Disney without the DH? Help the DH out!

[jbdreamer-dh]

lol... this is a rather interesting way to work out a relationship issue, but help a DH out. This is a continuation to “Can I go to WDW without DH?” where my wife wanted to go on a solo trip with her mom, sister, and sister-in-law, but feels like I’m bitter and thus doesn’t know if she wants to go. Please bear with my long windedness , but I think fleshing this out will make it make the emotions a bit more apparent.

Originally, she had been asking if we should go on to Washington together to visit my parents whom we haven't seen in about a year. I was apprehensive, since as I'm in grad school we're rather strapped for cash at the moment. We talked about it for awhile, but eventually I more or less vetoed it (I hardly call all the shots, I guess if it had been a trip to visit her parents I probably would have gone since it would have been her parents and less my call? I dunno). Later she found about this Disney trip and mentioned it again, with my response again being apprehensive due to low finances. When she described it to her mother, who we are both very close to, her mother offered to pay for half of our trips as a very early Christmas gift of sorts.

We had gone down to Disney two years ago together for our first anniversary and had a good time, but had also said next time we went we wanted to do it in a larger group. So naturally, a half-cost vacation with family sounded more appealing. I then brought up asking my parents to come along too, which we both flip flopped on, eventually deciding to ask them. When asked, my parents were thrilled and excited (they haven't gone on a vacation in about 15 years) and said they'd make it happen whenever.

Cue two days later. Lots of complications and it seems the only time that most people could do it would be late September. I'm the only one this doesn't work for, as I'd just be starting my therapy practicum. But, in the vein of trying to make this family vacation work, I approach my supervisor and ask if I could start early, work some extra time, or simply take a week off. As it turns out, none of those are an option. So I let everyone know, and it seems what is then going to happen is that her parents and brother, my parents, her and I will go, leaving her sister and sister-in-law out. (Her sister really wanted to go, but we had to initially beg her sister-in-law into coming, as she doesn't do large groups as well). Cue a few hours later. My parents first call and are talking about flight times, then an hour later call and say they can't go because my mom doesn't want to ask for time off around labor day. Go figure. We suggest two weeks earlier and she says no again.

At this point she’s (my wife, DW?) disappointed and crying, not sure what to do. Her mom calls back and suggests a trip in September (when everyone but me could come) where her, her mom, sister, and sister-in-law can go. Now I’m disappointed too, but we all agree to think about it, share our disappointment some more, and she goes to bed. I go to bed a little bit later and start talking with her about it because I’m stressed.

Asking what makes me stressed is a pretty valid question. Partially, we differ in how we like to vacation. She loves Disney and would go as much as possible. I love Disney too (heck, we met there), but would like to mix it up with places we’ve never gone before in between, and would prefer to vacation less frequently to be able to go on more expensive vacations less frequently. Part of it was that in the last three years she’s gone on three trips without me (one admittedly planned before we met) and I haven’t had the opportunity to do that. The last was maybe four months ago to San Francisco with her mom and a few of her moms friends. There’s also the piece that her spending money now impacts our ability to go on a different vacation together later. And, naturally, I’m just jealous. I really wanted to go also and hearing all the planning details and being home alone would just remind me of the trip I’m not able to go on.

So, when I tell her all these feelings she understandably gets upset. And to be fair, I probably vented on her about it. What I end up saying is that it’s just hard for me to see her go when I can’t, and that since our vacationing preferences differ, I’d like to see her pass up some of these inexpensive solo trips to save for a larger trip for us. We agreed on this, and ultimately what I say is that I’m okay with her going on this trip if she can promise me that the next trip we go on is something we do together and that we’re both really excited about (i.e. not a trip to my parents or one just one of us is interested in). I’m also pretty honest in that while I think she should still go, it will still be really hard for me to see her go on a trip I’d love to do without me.

I don’t think I would have wanted to spend the money for just the two of us to go again. We had recently and wanted to go in a group next time. Another option would be to go with her mother and her brother (11), but I felt like again this was a different dynamic that I probably wouldn’t have wanted to spend the money on originally. And if I wouldn’t have originally, it seems silly to now. We both agree that going with her mom and brother wouldn’t be the trip we were really looking for. So I mentioned that while it seems likely I’ll be left out either way, it doesn’t seem like she should have to miss out on an inexpensive, fun trip because I can’t go. Honestly, I think I’d feel guilty if she didn’t go now, despite knowing how rough it will be for me to hear all the details of planning on being home alone for a week.

