Divorce

[lisabarr]

I have finally made the difficult decision to divorce my husband. This has been a long time coming. He is bi-polar who went off of his medication for another cycle of crazy and I have realized that this is going to be the rest of my life unless I make a change now.

So, I had given a deposit to an attorney last year when it was really bad and I called today to get things going again, of course they are closed.

I have been looking for a rental for the kids and myself, because he won't leave and it's just easier this way. I plan on moving next week while he is at work to minimize the crazy.

If anyone has advice or tips or how to make this budget friendly (HaHa) I would love to hear it.

 

[heartsy77]

I have finally made the difficult decision to divorce my husband. This has been a long time coming. He is bi-polar who went off of his medication for another cycle of crazy and I have realized that this is going to be the rest of my life unless I make a change now.

So, I had given a deposit to an attorney last year when it was really bad and I called today to get things going again, of course they are closed.

I have been looking for a rental for the kids and myself, because he won't leave and it's just easier this way. I plan on moving next week while he is at work to minimize the crazy.

If anyone has advice or tips or how to make this budget friendly (HaHa) I would love to hear it.

No advise just ! Good luck that is a tough disease to deal with!

 

[semo233]

Alhtough the safety (physical and emotional) of your children and yourself should be your first concern, by leaving, you may be walking away from your home and its value. Check with your attourney before making the final decision to move or signing a lease/rental agreement.

Good prayers and wishes are being sent your way....

 

[lisabarr]

Alhtough the safety (physical and emotional) of your children and yourself should be your first concern, by leaving, you may be walking away from your home and its value. Check with your attourney before making the final decision to move or signing a lease/rental agreement.

Good prayers and wishes are being sent your way....

Thank you. The home is in the last stages of foreclosure. He was unemployed for over two years and blew through our savings pattening(sp) an invention that went nowhere. So while we had equity, after two years, there is none left and the bank would not work with us.

I just need to start over. My kids are the most important thing. They shouldn't have to be exposed to what they have already seen and heard.

 

[cari12]

I would talk to a lawyer before moving anywhere. There are also legal implications with taking the kids out of the family home -legally, unless they are in danger, their lives need to be disrupted as little as possible. I was considering leaving my husband last year and briefly spoke to a lawyer.
Financially, the house is half yours and it is the kids family home so your husband should be the one to leave and pay you child support in order for you and the kids to stay in the house. You may need legal help to make that happen. Hugs and best of luck, its a tough decision.

 

[horseshowmom]

Thank you. The home is in the last stages of foreclosure. He was unemployed for over two years and blew through our savings pattening(sp) an invention that went nowhere. So while we had equity, after two years, there is none left and the bank would not work with us.

I just need to start over. My kids are the most important thing. They shouldn't have to be exposed to what they have already seen and heard.

You have my sympathy. My FiL was bipolar (he died a couple of years ago). The children in his family had a rough time growing up, and MiL always made excuses for him (guess that was her way of dealing with it). He continued to be that way throughout his life (meds were of very limited assistance) and could be really nasty sometimes. Sadly, I couldn't help but think that MiL was set free when he died.

 

[lttlmc3]

I don't have any money saving ideas, but I wanted to lend my support. My husband is bi-polar, and I know how it can be when he doesn't take his meds. Fortunately, in my husband's position, he has really learned from it, but I can completely understand what you are doing because yours won't. I really don't think that people understand how hard it can be on spouses. There are all sorts of concern and support for the ill ones and we are left just to give all of ourselves without anything to help us. There needs to be support groups for us too.

 

[hffmnheidi]

If he's off his meds-your kids could be 'potentially' at danger and I think taking them out of the house is probably the best thing you could do. Stay strong for yourself and for them. You are the only stable parent they have right now. Make sure you take time for yourself during this painful process because you need to be okay to be okay for them. Good luck.

 

[Singleminnie]

I was in your same shoes (minus the bi-polar crazy, mine had ADHD, just plain crazy) two years ago. I did the paperwork with my attorney, and filed it, but I had not left the home yet. We ended up going to court for temporary custody which I had to present affidavits of his verbal abuse!

