Destination wedding dilemma - Update page 8

[QVCshopper]

Yep, but the problem being presented to us is not "should I trade my Disney vacation to go to my sisters wedding.".

And yep, she could make that trade....She might need to trade more than one Disney vacation if she's used to doing Disney on the cheap.

We could go to Disney for $2600 in August if we sign up for the Southwest cc deal. That includes the QSDP and we already have aps--which we are not buying again for a while. Not sure if we're going, but it's fun to price out.

I think I said from the beginning that we can afford it, but it's not how we'd otherwise spend our money nor would we ever ask anyone to do this for us. We are probably the wealthiest of the family members--besides my brother--but it's because we live far far far below our means. We coupon, shop Goodwill, Viggle, go without, etc. I even fixed the oven (replaced the igniter) and dryer (took it apart and cleaned it) both by myself. I am a SAHM who is lucky enough to have an at home job at night, but I cut my hours in half since the baby was born. I want to use my income to pay for this, and i make about $1k a month. None of the rest of the family lives like we do; they think we're silly, etc., but we have no mortgage, which is how we can afford me to stay home.

Most of our money is in the house, retirement, and college savings. Crisi, I think you once said we are mega savers. But we did recently pay $2k for the baby delivery and had to buy a minivan to fit her. She's totally worth it though. And we will need a new roof, windows, and of course the oven and dryer when I can't fix them. I'm just a mom--not trained in any of this stuff. But we actively decide how we do or do not spend our money.

So, what I think I've realized--after I talk to DH of course--Can I afford it? Yes. Do I want to afford it? No. Will I end up going? Probably. Do I think it's a lot to ask of family/friends and would never do it myself? Definitely.

 

[crisi]

So, what I think I've realized--after I talk to DH of course--Can I afford it? Yes. Do I want to afford it? No. Will I end up going? Probably. Do I think it's a lot to ask of family/friends and would never do it myself? Definitely.

I think I'd be in the same boat. Although one of my two sisters would never have done a destination wedding, and the other wouldn't feel slighted if we didn't attend.

The trick is going to be letting go of the resentment if you decide to go. Carrying around additional resentment over your sister.....frankly, its probably better to have her hurt and pissed off if you can't let go.

 

[LJSquishy]

It is wonderful of your sister to invite you to be a part of her destination wedding, but it is unfair for her to expect you to attend. She needs to grow up, she is 28.

I am 27 and have been married for 5 years. My husband and I paid for our own small (and crappy) wedding of 75 guests. We spent about $1,000-$1,500 which included my wedding dress, tux rental, cake, and flowers. I hated our wedding and I hated my dress ($99 David's Bridal dress, though I pretended I loved it) but it was all we could afford. We couldn't even have a professional photographer so my husband's uncle (who was starting up his own photography business) gifted us his services as our wedding gift. The pictures were awful and 5 years later I am still sad to look at them because not a single one was usable. Thank goodness a wedding is about marrying the person you love, not about the event.

One year later, my sister got married and my parents helped her pay for certain parts of her wedding. She had a beautiful wedding (I would say around $5,000 maybe more?) in a mansion with booze, dancing, and a buffet. Her dress was gorgeous, flowers were amazing, etc. I was very jealous of her and felt really embarrassed to be a part of her wedding because it was not something I could afford. I struggled to purchase my maid of honor dress but she didn't know that. When I had my wedding, I picked the least expensive dresses I could find for my sister & friend.

