did something good for someone so why do i feel so bad?

[gator75]

hopefully someone can give me some insight as to why i'm feeling this way. At the beginning of june my father in law had a triple by pass. he works for a local hardware company my mother in law also works she works 40 hours a week as did he,until his surgery now he is down to 12 hours a week. in july dh and i felt bad for them so we gave them a 300.00 gift card to a local supermarket. they where greatful , and for some reason i thought that would be the one and only time we would have to help them....well it was until today i had an app this morning that i couldn't take my cell to so dh couldn't call me to ask permission. his mom called ,and with tears in her eyes asked if she could have another gift card to buy food. dh said yes , then she also wanted 450.00 to buy propane for their tank they live in the country , dh said he had to talk to me he did and i did give them the money so someone tell me if i'm supossed to feel joyful when i do something nice why don't i? also i don't for sure know when the asking will stop at what point do i draw the line? i don't want to become their personal bank. sorry about the long post

 

[Liberty Belle]

Family helps eachother. If they're unable to get what they need, especially since your FIL had medical problems, I think family should help them out, especially if all your needs are provided for.

As to why you don't feel great about it, maybe you're concerned that it will get worse? Maybe you're wondering if they're getting too old to support themselves and you'll have to do it? I don't know.

 

[Disney Doll]

Perhaps you feel "bad" (concerned???) because his parents have never needed financial help from you before?

Is it time for DH to have that difficult conversation with them about their financial status and future plans???

 

[Magpie]

Because there's a BIG difference between spontaneously offering to help a family member (a kind gift) and having a family member ASK you to give them money (an uncomfortable obligation).

I think you're right to be worried. You're smart to make these last couple of payments a "gift" for now and not expect anything back - loans just tend to cause bad feelings in families, and it doesn't sound like you can ever reasonably expect them to pay you back.

You and your husband need to sit down with your in-laws NOW and figure out how they're planning to support themselves in the future.

If they don't have a plan, you can refer them to a credit counselor.

Other options include offering to give them a small allowance on a regular basis to tide them over until they can support themselves, or selling property and living cheaper, or even having them move in with you.

It's never good to have family asking you for money. If you do end up giving them real loans, make sure you get everything down on paper, dated, witnessed and signed. Talking to a lawyer never hurts, either.

 

[barkley]

is the reduction in work hours due to the surgery or the economy? if it's due to the surgery then i would be hopeful that at almost 4 months post-op he could be returning to full time. if his doctors are not going to permit him to do that you might want to suggest he talk to social security because he might qualify for ssdi.

i agree with those who say your dh may need to have a sit down with them about their income/budget. one thing i can suggest right off the top is that they find out from their propane supplier what their average yearly usage is, then divide that by 12 and budget for it monthly. are primary source of fuel is propane and this is what we do. i set it aside in our savings and that way when we re-fuel we don't feel such a financial hit. they can also see if their propane company has any community sponsored programs to help people in unique circumstances out, or a payment plan for future deliveries (ours of course prefers that people pay in full, but if you sign a yearly contract that simply obligates you to use them as your supplier they will let you pay over a several month period of time).

 

[bettyann29]

I dont know why you would feel bad or feel like their bank..

Honestly if it were either my parents or DH's parents, I would freely give it.. no questions asked.. I just lost my father 4 weeks ago today and me and DH have been paying bills for my parents for the last 7 months.. They are my parents and my own personal feeling is that they took care of me growing up and while its not an obligation to help our parents, its something that I would do with no guilt or harsh feelings.. We're family and thats what we do.. Would I do it continually with a brother or sister? no.. but my parents, yes definitely if needed..

Now I dont know the ages of your husbands parents, but my parents were both retired, with little savings, no retirement.. basically the only money coming in is social security and they have been on a set income since last year after my mom had a stroke and was never released to go back to work.. and my father has been in the hospital all but 1 month this year where he passed away last month with no life insurance..

