DH and I Have Been Fighting Lately

[becka]

I came here to vent a little and while I still feel like I need to vent - somehow my problems just seem so small and petty when there are people in fear for their lives or that have lost loved ones and I don't want to trivialize that.

I realize it must be pretty common for a marriage to become strained after adding children to the equation. We both love our son tremendously but in some ways he is adding so much stress to our marriage. It just seems like there is not enough time in the day for us to work on the problems either. We are both so tired at the end of the day that trying to discuss anything (well at least discussing anything rationally) is futile.

We both are bad at picking fights lately and I don't really understand why we are doing it. I don't enjoy fighting but from some of my actions lately it sure must seem like I do.

So many of our fights start out about the workload division in the house. I have hired a cleaning service to come in every two weeks to take care of some of the heavy cleaning so that helps but there are still so many daily chores that need to be done and I really feel like I am responsible for 90% of it and I know it frustrates me. DH does "help me" (I detest it when he says that because it makes the implication that I am 100% responsible and that he is being a nice guy by doing something ) but it is limited. He does the dishes, makes the bottles about half of the nights, takes out the trash and mows the lawn. Everything outside of that is apparently my job. I have tried to talk to him about it and he gets mad because he feels that he is doing his share because he does all the things I listed above and I obviously don't appreciate it.

Last night our fight started because I asked him if he would give DS a bath so I could get some cleaning done in the kitchen. DH has given DS a bath ONCE and that was because I was stuck at work until 10 that night. He always tells me that he doesn't want to - and he doesn't seem to care that it would give me time to get other things done so I don't have to stay up as late. It is not like I am just wanting to sit around watching TV while he is giving DS a bath (which by the way is what DH does while I give DS a bath)!

So many times when I ask him to do something like give DS a bath, change his diaper, give him a bottle, etc. he tells me that he doesn't want to. That just infuriates me - I guess he assumes that I want to change a poopie diaper or that I want to scrub the couch because DS just spit up or I want to do two loads of laundry after working all day. Then to make matters worse when I am still up running around at 9-10 PM trying to get everything done he will ask me why I am working so hard and why I take everything on by myself. Can he NOT make the connection????

I realize this is probably very common but I am worried that it is going to permanently harm our marriage.

Thanks for letting me vent a little...

 

[DaisyDebbie]

Everything you describe is normal. It's a big adjustment having a new person in the house. You're probably both exhausted and that doesn't help. Your dh does have to realize that you cannot do it all yourself and that he must help you some.

Hang in there Becka

 

[Serena]

Becka, I'm not going to be much help. This was a major problem with my marriage and he didn't help, he never helped, with the house or the kids. I had to do it myself or it didn't get done. So, lots of things didn't get done and although I hated it, I had to sleep for at least a couple hours a night.

Goodluck figuring this out, I wish I could help.

 

[Spinning]

Yep been there done that! Having a child does change the house! As much as you love the little one they do create a lot of work and stress. Let alone the lack of sleep! But oh how they melt your heart!
It sounds like you and DH need to take some time to enjoy your new family, the heck with the house go out with your beautiful baby and pick a pumpkin have some coffee and watch the leaves change. I know it sounds stupid but sometimes you just need to say I am going to do the dishes tomorrow! Leave them in the sink!
I went through so much of the same thing when our DD was born, felt I had to be super mom, clean house, great meals, able to do it all! Well I found out I couldn't. I am so glad you were smart enough to hire a cleaning lady! Maybe you could find a teenager to come over and entertain the little one while you do some of the stuff you want to get done in the house.
hang in there!
YOur husband may also feel he isn't capable of doing all the care required and is using "I don't feel like it" as a cover. Maybe if the 2 of you bath the baby or change the baby together. We did this DH would bath our DD and I would have the towel ready. So we were both there together.

 

[crazyme5kids]

Just stop asking and stop doing it all yourself. Hand him the baby and the bottle and tell him to give your son a bottle. If he says he doesn't want to then hand him the laundry. Tell him to do it, when you ask you are giving him the option to say no. Say to him "Do you want to clean the kitchen or do you want to give the baby a bath?". If he doesn't chose one you chose for him.

 

[Buckalew]

I think it is normal also. I was so easily aggrivated at DH for the first, oh 6 mos., of DDs life that it was like I had PMS all the time.
I'm not usually like that at all. It was even shocking to me what little things he could do that would set me off.

I'd give him a choice--just like you would to a child. Don't say, "Will you give the baby a bath?" I would say, "Do you want to give the baby a bath or clean up the kitchen?" Might as well get used to that, you'll use that a lot as the baby grows up! LOL
You aren't alone, Becka. This is one of the reasons I only had one baby. Pregnancy and childbirth were enjoyed and easy for me--but the hard part was what you do day to day. I didn't really want to go through it all alone again. My biggest pet peeve was that he could make plans and go do something & I couldn't. I either had to take DD and pack up all but the kitchen sink OR find a babysitter. For him, all he had to do was plan and go--I was the "babysitter". Of course, there is nothing in the world as great as being a mom and I love DD with all my heart, but being a mom is the toughest, most demanding job you will ever do.

