Do Friendships Normally Fall Apart in Your 20's?

[ashjohnson80]

I'm so confused right now. A friend that used to be very close to me just called and told me that she is pregnant. I haven't talked to her since last September. I've been friends with this girl since high school and things were really good for a long time. But after I met my future DH things started to get weird. I know that a lot of it was my fault. I didn't trust my future DH and so I spent less time with my girlfriends and after we got married I became obsessed with the whole anti-trust thing.

But as the years went on I don't know if I trusted him more or if I just don't care anymore. But anyway. After my wedding my friend didn't talk to me for over a year. I finally apologized and our other best friend from high school forgave me and we're still very close. But this friend, the one that is pregnant now, she never forgave me. She didn't tell me when she got engaged and she only asked me to be a bridesmaid after another girl dropped out. But I didn't care, I was happy for her. I was in her wedding, I threw her a shower, but I could tell that things would not be the same. And then in Sept. she accused me of giving another one of her friends a dirty look at petco. (I didn't. I'm 25 not 15). So that was that. She stopped talking to me and my other good friend. Now I'm going to see her on Sunday. She couldn't talk about our rift on the phone without getting weepy, and I don't know what I did that was so wrong and I don't know if I can go through this again. I'm past the place of blaming myself and feeling bad for things like that

So do friendships like this have an expiration date?

 

[Blueeyes101817]

Ive had a few friendships change alot in the last couple of years...these were what i had considered "good" friends...it seems when we went away to college, some people got new friends and changed...and not in a good way!

 

[kristen821]

See how it goes after you meet with her. A friendship isn't worth being hurt constantly, but you can forgive and forget a few times. You may not ever be as close as you once were, but there is no need to blame yourself. I am 26 years old and my friends have changed a lot in the last few years, but I still have the friends I care most about. I would just play it by ear.

 

[Equidae]

People grow up and move on. I know my 'old' friends I all met in college. We were just in the same place emotionally and physically at that time and our bonds were stronger. My college friends are the ones I travel to see, the ones in my wedding, the ones that I still plan to see. We graduated several years ago but we're closer than I ever was with my highschool friends. Changing isn't exactly a good or bad thing, it just is. My highschool friends have all gone different ways and we're all such different people now that it isn't the same at all. It's sad when this happens, but if you are truly interested in keeping the relationship than you can. I don't believe friendships really have an expiration date, but sometimes it seems they do.

 

[KarenAylwood]

I'm two years out of college and can see myself staying close with my close friends from college. Many I knew were friends but wouldn't stand the test of time and within two years they've kind of fallen to the side and I'm ok with that- my bond was much stronger with the group I keep in touch with now, travel to see, email daily, etc.

I don't keep in touch with any of my friends in high school. I was in a different place in my life and grew up a lot in college. I formed stronger bonds w/ my college friends and sorority sisters than I ever did with my high school friends.

I do think it's possible to finally "see the light" in terms of a friend you've had for a while. Something happens and you realize- wait, maybe we weren't meant to be friends for life. The important thing is to not get hung up on it. If you tried to save the relationship, it didn't work and you just don't get the same enjoyment out of it, there is no reason to hang on out of a feeling of obligation.

IMO, if she can't forgive you for whatever you did, she wasn't a good enough friend to begin with. See her and feel out whether or not it's appropriate to talk about the past. Maybe give it one more shot and if it works it works, if not- let it go.

Goodluck!

 

[icebrat001]

I think friendships change, I will be 23 soon and my best friend and I aren't close so another one. We haven't seen on another in 2 years (we live 400 miles away) we never talk on the phone, only online. We send pictures, updates, gifts for special occasions but that's pretty much it.

I'm disappointed that we aren't as close as we used to be, but she's immature and she isn't responsible, she isn't doing anything with her life, she's over $70k in credit card debt with an $8 an hour job and no education beyond high school and then complains because she's in so much debt yet she goes out to eat every single night and goes on 2 weekend getaways a month at fancy hotels and goes on 6 large vacations a year and then emails me about how broke she is and how she needs my help to pay these bills.

The older I get, the less tolerant I become of her drama and issues. I can't take it.

 

[Pixiedust34]

As we age, we reach different seasons of our lives. Some friends grow with us, while others branch away into their own seasons.

 

[icebrat001]

As we age, we reach different seasons of our lives. Some friends grow with us, while others branch away into their own seasons.

nicely said!

 

[Caylin]

I've had very similar situations happen. Things do change. A lot. And sometimes not in ways you want them to. It's hard, but hang in there. Also, not to stick up for your friend, but if she's pregnant, she may not always be thinking totally straight. I had a friendship end because I simply couldn't take a friend's behavior. Also, my manager is pregnant right now, and I take everything she says with a big ol' grain of salt. If the friendship is worth saving, it may take a lot more on your part, simply because of your friend's situation. Best of luck, and remember, we're all slowly becoming the people we're meant to be. Learn from everything and grow!

