help out.

Some things are learned behavior from our families (and is very evident for the OP's situation). Growing up my mom just microwaved scrambled eggs. Never tasted bad to me and when I grew older and cooked things on my own I just continued doing it. But at some point I was like "hmm I think I'll try it on the stove" and I now have never microwaved my eggs since and I know when I'm at places that more or less do that. The eggs weren't bad before but now they are more to my liking.

You could have offered tips nicely on adjusting the cooking methods of the chicken rather than valiantly choking down food for years.

 

[mrodgers]

You don't sound very appreciative of your wife's effort using such dramatic descriptions plus if there's ways to adjust cooking you could be kind and help out.

Some things are learned behavior from our families (and is very evident for the OP's situation). Growing up my mom just microwaved scrambled eggs. Never tasted bad to me and when I grew older and cooked things on my own I just continued doing it. But at some point I was like "hmm I think I'll try it on the stove" and I now have never microwaved my eggs since and I know when I'm at places that more or less do that. The eggs weren't bad before but now they are more to my liking.

You could have offered tips nicely on adjusting the cooking methods of the chicken rather than valiantly choking down food for years.

Ex wife now. And of course, she could have waited until I got home and we could have cooked together, properly... in 10 minutes...

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Ex wife now. And of course, she could have waited until I got home and we could have cooked together, properly... in 10 minutes...

Yes I know she is your ex-wife.

Well you missed your opportunity to help her. It reads like a backhanded compliment..hey honey thanks for feeding me barely inedible food, I choked it down just for you, but at least food was placed in front of me to eat so thanks there

Of course sometimes we eat things out of the kindness of our hearts I'm just not sure with the way you describe your prior married life it was that way

 

[Moliphino]

Ex wife now. And of course, she could have waited until I got home and we could have cooked together, properly... in 10 minutes...

Did you ever suggest doing so?

 

[jrmasm]

Well, that was your choice. You have more choices to make. If you don't start making different choices, then the answer to your question is no, housewives never retire. They limp along worn and tired until the day they die.

Because they choose not to retire.

 

[mrodgers]

Did you ever suggest doing so?

I was married to a woman. I don't think you women would ever understand the ramifications of doing something like that

 

[shh]

If you don't start making different choices, then the answer to your question is no, housewives never retire.

Ding. Ding. Ding. I vote this one the winner. You cannot retire, just based upon your answers to all poster suggestions, since it is clear there's no one in your life that can make that possible for you.

If husband won't give an inch on what he likes/prefers and you genuinely believe you don't have a choice in changing that and must keep doing for him, just as you have been, then the healthiest path just seems to be acceptance. Make the best of it and try to enjoy other things in your life.

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” A. Einstein

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Ex wife now. And of course, she could have waited until I got home and we could have cooked together, properly... in 10 minutes...

Oh, you’re divorced? Have you ever mentioned that before?

 

[wvjules]

The OP won't change. She will be back in a few months with the same types of complaints but won't make any changes.

 

[Moliphino]

I was married to a woman. I don't think you women would ever understand the ramifications of doing something like that

I'm a woman. We aren't mind readers, if you want something to change you need to say something.

 

[TAX GUY]

I'm a woman. We aren't mind readers, if you want something to change you need to say something.