Divorce and the Stay-at-Home-Mom

[NHdisneylover]

Now if the shoe was on the other foot people would expect her to drop everything and move with her husband though! She will find plenty of other romantic partners and she can follow her dream.

I, for one, would NOT expect that, and I would think anyone would be foolish to give up their own career and move for someone that is not yet committed to them (married, unless they are same sex partners and cannot legally be married in their area, etc).

 

[Colleen27]

But if he had needed her to move for his job, and she chose not to, would you have been OK with her decision not to move and his decision to still go?

Or would you have said "she should follow him and make their life together."?

Absolutely I'd have understood and supported her not moving if she was in his shoes. This isn't the time to be following an unmarried partner to another state counting on finding work when you arrive, particularly when the move isn't a "need" as someone else put it.

This woman is a dear friend that I've known most of my life, and I know it broke her heart to leave but at the same time she felt she had to. Like many of the "never rely on a man" posters here, she was raised in a single mother household with a deadbeat dad she rarely saw, and her mother was all about teaching how "stupid" (her word) it is to sacrifice career for marriage and children. And that lesson sank in - neither of her daughters intend to have children until they can, on their own with absolutely no help from the hypothetical child's father, can afford to give their children the lifestyle they want for them. But I just don't see how that mindset is conducive to any sort of stable marriage or family situation; it seems like that level of ingrained distrust would be a major issue.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

You say how society does not appreciate you yet you condemn another woman for not giving up her job because the MAN would not move. Why did HE not sacrifice (ie move) "for the sake of a romantic partner"?

Personally, I think asking one to move is asking a lot more than asking one to stay - regardless of who is doing the asking.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Personally, I think asking one to move is asking a lot more than asking one to stay - regardless of who is doing the asking.

Good point. Moving means giving up friends (or at least the close proximity to them), possibly leaving family, leaving doctors and church congregations and classes or stores or eateries you like, etc. It is pretty much starting over almost from scratch. That IS giving up much more than one would give up by NOT moving (whereby about ALL that is being given up is the career advancement).

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Good point. Moving means giving up friends (or at least the close proximity to them), possibly leaving family, leaving doctors and church congregations and classes or stores or eateries you like, etc. It is pretty much starting over almost from scratch. That IS giving up much more than one would give up by NOT moving (whereby about ALL that is being given up is the career advancement).

He'd also have to give up a job he already had so she can chase one that may or may not work out.

 

[Lita]

I have often wondered how stay-at-home moms go about getting divorced. Most SAHM moms I know have not worked in their field of study in a long time, don't have a degree, or have never worked in their degree field. Very few I know worked a long time in their field before staying home. It would be tough not to have a job "to fall back on." How do they/you do it? It seems even more stressful than a "regular" divorce to me! I am a SAHM and could not imagine the stress!

I currently work full-time and am happily married, but I do have dreams about becoming a SAHM at times. This is my biggest fear. I would hate for something to happen to my DH or go through a divorce and then have to re-enter the work force. I've made great strides up the corporate ladder and I know if I was out of the work force for a significant period of time, that I wouldn't be able to re-enter at the same level.

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[Lita]

When I went to nursing school right out of high school, half of my class were soon to be or newly divorced woman with kids. I seen how difficult it was for some of them to get through school, work another job and take care of the kids. I vowed that would never be me. I stayed at home for 3 years with DS but then went back to work. I have only ever worked on an as needed basis so my schedule is flexible but at least I am still in the workforce. DS is now 15 and DD 10. I have enough experience to have a regular hour job and still work when I want to. I dont anticipate DH and I getting divorced, but hey you never know. My neighbor just left her husband. She was a stay at home mom for 12 years. She used to be a big PR person for a major bank. Now she makes about $15 hr. She is lucky her husband she left pays her rent and car payment. Yea I know. I asked DH, jokingly of course, how do I get a gig like that?

Very good. Having a reduced schedule allows you to keep your skill-set current and also have flexibility.

