Disney with an Ex - it can be done!!

[jezebel73]

OK I know most people will call me crazy over this, but I have never found a thread about traveling with an ex-husband or -wife (or any combination of divorce/remarriage/blended families) and I refuse to think I'm the only person who's ever done it (4 times with a 5th planned!). I firmly believe Disney has a magic that reminds us to go beyond our differences and really enjoy family, even if that family is a non-traditional one.

Anyone else out there try it and how did it go? Tips and tricks? What went right and wrong?

Also I am happy to share my experiences with others!

 

[GrtWtNorth]

Haha. My ex asked if she could join us on our Disney vacations and I said "NO!" We had a couple not-very-magical trips when our relationship was struggling and I have no intention of repeating that experience.

That said, I would consider doing a multi-family trip that includes my ex as we share a circle of Disney-obsessed friends. I would insist on separate reservations (not just sepate rooms in a villa or cabin) and very clear (written) expectations regarding parenting roles and schedule. (Who watches kiddo while the rest of the gang goes on a pub crawl? Can kiddo and I do a Space Mountain marathon one morning?)

We are good parents, but a terrible couple. We are pleasant to travel with if we have sufficient space and freedom.

 

[nadira36]

A non-DIS friend is just planning one - not sure what to expect for her. Their relationship is very non-traditional. They'll be sharing a room - maybe suite - with 2 kids.

If you have any tips to pass on that'd be great!

As far as I understand they'll be dividing money 50% except if it's something they can't agree on - then the person who wants it pays.

 

[4lowesonthego]

I think that's pretty awesome to put your children first, I really admire that!

 

[WantToGoNow]

That is awesome that you do that for your children. I have a friend that does this every other year - and the ex inlaws pay for the trip. This year was the in-laws, her ex, his wife and child, the child shared between the two, her, her husband and their child. They had a wonderful time.

 

[chrismb22]

My cousin and his wife do it all the time --Disney, Italy wherever. If you have that relationship, I think it's great as long as there is no bickering in front of the kids. I would assume it gets more complicated when new significant others come into play, but just my opinion.

 

[jezebel73]

Haha. My ex asked if she could join us on our Disney vacations and I said "NO!" We had a couple not-very-magical trips when our relationship was struggling and I have no intention of repeating that experience.

That said, I would consider doing a multi-family trip that includes my ex as we share a circle of Disney-obsessed friends. I would insist on separate reservations (not just sepate rooms in a villa or cabin) and very clear (written) expectations regarding parenting roles and schedule. (Who watches kiddo while the rest of the gang goes on a pub crawl? Can kiddo and I do a Space Mountain marathon one morning?)

We are good parents, but a terrible couple. We are pleasant to travel with if we have sufficient space and freedom.

Oh I have no illusion that it doesn't work for everyone!! I love the idea of a multifamily trip - so you can both be there at the same time, but not necessarily TOGETHER except for maybe a meal or two, especially if things are tense. Maybe you could try keeping a schedule like standard co-parenting such as every other day, one parent has the child and then a handful of things together?

I have had a couple of non-Disney moments myself, but I try to learn from experience and avoid the things that cause them, whether it be scheduling or alcohol bringing out the bad or just plain different travel styles.

I hope you go for it!

 

[jezebel73]

A non-DIS friend is just planning one - not sure what to expect for her. Their relationship is very non-traditional. They'll be sharing a room - maybe suite - with 2 kids.

If you have any tips to pass on that'd be great!

As far as I understand they'll be dividing money 50% except if it's something they can't agree on - then the person who wants it pays.

I really hope she tries it!
I've done the share a room or suite every time in the past. In my case, either there were no new bf/gf for either of us or it was all OK in advance. Disney is not cheap and this is definitely an option, but you certainly need your space. Sleeping arrangements should be clear - like one child with each parent. A suite is nice if it provides two bathrooms and therefore extra privacy. I haven't gotten undressed in front of my ex in a long time and don't plan to start now! LOL

If the relationship is really good and everyone is on a level playing field, including the kids (make sure they don't see it as mommy and daddy getting back together), she can plan the whole trip as a family or schedule in some downtime for each, where the kids are split or both go with dad while mom gets a massage, that sort of thing. That may help cover things where one parent says yes and the other one no.

