Destination wedding dilemma - Update page 8

[Cruise]

Thanks! I will talk to her when I see her next; she kind of sprung this on me today when I called her at work, although she's mentioned the destination wedding thing before. I didn't know she was going out of the US; maybe the Virgin Islands, but that's still a stretch.

Just as a side note (but still somewhat moot since the airfare would still be way too expensive), but if she actually did one of the US Virgin Islands (St Thomas, St John, St Croix), you wouldn't need the passports. You would need them for the British Virgin Islands however.

 

[QVCshopper]

Just as a side note (but still somewhat moot since the airfare would still be way too expensive), but if she actually did one of the US Virgin Islands (St Thomas, St John, St Croix), you wouldn't need the passports. You would need them for the British Virgin Islands however.

That's what I was thinking. 5 passports would run me around $650. I was trying to price it out, so this could be wrong, but I think it's around $175 x 2 = $350, plus another $300 for the kids. I brought that up to her already; I'm sure I'm not the only guest without a passport.

I would really try to attend a DW inside the US. I'm not going to suggest to her what she should or shouldn't do, but I will just explain the situation, and I'm sure my DH will help with the conversation. Her fiance's siblings have never been on planes, traveled much out of the state, etc., so this is probably going to be an issue on both sides. I know at least one of his sisters has really young kids, as well. Oh well, thanks for listening; I feel better about everything. Family issues can be sticky!

 

[robinb]

My younger sister (almost 28), whom I love very much, got engaged to a really nice guy. Now, my parents didn't save a penny for the wedding, and they couldn't help me out when I got married 12 years ago, either. We had a $10K event, and it was small and fine; looking back, eloping was probably a good option, but I was 22 and didn't know any better.

My sister doesn't want to "settle" on her wedding (her words). She has some very well off friends from private college who had elaborate weddings that their parents paid for, and I guess she knows she can't pull of something as fancy as she's been to in the past due to money. So, she wants a destination wedding out of the country.

Now, I'm in my third trimester, and have two other kids. She wants us all to attend--so I will need 5 passports, 4 airfares, plus room/food. She wants my daughter and son to be in the wedding; I'm not sure about me. But, traveling with an infant and young kids to a foreign country, pulling them out of school, spending I'm estimating $5-6K+, just doesn't sound like a reasonable request.

At this point, I'm going to talk to her about the possibility of us not coming... or me just going with the baby. But, I'm really torn; my husband said no already. To be honest, I’d rather just give her $1-2K to pay for a wedding here than to go her route.

Opinions? Please keep in mind that I will have three college tuitions to pay for, our insurance premiums are going up big time next year (just like everyone’s), and just the usual stresses of life. She’s 7 years younger than me, so of course our viewpoints on life are very different at this point…

I am usually a "Suck it up, Buttercup" type when it comes to weddings of close family members. But ... my distaste for Destination Weddings overwhelms that. Especially one out of the country. There is no excuse for your sister to ask you to pay 50% of the price of your own wedding to attend her keeping-up-with-the-private-school-Jones' wedding extravaganza. I wouldn't go and I would not send $2K to help her pay for it. She is being selfish. Let her have her "doesn't want to "settle"" wedding all on her own.

 

[QVCshopper]

I am usually a "Suck it up, Buttercup" type when it comes to weddings of close family members. But ... my distaste for Destination Weddings overwhelms that. Especially one out of the country. There is no excuse for your sister to ask you to pay 50% of the price of your own wedding to attend her keeping-up-with-the-private-school-Jones' wedding extravaganza. I wouldn't go and I would not send $2K to help her pay for it. She is being selfish. Let her have her "doesn't want to "settle"" wedding all on her own.

Oh, I have sucked it up a lot with my family, including them staying in my college dorm room for the night instead of getting a hotel room (with my roomates there), and letting my parents/sisters stay over night at my house over the course of 7 years while they traveled to and from my sisters' colleges. I used to bend over backwards making them dinner, feeding them, etc. until my dad threw a dinner I made into the woods because he didn't want to eat it. My family is quite interesting... I guess I'm tired of sucking it up at this point.

