Discipline advice needed.....

[OceanAnnie]

I agree. There was a similar system last year with his teacher but he probably only brought home a note 4 times all year. For every good day he would bring home a "token" (small square piece of paper with a sticker on it that said he had a great day). She put him on a token system just to keep me posted on how his day was. I told him for every 5 tokens he would earn an ice cream cone from the ice cream shop. Seems like he always has a rough start to the school year, then by Christmas vacation thru the rest of the year he has snapped out of it. Maybe testing the waters with his teacher? The fact that he has already brought 2 notes home tells me that this teacher is super strict and is really going to be hard on them. He did tell me that this year grade 3 is all business. He also told me that he feels my sons maturity level is still that of a second grader. I agree with that but I don't think it's a reason to hold him back a year. His teacher last year never talked about her concern of his academics, never thought he was "behind". I also think it makes a huge difference this year that he is being co-taught. One teacher in the AM and then another in the PM. One teacher may be more strict than the other. Who knows? I am anxious to have this meeting today.

You have brought up some points that would be helpful for you in this upcoming meeting. Jot down your questions and observations from last year. Oftentimes meetings and conversations take a life of their own and while you are processing what is said, you forget to bring up your points. A bullet list of your questions and concerns will help you to bring the meeting into focus with your concerns. Who will be at the meeting?

Also jot down the things that strike you. Just a few words to jog your memory for later. It will take a while to process what was said in the meeting and you will benefit from having something to refer to.

I am surprised that a teacher would say to you that your DS is behaviorally two years behind. That's a huge thing to put forth. If your son's teacher from last year didn't see your son's behavior as a problem, maybe some of the issues lie with the difference in the teacher expectations. It could very well be a matter of a bad fit with this teacher. I'd have a talk with the co-teacher and get his/her perspective. I think it's very premature to be talking about holding your DS back. As a parent, I would be expecting a teacher to be finding ways to help my child. Not get rid of him. I'd be livid.

I hope this meeting gets everyone on the same page. I would be considering asking for a transfer to a different classroom. That's just me. The teacher/student fit doesn't seem to be right. He's making statements that doesn't seem to indicate he is on your son's team, but against him. And I wouldn't feel comfortable with that. I'd keep an eye on the relationship. He should be helping, finding solutions. He isn't running a military school.

Good luck with your meeting.

ETA- Have a goal and request a plan to help your child in this meeting. That should get the ball rolling in the right direction.

 

[princessmom29]

These were the answers he had given me about not listening....
When he was told to line up from recess twice he just didn't move fast enough for the teacher. He said he was going to get in line but didn't do it fast enough.

Hiding the note was my fault, he was afraid of me making him write "I will listen at School" 200 times. I told him that was going to be his consequence if he brought a note home again, so he tried to hide it from me. Makes complete sense to me. I know I've tried to hide test papers and report cards from my parents when I was a kid for fear of getting grounded for a bad grade. I wanted to offer a really miserable consequence so he would try hard not to bring a note home. I really do think the teachers are really cracking down on the kids this year. Trying to get them ready for middle school. This year for him school is starting to be all business and I think he will have a hard time adjusting to that. He does have GREAT days and he will tell me the day of. He will say, "Mommy I am going to stay on the green today." I think some days he just wants to be a silly boy with no rules. I do not want him to get away with it though, because I know he is capable of being a good listener. Just not sure how to handle it? Trying to get advice here and not be too harsh as I have been.

I tihn you are on the right track, and I DON'T think that it is time to jump on the learning disability/ ADHD bandwagon just yet, even more os given what you are now sharing about this year versus last year. It sounds to me that he is a kid that just needs more time to adapt. If no one had any concerns about his academics last year, could it be that his teacheris exaggerating to make a point? I always had horrible handwriting becuase 1. I am left handed and 2. My hand could neverseem to catch up with my brain. I was always trying to get it out on paper as quickly as I was thinking it and the 2 didn't mesh. Have you tried telling him to slow down and take his time?

I would sit down with the teacher and ask his opinions. Then ask for specific examples of the behaviors that need to be corrected and see what hias suggestions for fixing them are and go from there. It sounds like he is much mroe structured than your DS is used to and DS will need some help adapting to that.

 

[lukenick1]

I tihn you are on the right track, and I DON'T think that it is time to jump on the learning disability/ ADHD bandwagon just yet, even more os given what you are now sharing about this year versus last year. It sounds to me that he is a kid that just needs more time to adapt. If no one had any concerns about his academics last year, could it be that his teacheris exaggerating to make a point? I always had horrible handwriting becuase 1. I am left handed and 2. My hand could neverseem to catch up with my brain. I was always trying to get it out on paper as quickly as I was thinking it and the 2 didn't mesh. Have you tried telling him to slow down and take his time?