So long story short (veeery long story, if you made it through this all, thanks), I guess I’m telling her she should go now and just make sure we do an “us” trip next, but she’s more caught up in what I was talking about last night and feeling guilty. I think she’s also concerned that if she does go that I’ll hold it against her and bring it up sometime when she wants to travel (kind of like I did with the San Francisco trip). Not sure what to say there, I’m sure a part of me will be jealous (and yes, maybe even slightly bitter on my bad days), but I still think she should go.

It’s funny how these things go, I feel like I’m trying to be the good husband and tell her to go. This in spite of the fact that I know I could convince her to go on a trip with myself, and her mom/brother. But since I know that would be less fun for her mom and her, and knowing that I wouldn’t have wanted to pay for that trip initially, I keep telling her that yes, I’ll be bummed and jealous, but no, that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t go.

So. Help me out. I think it she’ll feel better about going if she hears other people say to. It’s a bit different from all of your mouths than mine. ^^

 

[Maleficent13]

Wow...you are very thorough! and welcome to the DIS!

I think you guys have different priorities when it comes to vacationing...I'm not sure I have any advice...honestly, after reading your post I'm more inclined to tell her to not go and plan something with you instead!

 

[laura001]

First off, you need to write long long long beside the title....

Your DW must be feeling awful right now, I think all she needs is a big hug from you and the truth. Emotional integrity is something that will help keep your marriage strong and wonderful, which means that she has to know that when you say that you want her to go, that you really mean it (no if ands or buts, no punishment, no throwing it back etc etc. etc.)

If you feel that you want her to go (even with the disappointment that you can't go) you need to let her know in an "absolute" way. Setting guidelines for emotional integrity will help when in situations like this. I would think that seeing your DW happy and not feeling guilty etc. would/should make you happy also.

Hope she has a great time!

 

[sajetto]

I think you guys have different priorities when it comes to vacationing...I'm not sure I have any advice...honestly, after reading your post I'm more inclined to tell her to not go and plan something with you instead!

Same here, but I already told her not to go. You sound like a great guy and I know that you said that you won't hold it against her, but I can see down the road where you might have a spat and then that trip comes up.

I really think this trip should be forgotten as well so that even more money can be saved for the TWO of you to go somewhere, whether it be Disney or not.

If I were in your shoes I would be very hurt and upset if my DF left to go to WDW without me knowing how much I love it. He is the same way.

It would be a terrible reminder hearing him plan where he's going to eat, which rides he'll go on, the hotel he'll stay in, etc.

Disney will BE THERE. It's not going anywhere and she can go another time with YOU.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ahhhh ......young love.

So I have to have a correction....this is with her mom, sister, and SIL, right?

 

[gris gris]

Welcome! I am a big believer in making decisions together that everyone agrees on. Especially when money is involved. I don't think there should be "reluctance" in the decision. Either you both agree she should go or you both agree she shouldn't go. If it bothers you enough that she'd be going without you, she should stay home and work on planning your next "together" vacation. You've obviously already tried really hard to get this time off and if you could get it, you'd be going. It sounds like this never would have been an issue if the free dining hadn't come up?

 

[jbdreamer]

OP DW here. I just wanted to thank my DH for taking the time to share his thoughts and for being so honest with everyone on the Dis.

I want to say my DH is being very fair. I did offered to go with just him instead, but we both agreed that's not the trip we had planned to take. This idea of WDW wouldn't have even come up if it wasn't for free dining.

This "girls" trip sounds like a lot of fun, and I have the time and money to do it. If I don't go, my mother, sister, and sister in-law will still be going. So no matter what our decision is, we will both be disappointed. I will either go without him, I'll feel guilty, and he'll be jealous. If I don't go, we'll both feel like we missed out on a great trip. (I guess the upside is we can both be disappointed together.)

The money is not the issue, it'll cost me only $350 for the entire week with free dining. It's a Christmas gift from my mother to pay for rest. I know I'd have a wonderful time, and I have the time and money to go. The only thing that is holding me back is my guilt for leaving DH behind on a vacation he would have loved as well.

I think we have both decided that I should go. It's and affordable trip, the other girls are going, and it is silly for me to stay behind just because he can't go. It's just hard because we both know that he will be jealous, but that's only natural. If the the situation was reversed I would want him to go too.

