DH has an addiction (warning: adult issue)

[1DM]

Alias, I am greatly sorrowed to read of the "addiction", (I reguard pornography as a evil spirit of lust), that has come between a covenant that was taken before Almighty God. All I have as my guide is the Word of God. In Matthew 5, verse 27-30, Jesus said "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.'[5] 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.(I believe this Word will find it's way to your DH. Not by you perhaps, but by another. It shows how strongly Jesus felt about this issuse) 29If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
Do not parents have such a awesome responsiblity? To be intrusted with the raising of child! We should not pass on things like pornography and other sins to our children. And I believe that the children are effected by what the parents do; no matter what the age of the children or whether they see us do it or not.
I will pray for you as well, Alias. I will pray that Yahew (the Hebrew name for God) delivers your family from this evil spirit.

With Love and Blessings for you,

1DM

 

[WDW2002]

Originally posted by Tiggerlover91


Please forgive me, but I think that is a real rude and mean thing to say about her being "mad" because her husband looks at naked women. Are you married? Is it okay for your DH to look at a naked woman? Pornography is a sin....period!!!

That is YOUR opininon, which you are welcome to. I do not share your belief.
I believe that it is a valid comment. Does the husbands porn viewing cause "real" problems (does he become withdrawn, abusive etc) or is the problem in his viewing the material. I am not sure how that is rude or mean. It was a legitamate question.

My martial status is irrelevant. But since you asked I am single and NO I would not have a problem if I was married and my husband "looked at naked women," I would probably sit next to him while he did.

 

[Tiggerlover91]

Originally posted by Crissup

I think you need to reevaluate your priorities.

.....wow....I just don't get it.

 

[Otimon]

Hugs. I know this is a difficult time for you.

I feel that you said one very important thing to consider here - that he is a good husband/father in every other way.

Please consider getting some help for yourself to deal with your feelings about this.

Best wishes.

 

[snoopy]

Hmmm, I almost never take the conservative side to issues, but I do with this one. I'm with those who don't buy the "boys with be boys" theory. I know my husband doesn't look at porn, and its a good thing, because I wouldn't have it if he did. I think its demeaning to women, and unhealthy to a marriage in general.

I don't know what to say about getting him to stop though. Especially if he doesn't feel like its a problem. I'll just send good thoughts your way and hope in the end it all works out for you and your marriage.

 

[iLovDisney]

I have 2 girlfriends whose marriages were ultimately destroyed by online porn. Both men started out by just viewing it. Both moved on to chat and email. Both eventually set up a meeting with a woman and began having affairs.

Both of these families were well-to-do, with big houses and beautiful children. Just another reminder that we should never be envious of someone else's life because we don't really know what's going on.

Alias, I'd say it would be helpful for you to find someone to talk to in real life. This online porn stuff is very prevalent so you won't be the only one the counselor has ever heard about this stuff from. Hopefully, the couselor can help you to come to specifics about why you hate your DH's behavior and can help you to list specifics to tell him. Maybe if you have calm rational reasons for wanting the junk out of your house, DH will find it less easy to ignore you.

Good Luck!

 

[Gail T AGAIN]

Correct me if I am wrong but most guys are stuck on porno, just the wifes don't know about it. I am not an expert but I think if a person is not happy with themself or the people around them then go to an extreme to make themself happy. Porno can be fun at times,( I am a female so I don't like it, I am talking on the guys perspective) but to overdo it is more then I could handle. he needs to get some type of counceling to figure out his feelings towards, him, you and the rest of his life. Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[tnkrbell]

I think the bottom line is You are uncomfortable with it and it is Your life so you are allowed to feel however you want and if it upsets you then you need to deal with this with your husband.And he should want to make you happy!! I hope it works out {{hugs}}
I do not agree with some of the posters who are saying it is a sin??!! I say if it doesnt effect you what others do int he privacy of their own homes then stay out of it!!!

 

[ripleysmom]

"Over the years I forced him into counseling, etc. and nothing seems to help. He only goes because I want him to. He says that he wants to stop and that he does not know why he can't but he will not admit that he has an addiction. I don't know what to do anymore."