 

[robinb]

Oh, I have sucked it up a lot with my family, including them staying in my college dorm room for the night instead of getting a hotel room (with my roomates there), and letting my parents/sisters stay over night at my house over the course of 7 years while they traveled to and from my sisters' colleges. I used to bend over backwards making them dinner, feeding them, etc. until my dad threw a dinner I made into the woods because he didn't want to eat it. My family is quite interesting... I guess I'm tired of sucking it up at this point.

I guess I might not have made my point clearly. There is no reason for you to suck it up . Your sister is being unreasonable and spoiled. It sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the "interesting" tree . It's her choice to have a crazy wedding. As the bride, she should have whatever she wants. That doesn't mean that you have to be there and it certainly doesn't mean that you have to help pay for it in "guilt money". I'm sorry that your family can't be with her for her special day, but that is all of her own doing.

 

[QVCshopper]

I guess I might not have made my point clearly. There is no reason for you to suck it up . Your sister is being unreasonable and spoiled. It sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the "interesting" tree . It's her choice to have a crazy wedding. As the bride, she should have whatever she wants. That doesn't mean that you have to be there and it certainly doesn't mean that you have to help pay for it in "guilt money". I'm sorry that your family can't be with her for her special day, but that is all of her own doing.

Thanks, I understand; I was just trying to explain that I have tried to do so much for them. Just frustrated with the whole situation. Yes, my family is quite odd; I couldn't make it up even if I tried.

I even let this same sister live with us for 9 months (and 3 months summer before) for free when she was just starting out so she could get established, save money, etc. Thanks for listening though.

 

[Shleedogg]

I have a friend getting married in two weeks who reminds me of your sister. She is from New York and currently lives in DC with her fiance. Since her fiance has four kids, they decided to get married there. Not only that, she decided to have the wedding on a Thursday to save them money. So not only do we have to pay for flights and rental car or drive (which we're doing to save money) with a 3 year old and a 6 month old who's nursing full time, DH has to miss 3 days of work. Thank goodness he's a salaried employee. I'm in the wedding, so added cost. Then, none of her bridesmaids threw her a shower so I volunteered.

When I asked her about how difficult it was going to be for her family and friends to come down in the middle of the week, her response was "if they love me, they'll be there." That basically made me feel like we weren't going to be friends anymore if I didn't go. Looking at the situation as a whole, I wish I had told her I couldn't be in the wedding. Oh, and the kicker? (although this in no way has anything to do w/ your situation) She sent an email to every guest of the wedding saying that they would prefer money to wedding presents. . They did a cutesy wording about their "honey fund" for their "future hive."

My advice? Follow your gut. I ignored mine from the beginning and am kicking myself now. I love my friend to pieces, we've been close since 3rd grade, but it's such a hassle. Mine is only 7 hrs away. I cannot imagine trying to go to a foreign country! That one I think would have been a quicker no from me. Since it's your sister, I can understand why you're considering it. Honestly though, you're a two different stages in your life. For her, you're still her close family. You've moved on to have your own family and have to put the needs of your husband and children first. I know my DH is resentful that we're going to DC. If I was contomplating Europe and $5-6k, there would be a huge fight. Not worth it. Get them a nice gift and shower like a PP suggested, but don't guilt yourself into going. SHE made this decision to get married there, not YOU. It's not your responsibility. Gee, I wish I could take my own advice!

 

[Aliceacc]

My opinion is that it's unreasonable for adults to expect other people to fund their dreams. Repeat after me: "Adults pay their own way."

If she wants a big wedding, she can have a long engagement and save her money. If she wants a destination wedding, wonderful. But she'll have to realize that some of her loved ones cannot afford to be there. Do NOT give her a $2000 wedding gift; you have three children who need the financial resources you have.

We saved for a year and a half for our wedding. We each picked up part time jobs (in addition to our teaching jobs) during that time. We paid for a reception with 203 people (and I might add that weddings on Long Island are EXPENSIVE) and for our honeymoon in Bermuda.

Your sister is an adult. I think it's time she started acting like one, particularly if she's getting married.

I'm very sorry that you've been put into the position of having to miss your sister's wedding. It simply doesn't seem fair to me.