You need to decide how you want to spend your money, not someone else. Throughout your life you will have family members & friends try to dictate what to spend your money on and you just have to say no sometimes. My husband's two brothers are very wealthy and every year try to get everyone to rent a lake cabin for 4 days or so and all stay in it. The first year we attended but they did not ask us to contribute (we only stayed the day there, no sleeping) but the following years they asked us to contribute monetarily for the cabin & food, etc. We didn't have the ability to spend money on something like that so we have not participated since. Last year they asked if we would contribute to renting the cabin and basically told me I would be babysitting their kids part of the time so they could go have fun...that hurt me so bad, to know that they wanted me there to babysit and not to socialize. They get very upset with us when we decline attending functions, but we don't have the budget to go out to meals all of the time, rent a cabin, or rent 4-wheelers or a boat or jet skiis. It is embarrassing to decline the invitation without telling them we don't have the money...we act like we're just not interested or are busy that weekend, but we would love to go, we just can't. Sometimes we will go "out to eat" with everyone but I will not order a meal and just pretend I'm not hungry. Or, my husband and I will share. Now, we hardly ever are invited to anything while the rest of the family gets together to do things because they have the money to. We don't have kids ourselves (infertility) and spend so much money trying to keep up with our 3 nieces and 1 nephew's birthdays, Christmas, etc and we will bring a gift to each child but sometimes we don't get invited to participate in their function. We usually only get a phone call from his brothers if they need something (a babysitter, help moving something, etc). Each Christmas, my husband's family does a gift exchange where everyone buys a gift for one person they draw...we haven't been able to take part in it because they buy laptops, game systems, cameras, etc for each other with no spending limit and we could only participate if there was a $50 limit or so. So, we get left out at Christmas even and just sit there while everyone opens their gifts. As you can probably tell, I am still very hurt by all of this. Please, just tell your sister that you cannot justify spending $5,000+ for your family to attend her wedding. Tell her exactly why, don't beat around the bush. If she truly gets that it's about money, she probably won't be as upset. Although, I don't know that I would go to Disney in that same year because it makes it look like you just wanted that money for Disney and didn't want to support her in her special day, even though that's not the case. She should know you're a good person.

 

[QVCshopper]

Hugs, LJ Squishy! Things will get better! You sound really sweet, and I'm sorry about your family and the babysitting and presents. Families can be so hard sometimes.

I was 22 when I got married and didn't like my dress much either. Oh well! Like I said, though, the nicest weddings I went to--both overlooking the Baltimore Harbor with real bands and surf and turf--ended up in divorce. Very sad--but it does prove the price of the wedding isn't that important. I'm sure yours was very sweet and memorable despite the lower price tag.

And Crisi, you are right as always!

 

[sixcats]

I just wanted to let you know that Beaches Sandy Bay is a nice alternative to Beaches Negril. We have stayed there four times with our kids before switching to a non all inclusive. My kids really love to vacation there.

 

[QVCshopper]

I just wanted to give an update to my destination wedding situation since so many of you gave me much appreciated advice. It was a very long, hard decision for me, but here's what's happened.

1. My sister is getting married in June in Jamaica. It's the last day of school for my kids. She switched to an Iberostar, which is somewhat cheaper than the Negril one she liked.
2. I am going with my daughter (who gets to be flower girl) and my then 16-month old baby because I'm still nursing her. We are is one of ten rooms for the guests, so not that many people are coming.
3. Hubby and son are staying home. This brings the cost of airfare and room to a little over $1K each; the three of us still need passports. Hubby never wanted to go and is rather happy about the situation; son is only turning 7 and is okay with it as long as we bring back a souvie.
4. While it's still a lot of money to spend for four nights, I get to see my sister get married and my daughter gets to be flower girl.
5. I'm okay with it, mostly because I feel like I can "make up" this money by being extremely frugal for the past and next few months. I haven't spent anything at all for days at a time (eg, our food, gas, and all other non-bills last month were only $1100 total for a family of five).

Also, we are most likely buying my in-laws house to be moved in for the upcoming school year. We have been looking for a bigger house in a better school district for years now. They live it the 10th best in the state and are working out a situation that's favorable for both my in-laws and us. We will have a mortgage again, but are trying to keep it low (under $100K); hoping we can pay that off before my oldest (now 8) goes to college. We've been working on selling old things and decluttering. Very nervous about all of this, as I do not like moving, but having four bedrooms as well as a shorter (nearly nonexistent) commute and lower taxes would be nice.

Again, thank you for your advice last year. We are making some hard decisions lately, and trying to plan for the future as best as we can. And our baby has been such a blessing to us; she has totally completed our family.

 

[horseshowmom]

I just wanted to give an update to my destination wedding situation since so many of you gave me much appreciated advice. It was a very long, hard decision for me, but here's what's happened.

1. My sister is getting married in June in Jamaica. It's the last day of school for my kids. She switched to an Iberostar, which is somewhat cheaper than the Negril one she liked.
2. I am going with my daughter (who gets to be flower girl) and my then 16-month old baby because I'm still nursing her. We are is one of ten rooms for the guests, so not that many people are coming.
3. Hubby and son are staying home. This brings the cost of airfare and room to a little over $1K each; the three of us still need passports. Hubby never wanted to go and is rather happy about the situation; son is only turning 7 and is okay with it as long as we bring back a souvie.
4. While it's still a lot of money to spend for four nights, I get to see my sister get married and my daughter gets to be flower girl.
5. I'm okay with it, mostly because I feel like I can "make up" this money by being extremely frugal for the past and next few months. I haven't spent anything at all for days at a time (eg, our food, gas, and all other non-bills last month were only $1100 total for a family of five).