I would sit down with the teacher and ask his opinions. Then ask for specific examples of the behaviors that need to be corrected and see what hias suggestions for fixing them are and go from there. It sounds like he is much mroe structured than your DS is used to and DS will need some help adapting to that.

My little guys is also a lefty. I do agree that he is not used to the structure and will have a hard time adapting. We have some structure at home but for the most part they are free. I am not militant with time but I am militant with punishment (trying to ease up more and letting them be kids). I tend to over react at times and this topic has helped me to see that. Thank you everyone, this has really been therapeutic for the most part. Minus those posters who are passing false judgement on me.

 

[Shelly888]

Often, learning disabilities like reading disorders and writing disorders (dyslexia and dysgraphia) are co-morbid with ADHD as well. It's not a misdiagnosis, it all comes together and each has a negative compounding effect on the other.

OP, your son is in third grade, don't wait longer to have him checked for reading and writing disorders, he is more likely to get help in elementary school and the help is more likely to have greater impact than suddenly realizing something is up with him in middle school and trying to undo a lot of damage then.

Jane

That is true, but is not always the case. Often times, with boys especially, their learning disabilities show themselves as behavior issues. The ones who are really bright are able to academically compensate to some degree, and because of this, a learning disability isn't even explored. There are many children though, as you correctly point out, that are diagnosed with both.

To OP, good luck. You may want to consider adding flax seed(ground) to his diet to increase his omega intake. There are some really good products out there now that have it. Vans has a line of frozen waffles my kids love, one has flax added, quick and easy in the morning. If you have a Stop & Shop near you, they have an organic store brand called Nature's Promise. They have an excellent flax and grain whole wheat bread. My kids gobble that up as their regular bread, they don't know any different. They are 7 and 2!

 

[mom2alix]

Well, I went back to 2nd grade at age 36.

Everyone can guess about what might be happening with your DS, but we really have no idea what the true story might be and you may not really know either. His teachers may not even really know. They have so many kids that it is impossible to really sit and observe just one child to determine what the underlying issues may be. I had a similar situation when DD was struggling at school. After meeting with her teacher, we came up with a plan as a team. I volunteered to come to class one day a week for a few weeks. I helped out in the classroom and observed DD. After the first day, her teacher and I discussed our observations and we were able to come up with a plan. I worked with her one-on-one and reinforced strategies at home. DD understood that she, her teacher and I were working as a team to solve the problem, which worked much better than punishment.

Another plus is that I got a chance to learn more about the other kids in DD’s class as well. Being a fly-on-the wall in a second grade classroom is a hoot. When they broke out to work in small groups some of the kids’ conversations were hilarious!

 

[YO's Mom]

That's when he sits down and writes the original 200, neatly, then 200 more for hiding it. He sits there. He doesn't do anything til he's done. He doesn't get fed until he's done.

Withholding food from a child is NEVER an appropriate form of discipline. Never.

 

[kirbydog48]

This statement is exactly why asking for advice on a public forum can become very frustrating!! I am favoring one child over the other? And you know that because????

"Thank God it is not a reflection of us because we do have one good kid". I know you were just venting, but kids really pick up on the energy behind what you say. You may be projecting this feeling non-verbally without being aware of it. I'm not judging you. I know, believe me, how hard this is because I live it. Sometimes the behaviors are the only means kids have to communicate to us that things aren't right. I wrote my response to you early on in this thread, and I'm so sorry if you felt judged or misunderstood. But these kids who are struggling (and if they're consistently acting out, they are struggling in some way) need us to be their voice. It just made me sad that you were trying to deal with this by punishment and discipline, when what your son needs is understanding. Just be ready for your pediatrician to maybe not completely being effective in "diagnosing" ADHD. You may want to find a developmental pediatrician in your area. Also, there can be ADD without the hyperactivity component. It really sounds like your son has dysgraphia, and there are tons of supports the school can give him. I would insist on a full neuropsych evaluation, because assumptions can be made without having the full objective screening. Good luck, OP, and if you need any help with this feel free to PM me. I've been on this journey with my son for 7 years. Sorry if you felt unfairly criticized, was not my intention.