What did the counselor have to say? Did the counselor also agree that it was an addiction?

How often does he look at porn?


"The whole situation just makes me furious. He is a very good husband/father in every other way but he will actually lie to me about this. He actually has the nerve to tell me that he lies so that he won't hurt me."

Why is that nerve? It sounds to me like the truth. He enjoys looking at porn and you hate when he does. Why should he knowingly upset you and cause a fight if he can avoid it?


"Should I just learn to put up with this?"

I think that would depend on whether it is truly excessive. Without specifics about the number of times per day/week I couldn't make that determination.

What I can do is say that I would not dissolve my marriage over porn....I'd probably look to reap the benefits but that is the kind of person that I am.

I think you should ask yourself exactly why are you upset? Do you feel threatened by the pics that he is viewing? Do they make you feel less attractive? Obviously they make you feel something....you need to identify what that something is and deal with that.

If you can't get him to counseling, then I think that you should go to counseling by yourself.


As an aside, I agree with Crissup and WDW2002. I would also like to point out that the woman asked for advice. Some of the people on this thread may not like that advice but they are still entitled to give it. They asked valid questions and made valid points.

 

[Kermit]

In reference to the people who don't think that looking at porn is bad, it really doesn't matter if it's "right" or "wrong." Personally, I think it's wrong for a variety of reasons, but whether it's okay for other couples doesn't matter one little bit to you. You have a right to set expectations within your own marriage, as does your husband. He has to decide if he loves you enough to abide by those expectations. It doesn't matter if your expectations are completely random, such as no wearing purple on Thursday. If it bothers you, he needs to decide if he loves you enough to make you feel better.

You don't have to be like any other couple. You need to do what makes you happy. If pornography doesn't fit in your values (which your husband probably knew or at least suspected when you married, unless you've really changed your ways dramatically since your marriage), then you can be as upset and mad and hurt as you want to be.

 

[Mamu]

I am not a prude by any means, but I am a conservative person. Nudity does not bother me.

Visit any Art Gallery there is plenty of nudity some bordering on pornographic.

While I have no problems with viewing nudity. I do have problems with pornographic material. Especially if it borders unnatural pornographic material.
I do not know how serious your DH addiction is, or where his addiction lies. If it lies in viewing unnatural or hard-core pornographic material I would be concerned too. I wish I had a answer for you.

 

[CathyCanada]

Just wanted to remind people that Alias did ask for opinions and this is not the Debate board, others are entitled to their opinions.

And now for my 2 cents. I think a lot of good points have been made and because we are not in your home experiencing and seeing what you do, it is easy for us to pass judgment.

I would suggest that you go to counselling as a couple. Maybe then he will understand why it upsets you so much and if indeed, he IS addicted, he will continue the counselling because you would be together.

Whatever happens, I hope and pray that all turns out well for you.
Cathy

 

[B3LM]

Correct me if I am wrong but most guys are stuck on porno, just the wifes don't know about it.

Gail, I won't be so bold as to say that you are wrong, but I strongly disagree with that statement.

 

[EROS]

Originally posted by alias
He is a very good husband/father in every other way

THINK about that statement!!!!!!!!

Life is FULL of potential addictions: ALCOHOL, DRUGS, SMOKING, GAMBLING, PORN, DIS, SEX, POWER, ETC.

Having one or more addictions doesn't make someone a TERRIBLE person. Hey, judge not yet ye be judged. There's nothing wrong with asking a mate to consider cessation and/or treatment of an addiction. However, we ALL know that addicted personalities can't change their behavior until THEY are self-motivated. Nagging, witholding sex and fighting don't accomplish ANYTHING..........in that regard, you're on the wrong track.

If personally you find his involvement with porn to be totally intolerable, then the only leverage which you have is to threaten separation/divorce. I guess you have to ask yourself how destructive his addiction is to your family..........I think that it would be near-sighted to abandon a man strictly because of a porn addiction, but I don't find it to be as venomous as do you.