Also, we are most likely buying my in-laws house to be moved in for the upcoming school year. We have been looking for a bigger house in a better school district for years now. They live it the 10th best in the state and are working out a situation that's favorable for both my in-laws and us. We will have a mortgage again, but are trying to keep it low (under $100K); hoping we can pay that off before my oldest (now 8) goes to college. We've been working on selling old things and decluttering. Very nervous about all of this, as I do not like moving, but having four bedrooms as well as a shorter (nearly nonexistent) commute and lower taxes would be nice.

Again, thank you for your advice last year. We are making some hard decisions lately, and trying to plan for the future as best as we can. And our baby has been such a blessing to us; she has totally completed our family.

Have a great trip and enjoy yourself!

 

[bumbershoot]

Sounds like a good compromise, and YAY for extended nursing!

 

[crisi]

Have a wonderful time.

I would make a point for the "boys at home" to do something over that weekend. Maybe something boyish - a major league baseball game? Or a day at a waterpark?

 

[QVCshopper]

Have a wonderful time.

I would make a point for the "boys at home" to do something over that weekend. Maybe something boyish - a major league baseball game? Or a day at a waterpark?

The first thing my hubby did was whip out the Phillies schedule. He is very excited to take my son to a major league game. Then they are going up to the Poconos to my in-laws house, who said they'd make it a special weekend for him. So, hopefully this decision makes the most people happy.

Thanks again everyone! Feeling like we are finally moving some things along that need to be moved along if that makes sense.

 

[crisi]

It does sound like you are making the most people happy.

 

[alohamom]

Sounds like it has worked out! Also sounds like you and your dh and kids area tight little loving family and the time away will only strengthen your bonds. I remember my aunt begging me to bring the kids to her beach cottage when they were really little (maybe 6 and 4) We spent a week and then my hubby drove up to meet us for the weekend. I still remember seeing him come around the corner of the cottage, we literally ran to each other like a sappy movie cause we didnt realize we would miss each other that much! Hope you have an awesome time and that your sister appreciates what you have sacrificed to be able to attend.

 

[robinb]

I'm glad things worked out for you and your sister. I re-read my posts on the thread and I was anti destination-wedding, but I think this was a good compromise for you. Your DD will be in heaven.

The house is even more exciting than the trip to Jamaica IMO!

 

[gk90]

Sounds like a good compromise, and YAY for extended nursing!

Glad you worked it out, and another big YAY for extended nursing!

 

[dis-happy]

Glad it all worked out. One thing jumped out at me though...don't delay on applying for your passports! It can take several weeks this time of year. Hope you have a great trip!

 

[QVCshopper]

So, my daughters and I have returned from my sister's destination wedding. And while I did like seeing my sister get married and my older daughter loved being flower girl, I would not do it again.

First, the resort seemed like it was meant for 20 something's who liked to perpetually have a drink in their hand. Second, I thought my family (other sister and dad) would help me more, but they just left me with my mom (who is not in great health) and my girls most of the time. My baby freaked out by the time the wedding started due to it being late and extremely hot, so we watched from a covered beach chair and skipped dinner, the bonfire, etc. that didn't happen until 8:30, four hours after the wedding was supposed to start.

I also underestimated the amount of work involved with traveling to a third world country with two children. At one point, I had a baby, backpack, purse, and two carryon luggages strapped to me.

So, for anyone in this situation, I'd say skip it and look at the pictures later. My older daughter thought it was the best trip ever, though, and we had some great bonding time. We watched the Disney Channel and ordered room service everyday while the baby took her nap. She was by far my biggest helper and cheerleader. I'm really proud of my 8 year old!

And we are settling on the new house July 1, so the timing wasn't the best from that perspective. But, I wish my sister and her new husband well. And, like another destination wedding traveler said to me on the plane, what's done is done. I'm moving on, literally.

 

[Couchy]

Glad you were able to be there. There is no way I would have been able to do what you did and take 2 small kids to a foreign country myself

 

[okeydokey]

So sorry it didn't turn out as well as you hoped. I hope your family appreciates all that you did to appease your sister.

Congrats on the house.