Divorced DISers -- When Does It Get Any Better ???

[EdiePA]

(Long post. Sorry, Pop Daddy!)

Ex and I were married 21 years, separated for 2 1/2 years and the divorce was final the first of June. My EX was cheating -- I didn't want this and this isn't the life I ever envisioned for me.

I'm back to working full-time and my sons are basically grown. DS#1 just got married two weeks ago and DS#2 (age 19) is home for the summer, but basically self-sufficient (has a job and will be heading back to Penn State in August.)

A month ago, an old boyfriend started calling me and we talked for hours and had planned a date. He showed up unexpectedly one Saturday -- just as I was out of shower. His first impression of me in 15 years was with a wet head and no make-up. I guess reality was just too much for him, he never called again. The problem was, those conversations opened up feelings that I thought were gone -- the need for someone to talk to, and to share with.

I'm tired of trying, tired of crying and battling depression. I just realized that I have a better chance of getting struck by lightening than I do of finding a committed relationship.

So, does it ever get better? And how long does it take? I'm just glad that I didn't know how rough this road was going to be three years ago...

Thanks for "listening",
Edie

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Don't have any real advice for you, only cyber hugs. I can say though, that if that person were so shallow as to judge you on appearance after several talks, then you are well rid of him.

Hold yourself true. Focus on you. Do what you please, and enjoy every moment of glorious freedom.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

 

[Pin Wizard]

Timing is different for everyone. The best advice I've gotten is to get involved in things I like and I'll meet someone with a similar interest. Have I done it? No! LOL! But this is taking waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long! Does it get any better? It hasn't for me. I can appreciate things I'm fortunate enough to have, but still...I want an adult to share life with!!! And reading recent posts on here, I'm missing a heck of a lot!!

P.S. I'm not divorced, but I am widowed 11.5 years.

 

[grinningghost]

I'm not divorced, so I can't give first-hand advice, but I can give you a hug and tell you that when the time is right, things will happen. Until then, hang with us. We like everyone - divorced, married, single, widowed, pretty, ugly, thin, fat, old, young, rich, poor, blue collar, white collar, animal, vegetable, mineral...

 

[jrydberg]

In my experience, a positive attitude helps everything.

 

[TigerBear]

Originally posted by EdiePA
This isn't the life I ever envisioned for me.

Oh, Edie how I completely understand this thought. Recovering from a divorce is a journey with many hills and valleys. Your old friend was obviously not right for you. Please do not let that one experience make you feel less hopeful about finding a lasting love.

I do think though that it is important to fully grieve your old relationship before moving on. I actually gained some comfort from self-help literature during my divorce. John Gray has a book entited "Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One"

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...002-8748865-5494426?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

I agree with PW about doing things you enjoy. Get active. Get out of the house. Spend time with friends. Walk at the park. Do volunteer work. You never know where your Mr. Right will show up. And don't forget that in today's world, many people utilize the internet to find dating partners. When you are ready, take a look at least at Match.com and e-harmony.com. See if you might be interested. I've been dating a guy for over a year that I met on match!

Hugs and best wishes to you! Like DVC said - take care of yourself first.

 

[Catzeyes]

I have been divorced for 18 months now and it did get better. My ex and I are still great friends we were just lousey at being married. I am marrying one of my old friends in 4 months. Hang in there and hugs. Never give up hope.

 

[Serena]

Edie, I do understand. I want and need to share my life with someone. I know other people do too, but to have your life turned upside down is hard.
Remember, that at the moment, there is no other way. I mean you could be going to the bars, or whatever, meeting men and having the temporary comfort, or you can just live your new life the best way you can.

I realized it feels like one of my Danielle Steele novels. I'm just in the middle, learning about myself, getting over the loss of my old life, trying to figure out my new one. It gets hard when you get lonely, but be patient, it's just not our time yet.
But, the best is yet to come. Just know that when the right person comes along, he will be appreciated all that much more.

{{{hug}}}

In the mean time, be good to yourself.

I have to add. Edie, do you have a big soft stuffed animal? Sometimes at night it's really nice to hold onto. It may be soft and fluffy, instead of warm, but it helps.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Agree it depends on how long you were married, and the circumsatnces surrounding the divorce.

I had an abusive ExH. He was always so nice for 2 years until we were "legally" attached at which point he started to literally act like a psychopath. I was so glad to be rid of him that I was happily dating someone else three or four months later (whom I'm still with years later).

But you were with your ex for 21 years. That is a lot longer than the 6 weeks I was married.

It's going to take time. Your ability to trust men may be hampered for some time too, because your ex cheated. I know I was very hesitant to actually commit to my DBF after my annullment was finalized. I still plan to never marry again (which makes my DBF very happy because he refuses to ever marry anyone ever because he thinks being legally attached to someone is silly; I have my own reasons for not wanting to be married again).

You need to just figure out what you want and when you do, take the steps slowly to get there. If you want someone to talk to, my best advice would be to join a club, sign up for a class etc. where you might find someone you have a lot in common with. If that doesn't work, you could always try an online dating service where you could communicate via email for a while before actually having a date.

Best to you. You'll be okay.

 

[Kitty 34]

It gets better..........you just have to be patient.


{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

 

[stamper]

Edie, my friend...I'm so sorry to hear about your old friend and the way he acted. But I agree that he obviously is not the one for you....but it sure does hurt just the same!

My story is much like EsmeraldaX....thankfully my ExH did't get around to the physical abuse before I left...although his present wife has been hit a few times. I really felt it was just a matter of time and if in the 5 yrs. we were married it didn't get better, then it probably wasn't going to. I was soooo glad to be gone. I can almost deal with him now. But my time with him has changed me forever, just as your experience has changed you forever. You need to figure out just who you are now before you can really decide on who is right to share life with the new you.