 

[lukenick1]

"Thank God it is not a reflection of us because we do have one good kid". I know you were just venting, but kids really pick up on the energy behind what you say. You may be projecting this feeling non-verbally without being aware of it. I'm not judging you. I know, believe me, how hard this is because I live it. Sometimes the behaviors are the only means kids have to communicate to us that things aren't right. I wrote my response to you early on in this thread, and I'm so sorry if you felt judged or misunderstood. But these kids who are struggling (and if they're consistently acting out, they are struggling in some way) need us to be their voice. It just made me sad that you were trying to deal with this by punishment and discipline, when what your son needs is understanding. Just be ready for your pediatrician to maybe not completely being effective in "diagnosing" ADHD. You may want to find a developmental pediatrician in your area. Also, there can be ADD without the hyperactivity component. It really sounds like your son has dysgraphia, and there are tons of supports the school can give him. I would insist on a full neuropsych evaluation, because assumptions can be made without having the full objective screening. Good luck, OP, and if you need any help with this feel free to PM me. I've been on this journey with my son for 7 years. Sorry if you felt unfairly criticized, was not my intention.

Thank you for the apology because you have misinterpreted what I meant. I meant to say that we have one child who behaves at school.

 

[lukenick1]

Had the meeting with both teachers this afternoon and I am happy to report that DS does not seem to show signs of ADHD or ADD according to what they are observing. He also is not showing any signs of disgraphia in their opinion. What is happening is that they are really on him about every little thing because they need him to pay attention. They said that they can tell he is testing the waters with them and that he is obviously not happy with the "rules" of the classroom. I am guilty of not giving him much responsibilities at home which is why he detests school so much. Wants to do things on his own time. He is definitely immature for his age, which we all agree on, but he is right with his peers academically. He does not like school, never has, so he needs even more attention and nit picking from the teachers to keep him focused on tasks. His biggest fault is chatting with friends when he is supposed to be quiet. I am still planning on a visit with the Pediatrician and the eye doctor and we'll see what happens from there. He did bring a red light note home today so his consequence will be no Xbox for one day. Every time he brings home a note he will lose Xbox. When he brings zero notes home for the week he will earn extra Xbox time (his ultimate favorite thing to do). It is going to be a challenge for him this year but I know he can do it!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Had the meeting with both teachers this afternoon and I am happy to report that DS does not seem to show signs of ADHD or ADD according to what they are observing. He also is not showing any signs of disgraphia in their opinion. What is happening is that they are really on him about every little thing because they need him to pay attention. They said that they can tell he is testing the waters with them and that he is obviously not happy with the "rules" of the classroom. I am guilty of not giving him much responsibilities at home which is why he detests school so much. Wants to do things on his own time. He is definitely immature for his age, which we all agree on, but he is right with his peers academically. He does not like school, never has, so he needs even more attention and nit picking from the teachers to keep him focused on tasks. His biggest fault is chatting with friends when he is supposed to be quiet. I am still planning on a visit with the Pediatrician and the eye doctor and we'll see what happens from there. He did bring a red light note home today so his consequence will be no Xbox for one day. Every time he brings home a note he will lose Xbox. When he brings zero notes home for the week he will earn extra Xbox time (his ultimate favorite thing to do). It is going to be a challenge for him this year but I know he can do it!

Thanks for the update.

I hope they have some positive reinforcement planned.

 

[lukenick1]

Thanks for the update.

I hope they have some positive reinforcement planned.

Ya know, I never thought to ask. There were so many questions it got left out. Anyway, they did say that once the red light is given he does NOT get the chance to earn back down to a green. Basically 3 strikes your out! 3rd grade is tough!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Ya know, I never thought to ask. There were so many questions it got left out. Anyway, they did say that once the red light is given he does NOT get the chance to earn back down to a green. Basically 3 strikes your out! 3rd grade is tough!

He can't earn back to green? Where is the incentive to do better? Once he's in the red his day is basically shot. It doesn't sound like a good situation.

It looks like the teachers could find a way to work with your DS where it isn't so harsh. Are all the children treated the same way, or are they "extra" hard on your DS because he needs to "focus"? Is the "nit picking" counted against him?

Poor kid. If he didn't like school to begin with, he's really going to hate it now. Third grade doesn't have to be that tough. Kids should have room to breathe without punishments. They are still kids. What happened to building a relationship with the student and trying to help in a positive way?

I hope you re-think the x-box thing. He's getting an awful lot of reprimands at school. I'd ease up on him. I think they are way too strict. He will learn the ropes. He's paying a high price at school, I wouldn't make him do it again at home. I would talk to him about the teacher's expectations and what is stopping him from meeting them. Try to problem solve together.

I wish they had a positive plan.

