Divorce

[smokeyblue]

I'm really sorry you are going though this and wish you the best in finding happiness. I have no advice about divorce, but working in the healthcare field I do have some advice about the mental illness you are dealing with.

Please set him up with a support system before you leave. Let his family, friends and health care providers know what is happening so they can provide support for him. I know this makes things harder, but he is still the father of your children.

Again I'm really sorry. I hope it all works out for you.

 

[princess isabella]

I'm sorry for you and your kids. I recently ended an on again off again relationship with my ex, who is also bipolar. It was the best thing to do and no matter how hard it may be the best thing for you and your kids.

If you need any support feel free to contact me. Good luck.

 

[Colleen27]

It is such a tough situation all the way around when an illness is the catalyst for divorce. My parents divorced under similar circumstances, and it took years for us kids to really understand. Get your ducks in a row and stay strong, for yourself and for the kids, and don't try to hide your husband's illness from them. It is a fine line to walk, between honesty and not coming off as badmouthing their father, but kids imagine the worst when they're kept in the dark.

 

[sookie]

ok... everyones ex is crazy, bipolar, etc... well, not everyone, but people can say that and it be true or not true. so, i can see what the PP is saying.
the one thing that did strike me was someone said that the kids were in danger because of his bipolar disorder. not every bipolar person is dangerous. people can be mentally ill but not be a threat. people who are not mentally ill can be a threat (thing of some of these murderers who are perfectly sane).

that being said - OP - i hope that things work out - divorce sucks. sounds like you have been through the wringer already. trying to make it as painless for both you and him and the kids is good, because that will be better for the kids in the long run. whats important in this is that you want to get out - so, its best at this point to get out. the main thing is - doing it where it is as unconfrontational as possible - will help. i think you doing it while he is at work is probably a good plan. plus you don't want him to have a bipolar episode or have a mental breakdown because that can affect the kids, especially if they see that. like you have said, the have probably seen enough - most kids who are in the middle of divorce see too much.

The kids do have a right to their dad as long as he gets his crap together and as long as he is safe, their dad has a right to them too.

Take care...

 

[sookie]

another thing - take the originals or the COPIES of all the importnat documetns - birth certificates, marriage cert, social security cards - that you can. things that are his - try to get copies too before you leave if you can. probably would be the best thing to give him copies of ssc, importnat docs too (if you can get the originals). just try to be as fair as possible.

 

[SKWDW]

Bi-polar sucks! My mom has it and is just coming out of such a bad episode that I had to have her hospitalized for 2 weeks.

It's not shocking that your husband's bi-polar didn't manifest itself until a short time ago. It often shows up in the mid-20's and even as late as the mid-30's.

Getting out of the house and getting custody of the kids sounds like the best thing for all of you. Good luck.

As far as budget friendly, talk to a woman's shelter about assistance with your divorce expenses. Since he's been controlling and potentially dangerous to the kids, a shelter organization might be able to help. Either with $$ or by providing an attorney that works pro-bono with their clients.

Good luck!

No, I had no idea he was bi-polar. It only manifested about 2 yrs ago. I know he tended to depression but it had always been controlled with medication. He lied about many things that I didn't find out till after the marriage.

My parents think he just hid it so well until he couldn't anymore.

Yes, things have gotten very physical. No matter how many times I denied having these affairs, nothing I said would make him believe. I don't think a person can understand how frustrating it is, to be accused and then not believed.

 

[jewelgrrl]

I don't really have any advice on the money part, but just wanted to offer my support for your decision to leave. You are right, your and your kids safety should come first. Unfortunately, my mom has bipolar disorder that wasn't diagnosed until later in life. The fact is that the longer it is left untreated and the more times they go off and on the meds the more episodes they will have. And the more episodes they have than it is much less likely they will ever get back to that point they were at before the episode, even if they do start to take their meds regularly.

Earlier this year I learned of a wonderful non profit support group for those who have family members with a mental illness. It's called NAMI. They also have groups for those who have an illness. They also have a class called Family to Family where I learned so much about the disease and really just how to deal with all the feelings I'd been going through. It literally changed my life. Please go to their website at nami.org and search for your state. You'll find a support group that could help you and your children to deal with all this. It's free. I sure wish that while I was growing up in that chaotic world there had been something like this just so I wouldn't have thought it was normal.

My best wishes to you, April

 

[Maggie'sMom]

ok... everyones ex is crazy, bipolar, etc... well, not everyone, but people can say that and it be true or not true. so, i can see what the PP is saying.
the one thing that did strike me was someone said that the kids were in danger because of his bipolar disorder. not every bipolar person is dangerous. people can be mentally ill but not be a threat. people who are not mentally ill can be a threat (thing of some of these murderers who are perfectly sane).

I divorced from my ex under similar circumstances as the OP. He is bipolar (long family history of bipolar disorder), but was stable when we met and married. He relapsed after we married and sought treatment at my insistence. But he wouldn't stick with it. It wasn't until our DD was diagnosed with BPD (3 years after our divorce) that he started taking it seriously. Somehow seeing the behaviors he exhibited for so long mirrored in his DD caused him to change.