Please dont think Im bashing you.. Im not- I just feel very strongly about taking care of our parents.. Im just stating my own feelings on it with our own parents.. I am now helping to take care of my mom (Im sure we will be for the rest of her life) and would rather have my father back, but know that I am doing what is right by my mom and would do anything for either of our parents if we are financially able to and never expect any of it back..

You have to do what you feel is right for your situation.. but both sets of parents should be treated equally.. meaning if you would do it for your own parents, no questions asked then you should do it for DH's.. which you probably would..

Money is definitely a sticky situation though amongst family members..

 

[C.Ann]

Family helps eachother. If they're unable to get what they need, especially since your FIL had medical problems, I think family should help them out, especially if all your needs are provided for.

As to why you don't feel great about it, maybe you're concerned that it will get worse? Maybe you're wondering if they're getting too old to support themselves and you'll have to do it? I don't know.

I kind of pretty much agree with all of this.. Also - other than the things I see posted here on the DIS - all the people I know (my generation and older) would almost eat dirt before they would "ask"' a family member to help.. No one would ever ask a family member for money and/or help unless it was absolutely necessary..

I'm not sure what your DH's family is like.. Do they often ask people for money?

 

[Magic Mom]

Helping people isn't about feeling good. Sometimes doing the right thing stinks.

Give them the money this time and then sit down with DH and discuss how much you can afford to give them per month temporarily so that you don't get hit up for a large amount again. Then sit down all together and gently talk to them about their budget and future. Obviously you can't indefinitely hand them cash every time they need it, so you'll have to have a plan so that doesn't keep happening.

 

[gator75]

the reduction in work is due to the surgery. he is able to work abour 12 hours a week and then he gets tired. understanable. i have told my husband that this would be the last time or it will become a habit with them. they are also in the midst of building a house. they received an inheratance a few years ago and they have blown through it, so my mother in law is the only one brining home the bacon or so to say until he is back on his feet .


don't get me wrong i'm glad that we were able to help after all they gave me a wonderful gift of my husband. they raised their son to be a kind hardworking man. but i do agree with the above post that we need to sit down with them and get some things worked out money wise.

 

[bumbershoot]

... all the people I know (my generation and older) would almost eat dirt before they would "ask"' a family member to help.. No one would ever ask a family member for money and/or help unless it was absolutely necessary..

Sure do wish DH's family had been like that. FIL (now gone) needed a loan from us, and we were BROKE at the time, for his property taxes. Not something that sneaks up on you! Then his brother needed a loan for property taxes, same year. Then no one paid us back for ages and ages. We finally had to get his mom involved. FIL was a child during the Depression...but he never had a problem asking his children for money, no problem at all...peers YES, but his kids, nope.

they are also in the midst of building a house. they received an inheratance a few years ago and they have blown through it, so my mother in law is the only one brining home the bacon or so to say until he is back on his feet .

I'm seeing why you're not feeling good about it.

 

[sparklynails23]

It's not just your decision. It's your husband's.

 

[SandrA9810]

It's not just your decision. It's your husband's.

When it comes to the family finances, it's both of their decisions to allow the money to come out. Now I do believe it's up to the husband if he wants to say no to them. If he wants to say yes to them, then it needs to be a mutual yes.
If the income is shared, then it's a shared decision.

20$ here or there would be a total different situation. $750 can be a week, two weeks, or even more of their own paychecks. And they have their own bills/savings to worry about.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I think you feel bad because they are painting you into a corner. Money isn't easy to come by and I'm sure you've worked very hard to put a savings together for yourself. Every dime your in-laws take from you is that much less you have to take care of yourselves. As anyone can see things are not great and most of the country is about a paycheck away from serious trouble. At my count you've given your in-laws $1050 which is a great deal more than helping, you have crossed over into actually providing for them. I think you are right to be worried if they can't even afford to keep themselves fed and warm in the winter, those are pretty basic needs and any adult who can't pay for those necessities is in pretty serious trouble.

