Difficult Situation

[Lauree]

I am in a relationship with a man that is exclusive (we dont date other people). We have been in this relationship for 8 months. We are both divorced and have children. He and his ex have been divorced for over 8 years. He maintains a good relationship with her for his son. They go out to eat, etc. He told me from the beginning he did this because when his parents got divorced, they still did things together with he and his brother and that it meant a lot to him. I am very supportive of this and have NEVER complained about anything. We are getting more serious and talking long-term commitment and have started doing things with our children (movies). His ex has begun to treat me differently (she used to be nice but is now acting "snarky"). She got very angry about us taking our children to the movies....we even had to postpone it because of her. Now, this weekend he HAS to go with her to a family wedding. The son is almost 10 years old, so my boyfriend isn't going to "babysit." It almost feels to me like he is having to go and be her "date" because she doesn't have a man in her life. This really bothers me. Should I ignore this (she probably wants to upset me)? Or is it silly for me to feel upset? I just feel its time for him to set boundaries with her. Would appreciate ideas from others who have been in a similar situation. Thanks!

 

[lizabu]

I think you came into the situation knowing what it was. And it's going to take some time before it changes. My DH has a son from a previous relationship and it was nothing for the ex to call him and expect him to drop everything and take her to the grocery store or whatever. If he took his son to an amusement park or to dinner she would tag along. When we were dating I just accepted that he was going to be needed at times. Once we got married and had a baby he didn't have as much time and he would want to bring his DD to places. I would come because she was just a baby and it wasn't easy for him to manage a baby on his own. I guess it got too crowded for her and she stopped tagging along. There were times where she was completely rude to me but I just let it roll off my back. Eventually she found a guy and got married. She's not even the same person she once was. I couldn't even imagine the person she is today doing or saying the things she did and said before. There are always periods of adjustment. Those periods can hurt. Hang in there and things will get better.

 

[*JoGo*]

I think I would give him an ultimatum. You or her. Family wedding has absolutely nothing to do with being there for his son. I think you are correct, he is her date. And she must know it will make you mad.

How many long term relationships has he had since divorcing her? I'm going to guess any have ended over the ex.

My mil and her ex have always remained civil. They did things together for their child, but they would NEVeR have gone to a wedding together, or even the movies. They did things together that were events for their child. Now they do things together for their grandkids- holidays, church events, etc.

 

[Robbi]

I can see him going to dinner, etc. My first husband and present husband and I all got along very well for my son's sake. My husbands even became friends. Your BF going to a wedding as her date is a bit much though unless he is really close to the couple and then he should be taking you. It looks like you may have to broach the situation since she has begun to interfere with your relationship. You don't want 3 people in your marital relationship.

 

[Deb in IA]

I think this is something that your boyfriend has to work out with his ex.

 

[okeydokey]

I am not sure I would fuss about the wedding, but I absolutely would about her trying to roadblock him doing things with his son and you and your kids.

If the relationship is getting serious then it is natural that the kids get to know each other and you all do things together.

 

[disykat]

I agree with you that it sounds like he is going as her date. He needs to set some limits. I don't think it's "you or her," because obviously she isn't going anywhere, but I think it is getting to the point where you should be the only person he is dating.

Somehow he and his ex have blurred the lines about what being there for their child means. Until they get that worked out, they're not ready to date other people.

 

[Christine]

Now, this weekend he HAS to go with her to a family wedding. The son is almost 10 years old, so my boyfriend isn't going to "babysit." It almost feels to me like he is having to go and be her "date" because she doesn't have a man in her life.

Can you tell me why he is telling you he "HAS" to go.

Here's all I can add to this:

My cousin had one of the best divorces I've ever seen. It was about 25 years ago. Her kids were very young. The divorce was her idea but she insisted on almost forcing her ex-husband to remain in her kids' lives. She felt if you didn't do that, the ex (usually the father) has a tendency to drift from the kids especially if they find a new partner.

My cousin was very strong in insisting that the ex be invited to all family functions that her kids were attending and, as such, we've all continued to maintain a relationship with her ex husband. He stayed part of the family. So, I can sort of see that this "family wedding" situation. It could be that members of, I assume, the ex-wife's family that still have a relationship with your boyfriend and want him at this wedding. This family is not HIS family, they are his ex-wife's family. I'm assuming they don't know you and did not include you as his "plus one." They just invited him along as they probably already have. His son and ex wife are going and he is invited to go as part of his old immediate family.

I think this is just going to take some adjustment on everyone's parts. In my cousin's scenario, it has been 25 years, she has a second husband, her ex husband has a very long-term girlfriend who now gets invites to our family functions.

Gosh, I'm not sure that all made sense.

In my cousin's scenario, her ex was invited everywhere and there were TONS of sports activities the kids were in where they actually even had to travel together because the father was a coach and the mother was involved in some way too.

I am sure to each of their partners, it was uncomfortable at first. But everyone did finally adjust.

I would not give ultimatums at this point unless you are really prepared that you will be on the losing side of it.

 

[Lauree]

I truly believe he is attending (he indicated he was not going to enjoy his afternoon at the wedding) to keep the "peace" with her. I'm not going to fuss at him or start any kind of fight, but wonder if this should be the point that I tell him he needs to think about boundaries. She calls him all the time when we are together. We rarely go out without her calling for some reason. I have never complained because I don't want to put him in a difficult situation. Our plans this summer are to live together for part of the week (he owns a business and must work late nights for part of the week). When we reach that point in the relationship, I'm not so sure that I can continue to be the "strong" one. He knows he is asking me to be the stronger person, because he has told me that. I am just feeling worn down. Especially after her anger over us wanting to take all the kids for one afternoon to the movies.

