Discipline advice needed.....

[dfchelbay]

I went to a different computer and it was already logged on as karenbaco when I started this thread. Oops! I will stay as Lukenick1, I like this computer better.

Maybe this is DS's issue...never knows who mommy is from one minute to the next, and it messes him all up...lol.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Whoa...at the risk of being judgmental, I literally gasped and said "whoa" out loud just now when I read the highlighted text you wrote.

WOW....

OMG.....

I so agree....

And, to see this followed by derogatory remarks like 'lazy' and 'goof-ball'.

OP, there are some serious, and real, underlying (non-discipline related) issues and problems going on here.

You need to have a thorough neuro-eval done on your son.

You also need to re-evaluate how you are seeing this, and 'comparing' your children while being derogatory in ANY way.

 

[SpecialK]

It sounds to me like he's acting out because he's frustrated. You've said that his academic performance is poor, handwriting is bad, and spelling is bad. Couple that with a lesser maturity level than his classmates, and the acting out doesn't surprise me. Oftentimes kids will act out when they are frustrated with not being able to keep up. They can hide behind being class clown rather than face the embarrassment that comes with being the slow one in the class.

If it was me, I'd have his hearing and vision checked first, then I'd have him tested to get a baseline on where he falls academically. He may need tutoring or to be placed in a lower grade so he can catch up. Kids don't act up for no reason. There's usually something more behind it.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Honestly, if he is healthy (physically and mentally), I would put the fear of God in him. I know- not popular anymore...

 

[lukenick1]

WOW....

OMG.....

I so agree....

And, to see this followed by derogatory remarks like 'lazy' and 'goof-ball'.

OP, there are some serious, and real, underlying (non-discipline related) issues and problems going on here.

You need to have a thorough neuro-eval done on your son.

You also need to re-evaluate how you are seeing this, and 'comparing' your children while being derogatory in ANY way.

I'm sorry but where did I compare them? I was just explaining what our other son is like. Never did I compare him to his brother. As a matter of fact I even said "different personalities".

 

[Tinijocaro]

I am gathering from OP's post that her ds is "hearing" her and processing it just fine, he is choosing to not obey. That does not sound like add or adhd. The fact that he won't stay in his room when punished sounds more like ODD. I have a child like this, no punishment works. He hears but does his own thing anyways despite the consequences. My other three kids get it, just not him.

 

[lukenick1]

I am gathering from OP's post that her ds is "hearing" her and processing it just fine, he is choosing to not obey. That does not sound like add or adhd. The fact that he won't stay in his room when punished sounds more like ODD. I have a child like this, no punishment works. He hears but does his own thing anyways despite the consequences. My other three kids get it, just not him.

AMEN! Exactly, he just wants the negative attention I really believe that. I don't believe he has ADD at all, he has no trouble focusing on things for long periods of time. He just has selective hearing and I just don't know what to do to get him to listen. I guess it will be a struggle for a while More one on one attention perhaps will help.

 

[5lilfish]

My son's ADHD really started to show in 3rd grade. Until then, I pretty much knew he had it but he was able to get by without an official diagnosis (and meds). In 3rd grade he started getting into trouble for little things...like not being on the same page as the rest of the class in a book, talking when he shouldn't, etc. This is the only year he ever had these issues (and honestly it was mostly due to a teacher personality conflict). By 4th grade my son knew he had problems focusing. He'd actually tell the teacher, "I know I need to do my work, but I can't make myself do it." He also started having major self-esteem issues. He so desperately wanted to be good (and he was never willfully bad) but it took so much effort on his part. He was exhausting himself. he would walk throught he door after school and simply melt down. He had held it together, and had tried so hard to make sure he was 'good' for 7 hrs that he was beat. Then he started saying things like, "I'm the worst kid ever." Then we knew it was time....he was diagnosed and he started taking Adderall XR. It improved the quality of his life. He was actually able to participate in things and he wasn't so worn out all the time. Sure, I'd love for him not to need to take meds, but I know we are doing it for him (not for us and not for the school).

Long story but...I would rule out a medical cause.