 

[dianeschlicht]

It's that "y" chromosome. Otherwise known as the "dorking gene"!

 

[Disneyaholic]

When my kids were little, my DH used to tell me how he "babysat" for them while I was at work or out running errands...

HUH? I didn't realize that taking care of your own kids was considered BABYSITTING!!!

 

[Buckalew]

Let me quickly add that when I no longer had to pack up everything but the kitch sink to take DD anywhere, then DH thought he could handle her. Then and now, he is very active in her life and spends a lot of time with her. That, I am very thankful for.

 

[Nancy]

Welcome to my world!! I had 2 babies 18 months apart and it was tough! I decided then and there that I was not going to be super Mom...dishes can sit in the sink...laundry may not get folded or put away...but who cares??? If DH complained I told him...if it bothers you then you take care of it! DH never gave the kids baths...it made him very nervous...he thought he would drop them because they are so slippery when wet. When they were a bit older he would sit in the bathroom and watch them for a bit, but I did the actual bathing and washing the hair stuff.

Taking care of newborns until about 6 months made him very nervous.

Make sure you are not criticizing him...you know litlle things like.."make sure you burp him, or that's not yhe way to hold him" You might mean well but it makes them feel like you think they are not capable. My DH used to make me cringe with the way he held the babies when he was feeding them, or with the way he changed their diapers...I bit my tongue a number of times on thaose issues...the kids never complained, they always semed content so I let it go.

 

[Dan Murphy]

All good thoughts here, Becka. And I agree, raising little ones is not the easiest thing in the world. The cute ads in the magazines and Toy-R-Us and TDS make it look like all fun and games, but it is tough. A little human being is 100% dependent on the mom and dad, and that, along with all the 'normal' things of life, plus marriage, can make us pull our hair out (heck, I am almost all bald ). I think you are experiencing a lot of normal happenings and feelings. He does, however, need to carry his share of the load. Tell him we all said so. {{Hugs}}

PS: Any new pictures of Nathan??

 

[vickyBaby]

Been there, done that. That is why I no longer work full time.

 

[SilverLily]

Well, I am going to go against the grain and say that this is not normal. I think too many women have the attitude "he's a man, what do you expect?". This attitude only enables the man to continue his selfish behavior. If both the husband and wife have a job outside of the home, then they both should be responsible for the daily chores whether they have children or not.

Once children enter the equation, it becomes more important for both people to accept responsibility. If your DH continues to watch TV while you scurry around until 10pm, your son will learn the same behavior. He will learn it is OK to be selfish while his partner does all of the work.

Sadly, I have a few friends whose husbands are like this. Since it has gone on for the past 10 years, I doubt these men will change now. I think my friends contributed to the problem by not demanding the respect and help they deserve. They should have nipped it in the bud a long time ago.

 

[browneyes]

Originally posted by dianeschlicht
It's that "y" chromosome. Otherwise known as the "dorking gene"!

I never realized I had a dorking gene. I wish my SO had one.

Becka, all that is a battle ground for us at my home too. But my SO does even less than your DH.

 

[leahannpen]

Oh my do I know where you are coming from!! Don't worry too much about it, because I think it is normal. It is a very drastic change to someone's life. You were both used to just the two of you, and now you have a crying, needy, poopy, innocent child that when it cries, you have no idea why. And it cries, and cries and cries..... oh that is so stressfull!

We are going through a similar situation, so if you EVER want to talk about this via PM, please feel free. My son is now 18 months and he is getting a bit more independant, but it's still stressful at times. (Last night was a perfect example!!!!!! I was ready to run away from home!)

I get so crabby when it feels like I'm the only one every doing anything. And to top it off, DH has been traveling for work, which started about 1 year ago. Talk about adding stress to a marriage... just add baby and work travel for 1 spouse! One of these days, I'm going to come home from work and actually change my clothes, sit down and relax and not cook dinner or clean up after! haha! Yeah, right! Not to mention my kitchen floor is so dirty I can barley stand it.... oh but that's another thread!

 

[dianeschlicht]

No, Browneyes, unless you are male, you don't have one. Females are "xx" and males are "xy"!

 

[Serena]

Silver Lily, believe me, I did everything I could do to, said everything I could say. Nothing mattered.

 

[browneyes]

Originally posted by dianeschlicht
No, Browneyes, unless you are male, you don't have one. Females are "xx" and males are "xy"!

But I'm the dork for putting up with his crap.

 

[dianeschlicht]

AH, now I see your point!

 

[Pete's Mom]

Originally posted by dianeschlicht
It's that "y" chromosome. Otherwise known as the "dorking gene"!

She hit the nail right on the head!

My ex watched our son, who was two at the time, for an afternoon. He said he was going to have to drop him off at daycare and then come back home and get ready for work. When I asked him why, he said, "Now how am I going to get ready and watch him at the same time?"

CLUELESS!