I rented an apt. in the town I worked (25 miles from our home) and the judge allowed me to take them with me and change schools, etc. I don't know how far away you plan to move, but if it is far talk to your atty first. Be prepared if he has any financial support he will drag this out! Mine ex is an only child of elderly parents with money, so he ended up taking me to trial, he would not even discuss any agreement. Quit the pt-time job he had, they supported him, but I could not even get support from them (b/c it was a "gift"). I am telling you this because you need to be prepared to support yourself and your children on your own. Luckily I make a decent wage and had some support from my family too! My ex appealed the judges decision to our state court of appeals. I had to hired another atty. My last took mercy on me and did it cheap, I went through my state's volunteer lawyer project who wrote my appeal brief. Now we wait for the court of appeals to review them.

I would not change a thing! If you want to pm me, I would love to help you out if I can.

 

[lisabarr]

I was in your same shoes (minus the bi-polar crazy, mine had ADHD, just plain crazy) two years ago. I did the paperwork with my attorney, and filed it, but I had not left the home yet. We ended up going to court for temporary custody which I had to present affidavits of his verbal abuse!

I rented an apt. in the town I worked (25 miles from our home) and the judge allowed me to take them with me and change schools, etc. I don't know how far away you plan to move, but if it is far talk to your atty first. Be prepared if he has any financial support he will drag this out! Mine ex is an only child of elderly parents with money, so he ended up taking me to trial, he would not even discuss any agreement. Quit the pt-time job he had, they supported him, but I could not even get support from them (b/c it was a "gift"). I am telling you this because you need to be prepared to support yourself and your children on your own. Luckily I make a decent wage and had some support from my family too! My ex appealed the judges decision to our state court of appeals. I had to hired another atty. My last took mercy on me and did it cheap, I went through my state's volunteer lawyer project who wrote my appeal brief. Now we wait for the court of appeals to review them.

I would not change a thing! If you want to pm me, I would love to help you out if I can.

I have evidence from last year. I filed a restraining order because he was stalking me. I was foolish and took him back after he was committed and then placed on medication. The judge I was in front of told me I would be back and she was right. The behavior has started all over again, he placed a recording device in my car and had over 15 hours of taped conversations.

He is convinced I am having an affair and has accused me of sleeping with everyone I meet. Mind you, there is zero proof of this because it's all in his head. After all, I work full-time, take care of 2 children with no help and maintain a house. You can see where I would have all that free time. I wish I was seeing someone, then I wouldn't have to go thru this myself.

 

[racechick8293]

I wish you the best, and I agree, for your kids and yourself, getting out of that situation is the best thing in the long run.

 

[BridgetBordeaux]

No tips yet but I do want to express support for you. You are in a difficult situation. Try to consult with all the professionals you can. Legal, money, and emotional issues all mixed up at once can be very overwhelming. I wish you the best of luck. Keep you chin up and make each decision one at a time.

 

[bdcp]

Divorce is always tough on everyone. I have a question though, almost everyone I know says their ex is crazy, bipolar, etc. Was he already diagnosed when you married him? I know most of the people I know who say that about their exes knew when they married them and either thought they could help or that it would never be an issue. Has he ever threatened you or the kids physically? The accusation of an affair is very common with controlling and abusive people also.

 

[lisabarr]

Divorce is always tough on everyone. I have a question though, almost everyone I know says their ex is crazy, bipolar, etc. Was he already diagnosed when you married him? I know most of the people I know who say that about their exes knew when they married them and either thought they could help or that it would never be an issue. Has he ever threatened you or the kids physically? The accusation of an affair is very common with controlling and abusive people also.

No, I had no idea he was bi-polar. It only manifested about 2 yrs ago. I know he tended to depression but it had always been controlled with medication. He lied about many things that I didn't find out till after the marriage.

My parents think he just hid it so well until he couldn't anymore.