In reading some of the previous posts, I find myself shaking my head in wonder. "If they loved me, they would be there"??? How about "If you loved them, you would make it possible for them to attend your wedding without endangering their jobs????" The Bridezilla Complex seems to be alive and well in 2011.

 

[garydeb]

I understand about attending you sister's destination wedding. My sister also had a destination wedding and I didn't attend for many reasons. Before the wedding we had a beautiful bridal shower for her.

Good Luck...

 

[Nancyg56]

OP-I agree with the folks who have suggested that you and your family decline this event. I love my sister but if i was in the same shoes you are in and she was planning an out of the county wedding I would send my regrets. I think that she is really not showing any foresight in that it is clear this is a financial hardship for her already. She cannot plan of guests gifts funding her wedding, once they pay for transportation and lodging they are already spending a lot. Adding extra to help defray her costs may not be possible for most folks.

I believe that you should let her know ASAP that you cannot attend, she may not have any idea that family and friends are going to decline and so if family is honest upfront she may rethink the destination portion of her destination wedding.

When I asked her about how difficult it was going to be for her family and friends to come down in the middle of the week, her response was "if they love me, they'll be there." That basically made me feel like we weren't going to be friends anymore if I didn't go. Looking at the situation as a whole, I wish I had told her I couldn't be in the wedding. Oh, and the kicker? (although this in no way has anything to do w/ your situation) She sent an email to every guest of the wedding saying that they would prefer money to wedding presents. . They did a cutesy wording about their "honey fund" for their "future hive."

Selfish and self-absorbed IMO!!
We got invited to a wedding several years ago for a DD of one of my DH coworkers. The invitation was a poem about the "happy couple buying a home and how money was the appropriate gift". I very seldom decline invitation but we did decline this one. We were both insulted that we were being told what to give as a gift.

 

[QVCshopper]

I understand about attending you sister's destination wedding. My sister also had a destination wedding and I didn't attend for many reasons. Before the wedding we had a beautiful bridal shower for her.

Good Luck...

Thanks, I would like to host a shower if it's what she wants. Her friends have big catered events at country clubs. I could only do something smaller at my home or my MIL's which is bigger (she already offered). But, it would be nice anyway.

I already had to turn down hosting an engagement party; my dad asked me to do it since it would be a nice sisterly thing to do. I was early in the pregnancy and not feeling great, plus I don't really think engagement parties are really necessary, and aren't these things that parents do, anyway?

Oh well. I think part of the problem is growing up in Westchester County NY, and attending a small private college. Her friend got a car as a graduation gift; another got her condo bought for her; a lot of them just live differently and she sees their lives. She really is a kind person, but she never will tak to me about budgets, loans, etc. I really like those things, but she doesn't feel comfortable I guess.

 

[crisi]

I would take the time to sit down alone with your sister and explain your dilemma. Let her know it’s breaking your heart to have to miss her day. Explain that money just isn’t doable right now. (I agree that asking a family with 3 small kids to come up with that kind of money for her day is insane!) I doubt she has even considered how difficult this will be for you. She may not get it at all at this stage of her life. However, odds are there will be a day when she completely understands why you can’t do this.

This is true. And while I don't think you should go and I think you should be straight with her, people without children don't realize how expensive it is to travel with children. My single brother in law is notorious for thinking that "travel is cheap" for two reasons - one, as a single guy he pays for ONE airfare and splits the hotel room with his girlfriend or buddies - it IS cheap for him. And TWO, as a single guy with little financial common sense, it doesn't occur to him that the $2k he has in his pocket might be better used for something else - I have the money, I should spend it! My sister, pre-kids, did the same thing - planning extended family vacations that were quite reasonable for a DINK family, but for us with two kids were pretty much twice as expensive - plus we had little kid expenses eating into our incomes that she didn't have. Now we have teens that are easy to travel with and she has the little kids that can be a handful on a plane - because it isn't JUST the money - its also the "you want me to haul three little kids on a plane for how many hours? And there is going to be what for them to do? And a beach? Because oceans and little kids make me nervous."

