Did I go too far? Very long.

[KAMKIM]

Just popping in to add that I don't see anything wrong with you having special time with your 8-year old, whether or not you do that when you 5-year old goes to sleep. There will be a time for the 5-year old to have special time (or you might be doing it now, that is your business). I just don't want you to think everyone is judging you on this special time.

Thank you. DD5 does get special time right before she goes to bed - snuggling/reading etc.....part of DD8's special time is that she gets to stay up later (being older and all)

 

[smiley]

Should I tell her I reconsidered her punishment? Tonight would be night 1...

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!

Stick with your original plan!

 

[disykat]

Just popping in to add that I don't see anything wrong with you having special time with your 8-year old, whether or not you do that when you 5-year old goes to sleep. There will be a time for the 5-year old to have special time (or you might be doing it now, that is your business). I just don't want you to think everyone is judging you on this special time.

No one has said anything about her having special time with her dd. The issue is making a big deal about a daily secret.

I can see the point that calling it secret might lead her to believe you approve of keeping secrets and be confusing as to how hiding something from you is that different.

 

[KAMKIM]

I get how one might think it's being sneaky and sending the wrong message but I'm far from perfect and can live with this. DD8 knows we do it once DD5 goes to bed so her feelings aren't hurt that she isn't staying up late with mommy.

She does know the difference between this and signing my name, and lying about her homework to get out of trouble.

 

[KAMKIM]

Well after considering most of the posts, I feel like even though I feel guilty about handing down a punishment that ultimately took our special time away I do need to let her know I mean business. Tonight was hard, espeically when I put her to bed with DD5 and she said ..I'll never lie again mommy...little stinker tugging at my heart strings. But I told her I was really disappointed that she decided to lie twice instead of coming to me and saying she forgot her homework.

She did mention something else which may be part of the reason for the lying...in school they were collecting magnets for good behavior (as a class) once they got to 20 they were going to get a pajama/pizza day...they were very close and the teacher said if every one turned in their homework they would get their magnet and their special day. She was probably worried once she realized she forgot her homework that she was going to ruin it for the class. Well the teacher obviously got my note because they got their pajama day.

 

[redrosesix]

I'm a grandmother - raised my own kids - helped raise my stepchildren and their children - and now live with my DD's family and my 11 yr. old DGD for 5 months out of the year..

Now that I've given you my "qualifications" for my opinion - LOL - lying is a big deal in our family and I do not think your punishment was too severe.. Lying the second time was the deal breaker..

I think missing one week of "secret time" is appropriate.. It's not too harsh nor is it too little - considering the offense..

And NO - you can't change your mind now! Consistency is the key.. You've chosen the punishment and now it's extremely important to follow through on it..

I think you did fine..

And brace yourself - there will be many, many more punishments you will have to dole out (and stick with) in the future..

ITA with this, especially the bolded part. Maybe the punishment was too harsh, since there is little room for you to up the ante if/when she lies again. But you can't back down. Give yourself some time to think of other punishments for future misdemeanors -- because you'll need them.

I have had to cancel plans to do things with my DD9 when her behaviour was disrespectful (as I believe lying is) -- yes, it's hard but it goes right to the core of the issue. If she got caught lying to her friends, teachers, coaches, the shunning she would receive would be much worse. It's a taste of reality.

Instead of TOTALLY doing away with Secret Special Time...make it still seem like it has "disappeared" to her (hence you are maintaining the punishment) but for the last few days of the week, use the time for teaching...spend it with her...it may feel like Secret Special Time to you...but to her, it's still a punishment. Give her some scenarios where a kid may lie, and have her tell you the result of their lying (student lying to teacher, kid lying to younger sibling, etc.). You can also do a chart with pros and cons of lying, anything to help her understand the long term effects (hard to understand some of them at her age).

It will probably end up being a very special time for both of you.

But of course she will still think you're sticking to the punishment...which you are...technically...