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[SLP958]

I currently work full-time and am happily married, but I do have dreams about becoming a SAHM at times. This is my biggest fear. I would hate for something to happen to my DH or go through a divorce and then have to re-enter the work force. I've made great strides up the corporate ladder and I know if I was out of the work force for a significant period of time, that I wouldn't be able to re-enter at the same level.

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Me too!

 

[lauradis]

Excuse ME!!!!!! You need to rethink your thoughts and words. Stigma!!!! Wrong word. Kids that are raised my single parents are often times far better off than those who are raised by 2 parents.

Im sorry, but kids are not better off with only one parent.

Im sure your a great parents.

 

[Lita]

And I agree with this...Don't stay home, and let a man support you, it's the biggest mistake that some woman make, and they end up paying for it, in the long run. Always, always have a plan. And don't think that "volunteering" gives you skills...Yeah, right. When you are in a tight job market, those volunteering days will be laughed at.

Exactly. The competition is tight these days. A SAHM is now competing with seasoned people with more recent experience. Those transferable skills can't compare.

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[AverageDiser]

Im sorry, but kids are not better off with only one parent.

Im sure your a great parents.

She did not say are always, she said are often, and often they are. Being in a single parent home with an emotionally stable parent is always going to be better for a child then being in a two parent home where there is verbal/physical abuse or constant arguing.

 

[spima3]

AND even more importantly, and not just SAHM, don't get OLD.

Over 50 and you lose a job, even with great lifetime skills, you are going to have one hell of a time getting work.

 

[Lita]

Im sorry, but kids are not better off with only one parent. Im sure your a great parents.

There are some situations where kids are better off and safer with one parent then two.

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[Minniesgal]

Im sorry, but kids are not better off with only one parent. Im sure your a great parents.

That depends entirely on the quality of the parenting.

 

[Disney Doll]

Im sorry, but kids are not better off with only one parent.

Im sure your a great parents.

My paternal grandfather died when my father was 3, his mother never remarried. She raised a fine decent man who worked hard all his life, supported his family and is a well respected member of society.

Suffice it to say that I disagree with your statement.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Absolutely I'd have understood and supported her not moving if she was in his shoes. This isn't the time to be following an unmarried partner to another state counting on finding work when you arrive, particularly when the move isn't a "need" as someone else put it.

This woman is a dear friend that I've known most of my life, and I know it broke her heart to leave but at the same time she felt she had to. Like many of the "never rely on a man" posters here, she was raised in a single mother household with a deadbeat dad she rarely saw, and her mother was all about teaching how "stupid" (her word) it is to sacrifice career for marriage and children. And that lesson sank in - neither of her daughters intend to have children until they can, on their own with absolutely no help from the hypothetical child's father, can afford to give their children the lifestyle they want for them. But I just don't see how that mindset is conducive to any sort of stable marriage or family situation; it seems like that level of ingrained distrust would be a major issue.

I wouldn't classify it as distrust. Distrust in a marriage isn't going to take you too far. It's more of a self-reliance; stability. Said as someone together with my DH for 32 years. And I think the "controlling" thing is probably more of an equal voice. (Which is NOT to say all SAHP don't have an equal voice!)

 

[luvsJack]

I wouldn't classify it as distrust. Distrust in a marriage isn't going to take you too far. It's more of a self-reliance; stability. Said as someone together with my DH for 32 years. And I think the "controlling" thing is probably more of an equal voice. (Which is NOT to say all SAHP don't have an equal voice!)

There is a very big difference in having the skills to support yourself and being raised in a way that makes you not trust your husband to work with you to support your family (whether one of you decides to stay at home or not). And some girls are very much raised not to trust their husband to do that.

The controlling that I mentioned earlier, isn't having an equal voice, its having the only voice. In fact, the woman I gave as an example ended up divorced for that very reason. She learned from her mistakes and is different in her new marriage. Another woman that still has that same mindset, refuses to get remarried. She picks men that she can control and then decides she doesn't want to be married to them for that reason. She just keeps saying "I will never depend on a man"

You should be able to depend on your partner. It is a two way street and if one doesn't go into the marriage with that mind set, it may very well be doomed from the start.

