Do Any Of You Walk On Eggshells with Your In-Laws?

[devotedchristian]

I do. DH and I have been married for 11 years. I feel I have to work HARD at having a decent relationship with my Inlaws.

DH was pretty much raised by The Aunts. Older Aunt (Age 54) and Younger Aunt (Age 51). They are extremely competitive and jealous with each other and have been this way for years.

I am much closer to Older Aunt because she and I have much more in common and it angers Younger Aunt. However, over the years, I've tried to make sure BOTH Aunts knew I loved them equally.

But I can't win! It's really a no-win situation for me at all. If I do something with Older Aunt (for example out to dinner) and Younger Aunt finds out about it, she gets p!ssed and acts very cold towards me afterwards.

Okay, Older Aunt and I made plans to take DS (Age 4) to see Christmas Lights a week ago. 3 days later, Younger Aunt called DH and announced she got her pension and 401(k) money (close to $300,000 lump sum payment) and was taking the whole family out to dinner to the Cheesecake Factory.

DH mentioned that although Older Aunt and I (me) had made previous plans for the same day, we would push the date back a week and come to her Retirement party.

I already knew that p!ssed Younger Aunt off because she doesn't like it when Older Aunt and I spend time together. (but she never commented to DH).

I know because this morning as DH was taking me to work, Younger Aunt called and asked: "Are you taking your WIFE to work?" and DH said "yeah, I'm getting ready to drop her off" (Okay, Pause).

I know she's mad because she would have said: "Oh, tell her Good Morning!" but she never acknowledged my presence in the car and also she wouldn't have said "WIFE" she would have used my NAME.

So being the bigger person (as I always am, walking on egg shells) mouthed to DH: "tell her I said Good Morning" as I kissed him before getting out the car.

As I am walking into the building, I am wracking my brain saying to myself "okay what the he!! did I do know?" "Is she angry because she called me after 11pm 2 weeks ago asking we got the flu shot and then when I said yes, she got angry and said 'I told you all NOT to get the flu shot' and I pretty much said "I know Auntie you're right" and she said "No, it's not about me being right" etc...

OR

She is angry because she knows that Older Aunt and I were going to be together this weekend??

And is she going to treat me cold at her Retirement Party/Dinner?

I'm just sick of this! Sick of guessing what her mood is and Sick of her getting an attitude with me about spending time with Older Aunt.

You know why? Older Aunt doesn't smoke marijuanna and chain smoke with her Adult Son. Older Aunt doesn't yell and get angry with me about my Parenting Choices.

Older Aunt doesn't have a "thing" against Only Children (she has one herself). Because Younger Aunt believes "every woman should have AT LEAST 4 Kids" and that's exactly what she said.

Which is WHY she and Older Aunt don't get along anyway. They are 2 sisters like Night and Day.

We had Thanksgiving Dinner at Older Aunts house. They got into a heated argument because she (Younger Aunt) chose THAT TIME to try and convert the family into Israelites. Older Aunt got angry and said "this is not an appropriate time to talk about religion at the dinner table"

Anyway, I made a committment to Younger Aunt. As always, I will be mature and warm by giving her a warm hug and smile and congratulate her on her retirement along with a card. If she treats me cold so be it.

And you know what, I am STILL going out with Older Aunt next weekend to take DS to see Christmas Lights.



I'm not close at all with my family (on drugs and in prison). That's why I try so hard with DH's for the sake of DS.

Do any of you have to work THIS HARD to keep a relationship with your Inlaws?

 

[binny]

nope. I used to work hard with my In laws but finally came to the conclusion that they are adults as well. If they ar egoing to throw hissy fits there is no reason for me to cater to them.


That may sound harsh but truly it is the way it has to be. I have to maintain my sanity. I am civil and nice but I dont think their happiness is MY responsibility.


Once I figured that out my life has become much easier!