So level with her....tell her that by the time you pay for airfare for four, hotel, passports, etc., it simply isn't affordable. Let her know you have other demands on your income - diapers, preschool, three kids to get through college, a house needing a new roof in a few years, whatever and etc., and $6k vacations just aren't in the budget. And when you do vacation with your brood, you are looking for vacations that are fun and interesting for THEM and easy and inexpensive for YOU - and it will be a few years before resorts on the beach meet those criteria. And that you'll hope she'll have a reception in town for you to attend.

 

[Nancyg56]

Your sister needs to know the difference between what she wants and what is affordable. I believe that she is a nice person but what she is reaching for is not the reality that she may encounter. If she chooses not to discuss a budget wit you she may be hoping that the financial issues will go away.

It sounds as though she has already decided that she wants to keep up with he friends and that your parents are going to do this as well in order to help her achieve this dream wedding. I doubt that other family members will be that invested in her wedding dream to indulge it unless they have the discretionary funds to do so.

My niece lives in Orlando and is considering her wedding there. She has agreed to give us all time to plan if this is what she decides. Her Aunt tried to talk her into a Caribbean wedding. I had to explain to the Aunt that my branch of the family would be declining if that was the case so if she continued to push the destination wedding she needed to be the one to break it to Jen that a lot of family would be absent.

 

[TnTWalter]

another vote for a lovely shower....I had a shower for my dear niece as my 'gift'.

or just you go to the wedding to save money. That way you can be there for her and not have the crazy expense.

we are leaving tomorrow for a destination wedding just the two of us; kids will stay with grandma. We are at a different place financially and our kids are older and my parents are able to watch them....it is a vacation expense though and whereas we might have gone to mexico for 5 days but instead we are going to san francisco/napa and 2 of the nights are wedding related.... My gf is upset that another friend that lives near me is not going to her wedding. Unless she's paying for them to go, how can she be upset for them choosing how to spend their vacation money and vacation days from work and kids babysitting, etc.? I don't think people get that when they are having their destination wedding.

We have another destination wedding in November that my whole family is going to...luckily it's only 4 hours away and my parents rented a house for the weekend as their treat....so the expense isn't the same. Whew.

Best of luck!

Trish

 

[Greenepona]

If she wants a big wedding, she can have a long engagement and save her money. If she wants a destination wedding, wonderful. But she'll have to realize that some of her loved ones cannot afford to be there.

My FI and I set a day 4 years from now for just this reason. Soo many of our friends/family have asked "why are you waiting so long?" We replied that we want to be able to have a Disney wedding, and have things the way we want them... not just do whatever so we can be married sooner. We aren't in any rush.

We know lots of people will not be able to make it for various reasons... but setting a date so far away gives people a chance to save for it if they would really like to come. We can also have a small reception at home after the wedding for local guests who could not make the wedding.

 

[EllenFrasier]

My younger sister (almost 28), whom I love very much, got engaged to a really nice guy. Now, my parents didn't save a penny for the wedding, and they couldn't help me out when I got married 12 years ago, either. We had a $10K event, and it was small and fine; looking back, eloping was probably a good option, but I was 22 and didn't know any better.

My sister doesn't want to "settle" on her wedding (her words). She has some very well off friends from private college who had elaborate weddings that their parents paid for, and I guess she knows she can't pull of something as fancy as she's been to in the past due to money. So, she wants a destination wedding out of the country.

Now, I'm in my third trimester, and have two other kids. She wants us all to attend--so I will need 5 passports, 4 airfares, plus room/food. She wants my daughter and son to be in the wedding; I'm not sure about me. But, traveling with an infant and young kids to a foreign country, pulling them out of school, spending I'm estimating $5-6K+, just doesn't sound like a reasonable request.

At this point, I'm going to talk to her about the possibility of us not coming... or me just going with the baby. But, I'm really torn; my husband said no already. To be honest, I’d rather just give her $1-2K to pay for a wedding here than to go her route.

Opinions? Please keep in mind that I will have three college tuitions to pay for, our insurance premiums are going up big time next year (just like everyone’s), and just the usual stresses of life. She’s 7 years younger than me, so of course our viewpoints on life are very different at this point…

I'm confused. If she doesn't have enough money to have an elaborate wedding in the USA - how is traveling to another country to have the wedding going to save her money? I would think it would cost more money not to mention the hassle of all the guests having to travel there.