 

[mrsklamc]

He tells you he is expecting you to be the strong one? That seems...odd to me. Personally, if I had kids I can't see living with a guy 'part time' w/ all this other stuff unresolved (unless your child/kids aren't going to be there during the 'part time' living together thing.)

Unless he is close to the couple/family and looking forward to spending time with them, sounds like the ex is just using the kid to manipulate your BF into being her date.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I truly believe he is attending (he indicated he was not going to enjoy his afternoon at the wedding) to keep the "peace" with her. I'm not going to fuss at him or start any kind of fight, but wonder if this should be the point that I tell him he needs to think about boundaries. She calls him all the time when we are together. We rarely go out without her calling for some reason. I have never complained because I don't want to put him in a difficult situation. Our plans this summer are to live together for part of the week (he owns a business and must work late nights for part of the week). When we reach that point in the relationship, I'm not so sure that I can continue to be the "strong" one. He knows he is asking me to be the stronger person, because he has told me that. I am just feeling worn down. Especially after her anger over us wanting to take all the kids for one afternoon to the movies.

Now the hard part comes. Can you live the rest of YOUR life like this?

There is nothing wrong with how he is living his life and being involved with this son however it is not cool to expect you to suck it all the time, esp. all the extra phone calls. That is weird. It is like they are still married.

I guess in essence he is "dating his ex" by going to the wedding with her.

At this point I would sit back, watch, and keep my ears open. See how HE behaves and what HE says to you about his ex. In other words turn your attention away from "the ex" and tune into your BF.

In addition the more serious you guys get the more he might have a tendency to try and get you to back off, if that makes sense.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

This might not be popular but ex's can be on friendly terms but there is no need to socialize. They can attend common functions such as school concerts and birthdays.

I wouldn't be happy with my husband going to a wedding with his ex-wife.

Your boyfriend does need to learn to set boundaries. There's no reason for all the phone calls. The child is old enough to call his Dad or for the Dad to call the child.

The ex sounds very controlling.

 

[MouseketeerMMC]

Who broke up with who? It sounds like she is still in love with him and wants to rekindle what they possibly once had.

 

[MinnieLovesMickey12]

I have to agree with everyone else. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is dating his ex. I would not move in with him even part time while the situation is like that.

I would tell him all the phone calls need to stop unless there is some emergency with the child. Otherwise the dad can communicate with his son when need be.

I would tell him unless he planned on taking YOU to the wedding as HIS DATE that you are not comfortable with him being his ex wife's date.

Screw being the strong one. He needs to man up and set some boundaries and inform the ex that he is in a new relationship and that he won't be dating her any more. I would not even want them going out to dinner together. That's a date!! Let him take his son out to dinner, not his ex.

You have to stand up for yourself NOW or you will be bound to be in this bad situation long term.

 

[Zandy595]

I could not be in a relationship with someone who spent that much time with his ex. Seems a little odd to me.

 

[TeresaNJ]

My ex husband and I attend the same family functions such as holidays, weddings, etc, when our kids are involved, but we don't go to them together, we go to them with our respective spouses. In fact, I am fairly good friends with my ex's spouse (who, by the way, was a participant in the breakup of my ex & I's marriage). I am positive she would not sit by while my ex and I went on a "date" together, for the sake of the kids, nor would I expect her to.

 

[mrsklamc]

She got very angry about us taking our children to the movies....we even had to postpone it because of her.

This is a huge red flag, too. There is NO way she should have this much influence in what you do.

 

[Lauree]

I have asked him if she believes they are going to get back together. He adamantly says "no." There never has been any interest in them becoming a couple again. He has told her that I am important, and has told me that she is scared it will change how they have lived for all these years. He says that she is nervous/worried. I also believe that I am the only person who has lasted this long.....he has indicated that other women accused them of still having a physical relationship....I have been around them a good bit. I see NO evidence of that. So, I guess my only choice is to hang tough....because at the core of all....I love him and he loves me.

 

[jrmasm]

I have asked him if she believes they are going to get back together. He adamantly says "no." There never has been any interest in them becoming a couple again. He has told her that I am important, and has told me that she is scared it will change how they have lived for all these years. He says that she is nervous/worried. I also believe that I am the only person who has lasted this long.....he has indicated that other women accused them of still having a physical relationship....I have been around them a good bit. I see NO evidence of that. So, I guess my only choice is to hang tough....because at the core of all....I love him and he loves me.

No, you have another option. You can tell him that you need him to develop a more appropriate relationship with his ex or you're outta of there.

 

[lizabu]

I have asked him if she believes they are going to get back together. He adamantly says "no." There never has been any interest in them becoming a couple again. He has told her that I am important, and has told me that she is scared it will change how they have lived for all these years. He says that she is nervous/worried. I also believe that I am the only person who has lasted this long.....he has indicated that other women accused them of still having a physical relationship....I have been around them a good bit. I see NO evidence of that. So, I guess my only choice is to hang tough....because at the core of all....I love him and he loves me.

At the point when the ex told him she was afraid things would changed it would have bee a good time to assure her that yes things will change. Change is a good, healthy part of life. I would wait things out too. She may not accept a sudden overnight change but gradually over time things are going to change. She will have to get used to it.