 

[Disney Doll]

Friendships are like any other relationship...they take work and the desire of both people to maintain the friendship.

There is a lot of change and maturity that happens in your 20's...for some folks. For others, not so much.

Some friends are menat ot be lifelong, some friends come into your life for areason,a nd when that reason is gone, so is the friendship. Some friends come into your life for a "season" (ie-high school season or college season) and when when that Season is over, so is the friendship.

 

[LoraJ]

This happened to me starting in my 20's and continuing until today. I moved away from home but I kept in touch with most of my friends by phone at the time. When the internet came I would email as much as I could.

Most of my old friends who got married in their 20's just can't seem to relate to me anymore. I'm in my mid-30's and still single. Over the years I have lost touch with many of them. Everyone was just in a different place. but none of it mattered to me, I loved hearing about their kids or whatever. But I don't always hear from these friends anymore. I guess because we just have nothing in common anymore.

I do still talk to 2 old high school friends. Not every day though, but on occasion. One of them is starting to give me a very hard time because I don't answer her emails fast enough. But honestly, I have nothing to say to her anymore. Because if I call her and i tell her about everything I am doing, I can tell she's not even listening to me. You know you get the "umm hmmm's ahh haaaa". I even said something so ridiculous on the phone with her and she didn't even respond. So I stopped calling and would just email. And when i would email her, I would just ask how her family was and say things were the same here. I've been with my boyfriend for over 3 years and she can never seem to get his name straight. It's such a basic name too. That just shows you how much she pays attention to my life.

So last month she starts getting on my case that I don't email her as much anymore and how worried she is about losing our friendship. So I email her back and tell her everything that is going on with me. What trips I am soon going on (New Orleans) what concerts I am going to, and other stuff. She emails me back knocking down everything I am planning and then implying I have no priorites and how she has a real life with her husband, kids and house. I was like WHAT? I have yet to write her back. She obviously can't relate to me, but it's no reason to cut me down. I just don't need friends like that.

I still care about my old friends though, even if i don't talk to them anymore. We're all just at such different paths in our lives.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I don't have hardly any of the same friends that I had when I was in/right out of high school. My very best friend from all those years and I don't talk much anymore, but I do know that she's still there for me, and I am for her. Most of the rest have just drifted apart.

It's sad, but it does happen. You grow up, you change, they change, and they things you both care about change.

Hugs to you

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think if you want to remain friends you have to do friendship things and not rehash the past. When you rehash you just bring up bad stuff and it is not useful.

I do not have any friends from my 20's. In fact since I moved I am making all new friends in my 40's again.

Although in my 30's we did make friends with people that we are going to go on vacation with this summer. And a few others that I have clicked with. I think you either "click or you don't".

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I am only friends with one girl I knew in high school, and one I knew in middle school. Really "friend" might not be the right word for the girl from middle school. We are still in touch, but only at Christmas.

My very best friend from high school stopped being my friend in some ways right after my wedding. That was when we were 22. What absolutely DOOMED the friendship was when DH and I went back to FL for another friend's wedding a year or so after our wedding. We made arrangements to go to dinner with my "best" friend and her boyfriend. My friend acted like it was very inconvenient for them to meet with us. She went on and on about how she needed to go home after work, let the dog out, go through her mail, etc. Then when we arrived at their house (which is where they wanted to meet so we could see the house) she had just put her pants in the dryer and was nowhere NEAR ready to go. She knew for WEEKS that we were coming to visit yet she didn't bother to have an outfit ready? Dinner was rather tense and unpleasant and we really never spoke to each other again.

The friend who's wedding we were in FL to attend became my new best friend. Called her EVERY weekend, she came to visit when my DS was newborn, I sent her tons of gifts when her DD was born, stayed with them when I went back to FL for yet another wedding, it was perfect. Then when her DD was about 2 she went completely off the deep end. Decided she didn't love her DH, started meeting men on the internet and going to meet them in person. She was cheating on her DH with strangers, some of these guys were married themselves, it was hideous! She came to visit me again to try to get some perspective on her situation, but while she was here she arranged to hook up with yet another internet guy! He stood her up, but still... She divorced her DH and accidentally got pregnant from a guy she met. She married the guy and last I heard she was happy. The whole thing was just so incomprehensible to me I couldn't look at her the same way anymore.

I think it is a pretty safe bet that there will be lots of friends who pass in and out of your life. People you think will be your life-long friends can sometimes become so different you no longer recognize them. It's sad, but hopefully you find other friends you have things in common with.

 

[disney50fam]

Well
I have knowen a friend of mine sisnse I was 5. We were best friends!!!
Now I am lucky if I hear from her once a year.
Its said and I miss the friendship we use to have.
So yes I think friendship can grow apart.
She always says I chose to have a family and she choose to have a Career that hurt. But whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[ashjohnson80]

Wow, lots of responses! Thanks for all of the different insights. I am going to go and see her tomorrow and try to put the past in the past. I know that for me I can forgive her, and I can't make someone forgive me so I will just have to see what happens.