 

[robinb]

I'm confused. If she doesn't have enough money to have an elaborate wedding in the USA - how is traveling to another country to have the wedding going to save her money? I would think it would cost more money not to mention the hassle of all the guests having to travel there.

Read the Weddings Board here and you will see that saving money on the wedding is one of the reasons why brides choose to have a destination wedding. Destination weddings primarily save brides money because they automatically cut the guest list to the bone. Local friends and relatives expect an invitation to a local wedding. Your second cousin twice removed can make a wedding in town. They probably can't make a wedding in Switzerland or even Orlando. So, your fancy 300 person wedding in the USA turns into an intimate 50 person wedding elsewhere. That's a HUGE savings! In addition, the weddings are in the same location as the honeymoon so the wedding couple's travel expenses are already "paid for". It's everyone else who has to pony up to be with them on their Big Day .

 

[ktlm]

Why not try to get her to do a destination beach wedding in the USA?

Absolutely! I have had friends who have done the destination wedding to save money and they have all stayed in the U.S. For example, you can do destination weddings at beaches in Florida, in San Diego on Coronado island (we've seen at least 2 weddings going on and usually more every time we have been there on the weekend), or my favorite to attend (although not a beach), Las Vegas. (Yes, it is possible to have a "classy" wedding in Vegas). What is nice about staying in the states (and mainland- not HAWAII!!) is that the flights can be cheaper, or you can road trip and the guests can choose to stay in a cheaper hotel in the area than the upscale one the bride and groom will likely choose. My niece was 4 on the Vegas wedding trip that was a family one (been to more than one wedding there), and although it is an adult place, it was easy to find enough kid friendly things that she had a blast. The risk is that especially in the young age category, if you choose Vegas, you may have a ton of guests decide to show up! I went to one where there were about 15 guests total including family, and I went to one where 100 showed up. The way to avoid that is just to tell everyone it is really just an intimate family affair, and really limit who is invited to join for the trip.


If she insists on the foreign country, I think I would probably decline as I don't know that I would want to do that kind of travel with an infant, and I don't think you should put yourself in a financial bind over the wedding. I would be completely honest with her. I would flat lay out the financial issues- i.e. the cost of traveling with that many people, your expenses at home, the difficulty in taking an infant on a long plane ride to a foreign country and of traveling with an infant. I would not just use the word "expensive", but I would pull information from the internet on pricing and specifically show her how much it would cost you. People without kids have no idea how much it actually costs to fly a whole family anywhere. I would tell you her love her, but it just isn't doable for you. I'm with the others who say to offer to host a nice shower for her since you can't go. I would also suggest sitting her down and talking to her about this now before she is deep into the planning phases and has her heart set on a specific place.

 

[HM]

I planned my wedding for Thanksgiving weekend, which was a time that all my DH's relatives would already be in the state and that would give other out of state guests time to come without missing work. I really took into account what it would take for others to be able to attend. I'm sorry your sister is so caught up in herself that she doesn't see how what she wants will affect those that she wants to have at her wedding. If she really wanted her close friends and family at her wedding, she'd be planning something else.

I'm also sorry that the wedding industry got so big that everyone thinks they have to spend money and make things lavish for it to be a good wedding. It's hard to keep up with what we see on TV (and not reachable for most).

 

[tlbwriter]

I'm confused. If she doesn't have enough money to have an elaborate wedding in the USA - how is traveling to another country to have the wedding going to save her money? I would think it would cost more money not to mention the hassle of all the guests having to travel there.

In addition to what RobinB said, some resorts will apparently give you a break on the price of your wedding package if you get enough guests to attend. So basically your guests are paying for your wedding.

OP, my first thought was that it simply hasn't occurred to your sister how much it would cost for your family to attend this wedding. And that maybe if you said "We'd love to go, but that's $6K and we just can't afford it right now" that she would understand. But reading more, I'm not so sure.

Anyway, don't let her (or your mother!) guilt you into anything you're not prepared to do. Just say no.