Divorcing, Looking for Advice

[a82allison]

My husband and I are divorcing. Our divorce will be uncontested. We have 3 kids between us, 2 together, and 1 "his". My step-daughter is 10yo and has not had contact with her bio-mom in 9years. Bio-mom just walked away. SD has been with me and DH ever since. DH never filed to take away rights from bio-mom or anything, nothing was ever done through the courts. He was never married to her. She just walked away and he never heard from her again. He and Bio-Mom are listed on her birth certificate.
Sooooo... now I'm wondering what's going to happen in the divorce. My Step-Daughter has lived with me throughout our separation and will continue after the divorce regardless of what the courts say about custody and all that because my DH is not fighting that at all. Its best for the girls to stay together and I've raised her as my daughter.
What I'm wondering, is, will I have any rights at all to her? Or will it just be a verbal agreement between DH and I? We already know that he will be paying child support for our 2 kids we had together, but will he also be paying child support for his daughter living with me (my step daughter)?

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP,

First of all . I know it wasn't easy reaching this decision. I admire you for not turning your back on "his" daughter. It sounds like you love her very much. She is lucky to have you!

I would want to protect her legally so I would probably want more than just a verbal agreement.

Good luck!

TC

 

[Deb in IA]

I'm no lawyer, but I believe that you legally do not have any rights in regards to your husband's daughter.

I would seek, at the very least, legal guardianship.

 

[overlyspoiled4sure]

Although I only have one suggestion for you, OP, I want to contratulate you on wanting to keep your step-daughter. It sounds as though you & your soon-to-be ex are the stability in her life. I would imagine he'll want to pay child support for all 3 kids since they're all "his".

You would be smart to get something legal from the courts to keep your stepdaughter to avoid any possible future disruption in her life.

Good luck to all of you & God Bless!

 

[golfgal]

Maybe though the divorce proceedings you can also file for adoption of your step-daughter? I agree with Deb that you need to at least get guardianship of her if for nothing else, taking her to the doctor, etc.

 

[momof1princess]

OP, as a former legal secretary, since the step-daughter is no relation to you but will be living with you, i would advise (and bear in mind, i'm in NO position to give legal advice, just basing this on my work experience) you to talk with your DH about legal guardianship. this shouldn't be too difficult, since the divorce is uncontested. it is in the best interest of you, your DH, AND the daughter-if something happened to her, heaven forbid, you, as her ex-step-mom would have no legal right to even obtain medical care, and your DH would be covered if bio-mom came back to town pitching a fit about DSD's living arrangements.
i wish you the best of luck.

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

You really need to become her legal guardian or possibly adopt her. What would happen if she needed medical care? I'm certainly not an expert but with HIPAA rules and everything can her doctor even discuss her medical appointments with you?

Not to mention, the biological Mother could have a change of heart and come back. If she decides she wants custody, wouldn't a Judge assume the Father had abandoned her also?

 

[a82allison]

You really need to become her legal guardian or possibly adopt her. What would happen if she needed medical care? I'm certainly not an expert but with HIPAA rules and everything can her doctor even discuss her medical appointments with you?

Not to mention, the biological Mother could have a change of heart and come back. If she decides she wants custody, wouldn't a Judge assume the Father had abandoned her also?

I have no idea. That's why I'm asking. I've always taken her to the doctor and all that, enrolled her in school, and everything else and I've never been questioned. But that is probably just "luck". I don't know how to go about adopting her, especially now with us divorcing. Her bio-mom neither one of us know how to contact, although I know where my stepdaughters grandparents live, if they still live in the same place. My step-daughter at this point doesn't even know that she isn't "mine".
And I can't afford a pricey lawyer that charges by the hour to "discuss" this. Where can I look to find out more information? And her father definitely hasn't abandoned her, we're just divorcing and I will be the custodial parent. Although with her everything is just stickier, and I want to make sure I'm doing whatever I can to do things the safest, best way. We won't separate them, that would be horrible. I can't even imagine if her bio-mom came back that would be crazy.

 

[mickeylove2]

In the custody agreement through the court, you can get all of this filed. As far as the bio mom, IDK, but when I went through my divorce I had everything written out for my oldest DD who is not my ex's biological DD. This wasn't new to the judge. No biggie for him to have visitation and such so I wouldn't think it would be a problem for you to become legally responsible for your DD in this situation. OTOH, your DH needs to file abandonment on the bio mom and get her rights terminated. I can't believe that he hasn't done that in all these years...when my oldest DBro died, his wife remarried and wanted her new DH to adopt my neice, all she had to do was put an ad in the paper that she was doing this and as long as nobody contested it, he was able to adopt her. With abandonment I would think it would be a little more involved but not difficult. Basically he would have to try and serve her with papers and if he has no idea where she is living or working, a classified ad in the paper is the next step. (At least around here that's what they do- even when kids are in foster care before they can be adopted this is what DSS has to do.) Good luck and hugs to you.

