Discipline advice needed.....

[karenbaco]

I am completely at my witts end with my DS8. He has a real problem with listening (as a lot of kids do I know) but he is getting in trouble in school. It is only 3 weeks into school and he has already had 2 notes sent home about his behavior. NOT LISTENING! He barely listens at home too. I went through this with him last year and we did the positive rewards (earning stickers and then a reward for good behavior) and that didn't work either. Now I am resorting to grounding him. Can anyone offer me any advice as to what to do? I feel that If I make the punishments miserable enough that maybe he will finally get the message? I took all toys and entertainment out of his bedroom and am making him stay in there with only books for the whole weekend and that has been a challenge getting him to stay in there. I really don't know what else to do to get him to understand that not listening at school and at home equals consequences. He just does not get it!

 

[happygirl]

I am completely at my witts end with my DS8. He has a real problem with listening (as a lot of kids do I know) but he is getting in trouble in school. It is only 3 weeks into school and he has already had 2 notes sent home about his behavior. NOT LISTENING! He barely listens at home too. I went through this with him last year and we did the positive rewards (earning stickers and then a reward for good behavior) and that didn't work either. Now I am resorting to grounding him. Can anyone offer me any advice as to what to do? I feel that If I make the punishments miserable enough that maybe he will finally get the message? I took all toys and entertainment out of his bedroom and am making him stay in there with only books for the whole weekend and that has been a challenge getting him to stay in there. I really don't know what else to do to get him to understand that not listening at school and at home equals consequences. He just does not get it!

When my kids get in trouble for not listening during class time, they get to listen during recess. IT seems to help mine they learn really fast not to act up

 

[jaminmd]

The punishment doesn't seem to fit the crime. Do you usually give threats & then not follow through? What consequences has he been given for his behavior up to this point?

 

[dfchelbay]

I am completely at my witts end with my DS8. He has a real problem with listening (as a lot of kids do I know) but he is getting in trouble in school. It is only 3 weeks into school and he has already had 2 notes sent home about his behavior. NOT LISTENING! He barely listens at home too. I went through this with him last year and we did the positive rewards (earning stickers and then a reward for good behavior) and that didn't work either. Now I am resorting to grounding him. Can anyone offer me any advice as to what to do? I feel that If I make the punishments miserable enough that maybe he will finally get the message? I took all toys and entertainment out of his bedroom and am making him stay in there with only books for the whole weekend and that has been a challenge getting him to stay in there. I really don't know what else to do to get him to understand that not listening at school and at home equals consequences. He just does not get it!

Maybe you should make sure there isn't something wrong with him, making him incapable of listening attentively...like ADD or ADHD. Maybe you should consider having him tested, to rule that out. What is it he is not listening to in school? Is he not listening to instructions on assignments, or is it a socializing thing, where he'd rather talk and chat it up with classmates than to listen to the teacher in that moment. Maybe if you explain a little more what he is NOT listening to and maybe we can all see if there might be a pattern or subject he chooses to tune out.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

Talk to his teacher and see if he/she thinks your DS has an issue outside of normal 8 year old behavior (ADD or ADHD).

If that's not the problem (and it probably isn't) you need to be consistent. Every week that he doesn't get in trouble at school you give him a small reward (go to a movie, buy him a Frosty, do something else small).

Every week he has a problem he loses something he loves until he has a trouble free week. With my son, it was video games. He'd do anything to avoid losing them so it always worked.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Honestly, I would have him checked for ADHD. I'm not saying medicate--but if discipline isn't working, I would find out what is causing him to not listen so that you can determine if it is a willful act or just something difficult for him to do.

My oldest is ADHD and umedicated. It is a challenge at times--but you just deal with behavior issues differently.

Stickers doesn't work with my daughter and she is given at least 1 or 2 reminders before she is "in trouble". Only if it is a safety issue do we get more stern at the first sign of disobedience.

It is very frustrating.

Also at that age, he may not quite associate the punishment at home for what he did at school. It may be too disconnected.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would also get his hearing checked. I know that sounds stupid but I always like to rule out anything medical first.

He could literally not be "hearing" everything that is being said.

