Did I go too far? Very long.

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhh, one more thought.

Since your daughter has been so great with the homework, etc... It occurs to me that there may some slight confusion, issue, or logistical problem going on with this log. Why is it not in her folder/backpack... Has she brought it home and just forgotten about it once she gets home, because it is new. Or is there something going on at school that is tripping her up. Where is it being left??? In her desk???

I might ask the teacher how this log is being handled at school?

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

Instead of TOTALLY doing away with Secret Special Time...make it still seem like it has "disappeared" to her (hence you are maintaining the punishment) but for the last few days of the week, use the time for teaching...spend it with her...it may feel like Secret Special Time to you...but to her, it's still a punishment. Give her some scenarios where a kid may lie, and have her tell you the result of their lying (student lying to teacher, kid lying to younger sibling, etc.). You can also do a chart with pros and cons of lying, anything to help her understand the long term effects (hard to understand some of them at her age).

It will probably end up being a very special time for both of you.

But of course she will still think you're sticking to the punishment...which you are...technically...

 

[Wishing on a star]

... writing an apology to the teacher, explaining her actions

-Becca-

Excellent idea.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I think I might redefine her punishment as 'TIME OUT' during that time frame. But, yes, I am with the others... You do need to make an impact with this one!

While I agree that punishment should be enough to make an impact, and that parents should always (as often as humanly possible) be consistant and follow thru. I think that making the punishment specifically described as "no special time, no time with me" is the wrong message. I really don't like the connotations of shunning/abandonment/separation/etc.

Time out, Time to think about what she has done, etc...
That might be a better approach.

ITA with the above.

It really hurts to be a mom sometimes, and I can tell this was one of those times for you, OP. It hurts to see them crushed, especially when you're the one who had to crush them.

All kids fib from time to time, but she forged your initials. That's a big deal IMO, and you need to respond strongly to that. Hang tough, Mom!

 

[jfoofj]

It must be the age... I have noticed my 8 year old 3rd grader "stretching" the truth when telling a story a few times recently and he outright lied to me not too long ago. He loses "screen" time when he is in trouble... anything with a screen... tv, ds, wii, computer, ipod- gone. He had lied about sneaking some small toys to school (those bakugan thingys) and when I asked him (and I already knew the answer) he said he didn't do it... then he backpedaled and said he didn't know they were in his backpack (which is only used for school stuff, so they would have never been put in there for another reason). SO, he got double punishment... 2 days of no screen time for bringing the toys to school and 2 days of no screen time for lying about it. I'm hoping that it teaches him that lying gets you in twice as much trouble. His dad thought it should have been for a longer period of time, but honestly, when you are 8, 4 days seems like an eternity. As he gets older and the offenses get worse (and I'm sure they will.... ughhhh) it will have to change, but lying will ALWAYS be a double!

 

[KAMKIM]

You may not like my answer but here it goes: I think the punishment fit the crime however is secret special time the same as lying to your 5yr old?

I can remember when my Nephews were young my sister would hate to talk on the phone, back before caller id, so she would always have my BIL or the boys say she wasn't home, asleep, whatever...lie. I remember thinking she was teaching her kids to lie.

I have always tried to parent by example doesn't mean that DD hasn't lied, she has...mainly about cleaning her room and gotten punished.

At 8 your DD may think your secret is a lie too.

I dont feel like I am lying to my 5 year old - she is a sleep and then we do our special time. We're not telling her what we're doing one way or another..

 

[KAMKIM]

She needed something that stings after what she did was a big deal. I do feel guilty for using our special time as a punishment but there isnt a whole lot more I can take from her that would affect her. I think I got emotional about it because after i saw her face I realized how special this time is to her...which is why I feel like crap about it now.

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

I don't think it is an inapproriate punishment and telling her that you are rethinking will just reinforce the idea that lying isn't that big of a deal. Honestly you do realize that she lied to both you and the teacher? She forged something. On top of losing secret time mine would be writing an apology to the teacher, explaining her actions and I would expect my child to be given some sort of punishment at school as well (no recess, etc.)

-Becca-

I am totally with you on apologizing to the teacher!

Last year my dd was struggled with Math. Her best buddy was an ace in math. Once dd copied her friends home work to get it done so she could go play (in the afterschool program). Well I immediately knew it was not her work.

DD confessed to copying. I made her earse it and turn it in blank with a note to the teacher explaining why and apologizing for it. Boy -- did that ever work dd never tried to copy someone's answers again. When her friends try to help her by giving her the answers - she tells them "no way - its not worth it." LOL!!!