Good Luck,

 

[SilverLily]

I have to say that I don't know one man who DOES NOT look at porn every now and then. Not all of them actively seek it out, but if a friend e-mails them a picture or a link to a site, they are definitely interested in looking at it.

However, if it gets like any other addiction (interferes with time with the family, too much money is spent on it, etc.), then it is a serious problem that needs to be addressed. I don't know how often your DH is doing this, or how much money (if any) he is spending on this. I think more information would be needed to determine if it truly is an addiction, or if it is something that you just don't like.

If it truly is an addiction, I would say that you would have to get couple and individual therapy. If it is just something that irks you, that is more difficult. You have to let your spouse retain his individuality in the marriage. Just because you became a couple does not mean that he needs to change his personality and interests. But at the same time, he needs to be sensitive to your feelings. In this case, communication would be very important.

 

[CarolAnnC]

When we were dating I knew that he looked at it occassionally but I figured what guy doesn't and I had no idea the extent of it. Since we have been married we have had some BIG fights over this.

Alias, it appears to me that it is not only your DH who has "changed" since marriage, but also your own way of thinking has too. Perhaps you two can find a middle ground, a compromise. I think since he is a good husband and father, as you stated, the couple therapy is definitely a good idea.

Your long term marriage should be saved if possible, and it sounds like your family has lots going for it. Try to be understanding, and seek some professional help for both of you.

Best wishes...

 

[snoopy]

You have a right to set expectations within your own marriage, as does your husband. He has to decide if he loves you enough to abide by those expectations. It doesn't matter if your expectations are completely random, such as no wearing purple on Thursday. If it bothers you, he needs to decide if he loves you enough to make you feel better.

I agree wholeheartedly with that, Kermit. I don't think anyone can argue with that statement, regardless of their own personal feelings about porn.

 

[TheLionKing]

This is obviously a very difficult subject to discuss. For some couples and marriages, there is tolerance or frank acceptance of this behaviourand for others there is not.

Quoting biblical scriptures is fine amongst your christian friends, but not everyone on this board believes in the Bible.

Some people will debate over what the definition of pornography is. Clearly that is not the point of the thread.

Whether it be gambling, pornography, or sports... I never like to hear any couple or marriage destroyed because of an addiction.

I think you need to, as best as you can, step away from the situation and ask yourself these questions.

What bothers you more? Is it that he looks at it or that he lied to conceal his behaviour?

Why does pornography bother you?

What are your fears regarding pornography?

Why do you think he wants to view pornography?

Not to put any value judgement on anyone but there are many couples who use this material to enhance their lives in their view.

Ask yourself whether you could find any value in that kind of material?

These may be very tough questions to think about and answer truthfully because a lot of Americans have problems talking about this. I only have to point to the fact that you are using an alias.

After you answer those questions to yourself and have a pretty good idea where you stand then sit down and talk to your husband.

Maybe your husband should think about his own answers to those questions

Why does he think pornography bothers you? What does he like about it? Does he have any concerns or fears? Which does he think is worse...viewing the pornography or the fact that he is lying to you about it?

I won't be naive and say that you two will be able to work this out. But talking about it and understanding where each of you stand on these issues may help.

I hope you can come to a resolution that is good for all involved.

 

[bizybea]

Originally posted by WDW2002~

My martial status is irrelevant. But since you asked I am single and NO I would not have a problem if I was married and my husband "looked at naked women," I would probably sit next to him while he did.

I think the point here is that most women don't feel the same way, and to tell you the truth, most men wouldn't look if they had their SO with them.

Also, there is a difference between "looking at naked women" and viewing pornography. Looking at naked women would be opening an issue of Playboy. Viewing pornography would be watching a man and a woman (or two women, or a group) engage in sexual activities. It's not like going to a gallery and viewing a nude sculpture, which I'm sure none of us would have a problem doing, it's viewing hard core material and, to me, would be the same as engaging in it. I think it's wrong.

Bring on the flames!

 

[Crissup]

Originally posted by Tiggerlover91
.....wow....I just don't get it.

I can see that. Maybe the problem is, he doesn't either!