 

[mommaU4]

Well, I'll throw my two cents in here. Although seeing as how I am the one who started the first DIS ladies-only trip I may be slightly biased.

Actually to the OP I think you are a great guy who wants to see his wife happy above all else. And she obviously cares a great deal about your feelings.

My DH and I used to live in CA. We moved to MI about a year and a half ago and ever since I have been doing nothing but plotting a way to get back there.

Well, we decided we would take a family trip back there in June. I was over the moon! Until we looked into airfare from our dinky town and realized that for us all to go (6 of us total/4 kids) would require one of us to rob a bank. So we thought about just forgetting it.

Thing is my DH still has his parents there and all his old co-workers. My family is here in MI. So I figured it made more sense for him to go alone. We can manage one ticket not 6.

When I first told him about my idea he was like no way. He didn't want to leave me. We had never taken solo trips. Never. Ever. And I must say the thought of him getting to go back to Cali when I was so eager to go there was hard for me.

But I wanted him to be happy and so I kept working on him until he agreed to at least look into it. When he agreed to look into it, guess what?? I was kinda bummed. Was that because I didn't want him to be happy? Of course not. I was thinking about poor me who wanted to be there in CA too. (see my location)

We haven't made final plans yet. I honestly want him to go and see everyone and everything. On the flip side I am a little jealous that he will get to be there and eat at all the places we don't have here and do all kinds of fun things. I think that's normal. It doesn't out weigh my wanting him to go though and is an issue for me to deal with.

Hopefully I won't throw it back at him one day about how he left me alone with four kids while he went back to our old stompin grounds. No promises though. Just kidding.

My point (I think I have one) is that it's normal to feel a little jealous while being happy for them at the same time and no matter what you both end up deciding I hope it works for you both. Cause ultimately that's all that matters. Is that it works for you two.

And remember that a trip to WDW for your wife with you will be very different than one without you. Nothing could replace the times she has with you, I'm sure.
Okay I am shutting up now. Good luck you guys!

 

[Buckalew11]

For 350.00 I think you should go. Probably because I have done such a trip. In fact, I have done several WDW trips w/o DH because he couldn't go.

I think both of you have valid points. I would be very jealous of DH going to WDW w/o me and he knows this...yet, I have gone w/o him and although he probably wished he was going too, he never made an issue of it (so I felt little guilt).

This, to me, is a wonderful trip for the "girls" and time with your mother. I think you are probably young (since you are newly married) and that your mom is pretty young too. However, if you get along vacationing with you parents then, I think you should grab this opportunity WHILE YOU CAN! My father is dying with terminal cancer. I have vacationed with him a lot of the years (before WDW, I went to the beach with them once a year). Those memories are priceless. Priceless. For $350.00, it will be worth every cent.

DH used to go on some hunting trips with his dad out west. He lost his dad a few years back. I know he wouldn't take a million bucks for that time with his dad.

If it was setting you back ($$) or something, I said no way. But, at the point of my life right now that I'm at, I say go for it.

I should be very grateful DH has never laid guilt on me for doing a trip. And I am, I just never thought about it being an issue because he's never made it one. I, on the other hand would be making a issue and that is something that I myself, should learn to work on.

Good luck with the decision.

 

[DVCLiz]

The two of you need to sit down very soon and plan when you can take your next vacation together. Make sure you know exactly what the time line is, make sure it doesn't conflict with hubby's schedule, etc. Focus on that trip - plan for it, talk about it, save for it, etc. Then no matter what else comes up on the horizon, you'll have that trip in common. Budget a certain amount each month to save for it, so that you know that money isn't available for other single trips. Also realize that if an opportunity comes up for one of you to do something without the other, your planned trip together isn't in jeopardy.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Basing decisions on jealousy, guilt, fear, etc...make very poor choices that lead to resentment. Marriage is GIVE, GIVE, GIVE....not give and take.

When dh and I are in a quandry, we do scale of 1 to 10. 1 meaning don't care, 10 meaning care very much.

Let's say you call this a 10. (Which is what I would say.) Girls only trips are FANTASTIC and fun! How lucky you are to have that.

Your dh ranks his jealousy at about a 3, if he says 10 then you need counseling ! I suspect he would not say 10 since he posted here.

Now go and have fun!