 

[Disney1fan2002]

Not to change the subject, but this kind of bothers me. Like a PP said, this "secret time" doesn't seem right to your 5yo. If you want to have special one on one time with your DD, that's fine. Have it when little bro goes to bed. Why hide it from him?

IDK, it like you are teaching our DD right away how to be "sneaky".

 

[KAMKIM]

Ohhh, one more thought.

Since your daughter has been so great with the homework, etc... It occurs to me that there may some slight confusion, issue, or logistical problem going on with this log. Why is it not in her folder/backpack... Has she brought it home and just forgotten about it once she gets home, because it is new. Or is there something going on at school that is tripping her up. Where is it being left??? In her desk???

I might ask the teacher how this log is being handled at school?

She was forgetting it in her desk. I think she was forgetting it because the step from 2nd to 3rd homework wise has been quite an increase. Reading as always been a nightly thing for us so I dont think she was putting much thought into the log to begin with. I wrote her a little sticky note and put it in her assignment book to remind her. Hopefully after a few days it will be a habit to grab it and put it in her backpack.

 

[KAMKIM]

Not to change the subject, but this kind of bothers me. Like a PP said, this "secret time" doesn't seem right to your 5yo. If you want to have special one on one time with your DD, that's fine. Have it when little bro goes to bed. Why hide it from him?

IDK, it like you are teaching our DD right away how to be "sneaky".

We are having it when DD5 goes to bed....its called secret special time more for DD8's sake - this makes it feel extra special to her.

 

[manning]

I don't know whether it was too harsh or not. COnsidering she lied to you twice AND forged you initials on homework, I think you were probably right on. The fact that she looked crushed means you hit home with her. She knows how disappointed you are with her and feels the sting of the punishement.
I do think it's important that you stick to your decision. If you cave and give into her tears and your feelings of guilt, you will send her the message that you aren't serious when it comes to big punishments.
It's hard being a responsible parent isn't it?

And she will tune up the look and tears routine in the future.

 

[KAMKIM]

Want one of us to come over and color with you? Personally, I LOVE to color!!

You did good..

Maybe that is it....I dont have a late night coloring buddy now and maybe someone would think its just odd that I am coloring a Littlest Pet Shop book all by myself

 

[Mouse House Mama]

We are having it when DD5 goes to bed....its called secret special time more for DD8's sake - this makes it feel extra special to her.

Yeah, but it seems to put the message out there that it is okay to be sneaky. What happens when one day your 5 year old finds out? I get spending time alone with her but I don't like the idea that you call it a secret. That just screams sneaky to me.
As for the punishment, she lied twice. No amount of tears and sad faces can change that. Of course she is sad. Punishment is not a reward. Set the tone now for what you expect of her. Good luck.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Just popping in to add that I don't see anything wrong with you having special time with your 8-year old, whether or not you do that when you 5-year old goes to sleep. There will be a time for the 5-year old to have special time (or you might be doing it now, that is your business). I just don't want you to think everyone is judging you on this special time.

 

[Serena]

Just popping in to add that I don't see anything wrong with you having special time with your 8-year old, whether or not you do that when you 5-year old goes to sleep. There will be a time for the 5-year old to have special time (or you might be doing it now, that is your business). I just don't want you to think everyone is judging you on this special time.

yeah, what she said.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Just popping in to add that I don't see anything wrong with you having special time with your 8-year old, whether or not you do that when you 5-year old goes to sleep. There will be a time for the 5-year old to have special time (or you might be doing it now, that is your business). I just don't want you to think everyone is judging you on this special time.

Oh I am not judging her for having special time with her child. We do stuff like that with our kids all the time. The thing is though we don't make it a secret. We might take one of the kids on a "date" and the other kids know. They also know that they will also get their turn. I don't like secrets. They cause trouble and make lying seem okay. YMMV.

 

[Magic Mom]

And she will tune up the look and tears routine in the future.

They're fast learners like that aren't they?

 

[KAMKIM]

And she will tune up the look and tears routine in the future.

Yeah I thought about that too. If she knows my feelings are probably more hurt than hers I am in trouble

 

[Minniemama350]

And NO - you can't change your mind now! Consistency is the key.. You've chosen the punishment and now it's extremely important to follow through on it..

I think you did fine..

I totally agree. Even if youthink it was too long, you've got to be consistent so that she knows you mean it when you tell her something, especially when it is an honesty issue. If you back down, it leaves room for her to question if it is OK for you to lie. Many kids her age see changing your mind as akin to lieing. I have always tried to match the punishment to the crime as you said you do. I have often felt I may have gone overboard, but I know it is important to follow through or they won't believe I'll do it when I say I will.