Difficult Situation

[branv]

Oh dear. I'm afraid things might not have gone well since OP hasn't returned. Well, I'll just hope they went AMAZING and she's just been too swept up in romance to give an update.

 

[Lauree]

Sorry for the delay in an update. My mom went to the emergency room and had unexpected surgery. Surgery went well and she is doing better. I did talk with him this weekend. The one thing I learned is that this is going to be a process. One thing he explained is that they have always had the arrangement that every Sunday would be a day for them to spend time with their son together. So, anything on a Sunday becomes "territorial time." He can't just dramatically change things. He told me that if the wedding had been further in the future that I would have definitely been going with him. He told me that she is having trouble adjusting because she has realized that what we have together is real......meaning that I am different from all his past relationships. So, I am going to give all of this more time. I know I must be supportive, as well as, speak up for myself. However, even though my mind is open so are my eyes and ears.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Sorry for the delay in an update. My mom went to the emergency room and had unexpected surgery. Surgery went well and she is doing better. I did talk with him this weekend. The one thing I learned is that this is going to be a process. One thing he explained is that they have always had the arrangement that every Sunday would be a day for them to spend time with their son together. So, anything on a Sunday becomes "territorial time." He can't just dramatically change things. He told me that if the wedding had been further in the future that I would have definitely been going with him. He told me that she is having trouble adjusting because she has realized that what we have together is real......meaning that I am different from all his past relationships. So, I am going to give all of this more time. I know I must be supportive, as well as, speak up for myself. However, even though my mind is open so are my eyes and ears.

Sorry to hear about your mom. Glad to hear her surgery went well. Must have been a stressful time.

It still seems really odd to me that a divorced couple would have weekly scheduled "together" time with their child. I could see a birthday or a school event, but every week? She's not over him and when she says "jump," your boyfriend is saying "how high?" I really don't see this working out for your relationship until he cuts the cord with her.

 

[okeydokey]

Every Sunday is unreasonable. How about every other, then once a month than phase it put. Their son doesn't have to be with both of them every Sunday. Special occasions are one thing, but a regular date is nuts.

 

[hereyago]

Wow he really served up some BS on a plate.

so no matter if they both are with other people every Sunday it is just the two of them, yea someone has guilt tripped the other or they are hooking up

 

[happygirl]

Sorry for the delay in an update. My mom went to the emergency room and had unexpected surgery. Surgery went well and she is doing better. I did talk with him this weekend. The one thing I learned is that this is going to be a process. One thing he explained is that they have always had the arrangement that every Sunday would be a day for them to spend time with their son together. So, anything on a Sunday becomes "territorial time." He can't just dramatically change things. He told me that if the wedding had been further in the future that I would have definitely been going with him. He told me that she is having trouble adjusting because she has realized that what we have together is real......meaning that I am different from all his past relationships. So, I am going to give all of this more time. I know I must be supportive, as well as, speak up for myself. However, even though my mind is open so are my eyes and ears.

Glad your mom on the mend. I wouldn't put up with any of that. His ex is calling the shots and you both are allowing it

 

[hereyago]

And am I understanding.correctly that.you have seen himfor.months and he.is.just.NOW saying.they.have.a family.date.every.Sunday? Perhaps the 3 of you or you and ex wifey have a discussion, better yet dont tell him you are going to wonder if she would back him up

 

[wdwmom0f3]

RUN! The every Sunday thing is insane! There is no way in this world I would accept that and he should understand that. Is he the "player" kind? I ask this because it sounds like he is playing both of you. Big time!

He is not putting you first at all. It seems like his ex is more important from the things that he is doing. I can understand him doing things with his son because he should, but that should not include the ex.

 

[mrsklamc]

It's clear that she is more important to him than you are. There is no way I could stay in that kind of relationship.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

Run like the wind. His ex will always run your life and be in charge of your relationship. You need to make a clean break before you get any more invested. Get out of there and don't look back it will not change. It will not get better. It WILL get worse. RUN.

 

[Imzadi]

I really appreciate all of the responses. I know he wants to spend his life with me.....he has said it often. He has said he wants us to move forward with the relationship and that would include he and his son coming to my home and spending time this summer when the kids are out of school.

Imzadi & Wishing beat me to it but I'll repeat it anyhow. Rephrased though.

Actions speak louder than words.

What you do is more significant than what you say.

And for good measure,
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Comparing his actions and words have come to my mind. Thanks for you thoughts, its helpful to hear someone else have the same ideas. Validates my own thinking in this very difficult situation.

He can't just dramatically change things. He told me that if the wedding had been further in the future that I would have definitely been going with him. He told me that she is having trouble adjusting because she has realized that what we have together is real......meaning that I am different from all his past relationships. So, I am going to give all of this more time. I know I must be supportive, as well as, speak up for myself. However, even though my mind is open so are my eyes and ears.

You DO know he just talked about some nebulous future again, where it will be wonderfully different. . . someday.

Meanwhile his actions have told you he's got a standing date with his wife each week and that is NOT changing anytime soon.