 

[connorlevismom]

I have always walked on eggshells with my IL's. MIL does not like me and I feel is really disappointed that I am the one that her son ended up with. I am much to "wild" for her. Wild meaning I like to travel, I like to explore new places, and the wildest behavior of all......me and my family LOVE to dance. She said to me after our wedding reception (that even 6 year later people are still talking about because they had so much fun) "wow, your family is really wild". Seriously, not one person at my wedding (which had 300 guests) got out of control or caused a scene. We just danced and danced and danced.

So yeah, I walk on eggshells around them because they are some of the most judgemental people I have ever met.

Kristine

 

[juligrl]

Fortunately, no. I guess I got lucky in the IL dept. Mine pretty much mind thier own business. They drive DH nuts, but that's another story entirely.

 

[NMAmy]

My MIL passed away last year. I was really scared to meet both her and FIL because I'd heard so many horror stories from one of my SIL's. All of DH's family live in England so I don't see them all that often.

My MIL and I got along great to the surprise of everyone. My FIL is a lot like DH and he and I get along really well, too. So I was walking on eggshells at first but not anymore. My FIL and I email back and forth on a regular basis and speak on the phone pretty regularly. He is really very good to me--last time we visited, I was afraid to touch anything when we went into a store because he'll walk along behind me and buy me everything I touch.

I really feel for my SIL, though. She tries SO hard and, well, the problem is that she just tries TOO hard and it annoys my FIL.

 

[sassyat30]

The only behavior you can control is your own. If she wants to act like a child, so be it ~ there is no reason for everyone to cater to her and give in to her tantrums.

Don't let her get to you and be the bigger person. I know, easier said than done, but you must try.

And why isn't your DH sticking up for you? You are his wife and there is no way my DH would allow anyone in his family to treat me the way you are being treated.


"Rise above, rise above."

 

[kdibattista]

Nope... I don't walk around on eggshells for anyone. Life is too short!!!!

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

Just my BIL. He's pretty much only in a good mood when he's drinking.

 

[Hercules10]

Hubby needs to step up to the plate too by letting your in-laws know that they need to behave or else. As his wife you should hold number one seat IMHO.

 

[AprilShowers]

Oooh hugs to you OP. When I hear stories like this (which is in my opinion emotional abuse!) but that's another thread......
It just makes me want to hug and hug my dear sweat in-laws. I couldn't have hand picked better people to be my in laws. I am so blessed.

I am so sorry that these mean ladies have treated you this way for so long. Maybe it's time that your DH puts his foot down on this passive-aggressive behavior?
Good luck, and don't let it ruin your Christmas!

 

[LindaM]

Nope, I can't be bothered anymore. For years I tried to please MIL, it was pointless, she was/is still miserable and I'll never be "good" enough for her son.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't walk on eggshells with anyone.

I think your dh is what is the problem. He should have stood up for you.

 

[EMom]

If you can't please someone, why continue knocking your head against a wall trying?

A Tale of Two Families: My parents took pride in their children's accomplishments. We didn't much money, so they could not reward our achievements with material things, but we were lavished with praise. We were always told that if we tried our best, they would be proud. They never really put pressure on us, but they never had to. I don't remember ever being hearing things like, "Mrs. Smith's son is so good at ___," and suffering by comparison. Consequently, I always WANTED to please my parents and make them proud.

Contrast that to DH's family. The children would make any normal mother proud. Not a lawbreaker in the bunch aside from the rare traffic ticket. All graduated from top universities and all have successful careers. All are decent human beings and are not a drain on society. They do not sponge off their mother. As she ages, they take excellent care of her, even though she can be mean as a snake.

Yet nothing they have ever done, or ever will do, is good enough. Someone's child is always kinder, has a better job, has given their mother a better present, has produced more grandchildren, got a bigger bonus, sent prettier flowers, etc. Thankfully, all the children realized this years ago, accepted it and do not dwell on it.