 

[Tink888]

Had the meeting with both teachers this afternoon and I am happy to report that DS does not seem to show signs of ADHD or ADD according to what they are observing. He also is not showing any signs of disgraphia in their opinion. What is happening is that they are really on him about every little thing because they need him to pay attention. They said that they can tell he is testing the waters with them and that he is obviously not happy with the "rules" of the classroom. I am guilty of not giving him much responsibilities at home which is why he detests school so much. Wants to do things on his own time. He is definitely immature for his age, which we all agree on, but he is right with his peers academically. He does not like school, never has, so he needs even more attention and nit picking from the teachers to keep him focused on tasks. His biggest fault is chatting with friends when he is supposed to be quiet. I am still planning on a visit with the Pediatrician and the eye doctor and we'll see what happens from there. He did bring a red light note home today so his consequence will be no Xbox for one day. Every time he brings home a note he will lose Xbox. When he brings zero notes home for the week he will earn extra Xbox time (his ultimate favorite thing to do). It is going to be a challenge for him this year but I know he can do it!

Glad to hear your meeting went well! Third grade is a tough year but things will get better. Your son will mature and the behavior will improve.

Years from now, you'll be on the Dis and read a post like yours and you'll be able to think back and smile and write about how you and your child went through it and survived and how it all turned out okay.

 

[lukenick1]

As if I wasn't worried enough, now I just found out the MCAS scores from last year. Our school ranked 887 out of 957 in 3rd grade math and 845 out of 957 in 3rd grade English. Oye ve!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Glad to hear your meeting went well! Third grade is a tough year but things will get better. Your son will mature and the behavior will improve.

Years from now, you'll be on the Dis and read a post like yours and you'll be able to think back and smile and write about how you and your child went through it and survived and how it all turned out okay.

That is true. It will all work out. We all have bumps in the road to deal with, some larger than others. Sometimes they can all feel large. But you guys will get through it.

As if I wasn't worried enough, now I just found out the MCAS scores from last year. Our school ranked 887 out of 957 in 3rd grade math and 845 out of 957 in 3rd grade English. Oye ve!

Be good to yourself today. You have been really stressed out. Do something special for the guys too.

 

[lukenick1]

That is true. It will all work out. We all have bumps in the road to deal with, some larger than others. Sometimes they can all feel large. But you guys will get through it.





Be good to yourself today. You have been really stressed out. Do something special for the guys too.

Thank you I will feel better after we get the eye doctor appointment over with. Wish us luck. He now tells me he sees things double.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Thank you I will feel better after we get the eye doctor appointment over with. Wish us luck. He now tells me he sees things double.

I do wish you luck! I hope things go well today and that everything evens out soon.

 

[lukenick1]

Glad to hear your meeting went well! Third grade is a tough year but things will get better. Your son will mature and the behavior will improve.

Years from now, you'll be on the Dis and read a post like yours and you'll be able to think back and smile and write about how you and your child went through it and survived and how it all turned out okay.

Thank you I bet your right!

 

[Liberty Belle]

He can't earn back to green? Where is the incentive to do better? Once he's in the red his day is basically shot. It doesn't sound like a good situation.

It looks like the teachers could find a way to work with your DS where it isn't so harsh. Are all the children treated the same way, or are they "extra" hard on your DS because he needs to "focus"? Is the "nit picking" counted against him?

Poor kid. If he didn't like school to begin with, he's really going to hate it now. Third grade doesn't have to be that tough. Kids should have room to breathe without punishments. They are still kids. What happened to building a relationship with the student and trying to help in a positive way?

I hope you re-think the x-box thing. He's getting an awful lot of reprimands at school. I'd ease up on him. I think they are way too strict. He will learn the ropes. He's paying a high price at school, I wouldn't make him do it again at home. I would talk to him about the teacher's expectations and what is stopping him from meeting them. Try to problem solve together.

I wish they had a positive plan.

I agree. I think they should at least be able to earn back up to yellow.

I think the Xbox plan is fine, though. It's not like she's taking away all his leisure activities, just his favorite. My son knows that depending on his day at school, after he gets home and does homework, he can either play Xbox, or have to play with other toys. He really, really likes his Xbox, though, so it's a good incentive for him.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Withholding food from a child is NEVER an appropriate form of discipline. Never.

Exactly.... I see a lot here that does not really sound appropriate. Going all the way back to the OP's original post.

I know that this is the DIS, and I have my flame-suit on...
If you are not all 'pat on the back' and 'touchy-feely' and 'it's all okay'... you get flamed.

But if even a fraction of the OP's comments here on this thread are true, as stated... There is a lot going on that is not appropriate. Not 'healthy'.

The fact that the OP is, like, VERY, defensive (and then denies and back-tracks) also says a lot.