Good idea I also give my DD the opportunity to make up for things she has done wrong -- what she decides to do often goes far beyond what I would consider reasonable, but so be it since it was her idea (last time, she cleaned the entire bathroom for having "an attitude" )

It must be the age... I have noticed my 8 year old 3rd grader "stretching" the truth when telling a story a few times recently and he outright lied to me not too long ago. He loses "screen" time when he is in trouble... anything with a screen... tv, ds, wii, computer, ipod- gone. He had lied about sneaking some small toys to school (those bakugan thingys) and when I asked him (and I already knew the answer) he said he didn't do it... then he backpedaled and said he didn't know they were in his backpack (which is only used for school stuff, so they would have never been put in there for another reason). SO, he got double punishment... 2 days of no screen time for bringing the toys to school and 2 days of no screen time for lying about it. I'm hoping that it teaches him that lying gets you in twice as much trouble. His dad thought it should have been for a longer period of time, but honestly, when you are 8, 4 days seems like an eternity. As he gets older and the offenses get worse (and I'm sure they will.... ughhhh) it will have to change, but lying will ALWAYS be a double!

I used to be a kids camp director and most of our kids were this age, and this is a normal phase unfortunately -- but that doesn't excuse it. This is also the age at which you can teach them not to lie (unfortunately they actually have to get caught doing it first). It's all tied up in huge concepts like knowing the difference between the truth and a lie, taking responsibility for one's actions, etc.

No one has said anything about her having special time with her dd. The issue is making a big deal about a daily secret.

I can see the point that calling it secret might lead her to believe you approve of keeping secrets and be confusing as to how hiding something from you is that different.

Yup - I agree that for some kids this might be very confusing. My DD, who can't keep a secret to save her life , would likely be ok with it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would keep the punishment. Yea, it is tugging at your heartstrings. She will live.

 

[robinb]

Just popping in to add that I don't see anything wrong with you having special time with your 8-year old, whether or not you do that when you 5-year old goes to sleep. There will be a time for the 5-year old to have special time (or you might be doing it now, that is your business). I just don't want you to think everyone is judging you on this special time.

I totally agree with you.

I also support the OP with her punishment. Sometimes I think the punishment is harder on the parent than the child and now you're coloring alone .

BTW, this thread reminded me that my DD mentioned that she had homework on the way to swim team practice and BOTH of us spaced out her doing it tonight. I guess we're getting up extra early tomorrow morning .

 

[rumrunnergirl]

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[KAMKIM]

I guess I am the lone dissenter. I think a week of losing special time with Mom is too much. I agree that lying is not good, but we also need to see things from our child's perspective. You said she may have lied because she thought her class would not get the party and it would be all her fault - that's a big load for an 8yo to carry. NOT that it means lying is OK, but she wasn't lying to be mean or anything, KWIM?

Some of these posts hinting that children are manipulators who will "turn it up" as they get older kind of freak me out. And shunning children? Does that send the message that we only like/love them when they are perfect?

We practice positive parenting. In our house we don't use punishments - we have consequences, preferably logical ones that fit the deed/misdeed. You may think it's the same thing - but many times the wording of something can make a WORLD of difference. Some consequences are good and some are bad, just like life. The kids need to know what they are up front though. After the first time your DD lied, I would have let her know the consequence of lying a second time. That way you don't spring surprises on them. You had a discussion on lying, which is good, but I would use this week to think of a more appropriate consequence should it occur again. I just can't see losing a week of super special time with Mom - that's an awful long time to a little kid, esp. when you consider why she did it.

I dont feel like I've shunned her since obviously I am not ignoring/giving silent treatment to her. Once the punishment was handed out it was done and over with - I dont hold grudges or shun my children.

I didn't know the reason she lied until after the punishment was handed out so it was too late to back down on what I gave her.

I think this punishment got to her and sent a clear message to not lie again. So I'm okay with it and she seemed to be just fine this morning.

 

[rumrunnergirl]

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