They continue to do nice things for her as polite, decent children will do, but do not knock themselves out in hopes of getting the maternal seal of approval, because that ain't happening. I never, ever did it. I am blessed to have not been raised in a home like that because she and I would have butted heads something terrible. Her children have much different temperments from me, just accepted her attitude and never called her on it growing up. I was too feisty and would have gotten in her face at some point as a teen. "What's your problem? Nothing is ever good enough for you! I'm sick of trying to please someone who will never be satisfied. Why don't you KMA?" You get my drift.

I'm soooooo glad I had supportive parents.

Anyway, back to you. The moral of my Tale Of Two Families is that some people can't be pleased and you're wasting energy trying to do it. You're spinning your wheels. Spend that energy on things that make you happy and that you enjoy. You'll be much happier when you "admit defeat" so to speak, recognize that trying to satisfy...or even pacify....Younger Aunt is futile, and stop trying.

BTW, MIL still calls me "your wife" after 20 years. It irritates the crap out of DH. Every single time she does it, he interrupts and says, "She has a name, " or "Her name is ______," but it never makes a dent. It doesn't bother me. It's just part of the package.

 

[Papa Deuce]

No. We can't stand each other and don't hold back...

My MIL is passed away, and she was wonderful, but my FIL....

 

[helloirishkitty]

I currently walk on eggshells for my future mother-in-law... but that'll end soon. I can't be tip-toeing around for the rest of my life

 

[Pakey]

I do not like my IL's and I make no secret about it. I am sure the feelings are mutual but I wouldn't care one way or another. I've been married 30 years, all of my IL's live within 30 minutes of us but I rarely see them. They only come to our house when I'm not home and I do not go to any of their homes. DH and I have never discussed; he just accepts it and/or does not care. I do not care if he wants to spend time with them; I just do not want to be included.

Sorry life is too short to spend time with people you do not like. And if any of my 3 grown sons were to have a spouse who did not like me, I'd totally understand and be okay with it.

 

[Hixski]

My IL's have always been great. FIL passed away about 10 years ago but MIL is 93 and still going strong. DH is the baby (she had him when she was 44) and I thought for sure I would never be good enough but she has always been great to me.

We have issues with MY parents because of my brother. He is the baby and lives at home (has never left) at 44. The older he gets the weirder he gets. My parents (mostly my mother) think it is their job to baby him for the rest of his life. He has never liked DH and is now starting major problems because of that. My parents think it is their duty to keep him happy at all costs. So naturally DH and I are both the bad guys and nothing we do is right. I am having a hard time even having a relationship with my parents because of all the crap my brother is pulling. My brother has always been the chosen one but it is just ridiculous now. It seems like when it comes to the pecking order it goes like this.

Brother
Rest of extended family
The rest of the world
DH and myself.......

Sad thing is the rest of the extended family are seeing how bad it is starting to be.

 

[Beth76]

I have no relationship with the in-laws. We go visit MIL for her birthday and for xmas (she lives 4 hours away). While there, I read a book and stay quiet and try to tune out what's going on around me (except for the kids). We might talk a bit about the kids, but that's it. I don't even answer the phone when she calls.

 

[Abbie]

Next time Younger Aunt (or anyone!) calls to invite your family somewhere, have your husband practice this line: "We'd love to, but I'll have to check with (you) and see what's on the calendar." Then she won't even know if you're going out with Older Aunt (and why should she? none of her business!). Just because they are sisters and have raised your DH doesn't mean you have to like both or enjoy being with both.

By the way, I really admire that you take such effort with them, especially since it sounds like one of them is really kinda difficult. I love my immediate in-laws but my DH has one aunt who never married and is often quite difficult. My MIL still bends over backwards to make sure the aunt is never upset but I've kind of given up with that. I love her but I don't go out of my way to coddle her moods and try to figure out what someone has done to make her mad (she's an equal opportunity grudge-holder, you never know who's pissed her off! ) If she's in one of her moods, I will be sweet as can be to her but I won't grovel at her feet to try to sweeten her up! We just have to wait until it passes. She's really a lovely person, just moody.