And YOUR usual pattern is to wait. . . again. . . and take it, until that "someday" comes around. Yet he also said he can't suddenly change things. This isn't suddenly. It's been happening for 8 years. It's past time to change things. How long have you both been together? Someday should have started when you talked to him this weekend. Instead, he told you to wait.

Good luck with that. I've been there, done that. As well as counsel abused women. (Not that yours is an abusive situation.) That's why I can recognize what he is doing. As well as some of the other women who've responded who've been there, done that, too. At this point, all I can say is that there are some women who have to learn this the hard way, through living it, waiting, living it, waiting, living it, and finally learning by going through it all. You seem to be one of those women. So, go for it. Learn the lessons & the signs. And hopefully when you finally get it, you will really get it.

And all you will have lost is a lot of time.

I do hope someday he changes and I wish you well. But, just from these actions, he's not SHOWING it's going to be any time soon.

You aren't a priority to him the way his wife is. And yes, I've purposely taken off the "ex" part. She's no ex in his life or subsequently, yours.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Lauree,
Everyone here is right...
Every Sunday with an ex is NOT okay.

And, an ex being upset/angry about him spending time with you is NOT okay.

Nothing about either of these situations has anything to do with his son.

Nothing about either of these situatons is okay or positive or healthy or normal.

Every Sunday, Birthdays, Holidays, Weddings, a full moon, etc.. etc... yada... yada... Basically means she OWNS him.

And, after 8 months, NOW he tries to play this....

Lauree... the parents being together (as in they are both there, but not really 'together') at their child's birthday, graduation, huge championship game, etc... THAT is normal... THAT is okay.

The game that this man is wrapped up in is just NOT okay.

Sorry....
Probably not what you really wanted to hear.

He has been divorced for years...
He has been with you for 8 months....
I say time is up, like, after a grace period of 30 days at the most.
30 days to get this all situated with this other woman, and settled with a new status-quo.

Lauree, a good relationship MUST be based on trust.
I really am not so sure you can trust him.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Run like the wind. His ex will always run your life and be in charge of your relationship. You need to make a clean break before you get any more invested. Get out of there and don't look back it will not change. It will not get better. It WILL get worse. RUN.

Exactly! It has gotten worse for my mom over the years because the ex wife is a daily problem. There are no kids either so that's not an excuse. This guy shows the signs that my step dad showed. Run Run and never look back!

 

[Wishing on a star]

You DO know he just talked about some nebulous future again, where it will be wonderfully different. . . someday.

OMG, you have just nailed it.

Yep, I have personal experience with a man who played that evasive and passive aggressive game...

BTDT
I see this type of thing from miles away.

One day, I realized that 'eventually' would NEVER come.
One day, I realized that 'eventually' was not good enough.
One day, I realized that I deserved better.

 

[Disney Doll]

He sold you a bill of goods.
You bought it.
You need more time to learn the lesson.
I wish you luck...you're going to need it.
I'm glad your Mom is OK.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I forgot to say that I am sorry your mother had to go thru ER and surgery... I am glad that she is doing better!

You have been thru a lot these past few days...

Give yourself time for introspection and to really digest everything that is going on.

 

[Imzadi]

And, after 8 months, NOW he tries to play this....

This part I don't get. If they've been together for 8 months, then already he's had a standing date every Sunday with his wife & kid. THIS shouldn't be something new to the OP.

I'm curious who has custody of the son. Does she? And he gets the son on weekends AND spends Sundays with the wife? Either way, basically one of those days is spent with the wife. How odd, the kid is 10, not 4, needing an adjustment period of his parents splitting up.

OMG, you have just nailed it.

Yep, I have personal experience with a man who played that evasive and passive aggressive game...

BTDT
I see this type of thing from miles away.

One day, I realized that 'eventually' would NEVER come.
One day, I realized that 'eventually' was not good enough.
One day, I realized that I deserved better.

He sold you a bill of goods.
You bought it.
You need more time to learn the lesson.
I wish you luck...you're going to need it.
I'm glad your Mom is OK.

Yep, as women who've been though this and have chimed in on this thread, we have learned the lesson through hard knocks, and can recognize the signs. And we also recognize when someone else is doing it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I know I must be supportive,.....

This statement, now that I am seeing it again, is troubling.
You do NOT have to 'support' a man in maintaining a regular relationship with another woman... one who would do whatever she could to control him, come between the two fo you, and keep you out of his life....

Why would feel you have to be 'supportive'.

Perhaps that statement was just not worded correctly.

But, to use the word 'supportive' here is a real red-flag.

 

[RachaelA]

Please listen to everyone on here.

He is just blowing smoke up your butt and he has not plans to change anything. It is not normal for him to spend every single Sunday with his ex even if his kid is there. That's just weird.

 

[Wishing on a star]

This part I don't get. If they've been together for 8 months, then already he's had a standing date every Sunday with his wife & kid. THIS shouldn't be something new to the OP.

No, that is not that something that I wonder about or was concerned about.. When it is two adults with their own lives and obligations... He does have a son... Maybe they do not live especially close together.... When things fall into a routine where Saturdays are good days to plan for... etc....

But, now that, after the past few months, and this impending wedding, she DOES know that his priority has been, and will continue to be, spending every Sunday, Birthday, Holiday, etc... with his ex....