If you don't mind me suggesting, maybe you and your DH should consider taking your in-laws in. It sounds to me like they are in some very serious trouble and the more time they spend on their own the deeper the hole is going to get that you will end up digging them out of. I just don't see how a primary wage earner with that kind of physical problems and advancing age can pull out of something like this. Before recent generations it was very common for generations to co-habitate and I personally see nothing wrong with it, assuming the parents can behave themselves and be respectful. For a few years my Grandma was in the house with me and I was happier for it, she was smart cookie and I learned a whole lot from her about money and appropriate behavior.

At least, if this happened to my in-laws this is how I would handle it, I'm not saying it would be easy but it would be my approach. Good luck.

 

[arminnie]

I kind of pretty much agree with all of this.. Also - other than the things I see posted here on the DIS - all the people I know (my generation and older) would almost eat dirt before they would "ask"' a family member to help.. No one would ever ask a family member for money and/or help unless it was absolutely necessary..

I'm not sure what your DH's family is like.. Do they often ask people for money?

My experience too. I totally supported my father for the last decade of his life, but he never asked me for money.

I very much do not want to be asked for money. Share your problems, and I might volunteer to help. But don't ask for money - that is no different than begging.

My sister had business fail two years go (after 25 years). I knew how hard things were for her and have gifted her some very large amounts (over $10,000). I did this because I wanted to not because I was co-erced into it. The thought of her asking for money or me giving in to such a request is just repulsive. (in the eat dirt category).

 

[okeydokey]

It's not just your decision. It's your husband's.

Not when he's using THEIR money. Both need to be in agreement.

 

[RitaZ.]

I'm seeing why you're not feeling good about it.

I agree.

OP, I can't blame you. It's obvious that they can't really afford to be building a new house. If they're asking for help to cover basics such as food and heat, then $ must be very tight for them. How are they going to maintain that new home if your FIL doesn't recover fully? That's a strong possibility.

I have no advice on how to address the situation. Just hugs. You did a good thing.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

They are building a new house?! I think I would be sick to learn that they are needing money and they did not plan well for emergencies.

No wonder you feel bad.

Time to get them to open up their budget, bills, and then some, before I would hand over cash again. They might be in serious trouble and the sooner you find out what that is they better you can really help them.

 

[scbelleatheart]

I dont know why you would feel bad or feel like their bank..

Honestly if it were either my parents or DH's parents, I would freely give it.. no questions asked.. I just lost my father 4 weeks ago today and me and DH have been paying bills for my parents for the last 7 months.. They are my parents and my own personal feeling is that they took care of me growing up and while its not an obligation to help our parents, its something that I would do with no guilt or harsh feelings.. We're family and thats what we do.. Would I do it continually with a brother or sister? no.. but my parents, yes definitely if needed..

Now I dont know the ages of your husbands parents, but my parents were both retired, with little savings, no retirement.. basically the only money coming in is social security and they have been on a set income since last year after my mom had a stroke and was never released to go back to work.. and my father has been in the hospital all but 1 month this year where he passed away last month with no life insurance..

Please dont think Im bashing you.. Im not- I just feel very strongly about taking care of our parents.. Im just stating my own feelings on it with our own parents.. I am now helping to take care of my mom (Im sure we will be for the rest of her life) and would rather have my father back, but know that I am doing what is right by my mom and would do anything for either of our parents if we are financially able to and never expect any of it back..

You have to do what you feel is right for your situation.. but both sets of parents should be treated equally.. meaning if you would do it for your own parents, no questions asked then you should do it for DH's.. which you probably would..

Money is definitely a sticky situation though amongst family members..

Great post! You are what every person should strive to be!

 

[C.Ann]

Great post! You are what every person should strive to be!

I'll second that..

 

[Minnie]

I can't imagine how hard it must have been for his mother to call and ask for a gift card to buy food