 

[lukenick1]

The punishment doesn't seem to fit the crime. Do you usually give threats & then not follow through? What consequences has he been given for his behavior up to this point?

I told him if he gets a note sent home he will have to write "I will listen at school." 100 times on paper. If he gets another note it will be 200 times. He got the first note and wrote 100 times. Got a second note sent home and he hid it from me, forged my signature (lol he actually thought the teacher wouldn't notice the handwriting). When confronted why he hid the note he sadi he did not want to write. So getting him to write it was impossible so that's why i stripped his room of anything fun and have told him he needs to stay in there all weekend because of getting a second note, hiding it, forging my name on it, and not doing the writing. He still keeps trying to get out of his punishment making the whole house miserable. Here are some examples of not listening at school.
Told 2 times to line up from recess and ignored the teacher. Was asked to be quiet in line and continued to make silly noises. Chose to draw cartoons while he was being given directions on an assignment. Those were all on the last note I got from the teacher. He wants to be a clown and make the kids laugh so thats why he does silly things. His maturity level is that of a 2nd grader not a 3rd grader and that is what the teacher has told me. His academics are also very poor, horrific handwriting, spelling, etc. There are Kindergarteners that write and spell better than him. This is so hard for us to deal with because we have an older ds who is a straight A student who is very well behaved at school. Thank God it is not a reflection of us because we do have one good kid. Completely different personalities.

 

[rchristiansen]

What kind of discipline is the school giving? I am of the thought that if school is handing out one set of discipline, then a second isn't needed at home. If there isn't any sort of discipline at school then it's probably not that big of a deal -- if just a gentle reminder note is sent home, then perhaps ijust a bit of positive reinforcement is needed. I reserve grounding for serious offenses - gross disrespect or ignoring house rules.

Also, what sort of "not listening" is it? There are varied degrees...

Like -- "I told you 100 times to clean your room" (Where, me as a parent just roll my eyes and let the kid live in filth as a consequence)

OR

"Do the dishes", "I don't wanna..." "Go do them..." "Ok, fine" But if that type of exchange turns into disrespect and arguing then perhaps grounding/taking away computer time. And she still has to do the dishes

OR

"Your homework is due on Wed." Is he maybe just scatterbrained and doesn't follow through? And an organizational system is needed to be set up.

OR

Or maybe some sort of specific directions he can't follow? Step 1, 2 then 3? Perhaps as others mentioned, a bigger cognitive issue such as ADHD should be addressed?

 

[sparklynails23]

I've seen kids like this. They don't do well in school, so they misbehave to try to gain the other kids' acceptance. I haven't seen a good solution yet. If the academics are difficult for him, it is really going to be miserable for him to be at school every day Mon. through Fri. Can you imagine having to go to a place every single day where you are never the best and struggle to succeed? That would be tough for a person of any age. I would homeschool, but if he will not listen to you either, that might not be a good idea. Get the opinion of a well-respected professional, but don't make home a negative place, too. Good luck.

 

[kirstenb1]

Okay...does he listen when it's something he wants to hear? I'm not being sarcastic, but that is my first question to try to unravel this issue.

If yes, then it's within his control. Punishment is appropriate. The fact that he won't stay in his room, which you have clearly laid out as part of his punishment, suggests he is not respecting you for whatever reason.

If no, then he may really have an underlying issue like ADD or a hearing problem. DD has ADD. As an example, we could tell her we're leaving for Busch Gardens in 20 minutes (her favorite place), and she needed to get dressed and come downstairs. 20 minutes later, I'd go to her room and she still wasn't dressed. The child psychiatrist said that was a textbook example of ADD. The person can't pull it together even when highly motivated.