As for moving for the other's career, that should't be a given for either person. Dh had an opportunity for a job in Texas right after before we married. We sat down together and made the decision together to not go. Pro and cons for both of us were listed and we made the decision together. If he had made the choice to go himself, no matter what, then we would not have married because I could not have followed someone that was not willing for the decision to be both of our's.

I have not been a sahm during our marriage.

DD plans to go to college and has said many times, she doesn't want to get married for many years after college. She will have the skills to support herself and any children she may have. She won't have to depend on any one financially, and that's good, but my hope is that she has learned that when she does marry, they should depend on each other.

 

[disykat]

There is a very big difference in having the skills to support yourself and being raised in a way that makes you not trust your husband to work with you to support your family (whether one of you decides to stay at home or not). And some girls are very much raised not to trust their husband to do that.

The controlling that I mentioned earlier, isn't having an equal voice, its having the only voice. In fact, the woman I gave as an example ended up divorced for that very reason. She learned from her mistakes and is different in her new marriage. Another woman that still has that same mindset, refuses to get remarried. She picks men that she can control and then decides she doesn't want to be married to them for that reason. She just keeps saying "I will never depend on a man"

You should be able to depend on your partner. It is a two way street and if one doesn't go into the marriage with that mind set, it may very well be doomed from the start.

As for moving for the other's career, that should't be a given for either person. Dh had an opportunity for a job in Texas right after before we married. We sat down together and made the decision together to not go. Pro and cons for both of us were listed and we made the decision together. If he had made the choice to go himself, no matter what, then we would not have married because I could not have followed someone that was not willing for the decision to be both of our's.

I have not been a sahm during our marriage.

DD plans to go to college and has said many times, she doesn't want to get married for many years after college. She will have the skills to support herself and any children she may have. She won't have to depend on any one financially, and that's good, but my hope is that she has learned that when she does marry, they should depend on each other.

Fabulous post! IMO, if you're not ready to share decisions, responsibilities, AND assets, you're probably not ready to get married. Marriage is all about inter-dependency. However, being part of a "unit" doesn't mean you lose the ability to function as an individual or the responsibility of keeping up your own skill set.

My husband and I joke that we each "forgot" how to do things when we got married. He forgot how to cook, I forgot how to maintain my car. However, that's a joke based on how we divide responsibilities. The reality is we both still know how to do those things and are perfectly capable of doing those things if needed.

In the case of one spouse being out of the workforce, there are certainly risks involved in that. However, they should be shared risks and calculated risks taken with a plan in place in case necessity requires change.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Fabulous post! IMO, if you're not ready to share decisions, responsibilities, AND assets, you're probably not ready to get married. Marriage is all about inter-dependency. However, being part of a "unit" doesn't mean you lose the ability to function as an individual or the responsibility of keeping up your own skill set.

My husband and I joke that we each "forgot" how to do things when we got married. He forgot how to cook, I forgot how to maintain my car. However, that's a joke based on how we divide responsibilities. The reality is we both still know how to do those things and are perfectly capable of doing those things if needed.

In the case of one spouse being out of the workforce, there are certainly risks involved in that. However, they should be shared risks and calculated risks taken with a plan in place in case necessity requires change.

 

[Colleen27]

I wouldn't classify it as distrust. Distrust in a marriage isn't going to take you too far. It's more of a self-reliance; stability. Said as someone together with my DH for 32 years. And I think the "controlling" thing is probably more of an equal voice. (Which is NOT to say all SAHP don't have an equal voice!)

Self-reliance, like anything else, can be taken to an unhealthy extreme. Marriage is a partnership and like any partnership is rooted in some degree of mutual dependence. What is the purpose of marriage if you feel you can never rely upon your spouse?