I am unfortunately very well aware of bipolar rages, manic euphoria, and the depths of depression that result in suicidal threats. I've witnessed these in both my ex and my DD. While not all people with BPD are violent, the nature of the illness can create unsafe situations. Someone in a manic state can be feeling such euphoria and grandiosity that they won't correctly perceive a dangerous situation. And someone in a depressive state is more likely to harm themselves and others. If a bipolar parent is refusing to seek help, it does create danger for the children while they are with that parent.

To the OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are doing the right thing. I'm guessing this isn't the first time he's gone off his meds, and it likely won't be the last. As for making it budget friendly, that's hard to do. I will echo the PPs' suggestions that you not sign any leases or move out until you discuss it with an attorney. You do need to set up a separate checking account for yourself and make sure to cancel all credit cards that are in your names jointly. Also, please seek counseling for yourself and your children. Hang in there. The immediate future will be rough, but better times are ahead.

 

[lisabarr]

First of all, thanks to everyone who has offered support. As a long time member of this board, I thought it would be a good place to come and get some support because I am going through a very hard time.

I didn't "trash" my ex. I simply stated the facts and didn't expect all the other stories. It's good to know I am not alone. I think you can see by my previous posts, that I am not a pot-stirrer or troublemaker. Just really needed somewhere to vent, as this is just an awful situation.

The sad thing is, it needn't have come to this. I wanted this marriage to work. Mental illness is so destructive and unless you have walked in my shoes, you couldn't possibly know what it is like.

To the PP who suggested that support group, TY, I ama going to check that out!

 

[TLuvsD]

(((hugs)))While copying documents, copy the tax returns, the financial documents related to the house (yes, even in foreclosure), the patent documents (might go somewhere in the future). If you don't have the tax returns, and you signed them, you can get copies from the IRS. Copy the bank statements, credit card bills, etc. Better to copy it while you can and not need it, than to need it and not be able to get it later.
Don't forget to let your children's teachers know there has been a change in the family situation...they can help your kids at school. Talk to the attorney first, maybe you can change the release forms at the school so the ex can't sign out your kids, if you think they are in danger. File change of address forms, follow up for important documents (ie the stuff you will need to file your taxes, schools, doctors).

 

[santadog]

I went through a very similar situation with a wife who is bi-polar/schizophrenic (yes, diagnosed).

My solution, to keep my daughter safest was to call Crisis Intervention (that's what it's called in Madison: I assume there is an outfit in Florida that offers the same services).
I had a relative watch our daughter for a weekend, and met a Crisis Intervention counselor near our home. After interviewing her, they suggested a 3 day commitment. While she was there, I took the time to get the legal ball rolling, including a restraining order and had her served with papers.

My divorce will be final next month - I was granted full custody and placement. The ex is only allowed supervised visits at a neutral location.

It's tough, but you can do it, be strong for the kids' sake.

 

[NJtoATL]

Sorry for what you are going through. The only advice I will give is STOP talking about this on this forum or email in general. I know you need a sounding board for support. When my best friend was going through her divorce, her then husband put a device on the computer. He was able to make a transcript of EVERY conversation she had via email. He and his lawyer used this information in court.

Be careful and good luck.

 

[cm8]

Thank you. The home is in the last stages of foreclosure. He was unemployed for over two years and blew through our savings pattening(sp) an invention that went nowhere. So while we had equity, after two years, there is none left and the bank would not work with us.

I just need to start over. My kids are the most important thing. They shouldn't have to be exposed to what they have already seen and heard.

I know just what you mean. My first husband was Bi- polar too

 

[sparklynails23]

Just curious, what was his invention?

 

[santadog]

Sorry for what you are going through. The only advice I will give is STOP talking about this on this forum or email in general. I know you need a sounding board for support. When my best friend was going through her divorce, her then husband put a device on the computer. He was able to make a transcript of EVERY conversation she had via email. He and his lawyer used this information in court.

Be careful and good luck.

Surprised your friends lawyer allowed those to be entered into evidence. Since the internet flows over the same lines as telephone communications, it could be argued that his intercepting them could be a form of wire tapping

 

[starry_solo]

As a longtime lurker, I wanted to say sorry for what you are going through.

I agree with the other posters about making copies of all the financial things. What I would also do (check with your attorney) is cancel all joint credit cards and take out 1/2 the money in any joint bank accounts. Open up new credit cards/bank accounts in your name only. Depending on how your credit history is (was everything in his name, etc), you may need to establish your own credit history.

 

[cheriemek]

Just wanted to say I'm sending hugs to you and your kids.

 

[OrangeCountyCommuter]

Surprised your friends lawyer allowed those to be entered into evidence. Since the internet flows over the same lines as telephone communications, it could be argued that his intercepting them could be a form of wire tapping

These type of conversations are being used all the time. You do NOT have the same protection on the internet as people have learned. I would agree that OP needs to be very careful. Also, since she has a job her work email may be discoverable too.

 

[Disneyelf10]

just wanted to pass this onto you. good luck and I hope you have support from your family and friends during this time.

 

[SassyLassy]

No advice on the legal matters but I wanted to wish you all the best luck and say THANK GOODNESS for a mom like you! My mother was bi-polar and it was extremely hard for a teen to go through with their parent. I loved her with all my heart but I will not lie and say that it didn't affect me. It affected me and many of the future relationships. Thank you for taking care of this so that your children can be minimally affected by this.

Sending thoughts and prayers to you and your kids.