 

[bettymae1121]

I'm no legal expert but I can see a whole mess of ways this could come back and bite you.

First of all, while I hope you and your soon-to-be ex will keep it civil, if it turns nasty he could keep her from you completely and you'd have no real legal recourse that I know of. Also, even if she did live with you I'm not sure if he would have to pay you any sort of support, so your support would be based on two kids not three. Plus there is the medical reasons others have stated, that's another huge mess. Also, what if *either* of you ever want to take her on vacation out of the US? Many countries require a signed letter from the parent not present on the trip giving the okay to take the child out of the US, you'd both be stuck in that case, because absent bio mom can't sign any such letter.

And heaven forbid, but what if your ex-DH dies? What happens to her then? You'd have no legal right to her and a judge could easily award her to your DH's family. At best you'd get visitation only so your kids could visit their half-sister. And there was another poster here on the DIS that went through a nightmare over a lawsuit/settlement of some sort her minor daughter won, her daughter later died and bio-dad came out of the wood work wanting "his share" of the settlement, he had walked away years ago!

Really, it's best for all concerned for your ex-DH to sever bio-mom's rights, if nothing else, and then hopefully he won't contest you adopting her or in some way giving her a legal claim to her.

 

[eeyorethegreat]

I know you said you can't afford a lawyer but in these special cicumstances I think you need to. I know that a family in my class is in the process of adopting a step child (child is not the bio father. Bio father has been uninvolved) . They had to make an effort to locate the bio father by publishing in the newspapers in the last known area- I think three times . The bio father hasn't responded and now they are proceeding with the adoption. THis is a family that is together though, so I think your situations requires other special considerations.

Given that this is going to be a legal issue of some sort even though this is uncontested divorce and your soon to be XH will support the custody of his daughter with you, have you and XH considered talking to DD about you not being her bio mom like she thinks you are? It isn't a judgement at all as it is non of my business. But It's just something to think about should this information come out to her unexpectedly. Obviously you are her mother in all the ways that it matters except legally. People talk especially during divorces no matter how amicable they are. You might want to touch base with XH should your DD find out from some one other than you, how you would approach the situation.

Best of luck! It sounds like you both have your children's best interests in the forefront!

 

[angie@dvcstore]

Sorry for that, hope everything goes well

 

[LuvOrlando]

The Legal Aid Society might help you, look them up for your region.

Since your almost ex won't be fighting you on this it sounds like having you declared her adoptive mother would probably be the best thing to do before you legally split up. Once you are divorced it might be harder to get this accomplished since you will then have absolutely no visible claim to the child.
Good luck

 

[*pixie*dust*]

Bio mom still has rights. Even if Bio Dad wants you to have custody it will be messy. Until hers are terminated you will have a very difficult time with anything legal and binding since you are neither of her bio parents.

 

[abdmom]

Honestly, I would hire a lawyer for this. I'm a widow and have heard of sooo many issues with stepchildren when the biological parent dies. A significant percentage of biological parents do die before a child is 18. Even if, say, the sister of the bio-mom decides she wants to fight you for custody, she could. You have no blood relation - protect your rights and the rights of your stepdaughter.

 

[MickeySP]

ITA Legal Aide, if they can't do it I am sure they can give you some guidance.

I would def try to adopt her,it would save HUGE trouble down the line. It was also make your SD be "yours" and more secure when she finds out the whole situation. As long as her bio mom gives you no trouble it is not that complicated justly time consuming and slow.

I would at the very least get guardianship for her with everything spelled out in minute detail

 

[jetprincess]

Since your divorce seems to be amicable, could you consider going through the adoption process first and then going through with the divorce?

 

[EllenFrasier]

I have no legal background, but have heard of similar situations. Here are some thoughts on this:

1) If you want to have legal or shared guardianship of the SD with your soon to be ex-husband, just like you will with your own two biological children, then you should have something legally done to make yourself a guardian.

2) I think you will have to post a search, maybe in a newspaper or two, looking for the real mother. This is the scary part. You do not want her to show up, but I think you have to prove to the courts that you both looked for her.

3) You must have something to show you are the SD's legal guardian for medical reasons and for the schools.

Good luck and I'm glad you treat her as your own.

 

[manning]

OUCH, sounds like a legal mess !!!!

 

[a82allison]

OUCH, sounds like a legal mess !!!!

Yes..it's a mess. I am almost certain that even if bio-mom did notice something or we happened to actually find her, i doubt she would not sign her over. Bio-Mom sent ME a mother's day card one year telling me that I was now her "daughters" mother.
But crazy things do happen.

I will try to find out some legal information.. It sounds like my best bet is to try and adopt her before we actually divorce. I'm just wondering if there is actually a lawyer that would do the adoption..and then follow it up with a divorce? lol... I'm panicking a little bit here, although DH and I are "amicable" I don't think he sees the whole picture when it comes the situation surrounding her...he believes it should be simple, when it is definitely sounding anything but..