I recommend they lay down ALL the ground rules up front and remember this place is full of Magic! Focus on the kids and just enjoy that and the ex part falls way into the background!

 

[jezebel73]

My cousin and his wife do it all the time --Disney, Italy wherever. If you have that relationship, I think it's great as long as there is no bickering in front of the kids. I would assume it gets more complicated when new significant others come into play, but just my opinion.

I absolutely agree. I haven't had an issue on that front myself, but my ex's girlfriend must be a very tolerant woman. LOL

I think if one is remarried and the other not, that could be awkward for sure. If BOTH have made fresh starts, it could totally work as a joint vacation. I would say approach that like a multifamily trip and split custody of any joint children while there. But I still say it's a must to do at least a meal or event all together, even if it's difficult. Plus if you end up being a party of 8 or more, I think you still get some special perks!

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I have done this and it worked out really well and it was probably my best disney vacation!

XH and I separated at the end of 2009 and divorced at the end of 2010. In 2011 he was planning to take the kids to WDW with his mother. She bailed about 4 weeks ahead of time. I had already made all of their ADR's for him and the trip was completely paid for. He asked me to go since the package was paid and he didn't want to take the kids by himself.

It was awesome.....and free! lol

We drove from NJ and spent 7 days at WDW. We didn't bicker or argue. We were past that. It was just to show the kids a good time.

Would I do it again? No because now I am with someone and he is with someone and I think at that point it would just be awkward. We've talked about me going down one week with them and him coming to WDW the week after while I go home. Then the kids get two whole weeks in WDW!

 

[DaniMoon]

So very awesome and refreshing to see that some of you make it work. I think you kids are very lucky!

Hope your 5th is as wonderful as your first 4 trips.

 

[jezebel73]

I have done this and it worked out really well and it was probably my best disney vacation!

XH and I separated at the end of 2009 and divorced at the end of 2010. In 2011 he was planning to take the kids to WDW with his mother. She bailed about 4 weeks ahead of time. I had already made all of their ADR's for him and the trip was completely paid for. He asked me to go since the package was paid and he didn't want to take the kids by himself.

It was awesome.....and free! lol

We drove from NJ and spent 7 days at WDW. We didn't bicker or argue. We were past that. It was just to show the kids a good time.

Would I do it again? No because now I am with someone and he is with someone and I think at that point it would just be awkward. We've talked about me going down one week with them and him coming to WDW the week after while I go home. Then the kids get two whole weeks in WDW!

I like the idea of a "split" vacation for sure - each parent goes for 4-7 days, maybe overlap a couple days in the middle.

Would you consider anything all together with both families even in your current arrangements? Maybe the Gospel brunch or a character meal or the Luau? Those have some interaction for everyone but maybe wouldn't be overbearing...

 

[jezebel73]

Two other thoughts I've had today

-- bring a neutral party. OK no one is truly neutral, but a grandparent or friend (adult or child) can add a nice buffer to the mix. We've tried the ex's mom and my niece on separate occasions. The mom is high maintenance on her own, so that was OK but not great. My niece was a fabulous choice and she will likely join us this fall again. It also makes us an even group of 4 by adding someone, so bonus!

-- Acknowledge and embrace the "awkward"! Yes, it can get a little tense. Yes, it can lead to some sticky moments. Don't try to deny them! I know my daughter laughs like crazy when we talk about sleeping arrangements. "I'm not sleeping with dad. YOU do it." It has always helped us to poke fun at the weirdness that can join the party.

 

[msmama]

I did it. Added parents and (ex) in-laws to the mix, too.

My son was super happy about it. It wasn't bad - we'd travelled to WDW many times as a couple so we knew each others touring styles. (Though we did skip the jungle cruise which is where we got engaged, lol).

The only time it was a teeny bit awkward was when one of us wanted a picture with our son. Someone (or a PP photog) would try to get the other one in the pic and the refusals got some funny looks.

I feel like if you're able to be civil with an ex while in "real" life, you can do it at Disney!!

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I like the idea of a "split" vacation for sure - each parent goes for 4-7 days, maybe overlap a couple days in the middle.

Would you consider anything all together with both families even in your current arrangements? Maybe the Gospel brunch or a character meal or the Luau? Those have some interaction for everyone but maybe wouldn't be overbearing...

No I really wouldn't consider it. We get along and all but I really don't want to spend more time than I have to with him.