Jess

 

[sparklynails23]

He would do well at school if he would spend more time focusing on the work rather than being a goof ball. He is lazy to do the work too. Not a very motivated kid at all.

The kids I was referring to aren't necessarily incapable of the work, but often lack motivation or focus or aren't exposed to the method of teaching that would work for them. It is sad.

 

[Julie*]

I have had similar struggles with my 8 year old boy at school and at home over the past 3 years. He was just diagnosed with dyslexia and dysgraphia at the end of 2nd grade and has just started receiving reading/writing services through the special education dept at his school. We also have him seeing a counselor outside of school once per week to talk with him and work on strategies for controlling his temper.

We finally feel like we are moving in the right direction and getting him the help he needs to succeed. Like you, we have an older child (daughter) who has been a well-behaved and good student. Our little spitfire has certainly thrown us for a loop!

I have to say though the one thing that counselor has told us is that if we start on a path (reward stickers, no tv etc) then we have to stick with it for the long term even if it doesn't work in the short term. We have also stopped yelling at him and it's really calmed our whole family down.

Good luck to you.

Julie

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

WOW....


OP, there are some serious, and real, underlying (non-discipline related) issues and problems going on here.

You need to have a thorough neuro-eval done on your son.

You don't know that. Sometimes kids are buttheads for no underlying reason.

(OP - I'm not, of course, calling your child a butthead)

 

[Darcy03231]

OP, I have a son (my youngest) like you've described, although we didn't have the disrepectful issue at home.

First, I had him tested to rule out any medical problems (and there were none.) He's a senior this year and school and homework have always been a battle. He just hates it. If I had it to do all over again, I would homeschool. He does really well with hands on learning or something that interests him.

An example, each year we take a big family vacation. In September/October of each year I give the kids (we have 4) a budget and they each plan a family vacation within that budget. They pick where they want to go, what there is to do, where to stay, etc. On Christmas morning each child makes their presentation and we vote (with Mom and Dad having the final say). He has no issue researching places, finding out what there is to do, doing all the math, etc. He's actually put together some really elaborate presentations over the years with videos, music, etc. It interests him and he excels with it. But, if I were to say I want to do a research paper on Costa Rica (one of his choices one year - and we ended up going) it might get done, but poorly. Given his choice of place and presentation he ended up doing this elaborate presentation about the people, the language, the food, the differences in geography from staying inland to on the beach, the cost differences from staying in various areas. He got really involved in it and even researched their history, what they major imports and exports were, etc. He became a walking, talking encyclodpedia about Costa Rica that year. For him, learning is about how the subject is learned and a traditional school system doesn't foster that.

Good luck.

 

[luvmythree]

Former teacher here. First off I would make sure there is nothing medically wrong with him like ADD or ADHD. If those tests are fine I would talk to the teacher and see if she could put him on a behavior contract. I had several kids on behavior contracts in my 3rd grade class.

For my school the parents, student, teacher and principal along with a school psychologist met together. We figured out the issues the student was having and put them on a contract. The child was told in front of all of us what was expected and what the consequences were of not getting all smiley faces on his contract each day.

Then we sent the contract home with the student at the end of the day. The parent looked over the contract with the student, talked to them about what they did to get frown's or how great it was they got smiley faces. The parent signed the contract and the student brought it back to me.

I kept them and at the end of a pre-determined amount of time (usually at first it was every 2-3 days but as it went on we lengthened the time) we would reward the student at school with a very small reward (we also asked the student the things that he would like to do...ie: erasing the board, getting a treat from the treat jar etc.) if he had say 6 smiley faces.

At home the parent would reward as well but with different things. I can honestly say that after about 6 months the students with contracts were so much better and eventually we were able to take them off and they just went about their day like everyone else.

Good luck and as a former teacher thank you for being aware and trying to get him to comply in class. You have no idea how much that is appreciated!

 

[lukenick1]

You don't know that. Sometimes kids are buttheads for no underlying reason.