Yes, things have gotten very physical. No matter how many times I denied having these affairs, nothing I said would make him believe. I don't think a person can understand how frustrating it is, to be accused and then not believed.

 

[StitchBuddy]

Here is a for you! I feel for you. My first husband was crazy and abusive. The crazy thing for me was it was so hard to leave. It will be difficult at first, but it will get better. You will feel like a big weight has been lifted just being in your own space.

 

[mousebymarriage]

Just wanted to give you a . A friend of mine just went through a similar situation (her divorce was finalized this summer), her DH was crazy and a complete control freak. He questioned every move she made and always thought she was trying to hide something or having an affair, there was no possible way for her to have an affair because her DH stalked her 24/7. I was so happy for her when she and the kids got out, it was the best thing for them. She tells me all the time that things may sometimes be a little harder financially now but, it was the best decision she has ever made and that she would rather pinch a few pennies vs. having herself and the kids walk on egg shells for the rest of their lives.
She tells me now that freedom is happiness!

 

[chisnpeke]

My mom divorced my dad because he was bipolar. Well, not just because of the bipolar but more of his refusal to live in reality. He went to the hospital and took some medications only after my mom FORCED him to. He also was making bad financial decisions so she felt she had no choice but to divorce him or risk bankruptcy herself. I currently don't have a relationship with my dad and haven't for the last 8 years (I'm 22). He is not a bad person but the illness is not healthy for anyone to have to deal with. When he's on a "high" he's great but when he gets upset it's so hard to deal with.

To the poster who asked if anyone knew of the illness before marriage: No, my mom didn't. She said he was usually always on a high side or manic and always wanting to go, go, go but never the darker side of the illness. It's when that started to manifest is what things got bad.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this OP. If he is mentally unstable there is no reason you shouldn't get full custody of your children. My mom did. My dad gave my mom the house in the settlement, I'm guessing for the sake of my brother and I.

Sorry to ramble on, it's just this subject affects me as I've been through it and I'm living it. Bipolar is no picnic.

 

[minnie1928]

First I wanted to offer you hugs for making the decision to do this, based on what you've said...this is definitely the right move for you and your kids.

Back to your original question of how to make the move budget friendly. Check out your local freecycle. Post that you are looking for moving boxes, furniture, whatever and I'm sure you'll get some responses.

 

[Singleminnie]

I have evidence from last year. I filed a restraining order because he was stalking me. I was foolish and took him back after he was committed and then placed on medication. The judge I was in front of told me I would be back and she was right. The behavior has started all over again, he placed a recording device in my car and had over 15 hours of taped conversations.

He is convinced I am having an affair and has accused me of sleeping with everyone I meet. Mind you, there is zero proof of this because it's all in his head. After all, I work full-time, take care of 2 children with no help and maintain a house. You can see where I would have all that free time. I wish I was seeing someone, then I wouldn't have to go thru this myself.

I also ended up with a restraining order during the process, due to my ex grabbing me (leaving marks) while I was trying to pack. So that got him out of the house while I made plans for my move. Due to a previous job I have a hand gun, which I was happy to have during that time, because my ex was so unpredictable! Def not the man I married 16 years ago!

He also accused me of having an affair, called all my friends, who knew what was going on and they all told him I was leaving him because of him and no one else. He stole my day planner, claiming his atty told him to get information on our girls, my response "If you want to know their next dentist apt. ask me!" He was and is so out of touch what it takes to raise kids.

I am looking to move to Florida in 2011, so I know my fight is not over! Remember you are doing the right thing! It will be better!

 

[dakjoskaimiksmom]

I can so relate.

While my dh just started taking his meds again in fall, they're still not regulated. I'm not at the divorcing point, but I've come close.

You're making the best decision for you and your kids. Don't listen to anyone who tells you different.

Bipolar is a nasty thing to deal with, especially if you aren't aware of it going into the relationship. And when it's untreated...Girl, I could tell you some stories!

I don't know what to tell you that you haven't already done, except stay strong.