My XH acts different around my DF. Not mean different but you can tell he's very uncomfortable. I've been with DF for a little over 2 years now and XH has just started saying hi to him and just having a very short conversation. Just acting semi normal even though you can see he's uncomfortable.

Also I've moved on and am trying to form new memories with my new life. XH said the same thing about him wanting to make new memories with the kids.

It's just not something I see myself doing but you never know. Right now my kids are 14 and 8. I have two trips planned and XH says he is planning one for maybe next Christmas. He has no desire to come on my vacation and I have no desire to go on his. It works for us right now but I'll never say never.

 

[quigs3]

We did it about five years ago, and it had highs and lows. I had already taken the children to WDW on my own several times, and it quickly became our special magical place. One day, my ex-husband mentioned that he wished we had all gone as a family while we were married. We divorced when the children were little and never had the opportunity to take any trips with them, so we decided to take the kids to WDW. He ended up hating Disney, but the kids did enjoy experiencing a family trip. It also helped the two of us to put some of our differences behind us. He tried to talk me into another family trip the next year, but I passed. We were supposed to evenly split the cost of the Disney trip, but he came up with one excuse after another, and I ended up paying for the bulk of the trip. I wasn't about to do that again. Then about a year after that, he remarried and decided that he hated me again.

 

[jezebel73]

We did it about five years ago, and it had highs and lows. I had already taken the children to WDW on my own several times, and it quickly became our special magical place. One day, my ex-husband mentioned that he wished we had all gone as a family while we were married. We divorced when the children were little and never had the opportunity to take any trips with them, so we decided to take the kids to WDW. He ended up hating Disney, but the kids did enjoy experiencing a family trip. It also helped the two of us to put some of our differences behind us. He tried to talk me into another family trip the next year, but I passed. We were supposed to evenly split the cost of the Disney trip, but he came up with one excuse after another, and I ended up paying for the bulk of the trip. I wasn't about to do that again. Then about a year after that, he remarried and decided that he hated me again.

That's too bad yours went somewhat poorly and if money is a factor is "real" life, it won't be any more magical in Disney! I did get a bum deal one year, but all the others have been an even split, thank goodness.

I have had the luxury, so to speak, of being in no relationship or one that started well after a trip was booked and it wasn't an issue. Even when a new guy became serious, I have really not cut back on time with my ex for joint kid activities. It works very well for us. BUT I do agree that a remarriage by either would definitely change the game. Hopefully not in any anti-Disney way!! LOL

 

[nadira36]

This is a great thread! Thanks for starting it. I'll certainly pass along some of your feedback to my friend. Though a lot of concerns will not exist due to the way their current arrangements work - she lives in one town - he's in another - but when the kids are with him - so is she. She says it the best things have ever been for any of them. And now their going to Disney for the kids.

 

[GrtWtNorth]

I caution anyone who does this "for the kids." Vacations are for adults too and if one or both parents are uncomfortable, kids with sense it and react (rarely in a positive and healthy way).

And can the parents enjoy spending a day or several hours in Disneyworld without the kids? Because one parent or the other will likely want some alone time with the kids, and if the other parent feels uncomfortable doing "Disney stuff" alone or with only other adults, then they will feel broken, inadequate, like a victim. (Remember, you're separated or divorced - feelings were hurt. Sometimes those emotions never really go away.)

Parents like myself who can actually enjoy kid-free time at Disney world (more thrill rides, more "drink around the world") will be less affected by child separation feelings of inadequacy. But not every parent can do this, especially in WDW.

I would only suggest doing this if you and every single parenting partner (including step-parents) could honestly enjoy themselves on vacation, including time both with and without the kids.

Otherwise it's just an uncomfortable and un-magical experience for everyone.

 

[wishes0813]

We vacation together often, (mom, dad, step-mom-ME, and 3 kids, occasionally an uncle). Started with one day trips each year, then over night, finally shared condo for a week at the beach. We all get along fantastic, and the kids love it. DH and I took kids on their first trip to the world last year and mom chose not to go. We have talked her in to it this year after hearing how much fun the kids had, so in June we share a suit at AoA for a whole week. Can't wait to go and enjoy watching the kids experience the magic with their mom their also!

Of course we are not the norm, we have stayed together in the same house on Christmas Eve for 5 years now. What people have to remember is the kids are what's important.