(OP - I'm not, of course, calling your child a butthead)

Oh I would be lying if I said I didn't think he was being a butthead at times. No offense taken but what I do take offense to is people who think its so ludicrous that I would describe my son as lazy. Seriously, whats the big deal??? I do not sugar coat anything nor do I want to make excuses. He is definitely not a fan of school or rules. Never has been. He could spend hours constructing Lego creations or playing on the computer or video games so I know he can focus. He is also VERY social and has a ton of friends. So do I punish him at home for the issues the teachers are having with him in class or let them deal with it? That is what I am struggling with. I do admit that I can be VERY strict sometimes and more of it is worrying what they will think of him. I think a little counseling for the both of is is not a bad idea. I just want harmony for all of us

 

[cornflake]

I am NOT suggesting that your son has ADD/HD, but I did want to point out that the ability to focus intently on something they enjoy (like Legos) is not a disqualifier, it's actually common in kids with it.

I'd definitely have his hearing checked and other things.

The contract sounds like a good idea - does he actually understand what he's doing? Like will he admit he wasn't paying attention or didn't want to be quiet or does he say he didn't know/didn't hear, etc.?

 

[Forevryoung]

AMEN! Exactly, he just wants the negative attention I really believe that. I don't believe he has ADD at all, he has no trouble focusing on things for long periods of time. He just has selective hearing and I just don't know what to do to get him to listen. I guess it will be a struggle for a while More one on one attention perhaps will help.

Negative attention is still ATTENTION.

Come up with something to "earn"- time with you playing a favorite activity or computer time or something that would be reinforcing (if you think he's doing it for attention then use your attention as the reinforcement).

Essentially you make your attention contingent on his behavior.

Use a timer with homework/non preferred activities (cleaning room...)- and say " ___ minutes of homework, you are working for special time together (or whatever he wants)"

When the timer goes off, he gets x minutes to spend doing his chosen activity (set the timer) and then he goes back to his work. The cycle repeats.

It puts it all in his hands and you can just repeat the same line like a broken record without feeding into the negative attention- "First homework and then time together"

It works if you are consistent. And it can work with anything.

 

[cornflake]

Oh, also, one thing jumped out at me - you said you'd told him he'd have to write lines 100x for each successive note he brought home. But he hid the second, forged your sig, etc.

So it was 'impossible' for him to write lines? Nooooo no no no no.

That's when he sits down and writes the original 200, neatly, then 200 more for hiding it. He sits there. He doesn't do anything til he's done. He doesn't get fed until he's done.

I know you added punishments on top (the room stuff) after you found out, but I think consistancy is really important and if you abandon a punishment and then impose another, it can be confusing and may send the message that he can get out of stuff if he's creative enough, if you see what I mean.

 

[RitaZ.]

Are there two people posting here as the OP? It's nice when a couple gets to DIS together .

agnes!

I was wondering the same thing.

 

[lukenick1]

I was wondering the same thing.

already answered that question.....scroll back

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I've been working with special needs kids for 10 years and have one of my own. I'm not saying your child has special needs (although an evaluation for possible ADHD or a processing disorder is a good idea), but a lot of the techniques I've learned can be used for any child.

First, scrap all of the punishment. Don't make him write lines. Don't make him sit in his room all weekend. Don't take away his video games. This will only breed resentment and it doesn't seem to be working anyway. It may be that he truly doesn't know what you expect or has no idea where to start. When you say, "Go clean your room," it may sound like a huge, daunting task that he has no idea how to start. It's easier to ignore your request. Getting him started will take a more hands-on parenting approach. Tell him he's going to clean his room at 2:00 p.m. Give him a few warnings (10 more minutes....5 more minutes) so he knows whatever he's currently doing is going to end. At 2:00 p.m., walk him to his room. Tell him the first thing you want him to do (like stacking books on the shelf or putting clothes in the hamper). Stay nearby, but don't hover. Tell him to come to you when he's done, then give him the next task. After he's done and his room is clean, give him a small reward. Let him know that rewards can come at any time when you catch him doing something well.

This technique goes likewise for homework. Rather than, "Go do your homework," sit down with him, look at what he needs to do and help him go through it one task at a time. It sounds like his executive functioning skills need more development (he is only 8, afterall) and he needs you to help him get organized (not just his work, but his brain).

Above all, don't yell. If he yells, don't yell back. You need to maintain control of every situation. I hope it works out for you!