 

[dfchelbay]

I told him if he gets a note sent home he will have to write "I will listen at school." 100 times on paper. If he gets another note it will be 200 times. He got the first note and wrote 100 times. Got a second note sent home and he hid it from me, forged my signature (lol he actually thought the teacher wouldn't notice the handwriting). When confronted why he hid the note he sadi he did not want to write. So getting him to write it was impossible so that's why i stripped his room of anything fun and have told him he needs to stay in there all weekend because of getting a second note, hiding it, forging my name on it, and not doing the writing. He still keeps trying to get out of his punishment making the whole house miserable. Here are some examples of not listening at school.
Told 2 times to line up from recess and ignored the teacher. Was asked to be quiet in line and continued to make silly noises. Chose to draw cartoons while he was being given directions on an assignment. Those were all on the last note I got from the teacher. He wants to be a clown and make the kids laugh so thats why he does silly things. His maturity level is that of a 2nd grader not a 3rd grader and that is what the teacher has told me. His academics are also very poor, horrific handwriting, spelling, etc. There are Kindergarteners that write and spell better than him. This is so hard for us to deal with because we have an older ds who is a straight A student who is very well behaved at school. Thank God it is not a reflection of us because we do have one good kid. Completely different personalities.

Whoa...at the risk of being judgmental, I literally gasped and said "whoa" out loud just now when I read the highlighted text you wrote. Maybe he's picking up on this. This would explain a lot of his acting out.

 

[lukenick1]

Whoa...at the risk of being judgmental, I literally gasped and said "whoa" out loud just now when I read the highlighted text you wrote. Maybe he's picking up on this. This would explain a lot of his acting out.

Yeah I think your taking that comment wrong. I mean that we have one kid who is good at school. So the staff knows that we are not just unattentive parents who do not care about our kid. Let's be honest here, a lot of the kids who act out at school do not have the best home life. It's a fact.

 

[agnes!]

I'd take him in for a physical/medical assessment, you need to rule out any possible medical issues. The complete picture is troubling to me... the maturity-level coupled with the academic issues added to the behaviors. It might be something as simple as he needs hearing aids or glasses or it could be something else. You need to know what you're up against before you can make your plan of attack to improve his life.

And I think that punishing someone who already has school problems with more (mindlessly repetitive) schoolwork usually doesn't work them to correct the initial behavior, it just teaches the kid to hate schoolwork even more.

agnes!

 

[lukenick1]

I've seen kids like this. They don't do well in school, so they misbehave to try to gain the other kids' acceptance. I haven't seen a good solution yet. If the academics are difficult for him, it is really going to be miserable for him to be at school every day Mon. through Fri. Can you imagine having to go to a place every single day where you are never the best and struggle to succeed? That would be tough for a person of any age. I would homeschool, but if he will not listen to you either, that might not be a good idea. Get the opinion of a well-respected professional, but don't make home a negative place, too. Good luck.

He would do well at school if he would spend more time focusing on the work rather than being a goof ball. He is lazy to do the work too. Not a very motivated kid at all.

 

[dfchelbay]

Yeah I think your taking that comment wrong. I mean that we have one kid who is good at school. So the staff knows that we are not just unattentive parents who do not care about our kid. Let's be honest here, a lot of the kids who act out at school do not have the best home life. It's a fact.

Yeah...ok...cool. Glad that's not how you intended it to read. Do you think going to see a therapist might help? Maybe get to the root of the issue. Maybe a therapist can pull out of him why he's acting the way he is. Doesn't have to be a long term thing, but maybe until you figure out what's going on with him and a plan of action for it. Sometimes it's easier for a kid to let a stranger into their inner-self than a close relative/family member.

 

[agnes!]

Are there two people posting here as the OP? It's nice when a couple gets to DIS together .

agnes!

 

[chrysano]

I know that sounds stupid but I always like to rule out anything medical first.
It is very frustrating.

Also at that age, he may not quite associate the punishment at home for what he did at school. It may be too disconnected.

 

[lukenick1]

I'd take him in for a physical/medical assessment, you need to rule out any possible medical issues. The complete picture is troubling to me... the maturity-level coupled with the academic issues added to the behaviors. It might be something as simple as he needs hearing aids or glasses or it could be something else. You need to know what you're up against before you can make your plan of attack to improve his life.

And I think that punishing someone who already has school problems with more (mindlessly repetitive) schoolwork usually doesn't work them to correct the initial behavior, it just teaches the kid to hate schoolwork even more.

agnes!

Yeah I think your right.....

 

[lukenick1]

Are there two people posting here as the OP? It's nice when a couple gets to DIS together .

agnes!

I went to a different computer and it was already logged on as karenbaco when I started this thread. Oops! I will stay as Lukenick1, I like this computer better.