In the mean time, taking some classes is a great idea. Are there any things you might like to learn? Check your local adult ed and see what they offer. I took a class last fall and really enjoyed being out with adults (other than DH that is). I am a stay at home mom and babysit my niece during the school year, so time away from home for myself is a rare treat! How about clubs that interest you? Get a pet for company . How about groups at your church?


Edie, I so wish we lived closer to you! I promise I'll do better at keeping you in my prayers! I know this is not the life you wanted or envisioned or asked for...for some reason though this is the one you have been given. Somewhere, there is a reason for it. For me, things got better when I was able to use my experiences to help someone else through similar times....it gave my nightmare meaning and purpose.

I'm gonna PM you too

 

[totalia]

I'm divorced.

Believe me things will get better.

I also have to say, stop looking for someone. Until your no longer depressed and actually getting on with your life, your bringing baggage into whatever new relationship you go into thats going to adversly effect it.

 

[Virgo10]

Yes, it does get better.

A great way to meet people is through Parents Without Partners. You can do as much or as little as you want. Just about every age group belongs.

http://www.parentswithoutpartners.org/

Good luck!

Roberta

 

[pajamommy]

It does get better, way better. Timing is different for everyone, my Ex H and I separated last Sept. and our divorce was final in March, and I'm now at the point that I feel really great about my life and truly happy. I keep very busy, I now work full-time, and the nights and weekends that my ex has the kids, I'm out enjoying life with friends and family. I've had more fun since my ex and I have been apart!

It also helps that my ex and I have a super relationship, even better now then when we were married. I tell him that he's a much better ex-h then he was a husband! We always put the kids first, so we have no choice but to remain great friends and partners in raising the kids.

And, whoever said a positive attitude helps is right on. Life is not over, its just different, and I've found a lot of new doors opening for me since the other door closed.

Good luck!

 

[Yardbird]

Been there. After 18 years of marriage mine ended pretty much the same way as yours. Sure I went through the grieving process, and heard thing such as: "I have a better chance of getting struck by lightening than I do of finding a committed relationship." At times I would take comments such as this in, and it would have me feeling extremely sad. Then I started refusing to believe what people or statistics said, and instead started believing that my God is an awesome God, and if I wanted someone special to spend my life with, I would, in God's time. So, I worked on not dwelling on it, became more social, hung out in places where I would meet people who were of like mind, and continued to have faith. Did I have times of doubt, sure. Did I have times when I was sad, sure. Eventually, I started enjoying my life for what it was, and focused on all that I had to be grateful for. In God's time, and way, I met the wonderful man that I have been married to for the past ten years. Focus on the good, and more will come your way. Believe.

 

[Teejay32]

Originally posted by Catzeyes
My ex and I are still great friends we were just lousey at being married.

I'm so there. Believe me we have tried. Separated now, but we're friends and we rely on each other a lot still, so no one's really motivated to get a divorce either. It's like marriage purgatory, with potential for divorce.

I spend part of the time thinking I'm getting old, I'm going to end up alone for the next 97 years and the house is going to fall down around me, and plus, whatever skills I used to have in the workplace are long outdated, after 9 years of SAHMhood. I'll be lucky to make $7 and hour at my next job and I'll be supervised by recent college grads with pierced eyebrows.

Then, I think to myself, I am no longer hunting for dirty socks under the bed, or around in couch cushions for the remote control, on a regular basis. I always know what bills have been paid and when. I can be online for the next 8 hours if I feel like it and have scrambled eggs for supper. I could paint the bedroom pink and hang a disco ball in it...who cares? I might decide to sell the house even. I'm a lot better off than some people find themselves when splitting up. After a while I'm wondering why it's necessarily better being part of a twosome.

So my attitude is a work in progress. One thing that does help is having trusted, supportive people around to give ideas and suggestions, talk you into doing things you normally wouldn't, and/or tell you when you're being a weenie about something. Or all of the above, which is how I ended up with the new gym membership that I really don't need. Ah well.

Hugs Edie! Take care of yourself...

 

[Pop Daddy]

Originally posted by EdiePA
(Long post. Sorry, Pop Daddy!)

...
Edie

thats alright your hurting, hang in there

 

[Pooh67_68]

 

[mtblujeans]

Originally posted by totalia
I'm divorced. Believe me things will get better.

I also have to say, stop looking for someone. Until your no longer depressed and actually getting on with your life, your bringing baggage into whatever new relationship you go into thats going to adversly effect it.

THIS IS THE ANSWER! Make your own life. Keep busy and you won't give in to depression. By keeping busy, I mean do things that you like to do. Either volunteer work, or job, or whatever makes you happy. Once you have a routine and a life you are happy with, heaven knows what wonderful things will happen for you. But, it is important to establish yourself first! Set goals for yourself and keep on that path. I have been divorced and I think the one big thing I learned (among alot of things) is to 'build' for yourself. After that, everything else becomes a 'snap'. Don't forget your friends are here 24 hours each day, too!

 

[bigsis1970]

Just another post to say hang in there .. Met my Ex when i was 15 he was my first real boyfriend -- cheated on my numerous times and left me after 12 years.. for a long time I wanted to just spit nails in his eyes .. but we have 2 wonderful children..it took me about 2 and half years to come out of my shell part way and that is where i still am -my EX and me get along much better today then ever-- he is someone's problem and I am glad to think of it that way .. his saving grace is that he is a WONDERFUL father to our kids and SHE is a good person to them as well ( and if she wasn't well there would H*** to pay ) matter of fact her and I talk alot about the kids and my Ex..LOL jokes on her now I guess .. HEE HEE .. When i am bored/lonely/sad I just come here -- lots of times find something that makes me think HUM its not so bad to be me and things to chuckle about .. Take care and HUGS Michelle